USA - HecklerSpray

Britney Spears Might Be The New Nicole Scherzinger

March 1st, 2012 By Robin Darke

It’s not very often that the inhabitants of the hecklerspray bedsit have cause to say something nice about Britney Spears.

If she isn’t going mental with an umbrella and a pair of hair clippers then she’s screeching around Los Angeles with babies hanging under each arm like some kind of irresponsible sloth. And all that doesn’t even broach the Sam Lufti issue.

So it’s with some, we’re presuming, pride that we can sort of announce that Britney Spears is in talks to become one of the new judges on Simon Cowell’s pet project, X Factor USA. We say we’re presuming because like Miss Spears, we too were emotionally stunted by the lack of parental affection.

Blink 182?s Mark Hoppus Set Wants To Be The Voice Of UK And American Politics

February 15th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

People in suits arguing all day in Westminster, that's essentially what politics is isn't it? With the Conservatives currently in power and the Liberal Democrats being handed the deputy fellatio position, the UK is as knackered as it ever was under the Labour party.

In the UK, crippling debt is affecting us all, the nation?s credit rating might be downgrade and on top of that, Scotland wants to do go solo. But then again, Scotland will inevitably make a mess of things if they do fly the political nest. One of its biggest football clubs, Rangers can't cope and has gone into administration. What hope is there for anyone else living there?

You?d assume that all of our political leaders would put aside their differences and think of how they can all help the UK through varying crisiseses. Instead, the playground taunting of ?my idea is better than yours? continues and it's now down to pop punker Mark Hoppus from Blink 182 to help us out.

Super Bowl 2012: Top 10 Super Bowl Moments

August 7th, 2012 By hecklerspray staff

Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay ?The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat?.?

The unfortunate truth about the Super Bowl is that a large proportion of them have been crap, crap, one-sided affairs that were not so much the ultimate gladiatorial fight that is often portrayed, but more like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where Indiana just shoots the sword wielding guy.

Anyways, regardless of the final outcome there have been some very good individual moments from the Super Bowl, here?s the best top 10 Super Bowl moments your stupid eyes will ever see.

Drake Proves That Even Celebrities Have Unattainable Goals

January 30th, 2012 By Michael Park

You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.

Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.

The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.

Pop Promos: Wait, Is This All Scroobius Pip’s Fault?

August 7th, 2012 By Lauren Mullineaux

Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now.? Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don't worry we're not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.

To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you'd only get a little bit of motion sickness.

Yes, there is a massive ?but? here? although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers.? Instead we're celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.

Tony Bennett Tells America It Was To Blame For 9/11 And Dubya Knows It Too

September 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Tony Bennett! We know you’ve got a duets LP to promote, but forget all that – we wanna know what you think about terrorism. Y’know, you’re not exactly a 100% American lookin’ anyway, which effectively makes you a foreigner. As such, you’re probably sympathetic to those terrorist guys, right?

What’s that?

You think that America itself is to blame for the 9/11 attacks in New York? You heard that George W. Bush thinks the whole thing is just one big mistake? Why, that’s not very American is it? It’s borderline reasonable for a start!

American Army Are Just Big Gay Barbie Girls (Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell)

September 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s been the official line of the United States on gays serving in the military. They don’t want homosexuals sullying the forces with all those feelings and dance moves.

Of course, you’re completely allowed to be gay in America. That’s fine. And America has a lot of gay people. In fact, it’s probably the gay capital of the world.

They’re just not allowed in the army because United States federal law Pub.L. 103-160 (10 U.S.C. ? 654) prohibits people who “demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts” because they’ll “create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.” You wouldn’t get the straights dry-humping each other, semi-naked, miming Barbie Girl, would you? What? They already are?!

You Could Be Arrested For Taking Cheryl Cole’s Photograph Thanks To Superinjunction

June 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We haven’t seen much of Cheryl Cole since America decided that it really, really hated her voice. As such, Cole almost vanished from the planet, if you don’t count the endless speculative articles that surrounded her for months.

And we could well be seeing a lot less of her as she’s been granted an superinjunction (please note, it is more of an ‘injunction’, but ‘superinjunction’ is a buzz word used to describe pretty much anything these days) which means that anyone who takes her picture without permission could end up having their collar felt by the long, stinky arm of the law.

Basically, this court order has been issued against “XYZ and others”. This means that anyone who has photographed her ‘at her home and in the street during 2011’, will be breaking the law. That means you excitable Cheryl fans could get arrested for snapping her. So what can we all do to get around it? Photoshopping images is the key!

Jay-Z For President!

November 3rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Make ’em, make ’em clap to this. Yes indeed, it’s mid term season in America and the promise that Eric B would be president never came true. Shame. However, Jay Z thinks he’d be a great leader of the United States of America and hecklerspray wants it to happen, just so Beyonce is First Lady!

J-Hova reckons that he’d be a great prez, and if you’re one of those conspiracy theorists who think that the whole show is run by backroom boys with a newly elected frontman, helpless to the whims of the puppet masters, then Jay Z would be ace because at least he’d deliver congress in rat-a-tat rhymes which would bring the house down!

And when is this likely to happen? Sooner than you think.

Donald Trump Hopes To Become Most Amusingly Named President Of America

October 6th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Anything Britain does, the Americans have to better. We’ve have MP Ed Balls, which gives people license to titter about people serving under Balls and the like, and now, it seems America could have Senator Trump. Yessireebob, Donald Trump has revealed that he is considering running for president in 2012.

Insert exasperated swear words here.

If he landed the best most powerful gig in the world, then not only could we all laugh at President Trump (which sounds like the CEO of a novelty products company), but we’d also get the most ridiculous haircut in political history. Nothing – NOTHING – beats Donald Trump’s comb-up (he grows his spidery anus hair long and brushes it all the way up his back).