DON’T PANIC EVERYONE! Frankie from The Saturdays has been found alive and well! Go back about your business.

The World was left in a state of shock when The Saturdays pitched up on London’s Oxford Street to turn on the Christmas lights, only to find that Frankie (the one people know the name of) wasn’t there.

It turns out that the former S Club Juniors singer was just feeling a bit poorly, so wasn’t able to join her band mates when they officially started Christmas on Tuesday evening.

Rumours circulated that the singer must have been kidnapped as part of a terrorist plot to derail the musical behemoth that is The Saturdays. The plan came about when senior Al-Qaeda leaders discovered documentary evidence that suggested that The Saturdays, the most powerful pop group in the West, are unable to defend the country in their giant fighting robots, which can merge together to form a giant mechanical monster, when they are not all together.

Hold on, we may have confused the Saturdays with the Power Rangers for a minute.

No, Frankie just wasn’t feeling well and apparently wasn’t up to the task of standing on a stage with 4 other people to do a single synchronised movement, despite the fact that this has formed the basis of her career to date.

Now that she’s back, The Saturdays can resume being the biggest pop band in Britain that is still yet to have had any semblance of commercial success outside of an ad campaign or a copy of Now! magazine.

Although, thinking about it, we can’t help but feel that if The Saturdays did actually become Power Rangers, they’d probably be a bit more successful and we might actually care whether or not one of them was too ill to flick a bloody switch on Oxford Street.

Oh well, at least we now know how many Saturdays it takes to switch on a light bulb. If only we could remember their names.

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This might come as a shock to some of you, so prepare yourselves – Britney Spears is mentally unwell.

And that might not be new – we guessed that the moment Britney shacked up with Kevin Federline – but Britney Spears' manager Sam Lufti has apparently told Barbara Walters that Britney suffers from "mental issues" that she's seeking treatment for.

And how did Britney Spears celebrate this news? By having a gigantic fight with Sam Lufti and then sobbing on a pavement in front of the whole world. In case we didn't already get the message.

Aside from being that play where Harry Potter got his winky out, Equus is actually a meditation on the role of psychiatric treatment that raises the question 'is it really morally acceptable to entirely change an individual's personality with medication and treatment just because they don't fit society's definition of normal?'

And, in the case of Britney Spears, the answer is 'Yes. Yes, it's absolutely acceptable and frankly we wish that she'd get a bloody move on with it because she's getting right on our sodding tits.'

But finally it looks as if Britney Spears might actually be seeking out help because, according to Britney's manager Sam Lufti, Britney Spears has realised that she's mental. Yes, look, we know that this makes Britney Spears literally the last person in the entire world to realise that, but at least it's a start.

Lufti's assertions that Britney is crazy were revealed by Barbara Walters yesterday on The View. Reuters reports:

Veteran broadcast journalist Walters said she spoke with Lufti by phone after he reached out to her. "He said that Britney is suffering from what he describes as mental issues which are treatable," Walters said on "The View." "He said that she has been to a psychiatrist and that she, I assume, is starting some kind of treatment." Walters said Lufti has been staying with the singer "constantly" and added that Spears has been having "mood swings, she's been having trouble sleeping." Walters said she did not know whether Lufti was indeed telling the truth.

Now we're not sure what exactly made Britney Spears admit to her mental problems – could it be the emotional stress of losing her children, the shocking realisation that she's become a petty shoplifter or the way that, ten months after she called herself the devil and tried to hang herself with a bedsheet in rehab, she got topless, locked herself in a bathroom with her kids and started in yelling in an inexplicable British accent until an ambulance came to take her away? – but she's getting there.

Or at least she would be if it weren't for the gigantic fight that Britney Spears had with Sam Lufti last night that ended up with Britney Spears slumped on a pavement crying her eyes out and clutching her dog until the police, Britney's family and her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib all turned up to turn it into the gigantic circus it was promising to be. But, hey, at least she's getting better. 

And whether Britney Spears is only seeking treatment for these "mental issues" because she wants to convince a court that she can see her children, or whether she's solely invested in getting help for her own sake, Britney has at least admitted that she's got a problem. And don't they say that admitting your problem is the first step on the road to recovery?

Yes they do. However, the second step on the road to recovery is 'put some knickers on for Christ's sake darling, your tatty minge is bringing our lunch up', and we all know how difficult Britney Spears is going to find that. She's not out of the woods yet.

Read more:

Spears' manager says singer has "mental issues" - Reuters