Paul McCartney Now A Medically-Qualified Thumby Knobhead Or Something This is a bit of a secret, so keep it under your hats, but apparently Paul McCartney is quite good at music. That's not because Paul McCartney was one of the principle songwriters in the world's biggest-ever band, mind you. No, it's because Paul McCartney has now been given an honorary Doctor of Music degree from Yale University. Just an honorary one, mind you - Paul McCartney isn't that good at music. Despite the token nature of the doctorate, Paul McCartney's new title means that he now gets to fist-fight Dr Fox to determine who has the most pointlessly hokey medical-sounding title. Careful, Sir Paul - Foxy fights dirty, plus you're really bloody old. The odds aren't looking great.

Paris Hilton To Be Harvard’s Unironic Woman Of The Year

Forget the Oscars and the Grammys and the Golden Globes - they're all rubbish, largely because Paris Hilton won't ever win any of them.

Where it's at now, kids, is the Harvard University Woman Of The Year award, because - other than the inaugural Dozy Wonk-Eyed Slapper gala set for later this spring - it's just about the only award that Paris Hilton will get this year.

No, really, Paris Hilton is going to get a Woman Of The Year award. We're not making this up. Promise.