Pre-determination is something that the same fools who believe in superstition go in for in a big way. You might recognise it as fate or the ‘thundering approach to emotional and financial oblivion’. If you believe in fate then you probably married the first person who ever gave you an orgasm and are now woefully unhappy, only able to console yourself by watching romantic comedies.

Even as you do so, you realise everything seems to work out well for the shining-faced Hollywood elite. That is despite their belief and reliance on exactly the same concept which has led you to a life of raised voices and thinly veiled hatred. Fate worked out okay for them, didn’t it? Why not you?

Anyway, enough about your bitter, twisted existence.

You see, fate is a weapon which is used against you. From your formative years, you’ll remember the fairy tales where the prince always met the beautiful princess and guess what: they lived happily ever after. It was never a case of boy meets girl, girl meets other boy and they all lived horribly ever after, only communicating through lawyers, was it? Their fates were mapped out and they knew that the person they ended up with would be “the one” for them. That’s not just because royal families are notorious for marrying internally and producing offspring with webbed toes; it’s because the fates are strong with these ones.

As you begin to grow up, you’ll move onto “teen” things for “teens” and these are a little bit more angsty. You’ll see people going through highly glossed break-ups and angry retribution because you’re a teenager and this stuff is designed to fill you with the proper quotient of ire about the world you’re forced to grow up in. “Why can’t things be like they are in fairytales?” You’ll post on your Tumblr (or your diary, depending on how old you are) but let’s face it. Teen dramas always end with the two buff dickheads who broke up at the start getting back together or meeting their future spouses through their ex. There’s always the suggestion of serendipity, even if your warped teenage mind can’t get your head round it.

When you’re older, you think you’re wiser and you won’t fall for silly things like fate but just wait until that person you quite fancied at school adds you on Facebook and you’ll find yourself wondering ‘what if’. You’ve been conditioned to believe in fate and pre-determination. That’s why adverts have become so predictable.

Take this latest example of fuckwaddery from BT. Unable to tie ‘the berk from My Family’ down to a new contract, BT were forced to try and update THE GREATEST DRAMA OF OUR MODERN AGE without mentioning the fact that Whatsisface died in a horrifying Space Shuttle crash in the Adriatic Sea. They decided to go back to the start to when Whatsisname from My Family met Whoserface from other things by sending one of the irritating children to university. Presumably to study for a proper degree given that he’ll never get another acting job after this (I’m willing to be proved wrong on that one).

You see, if you go back in time to the original advert, Thingy and Whozit meet through a completely serendipitous moment. Fast forward to 2012 and here’s Young Whozit running into a girl who wants to live in the same flat as him. No looks are shared but you can tell where this is going.

There’s not much to say about the advert itself. You can all see the sheer idiocy of the creepy ‘geek’ who has an interest in touching the bits of Young Whozit’s future love and I’m quite sure you can visualise trying to make friends in your teenage years by talking about the speed of broadband (or dial-up… or fax machines… or how long it takes to dial a phone… or send a telegram). It’s not something that marks you out as an interesting human being.

It does show that BT are going back to the start and the cycle of fortunate events will begin anew. The two will enjoy a blossoming romance, held together by a love of superfast broadband (which isn’t superfast at all) while ‘the geek’ tries to ruin the blossoming romance by hilariously spiking the wrong person’s drink on a night out. Or something. It doesn’t matter. Four years down the line, you’ll be at a wedding in the ad break for Britain’s Got Talent and you’ll wonder where the hell we all went wrong.

Is it their fault for relying on the same old bullshit to shift Broadband plans or is it yours for buying into it from childhood?

Nothing beat Saturday morning cartoons when you were growing up.

That feeling of waking up stupidly early so you could sit cross-legged and transfixed on the TV for hours on end is hard to beat.

Sure, as adults, we have sex, sleep-ins and cars to entertain us during the weekends – but are they really as good? OK, yes, they are, so we won’t labour the point.

Anyway, cartoons are great. But, let’s face it, some of the cartoons and cartoon characters they used to inflict on us were just terrible. They were tantamount to child abuse, seriously. You know which ones we mean – and we can only assume the people who created them had miserable childhoods.

They hated children and wanted to get back at us for some hideous playground incident back when they were nine. How else do you explain Lisa Simpson? Or even Scrappy Doo? We can only live in hope that the person responsible for Scrappy Doo will spend their after-life in the ninth level of Hell – alongside Hitler, Stalin and the guy who played Jar Jar Binks.

Anyway, here are the cartoon characters which annoyed us the most – please feel free to suggest your own,
Enjoy!

21. Tweety Bird
From: Various cartoons

How cute: a little canary with a New Jersey accent.  Please eat him Sylvester and floss with his birdie bones.

20. Pebbles and Bam-Bam (especially when they grew up)
From: The Flintstones

Seriously, what was the point?

19. Teddy Ruxpin
From: The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin

Could he be more earnest and annoying? You’re a bear for God’s sake, go nick some picnic baskets or kill something!

18. Porky Pig
From: Various cartoons

A pig with a stutter – just great! Genius! What next? A hare with a harelip? A monkey with a drug habit? A hedgehog who fantasises about having sex with rhinos? Actually…

17. Pepe Le Pew
From: Les Adventures de Pepe Le Pew or something

A French skunk who smells and is a bit of a sex pest. Now, we are no fans of our neighbours over the Channel, but that’s some serious stereotyping going on there. He should have been lazy, eat anything that isn’t tied down and carried a white flag with ‘strike’ on it too. Wait a minute!

16. Olive Oyl
From: Popeye

So why were they fighting over her again?

15. Luigi
From: The Super Mario Brothers Super Show

Luigi was the halfwit brother of videogame icon and fellow plumber Mario. He also was one of the main reasons Mario Bros the cartoon sucked.

14. Gazoo
From: The Flintstones

Whatever the Flintstones creators were on when they came up with a snotty, tiny green alien who only Fred could see should be banned immediately.

13. C-3PO
From: Droids: The Adventures of R2-D2 and C-3PO

George Lucas – you are going to Hell

12. Rubik
From: Rubik, The Amazing Cube

Even more annoying than a Rubik’s Cube. Do you know anyone who has actually solved one without cheating? Geek.

11. Angelica Charlotte Pickles
From: Rugrats

Whoever unleashed Rugrats on an unsuspecting world deserves being tortured by Jack Bauer.

10. Dungeon Master
From: Dungeons and Dragons

Can anyone be more smug? Or have worse hair? Put it this way: would you trust someone with that hair who calls himself ‘Dungeon Master’?

9. Uni
From: Dungeons and Dragons

While we are on the subject of Dungeons and Dragons, were we the only ones who wished that bloody unicorn and that annoying noise it made would die a horrible death?

8. David the Gnome
From: David the Gnome

A gnome. Named David. Thanks for this one, continental Europe.

7. Roadrunner
From: Roadrunner or something like that

Were we the only ones rooting for the coyote?

6. He-Man
From: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Stupid and stupid voice – some hero.

5. Bonkers D. Bobcat
From: Bonkers

Highly annoying Roger Rabbit rip-off – without Jessica Rabbit.

4. Snarf
From: Thundercats

Cursed with the most annoying voice on the planet, this alien cat nursemaid (now that is just odd) was simply a pointless character.

3. Orko
From: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

We all wished He-man’s court jester would make himself disappear.

2. Lisa Simpson
From: The Simpsons

Yes, we know she plays an important role in the show, but did they really have to make her so annoying?

1. Scrappy -Doo
From: Scooby-Doo

Whoever came up with idea of Scrappy-Doo was a lonely, bitter person. He brought misery to millions of children. We hope you are happy.

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