Piers Morgan has won the final of NBC's The Celebrity Apprentice.

Or, to put it another way, Piers Morgan went to America looking for success, and America (and by America we mean Donald Trump) looked back at Piers Morgan and replied: "Sure, why not? You're a man with all the qualities required to succeed here. Your wish is our command".

What is wrong with America? It all started off so positively some 40,000 years ago when a bunch of wandering nomads from Asia decided to set up camp. They had a quaint little society going on, and for thousands of years everything was wonderful, but then in 1492 some Italian named Chris landed on the shore and it all turned to shit.

Remember a couple of days ago when Eddie Murphy got married to his girlfriend Tracey Edmonds in French Polynesia? Yeah, didn't happen.

Yes, we know it looked like it happened, and that everyone said it happened and there was a ceremony and everything, but it wasn't a wedding. Apparently Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds were just performing a 'spiritual binding' that wouldn't hold up in court if Eddie, say, knocked Tracey up, denied the baby was his and then dumped her on a European television programme, for example. However, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have announced that they do plan to have an official wedding ceremony just as soon as they return to America - which technically still leaves Eddie long enough to, say, do the knocking up/ denying/ dumping thing. If he wants to, that is.