Upside Down - HecklerSpray

Now Even David Blaine Thinks That David Blaine Is Rubbish

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When David Blaine looks back on his life, his upside down stunt will be his third-biggest regret, after his stupid beard and the way he never got a proper job.

By promising to hang upside down for 60 hours, only to end up taking breaks for a third of that time because it hurt when he peed, David Blaine lost a lot of fans. And rightly so – it’s one thing to pretend to pull your own heart out of your chest, but not letting blood collect in his brain for long enough to kill him? Boo you, sir. Boo to you.

Anyway, one of the biggest fans that David Blaine lost with his stunt seems to be David Blaine himself. Speaking on Regis And Kelly, David Blaine told the world that he’s disappointed with the stunt, especially the ending. As are we, David. We wanted the stunt to end with your head exploding, and you knew that.

David Blaine Idiot Update: Stunt Over, Not One Exploded Head

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Last night David Blaine completed his Dive Of Death stunt – which, as it turns out, contained quite a lot less diving and/or death than we expected.

That’s nothing surprising, really – had he wanted the stunt to have more accurate name David Blaine would have titled it The Brief Upside Down Swing Of Uncomfortable Urination or, better, The Mostly Standing Up Of Non-Death – but it’s finished now, so we may as well humour David a bit.

The Dive Of Death part came right at the end of David Blaine’s stunt where, after 60 hours of hanging upside down, Blaine was sort of gently lowered down to the ground on a harness and then pulled up again until he vanished. Nobody really knows why this happened, but they’re generally agreed that it was better than watching him cry like a big girl as soon as it finished, which tends to be his traditional show-stopper.

David Blaine Idiot Update: He Won’t Pee On Himself For You

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We take back everything we ever said about David Blaine – staying upside down for 60 hours is an incredible feat of endurance.

At least we presume it is. And David Blaine probably presumes the same thing, too, because it’s not like he’d know what being upside down for 60 hours is actually like or anything. You see, it’s emerged that David Blaine actually gives himself two 10-minute breaks every hour where he can drop to the ground and have a bit of a rest. Why? Because – and this is true – David Blaine finds weeing upside down slightly uncomfortable.

Still, never one to bow to his detractors, David Blaine will end his stunt tonight and immediately begin training for his next stunning feat of endurance. We hear it involves him spending 45 minutes in a luxury hotel suite being fed peeled grapes by a cluster of top supermodels while Angelina Jolie occasionally dabs single beads of sweat from his brow with a tuft of unicorn fur. Truly, that man is a machine.

David Blaine Idiot Update: Exploding Head Imminent

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

David Blaine’s big new stunt – the one where he hangs upside down for a while and then stops and goes home – is fully underway in New York.

And it seems to be a case of so far so dull because despite what all those elaborately-named doctors seemed to think yesterday, David Blaine hasn’t gone blind yet. Nor has blood started seeping from his tear ducts. He hasn’t even coughed up a single internal organ yet. David Blaine is rubbish. We want our money back.

Or maybe we should wait a while, because David Blaine has revealed that being upside down makes him think that his “head’s about to explode.” Yeah, well that’s nothing. We once ate three bunches of grapes in one go and it made us feel like our bum was going to explode, but you don’t hear us banging on about it, do you?

David Blaine Idiot Update: Upside Down & Expecting Us To Care

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As we speak, David Blaine is hanging upside down six storeys above Central Park, and nobody seems to have told him that it’s a crap idea.

Nobody seems to know exactly why David Blaine has decided to hang upside down above Central Park for 60 hours in a row without food or sleep. It’s probably best to presume that it’s just another one of those attention-seeking stunts he does from time to time because his mother didn’t hug him very often. However, with this stunt David Blaine runs the risk of doing some very serious damage to himself.

Apparently some kind of medical genius has decided that being upside down for 60 hours might make the blood go to David Blaine’s head, which could harm his eyesight. Bad news for David Blaine, but good news for those of us who want the stunt to end with David Blaine’s eyeballs popping out of his head, sending jets of blood spraying around in all directions over a crowd of screaming onlookers.

And, face it, deep down that’s all of us.