Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”. 

The unfortunate truth about the Super Bowl is that a large proportion of them have been crap, crap, one-sided affairs that were not so much the ultimate gladiatorial fight that is often portrayed, but more like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where Indiana just shoots the sword wielding guy.

Anyways, regardless of the final outcome there have been some very good individual moments from the Super Bowl, here’s the best top 10 Super Bowl moments your stupid eyes will ever see.

10. Marcus Allen shreds the Washington Redskins defence (Super Bowl XVIII)

If you’re a fan of the Redskins, this’ll hurt. Watching the then defending Super Bowl champions get smothered by Tom Flores’ Los Angeles Raiders, is painful, watching Marcus Allen make patsies of the ‘skins defence is excruciating. Redskins fans are still waiting for the day that they watch this replay and, magically, Darrell Green catches Allen. One day.

9. Montana to Taylor (Super Bowl XXIII)

Super Bowl XXIII was one of those rare Super Bowls that wasn’t a total crock, it featured a cagey first half with the teams trading field goals and brutal injuries (a broken ankle for the Niners, a shattered leg for the Bengals), but it was Stanford Jennings kick-off return for a touchdown for the Bengals that lit the touch paper on this classic. Eventually it was Joe Cool and the 49ers that prevailed with a 92 yard drive culminating in the game winning touchdown to John Taylor to capture the Niners first Super Bowl for 4 years.

8. Roethlisberger to Holmes/Rambling Madman (Super Bowl XLIII)

Fuck the Steelers. The current Pittsburgh team is home to two of the most unlikeable players in NFL history. First, there’s Ben Roethlisberger who was a botched police report away from a rape charge (that’s 3 he’s dodged now if you’re keeping count) and homophobic idiot James Harrison. Begrudgingly these two plays are very good, Roethlisberger threads the ball between three cardinals defenders to Holmes who makes a balletic catch whilst falling out of bounds to win the game; and perhaps most impressively, Harrison intercepts Kurt Warner at the goal line and returns it 100 yards for the score, everybody likes to watch fat people running so this was like poetry in motion.

7. Wide Right (Super Bowl XXV)

The Buffalo Bills of the late 80s/early 90s were a joy to behold; with Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas running the high octane “K-Gun” offense and hall of fame quarterback destroyer Bruce Smith powering the defence. They marched to an improbable 4 straight Super Bowls, and more improbably, lost them all. The first was the most heart breaking of all with Scott Norwood’s last minute 47 yard field goal sailing wide right sealing a 20-19 victory for the New York Giants, the closest margin of victory in any Super Bowl.

6. Redemption For New Orleans (Super Bowl XLIV)

When hurricane Katrina battered the city of New Orleans in 2005 the super dome became a shelter for hundreds of homeless. In the aftermath the city felt let down by the federal government and the Saints themselves had to play in San Antonio for the 2005 season, when they returned to the super dome in 2006 the city took on the team as a beacon of hope for renewal, it was the start of a drive of city and team that culminated with a win in Super Bowl XLIV

5. Doug Williams Vs. The Broncos (Super Bowl XXII)

When the John Elway-led Denver Broncos took a 10-0 lead at the end of the first quarter with Washington quarterback Doug Williams injured on the side-lines, things looked grim for the ‘skins; no team had ever overcome more than a 10 point margin, but when Williams returned for the ‘skins first drive of the second quarter, the game was turned on its head. Williams threw touchdowns to Gary Clark, Clint Didier and two to Ricky Sanders to blow the Bronocos out the game and become the first (and so far only) African-American quarterback to win a Super Bowl.

4. The Tackle (Super Bowl XXXIV)

The ’99 St. Louis Rams have gone down in history as one of the most explosive, high powered offensives in NFL History. The so-called ‘Greatest Show on Turf’ could outscore anyone with the quadruple threat of QB Kurt Warner (that season’s league MVP), RB Marshall Faulk and WR’s Isaac Bruce & Torry Holt, but it was a defensive play that was required to overcome the Steve McNair led Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV. The image of Kevin Dyson with ball outstretched failing to reach the end zone is one of the most iconic in Super Bowl history, with the tackler, Mike Jones, whose career was otherwise undistinguished would go down as the NFL equivalent of a ‘one hit wonder’

3. 70 Chip (Super Bowl XVII)

John Riggins is a folk legend. A beast of a running back, ‘The Diesel’ smashed through defences for 14 years on his way to the Hall of Fame, but that was all secondary with Riggo, ‘cos he’s one of the greatest characters the game has ever spit out.

No other player has ever told supreme court justice Sandra Day O’Conner to “lighten up Sandy baby”, Or decided to sit out a year to go fishing and hunting. But it was his 43 yard run into super bowl history that was his finest moment. Facing 4th and 1 at the Miami 43, Joe Gibbs called I-Right 70 Chip, Riggins took the hand-off, made the edge and swotted away Don McNeal who desperately grasped for Riggins jersey in vain. The Dolphins learned that once cranked up, you couldn’t stop The Diesel.

2. The Guarantee (Super Bowl III)

When the two rival leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League agreed to play a season end championship game starting in ’67, no-one gave the upstart AFL a chance against the big boy NFL, and the first two super bowls were NFL victories, Super Bowl III pitted the NFL’s Baltimore Colts against the AFL’s New York Jets. New York, led by ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath had ideas on an upset. The cocksure, fashionable playboy Namath went one step further, proclaiming “We’re gonna win the game. I guarantee it”, the world scoffed, but after time expired it was Namath and the Jets who had the last laugh, defeating the Colts 16-7, and the image of Namath walking off the field wagging his finger is no doubt the most indelible image from any super bowl

1. ‘The Catch’ (Super Bowl XLII)

Super Bowl XLII was meant to be a capper on a perfect season for the New England Patriots, they had simply smashed every single opponent on route to an unprecedented 18-0 record (the only undefeated team in history the ‘72 Dolphins finished 12-0 and won’t shut the fuck up about it). Only the New York Giants and their oft criticised, always derp-faced quarterback Eli Manning stood between the ‘Pats and history. Well that’s not true, the Giants defence is what really stood between the two, sacking Ugg-shilling-Mr-Gisele-Bundchen Tom Brady 4 times and harassing him all game, still the Giants couldn’t put it together on offense, until Eli Manning got swallowed by the Pats defence, and somehow came out the other side, heaving the ball up for David Tyree to haul in with the most improbable catch ever seen, the ball seemingly velcroed to his helmet. After that it seemed fated that Manning would hit Plaxico Burress for the game winner.

This was a guest post by strong-arm Dan Cabble who has been enjoying unpopular culture for well over a decade now. Find him whining here.

You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.

Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.

The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.

Of course, Drake isn’t the first singer to say that they want to play a famous person in a film. In 2005 Michael Bublé told The Sun that he was in talks to play a member of the Rat Pack in “Frank Sinatra: The Primark Years” while more recently, Lady Gaga told assembled journalists that it was her life’s ambition to play Madonna in a movie of her life.

Speaking to VH1, Drake said:

“I hope somebody makes a movie about Obama’s life soon because I could play him. That’s the goal. I watch all the addresses. Any time I seen him on TV, I don’t change the channel. I definitely pay attention and listen to the inflections of his voice.”

Let’s get the inflections right before we look at anything else. The rapper, known for tracks such as Take Care and Over, is so dedicated to becoming an Obama impersonator that he’s willing to take the advice of professionals.

“If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m pretty good at impressions.”

There’s your first mistake, Drake. Any idiot knows that you don’t ask people who know you if you’re good at something. How do you think we all ended up as writers, living in a hovel and eating our own shoes for sustenance? Exactly.

Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now.  Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don’t worry we’re not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.

To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you’d only get a little bit of motion sickness.

Yes, there is a massive ‘but’ here… although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers.  Instead we’re celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.

So in our American X Factor Video Special you’re going to have to watch videos of past American Idol contestants because we just realised that this is a brand spanking new television drama just waiting to redeem our souls.

Americas sweetheart and answer to Will Young shook talentless middle America to it’s very core when she won the first season of American Idol at the tender, chubby age of 20, but that was nothing compared to her emotionally wrought (let’s face it) video for ‘Because Of You’.

It may not have been her first single and it may have come years into her probably floundering career, but 2005 was never the same after little Kelly Clarkson had her hair done and showed off her acting chops.  As the runner up in 2003’s World Idol we can safely rest in the knowledge that there is only one human on the planet who is better than her. Fact. So while all tonight’s hicks are crying about failing the 3rd grade spelling bee on the word ‘grape’ that one day they might be belting out covers of Sheryl Crowe songs that bring all that resentment to the surface.  This ladies and gents is where it all started. Nobody even knows who you are Kurt Nilsen!

Season 2 gave us the comedy fat-guy with a heart of gold and inner turmoil.  Ruben Studdard, kangol hat finely atop his head, is that man. He wears big floating shirts and gets praise from people like Luther Vandross, when they aren’t looking he records songs like this.

Somebody called Fantasia won season 3, unlike Olly Murs they didn’t even get a presenting job.

Carrie Underwood though, we all know who she is right?  Course we do, she sings those songs, sort of like Taylor Swift right?  That could be Sheryl Crowe though, so don’t hold us to that, she’s from Oklahoma because nobody that isn’t from the Mid-West has ever won an American talent competition before.  Carrie who beat our favourite long-haired chap who plays guitar and has an alliterative name, Bo Bice, has wowed audiences with such hits as…please hold while we go to Wikipedia…’Inside your Heaven’ and ‘Jesus, Take The Wheel’.  In the video for the Grammy award winning ‘Before He Cheats’ you can see a feisty looking leather clad Carrie walk the streets with a baseball bat smashing the car of the cheater in questions, she also references Shania Twain which is fine by us.  Carrie looks a bit like Barbie, but not as human.  She has wind machines on her hair, and throws car keys in alcoholic beverages, she’s a bit full of herself this one.  The sheer power of her voice though does cause the windows of nearby buildings to explode, so that’s something.

Country music continued to prevail for another year and after that Jordin ‘my parents can’t spell’ Sparks won the competition somehow, but since her it’s just been average looking men with guitars strutting like male peacocks.

They could form a more tired, less self-deprecating, attempting to be well dressed, version of Snow Patrol.

As you only just remembered, or heard for the first time some of these names then you will have probably come to understand  your feelings and how you don’t care about the quality of video for whatever the next hit single may be.  The artists too have realised this and thus compile a series of images involving leaning towards the camera with a microphone stand, walking, and hitting a high note while in a moment of emotional intensity.  Let’s hope American X Factor can bring us a star who knows these industry secrets, a star that is homely in that Mid-Western way, a star who can sing like all of these people put together; let’s hope American X Factor can bring us Kelly Clarkson.  Alternatively we’ll settle for a family oriented hooker who snorts cheap drugs at the weekend.

Enjoy your time watching ITV 2 and if you have time between Iceland adverts, coping with the pain of the realisation that Randy Jackson isn’t here, and all the inane flirting then vote for us in those blog awards that we’re up for… please?

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Hey! Tony Bennett! We know you’ve got a duets LP to promote, but forget all that – we wanna know what you think about terrorism. Y’know, you’re not exactly a 100% American lookin’ anyway, which effectively makes you a foreigner. As such, you’re probably sympathetic to those terrorist guys, right?

What’s that?

You think that America itself is to blame for the 9/11 attacks in New York? You heard that George W. Bush thinks the whole thing is just one big mistake? Why, that’s not very American is it? It’s borderline reasonable for a start!

That’s right kiddiekins! Tony Bennett is opening that old mouth of his and talking about 9/11. He says that the whole attack on the World Trade Centre (et al) is solely the fault of Americans themselves.

What, so they waved the planes into the side of the building?

Of course not. Bennett said to Howard Stern:

“I’m anti-war. It’s the lowest form of human behaviour.”

“To start a war in Iraq was a tremendous, tremendous mistake internationally.”

However, however, however… those pesky terrorists started it all, right?

“I don’t know about that. Who are the terrorists? Are we the terrorists or are they the terrorists? Two wrongs don’t make a right … They flew the plane in, but we caused it … We were bombing them and they told us to stop.”

But. Wait. Hang on a doggone minute. George W Bush wouldn’t have irritated anyone enough to make them want to retaliate, right? Those guys picked a fight with America and Bush went after ‘em… right? What? Bush told you otherwise?

“He told me personally that night … ‘I think I made a mistake.’”

At least these comments didn’t come on the back of the 10th anniversary of the attacks.

Ah yes. They did. This makes Tony Bennett the celebsphere’s grouchy ol’ grandparent who can’t be bothered to keep their mouth shut anymore and just says exactly what they think.

It’s brilliant.

Now, all we have to do is to wait for our American cousins to start running their mouths off like Bennett just burned a flag and wiped his dick on the Bill of Rights (which, incidentally, should be Tony Bennett’s next PR stunt).

And while you’re shouting and hopping mad, remember, this is all your own stupid fault.

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Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s been the official line of the United States on gays serving in the military. They don’t want homosexuals sullying the forces with all those feelings and dance moves.

Of course, you’re completely allowed to be gay in America. That’s fine. And America has a lot of gay people. In fact, it’s probably the gay capital of the world.

They’re just not allowed in the army because United States federal law Pub.L. 103-160 (10 U.S.C. § 654) prohibits people who “demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts” because they’ll “create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.” You wouldn’t get the straights dry-humping each other, semi-naked, miming Barbie Girl, would you? What? They already are?!

While the DADT act prohibits any homosexual or bisexual person from disclosing his or her sexual orientation, or indeed, speaking about any homosexual relationships of any kind, it doesn’t discourage soldiers from having their picture taken next to piles of people who have passed out from torture in Abu Ghraib.

It doesn’t stop Army vets from recording profanity laden rap songs attacking Soulja Boy either.

This seems stupid really because America is definitely more gay than it is violent. There’s a lot more sodomy going down right now that shootings, raps and whatever else America thinks it gets up to.

In fact, the United States couldn’t be more gay. Even the straight people are really gay. That’s a good thing. Well done America, you big nation of gays.

To celebrate the end of DADT on September 20, 2011, here’s you not gay army men, pretty much having it off with each other to Aqua.

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We haven’t seen much of Cheryl Cole since America decided that it really, really hated her voice. As such, Cole almost vanished from the planet, if you don’t count the endless speculative articles that surrounded her for months.

And we could well be seeing a lot less of her as she’s been granted an superinjunction (please note, it is more of an ‘injunction’, but ‘superinjunction’ is a buzz word used to describe pretty much anything these days) which means that anyone who takes her picture without permission could end up having their collar felt by the long, stinky arm of the law.

Basically, this court order has been issued against “XYZ and others”. This means that anyone who has photographed her ‘at her home and in the street during 2011′, will be breaking the law. That means you excitable Cheryl fans could get arrested for snapping her. So what can we all do to get around it? Photoshopping images is the key!

If you’re a fan of Cheryl who newspapers might describe as ‘loyal’ and are mental enough to camp out to see her in various places ‘just to see if she’s okay’ or shout I LOVE YOU CHERYL for no reason at all, any photographs you take will be against the terms of the order.

Of course, if this proves vaguely successful, other celebrities will waste absolutely no time in getting their own orders out.

As such, we’ll be faced with the strange event that a celebrity will happily pose for photos at events, yet, they don’t want their photos taking at all.

Wouldn’t it be funny if all the media outlets clubbed together and decided that they wouldn’t take a picture of a celebrity ever, ever again, replacing their images with photoshopped horrors.

Such as? Well, let hecklerspray get the ball rolling with some suggestions. If we can’t snap Cheryl anymore, we’ll just have to imagine what she looks like these days.

You’re welcome.

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Make ‘em, make ‘em clap to this. Yes indeed, it’s mid term season in America and the promise that Eric B would be president never came true. Shame. However, Jay Z thinks he’d be a great leader of the United States of America and hecklerspray wants it to happen, just so Beyonce is First Lady!

J-Hova reckons that he’d be a great prez, and if you’re one of those conspiracy theorists who think that the whole show is run by backroom boys with a newly elected frontman, helpless to the whims of the puppet masters, then Jay Z would be ace because at least he’d deliver congress in rat-a-tat rhymes which would bring the house down!

And when is this likely to happen? Sooner than you think.

Jigga says:

“Give me a chance. Maybe in eight years, I’ll be the president.”

Get that? In less than a decade, we might see Jay Z as American president. Don’t tell us that this isn’t a thrilling prospect! That means there could be banknotes with pictures of Jay on them… which is the best notion ever. It makes you dream of an alternate universe where bank notes have pictures of Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Flava Flav on them.

So are we to assume that Jay Z wants to get into politics because he feels jaded and disappointed by the current president?

“In order to judge someone, you have to judge what they inherit. He inherited the worst economy, war, just a horrible time in American history. So if we think he can solve that, I mean, we don’t think he’s God, do we?

“He’s a human being. He’s going to need time to figure that out.

“In order to get to that sort of success and that dream, you have to go through some peaks and valleys. It’s been two years.”

And Jay-Z has met President Obama and chowed down with former leader Bill Clinton. Maybe he got some tips?

“It’s unbelievable because it’s so far away from where I come from. We were the kids who were ignored by every politician. We didn’t have the numbers, the vote, to put anybody in office, because no matter who was in the office, we didn’t think that it would affect change where we lived. So nobody went out and voted.

“For me, being with Obama or having dinner with Bill Clinton is crazy. It’s mind-blowing, because where I come from is just another world. We were just ignored by politicians – by America in general.”

Yeah, yeah… whatever. Can we have Beyonce as First Lady now please?

PURLEASE!

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Anything Britain does, the Americans have to better. We’ve have MP Ed Balls, which gives people license to titter about people serving under Balls and the like, and now, it seems America could have Senator Trump. Yessireebob, Donald Trump has revealed that he is considering running for president in 2012.

Insert exasperated swear words here.

If he landed the best most powerful gig in the world, then not only could we all laugh at President Trump (which sounds like the CEO of a novelty products company), but we’d also get the most ridiculous haircut in political history. Nothing – NOTHING – beats Donald Trump’s comb-up (he grows his spidery anus hair long and brushes it all the way up his back).

The Apprentice chump has revealed his hopes of representing the Republican Party (no surprise there then) in a future election during an appearance on Fox News.

He bellowed (well, he probably bellowed… the man doesn’t have a volume fader):

“For the first time in my life, I’m actually thinking about [running for president]“

“I am a Republican but have great respect for what the Tea Party has done because they have brought to light what’s going on. I mean, we have trillion dollar deficits…. The country is going bankrupt, let’s face it.”

The most powerful man in the world, with the most ridiculous hair in history, lecturing everyone about debt when various companies of his have filed for bankruptcy in the past! At one point, he owed $550million to lenders. That’s one man there, not in fact, an entire country.

Anyway, as he considers carrying his stupid and amusing surname toward the political world, Dick Swett, Saxby Chambliss, Randy Baumgardner and Goodluck Jonathan all fight it out for most amusing political name.

They must be quaking in their boots.

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Piers Morgan has won the final of NBC's The Celebrity Apprentice.

Or, to put it another way, Piers Morgan went to America looking for success, and America (and by America we mean Donald Trump) looked back at Piers Morgan and replied: "Sure, why not? You're a man with all the qualities required to succeed here. Your wish is our command".

What is wrong with America? It all started off so positively some 40,000 years ago when a bunch of wandering nomads from Asia decided to set up camp. They had a quaint little society going on, and for thousands of years everything was wonderful, but then in 1492 some Italian named Chris landed on the shore and it all turned to shit.

Civil War, Vietnam, Iraq, then Will and Grace, and now this, the ultimate coup de grace – Piers Morgan – whose list of crimes include making people feel sympathy for Jeremy Clarkson, being editor of the News Of The World once, and having the name Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan. Commenting on Morgan's performance in the show, touped-twat Donald Trump told him:

"You're a vicious guy; I've seen it … You're tough, you're smart,
you're probably brilliant, I'm not sure. You're certainly not
diplomatic, but you did an amazing job and you beat the hell out of
everybody."

The final task on Thursday's finale was to hold a charity event and raise as much money as possible. Morgan's rival, country singer Trace Adkins, had the duty of babysitting The Backstreet Boys, while Piers was responsible for the auction and food.

Trace sold more tickets, but Stefan Pughe raised the most money, earning an additional $250,000 (£125,000) for his charity.

And what was Morgan's chosen charity? Why it was the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund, which provides support for families of U.S. military personnel who have died in the line of duty.

Which is all very well, but it just goes to prove that, no matter how much of an utter cunt you are, if you cheer loud enough in support of the troops, all will be forgiven, even if you had previously been sacked for publishing faked photographs of Iraqi prisoners being abused by British Army personnel.

Whatever, America, you can have him, but don't doubt for one moment that this is anything other than your Judgement Day. So long, it's been good to know ya.

Remember a couple of days ago when Eddie Murphy got married to his girlfriend Tracey Edmonds in French Polynesia? Yeah, didn't happen.

Yes, we know it looked like it happened, and that everyone said it happened and there was a ceremony and everything, but it wasn't a wedding. Apparently Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds were just performing a 'spiritual binding' that wouldn't hold up in court if Eddie, say, knocked Tracey up, denied the baby was his and then dumped her on a European television programme, for example. However, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have announced that they do plan to have an official wedding ceremony just as soon as they return to America – which technically still leaves Eddie long enough to, say, do the knocking up/ denying/ dumping thing. If he wants to, that is.

Eddie Murphy is quite the fan of denying things – he's denied that Mel B's baby was his, he's denied that he left last year's Oscars in a huff when he didn't win and he's denied doing anything to that transvestite prostitute he was caught with in 1997 expect help the poor gender-confused whore out a little.

And now it's Eddie Murphy's turn to deny that he got married earlier this week. Although we reported Eddie Murphy's marriage to Tracey Edmonds on Wednesday, and people witnessed the wedding, and it was announced in a statement by Eddie Murphy, and official wedding photos were taken of Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds, apparently they didn't get married at all.

In fact, what happened was a 'spiritual binding' ceremony that has no legal purchase whatsoever because they'd been in French Polynesia for less than a month and they got married on a beach instead of in a building. But movie producer Tracey Edmonds knew all about this anyway, and she's going to marry Eddie Murphy properly when she gets home, as her slave explains:

"As is typical when couples get married in foreign countries, a legal ceremony will take place when they return to the U.S. The wedding that took place in Bora Bora was a ceremony to bind Eddie and Tracey spiritually in the presence of family and friends. The couple plan a legal ceremony as soon as they return to the States."

We wish we knew what a 'spiritual binding' actually involves, because it sounds really cool. We think it's either a ceremony where you get hair extensions made of ghosts, a public display of everlasting commitment or a sneaky way for Eddie Murphy to try and convince Tracey Edmonds that they're married even though it won't stand up in court at all if he ever decides to knock her up, dump her on TV, deny that he fathered the baby and move onto a brand new woman before he's even finished speaking.

Oh, we're kidding – let's hope that Eddie Murphy has learnt from his past indiscretions and never ever gets Tracey Edmonds pregnant. Because, let's face it, in the last year alone the two of them have been involved in the creative process of Norbit and Who's Your Caddy, and with genes like that no baby stands a chance, really.

Read more:

Eddie & Tracey to Hold Legal Wedding Ceremony in U.S. – People