Pre-determination is something that the same fools who believe in superstition go in for in a big way. You might recognise it as fate or the ‘thundering approach to emotional and financial oblivion’. If you believe in fate then you probably married the first person who ever gave you an orgasm and are now woefully unhappy, only able to console yourself by watching romantic comedies.

Even as you do so, you realise everything seems to work out well for the shining-faced Hollywood elite. That is despite their belief and reliance on exactly the same concept which has led you to a life of raised voices and thinly veiled hatred. Fate worked out okay for them, didn’t it? Why not you?

Anyway, enough about your bitter, twisted existence.

You see, fate is a weapon which is used against you. From your formative years, you’ll remember the fairy tales where the prince always met the beautiful princess and guess what: they lived happily ever after. It was never a case of boy meets girl, girl meets other boy and they all lived horribly ever after, only communicating through lawyers, was it? Their fates were mapped out and they knew that the person they ended up with would be “the one” for them. That’s not just because royal families are notorious for marrying internally and producing offspring with webbed toes; it’s because the fates are strong with these ones.

As you begin to grow up, you’ll move onto “teen” things for “teens” and these are a little bit more angsty. You’ll see people going through highly glossed break-ups and angry retribution because you’re a teenager and this stuff is designed to fill you with the proper quotient of ire about the world you’re forced to grow up in. “Why can’t things be like they are in fairytales?” You’ll post on your Tumblr (or your diary, depending on how old you are) but let’s face it. Teen dramas always end with the two buff dickheads who broke up at the start getting back together or meeting their future spouses through their ex. There’s always the suggestion of serendipity, even if your warped teenage mind can’t get your head round it.

When you’re older, you think you’re wiser and you won’t fall for silly things like fate but just wait until that person you quite fancied at school adds you on Facebook and you’ll find yourself wondering ‘what if’. You’ve been conditioned to believe in fate and pre-determination. That’s why adverts have become so predictable.

Take this latest example of fuckwaddery from BT. Unable to tie ‘the berk from My Family’ down to a new contract, BT were forced to try and update THE GREATEST DRAMA OF OUR MODERN AGE without mentioning the fact that Whatsisface died in a horrifying Space Shuttle crash in the Adriatic Sea. They decided to go back to the start to when Whatsisname from My Family met Whoserface from other things by sending one of the irritating children to university. Presumably to study for a proper degree given that he’ll never get another acting job after this (I’m willing to be proved wrong on that one).

You see, if you go back in time to the original advert, Thingy and Whozit meet through a completely serendipitous moment. Fast forward to 2012 and here’s Young Whozit running into a girl who wants to live in the same flat as him. No looks are shared but you can tell where this is going.

There’s not much to say about the advert itself. You can all see the sheer idiocy of the creepy ‘geek’ who has an interest in touching the bits of Young Whozit’s future love and I’m quite sure you can visualise trying to make friends in your teenage years by talking about the speed of broadband (or dial-up… or fax machines… or how long it takes to dial a phone… or send a telegram). It’s not something that marks you out as an interesting human being.

It does show that BT are going back to the start and the cycle of fortunate events will begin anew. The two will enjoy a blossoming romance, held together by a love of superfast broadband (which isn’t superfast at all) while ‘the geek’ tries to ruin the blossoming romance by hilariously spiking the wrong person’s drink on a night out. Or something. It doesn’t matter. Four years down the line, you’ll be at a wedding in the ad break for Britain’s Got Talent and you’ll wonder where the hell we all went wrong.

Is it their fault for relying on the same old bullshit to shift Broadband plans or is it yours for buying into it from childhood?

S Club 7 were good weren’t they?  They all danced around in a line, singing about reaching for stars, wearing white and making everyone with ears wish they’d be born deaf.  Still, idiots everywhere bought their music until 2003 when they broke up under a cloud of sheer indifference.

Since then, the only member you’re likely to remember is Jo..erm.. thingy who went on Big Brother and participated in some racist bullying alongside Jade Goody or maybe you remember Rachel Stevens because she was the good looking one and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

So, when they saw the recent comeback success of similar white wearing band Steps, they all got together and decided they’d quite like to cash in on this, regardless of whether you like it or not.

A source said:

“S Club have seen what’s happened to Steps and want a piece of it.”

And as if that wasn’t bad enough;

‘They’re hoping to make a TV show following their reunion, a tour and the release of an updated Greatest Hits album – just like Steps.”

No. Oh JESUS CHRIST NO!!

The band’s spokesman refused to comment on this, making us hope it’s just a cruel, cruel rumour that someone with a grudge against the human race has decided to unleash but given that three of the band members are touring around clubs and universities as S Club 3, which is enough to make any former popstar wish for better days, we fear it may be true.

Despite the fact that Don’t Stop Movin’ was a decent pop tune, we’d rather superglue our eyelids open and sit through 17 hours of TOWIE than have any part of this.

Here, watch this and remember them as they were and not the elderly, arthritic, alcohol soaked monsters they are now.

Arm-hacking enthusiast James Franco has confirmed the end of five-year relationship with actress Ahna O’Reilly citing a love of books as the reason for their terminating their ‘love contract’.

The actor, famous for managing to look handsome while cutting off his arm in ’127 Hours’ has confirmed his five-year romance with Ahna O’Reilly has ended because he is so busy with his other education commitments, although he did not manage to reveal when they ended their relationship, presumably realising that no-one would give two hoots.

Women everywhere (who read Playboy?) are said to be feeling listless and lost. First George Clooney becomes single and now George Clooney Jnr has become single. Who do they go for? Who do they pin their idiotic hopes on? They’ll never get either of them, but now there’s two.

hecklerspray can testify to the fact that it’s extremely difficult to stalk more than one person. That’s why we have a writing team.

Frano has been studying at Yale University, New York University, Warren Wilson College in North Carolina, Brooklyn College and Columbia University which either means that he’s something of a polymath or just that he’s too thick to stay anywhere for more than a year. What is he even studying?

He told the new issue of Playboy magazine:

“It’s over. That lasted about four or five years. We’d been living together in Los Angeles and then came to New York to go to school for two years. Then I signed up for more school at Yale. I think that was it for her.”

That’s heartbreaking, isn’t it? He signed up for ‘more school’. More. School. A phrase which is a shocking indictment of the English tutors at Ivy League universities but let’s not dwell on that too much. We’re clearly just bitter.

James admitted in the interview that he hasn’t had much luck with women, particularly when he was at school because he was so “shy and awkward”. It’s a real pity that he never really blossomed as a person and became a film star. James Franco really is one of the forgotten men of Hollywood. Oh… wait…

When asked by the Playboy interviewer, who was rubbing his thighs, when he lost his virginity, he said:

“In high school with my girlfriend. Her name was Jasmine. We went out freshman year and then I blew it. She kind of got over me, but we got back together at the beginning of junior year and dated for two years. She was my first real relationship.

“I think girls liked me, but I was awkward, shy and emotionally immature, so I didn’t have a ton of girlfriends. I had short-term relationships and always got dumped, I think because I was too slow for them.”

That might be why he keeps signing up for ‘more and more school’ because he’s worried he’s slow. Girls don’t like guys who are slow. That’s why none of hecklerspray’s male writers get any girls. Ever.

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Wriggling infant and mimer supreme, Justin Bieber, is a wealthy child who has dampened the gussets of millions of tweens across the world. With his lesbian haircut, he’s become such a phenomena that even think of his name can make twitter melt.

And now, Master Bieber wants to be more than just a singing amniotic sac. He wants to improve himself. He wants to make his brains better by going to university. He’ll probably do ‘sports-science’, whatever the crap that is.

In fairness, if he’s planning on going to a British university, he’ll be the only person who can afford it, thereby, guaranteeing himself unprecedented levels of privacy, which is a godsend for a human as famous as he.

According to GossipCop.com, while at a Madrid news conference Justin said:

“I always travel with a private tutor who I have five three-hour sessions a week with.

“I want to finish high school and also university and then evolve wherever my music takes me.”

In fairness, university will probably ruin Bieber. He’ll have to eat nothing but chips and kebabs and his tiny little liver will be pickled on sambuca shots and jagerbombs.

That’s not even mentioning the STIs he’ll invariably catch while living in a mold-riddled house covered in flyers and empty bottles of cider.

On his twitter account, he said:

“Long day in ESPANA but worth it!! Had a lot of fun and the fans here are INCREDIBLE!! 10,000 people at the signing!! FLOODED THE STREETS!!”

Lets hope university teaches him something about use of exclamation marks and such.

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This is a bit of a secret, so keep it under your hats, but apparently Paul McCartney is quite good at music.

That’s not because Paul McCartney was one of the principle songwriters in the world’s biggest-ever band, mind you. No, it’s because Paul McCartney has now been given an honorary Doctor of Music degree from Yale University. Just an honorary one, mind you – Paul McCartney isn’t that good at music.

Despite the token nature of the doctorate, Paul McCartney’s new title means that he now gets to fist-fight Dr Fox to determine who has the most pointlessly hokey medical-sounding title. Careful, Sir Paul – Foxy fights dirty, plus you’re really bloody old. The odds aren’t looking great.

If you’d fallen off a ladder and snapped your leg in 16 places, who would you want rushing to help you – an actual doctor or a wobbly-headed old man who looks more and more like your dead grandmother with every passing day and once wrote a song about some happy frogs?

Of course you’d want the froggy old man, because real doctors are inherently untrustworthy and there’s a chance that the old man would amputate your leg, marry you then divorce you a few months later and give you millions of quid. But only if he’s Paul McCartney, mind you – it’s less likely to happen if he’s the scary old granny tramp who sleeps outside Argos and scream-sings an improvised song called Happy Frogs (Crawling Out Of My Arse) at strangers all day.

Anyway, this is all just a long-winded way of saying that Paul McCartney is Yale University’s newest honorary doctor of music. The Associated Press reports:

Yale said the 65-year-old McCartney awakened a generation, giving a fresh sound to rock and roll and to rhythm and blues. Yale University President Richard Levin evoked some of the songwriter’s most memorable lines. “Here, there and everywhere,” Levin said, quoting a line from a Beatles song, “you have pushed the boundaries of the familiar to create new classics. We admire your musical genius and your generous support of worthy causes.”

Levin then added “Plus you aren’t dead like John Lennon. Seriously, he’d have got this title years ago if he was still alive.”

However, after the year that he’s had – what with his divorce from Heather Mills and his heart surgery and his multitude of alleged sexual liaisons with women young enough to be his daughter – Paul McCartney needed cheering up, and if it took an ego-boosting but ultimately worthless publicity stunt by an American university to do so, then so be it.

Plus, for all his awards and record sales and increasingly legendary status as a musician and songwriter, Paul McCartney never gained any formal qualifications for his music, but at least that can change now. Paul McCartney is now a genuine music graduate, which means he can now follow the path of millions of music graduates before him.

That’s so long as Superdrug will employ a Saturday boy his age, of course.

Forget the Oscars and the Grammys and the Golden Globes – they're all rubbish, largely because Paris Hilton won't ever win any of them.

Where it's at now, kids, is the Harvard University Woman Of The Year award, because – other than the inaugural Dozy Wonk-Eyed Slapper gala set for later this spring – it's just about the only award that Paris Hilton will get this year.

No, really, Paris Hilton is going to get a Woman Of The Year award. We're not making this up. Promise.

As comprehensive and groundbreaking as Paris Hilton's 1,500 page thesis on the first iconoclastic period of the Isaurian Byzantine dynasty is, it was generally thought that only way that Paris Hilton could ever get into Harvard is if she sucked off a security guard, filmed it and put it on the internet.

But how wrong we all were. As it turns out, Paris Hilton is going to Harvard University next month to pick up the Hasty Pudding Woman Of The Year award, because apparently she's been fairly important over the last 12 months. News to us.

But apparently this is true. Of all the billions of women in the whole world, the megabrains at Harvard have decided that Paris Hilton is the only one who deserves to become their woman of the year. According to UPI:

Hilton is slated to accept the award and speak publicly to Harvard University's student body at a large public ceremony in the middle of Harvard Square in Cambridge, Mass., Feb. 6, said Regent Releasing, the studio behind her new big-screen comedy "The Hottie and the Nottie," which opens nationwide Feb. 8.

Oh, OK – if the studio behind Paris Hilton's so-shit-that-only-an-idiot-would-watch-it misogynistic romcom The Hottie And The Nottie have announced this Woman Of The Year accolade, then maybe there's a fraction of a chance that it's all a lie baked up as a watery publicity stunt to boost awareness of that awful piece of crap movie.

But let's just say that it is true and that Paris Hilton really is going to accept Harvard University's Woman Of The Year award. Why? Could it be because the students at Harvard have witnessed Paris Hilton's dramatic personality shift from drink-driving jailbird to the Rwanda-shunning do-gooder who paints herself gold for charity that she is today and they want her to impart her zen-like messages of philanthropy on the children of the world?

Either that or they hear that Paris is a massive slut who'll bang anything that walks. One or the other.

Read more:

Paris Hilton headed to Harvard – UPI