But he’s not. He’s really not. Miley Cyrus has been on the radio in America defending her alleged new boyfriend Justin Gaston to the hilt, claiming that he’s ‘awesome’ and a ‘really great Christian guy’. And what Miley Cyrus says, we have no option but to believe. Justin Gaston, you’re awesome and a really great Christian guy and we apologise for thinking wrongly of you.

And the fact that on the same day as Miley Cyrus’ interview, pictures were leaked onto the internet of Justin Gaston rolling around on the floor in his underwear with an unidentified woman and giving the camera the finger? Well that’s just awesome and Christian too. We hear that Jesus did a very similar thing once himself, actually.

These days it seems like the thing that teenage girls need to worry most about is church guys getting them pregnant. Actually, the ‘these days’ bit of that last sentence was a bit misleading since God, the original church guy, managed to knock Mary up when she was about 14 years old. High five to God, there, the big omnipotent pervert.

But these days it seems to happen a little bit more often. Who got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant? A church guy. Who got Bristol Palin pregnant? A church guy. And who does Miley Cyrus appear to be going out with? That’s right, a church guy. That poor girl’s a timebomb.

Lately 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her 20-year-old underwear model chum Justin Gaston have been inseparable. You can’t say that Justin Gaston is Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend because he’s five years older than her, she’s a child and it’s icky. But you can point out that they never stop hanging out, that they have a shared fondness for being photographed in their pants and that Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus has already publicly given his approval to Justin.

So, you know, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston are more or less boyfriend or girlfriend, but it’s all unconfirmed. It has, however, been heavily alluded to by Miley Cyrus herself during an interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, as E! Online reports:

“Everyone started judging us as soon as we started hanging out…  I’ve learned just not to judge anyone and go into our friendship with an open mind and not really worry about the age or anything. He’s a really great Christian guy, which is awesome.” But did she admit they’re actually dating when she was grilled by Ryan? “Maybe, maybe not,” the Hannah Montana star giggled.

And, yes, so what, Miley’s endorsement of Justin Gaston as a great Christian guy might have come at the exact same time that several photos of Justin Gaston larking around inappropriately in his underwear hit the internet. That doesn’t mean anything.

After all, innocently exploring your sexuality in photo-form is just a perfectly natural part of growing up. And so is using your relative maturity to trick teenage millionaires into falling in love with you, then getting them pregnant, marrying them, divorcing them and taking half of their money. But that’s something that we’ll probably get to in the next couple of months.

In fact, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has got quite the wishlist when it comes to her boyfriends. Firstly you can’t be intimidated by Miley Cyrus’ fame and wealth. Secondly you have to be as gormlessly God-fearing as she is. And thirdly, if you’re so much older than her that it’s a little bit creepy and you use your body as a sexual object for a living, then that’s great too.

So, with that in mind, say hello to Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend – he’s Justin Gaston, he’s 20 years old and he’s an underwear model. If this hasn’t ended in tears by this time next year, then we’re afraid we’ll have to go away and question everything we thought we knew about the universe.

There was always one girl at school with a boyfriend who was much older than her, wasn’t there. And he was always a bit creepy looking, covered from head to toe in coldsores, had a logic-defying speech impediment, smelt like dirty petrol and was basically an episode of Jeremy Kyle in the making.

Now, we’re obviously not comparing Miley Cyrus to the girl from school just because she’s got an older boyfriend. That would be ridiculous. Miley Cyrus doesn’t even go to school.

But apart from that, who knows. You see, Miley Cyrus has found love with a chap called Justin Gaston. And it seems like they’re still at that adorable stage where they’re just finding out their differences. For instance, Justin Gaston is old enough to vote and Miley Cyrus isn’t even old enough to drive, Justin Gaston has brown hair and Miley Cyrus’ hair is closer to auburn, Justin Gaston is an adult and Miley Cyrus is a child. You know, stuff like that. It’s romantic.

But despite all these many, many superficial differences, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston do share a couple of very important things in common. Firstly, their love of music is profound and almost spiritual and if flows throw them like the essence of life itself. And secondly, they both love jigging around in their pants for photographers.

Miley Cyrus you know about – she’s worn an inappropriately small amount of clothes on the cover of a glossy magazine and more internet photos than you can shake a stick at. But Justin Gaston does it just as much, too – he’s an underwear model, you know.

How has Billy Ray Cyrus responded to the news that his 15-year-old little girl has started seeing a 20-year-old who never wears any trousers? Simple – he’s dragged everyone down to church, as People reports:

On Sunday, Justin Gaston, a model and aspiring country singer, attended church in Pasadena, Calif., with the Hannah Montana star and her family. According to Cyrus’s rep, Gaston, 20, is “a friend from Nashville… He’s visiting L.A. for the week.” A source close to Miley says, “They’ve been spending a lot of time together while he’s in town.”

Of course church is the best place to take Miley and Justin. Everybody knows that taking your little girl’s older boyfriend to church is the best way to keep everyone on the straight and narrow. Unless your daughter is Jamie Lynn Spears or Bristol Palin, that is, but let’s ignore them.

We will say one thing to Justin Gaston, though – don’t you dare go round playing with little Miley Cyrus’ heart. Not because we’re worried that you’ll upset her, you see. It’s just, if you do, she’s easily rich enough to have you killed.

And although our love for you wasn’t nurtured from a lifetime of you cutting the disgusting corners off our peanut butter sandwiches, it is love just the same. We love you deep, and we love you real.

It is this love that has us worried about you most nights. You see, our greatest fear is one wherein you all won’t be able to retire come age 35. That would be a real shame. You need to plan ahead – you need to invest.

You know – invest. Like in stocks and bonds and what not. Also you could invest in a pair of Michael Jackson’s underpants. Those are currently worth $1,000,000 a piece, and the value is expected to rise exponentially. You’d better act fast though – there’s only one of them up for sale.

It all happens on eBay today, apparently.

What could be better than owning a real piece of Michael Jackson? Nothing we think. Just ask Latoya – she’s been using his testicles as a beautiful pair of pearl-ish earrings since the mid seventies.

We have no evidence to prove that.

In other Michael Jackson testicle-related news, however, the police confiscated a pair of his drawers years ago to get DNA samples for their kiddie-case against him. Whether said DNA was obtained from the front or the back of the skivvies has not been publicly disclosed – yet. You’ll soon be able to know this for yourself because the garment has never been washed, and it’s apparently been sweating in an air-tight plastic bag for almost six years now or something. Imagine the aroma.

You now have the rare opportunity to buy that pair of underwear and smell them for yourself. They should be getting posted on eBay today – bidding starts at an American million. All proceeds will got either to charity or a bank somewhere.

Here’s what the New York Post knows:

“Michael Jackson’s notorious tighty whities are up for grabs. A pair of size-28 Calvin Klein white briefs once belonging to Wacko Jacko will be auctioned on eBay tomorrow, with a reserve price of $1 million. The unwashed underpants have a sensational past. They were part of the evidence confiscated in 2003 by then-Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon, who wanted a DNA sample for his unsuccessful child-molestation case against the washed-up King of Pop.”

Now keep in mind that once these underpants are yours – they are yours forever to share with friends and family as you see fit. Just imagine your grandkids one day sniffing them in a cabin during a weekend family retreat! And if you act now you’ll get all remaining unsold copies of his Invincible album, which is actually a pretty good deal because each of them is selling for at least $3 brand new right now. Also – they’ll throw in a salad shooter!

The auction will have other Jackson memorabilia up for grabs too – like a partial tube of skin bleach he used to make himself white or something, and a letter he once wrote to Lisa Marie Presley, whom he married out of attraction.

Also for sale is Jackson’s unused pair of eyeglasses.

That's why we're not going to judge Larry Birkhead, even though he's just decided that the best way for Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn to remember her mother is to spend $2,800 on bits of her sexy lingerie at a charity auction.

Of course, Larry Birkhead isn't going to just give Anna Nicole Smith's underwear to Dannielynn right away – he wants to wait until she grows up first. Because if he gives it to her now she'll be far too young to develop any decent long-lasting psychological scars, and where's the fun in that? No, that's why Larry Birkhead is keeping Anna Nicole Smith's lingerie in a safe place for the time being – on his face while he sleeps. Or he isn't. Don't quote us.

Anna Nicole Smith may have died 16 months ago, but she'll always be with us – just so long as those who knew her keep doing all kinds of mental crap that freaks the living cocks out of us on a regular basis.

Which, to be fair, they are. If they're not squabbling over who got Anna Nicole Smith pregnant, they're allegedly having gay sex with everyone or trademarking creepy little phrases that they said to her while she slept or trying to sell videos of Anna Nicole Smith's breast enlargement operations. So thank you, everyone – you're making sure that we never forget what a scary, clownfaced, barely-coherent, drug-bloated star of light erotica Anna Nicole Smith really was.

But what if none of that actually creeped you out all that much? What if you've always wanted to feel your skin crawl when thinking about Anna Nicole Smith, but you've never managed it? Don't worry – Larry Birkhead feels your pain. That's why he's bought a lot of Anna Nicole Smith's sexy underwear at auction and plans to let her daughter Dannielynn play with it.

There you go – your skin's crawling away like a good'un now, isn't it. Feel free to even let out a disturbed yelp or two as well if it helps. E! Online has more:

Baby daddy Larry Birkhead is looking forward to showing 1-year-old Dannielynn the lingerie he purchased at a celebrity auction on Saturday night, a pink bustier (bought for $1,800) and white negligee (bought for $1,000) once worn by the late model for a Playboy photo shoot. Smith's onetime boyfriend said he wants to make sure the young heiress has something to remember her mom by.

Actually, that makes quite a lot of sense – aside from a crateful of empty prescription medication bottles, perhaps sexy underwear really is the best way for Dannielynn to remember Anna Nicole Smith.

One day, when the baby has reached an appropriate age, Larry Birkhead can sit her down on her knee, show her the lingerie and explain that the shiny clothes are what mommy used to wear to hide her crippling emotional dependency on others. It will be a touching moment, although a quick blast of that video where Anna Nicole Smith has it off with a maid in the bath would have probably achieved the same result and saved Larry a few thousand dollars.

So don’t act all surprised now that a set of photos of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus yanking down her top to show off her bra and rolling around on a boy’s lap in just her underwear have emerged. And don’t act all alarmed either – although admittedly it’s not perfect role model behaviour, Miley Cyrus is a normal teenage girl, and this is what all normal teenage girls do.

Wait, no, actually that’s wrong – what we meant to say there was that this is what all normal teenage girls do in the minds of creepy old yellow-toothed men who hang around school gates at playtime and faintly smell of stale semen. But that’s close enough. Congratulations Miley Cyrus! You’re living the dream!

We all know how important it is to fit in with your peers. That’s why people play golf – nobody actually likes golf, they just start playing it because someone they work with plays it. It’s a self-perpetuating spiral of misery, golf.

Anyway, fitting in with your peers is even harder when you’re a tween sensation, because it means you have to debase yourself on a regular basis. As soon as, say, Vanessa Hudgens gets her tits and minge out in a photo, then Jamie Lynn Spears has to have underage sex until she’s pregnant just to keep up. It’s like the golf thing, but more appealing to paedophiles.

However, on tween star had managed to rise above the depravity – Miley Cyrus. Daughter of Achy Breaky Heart singer Billy Ray Cyrus and the star of TV shows, sold out tours, a number one movie and more opportunistic merchandise that you could scuttle an oil tanker with, the most trouble that Miley Cyrus had ever been in is when she didn’t wear a seatbelt once. But that’s all changed now.

Now Miley Cyrus’ butter-wouldn’t-melt reputation has been hit by some photos released onto the internet showing Miley Cyrus in just her underwear. That’s right, Miley Cyrus in her underwear. She’s 15. You should be ashamed of yourself. MTV has more:

On Monday (April 21), a set of shots depicting the squeaky-clean 15-year old Cyrus made the rounds online, showing the singer wearing just a bra and underwear while draped across the lap of an unnamed male, and another in which she’s pulling down her shirt to reveal a green bra. It’s actually the second batch of eyebrow-raising shots of Cyrus to hit the Net over the past six months, following on the heels of much tamer pictures of the singer and a female friend nearly kissing as they shared a piece of licorice; some others that popped up on her MySpace page in which she posed suggestively in a bikini and her underwear.

Really, what was Miley Cyrus thinking? She knows that she’s a role model to millions of young teenage girls, and once they all see that Miley Cyrus has effectively given them the go-ahead to strip down to their underwear and roll around on strange men’s laps, then where will we be? Mainland Europe, that’s where.

However, some are saying that these racy Miley Cyrus photos are an indication of Miley’s move from tween star to mainstream celebrity. Soon enough Miley will ditch Hannah Montana and move onto something a bit more suitable, although at the moment that looks like it’ll be a starring role in I Know Who Killed Me 2: It Was My Own Bare Vagina That Killed Me, And Also My Tits.

Fingers crossed, though, that this spate of tween flagitiousness will come to an end now that everyone from Vanessa Hudgens to Miley Cyrus has seen rude pictures of themselves published on the internet.

At least until that video of Dora The Explorer getting gangbanged by those animal friends of hers leaks out, anyway.

Read more:

New Miley Cyrus Photos — Showing Singer In Her Underwear — Hit The Net – MTV

Fancy lingerie firm Agent Provocateur has decided to ditch Lily Allen as the face of its company, it's been reported.

Although Lily Allen is said to be 'gutted' about being dropped, the news does now mean that the only times you'll ever see Lily Allen in her bra are if you stalk her with a video camera or if she's about to have sex with you. Either way, we have the number of a very good doctor we'd like you to have. 

It's no secret that Lily Allen has three nipples, each more beautiful than the last. We're joking of course – having three nipples is disgusting and wrong and we don't know how Lily Allen can even show her face in public without fear of being ducked as a witch. 

So when lingerie company Agent Provocateur named Lily Allen as its new face in November, it was really an act of charity. "Here you are Lily," we imagine a company director telling her, "we want you to cover up your three hideous nipples with these bras. And we'll pay you, too. Anything to get you to conceal those festering abominations of nature."

And for a while it worked – Lily Allen and her new skinny figure trotted around in a range of posh bras and all was right with the world. But not now, because Agent Provocateur has decided to drop Lily Allen as its face already. MTV reports:

Lily Allen has been dropped as the face of posh underwear firm Agent Provocateur, according to reports. The Sun says the warring owners of the company have decided not to use the Smile singer in ads after disagreeing on the choice. Allen is reportedly ‘gutted’ at the move after getting into svelte shape for her new job. AP said the photos may still be used in some way but she will not be the firm’s new FACE.

Still, at least Lily Allen has some career choices left open to her. There's her new TV show Lily Allen And Some People That Are Clearly More Intelligent Than Her, where Lily interviews people in a strange series of mumbles and then cackles at whatever they say to give the impression that she knows what's going on. And, with viewing figures the way they are, that's bound to keep Lily Allen in employment for at least another fortnight. 

Our point is that it's not the end of the world to be dropped from an underwear campaign because there are plenty more fish in the sea. The three-nippled bra campaign might not have worked out, but just wait until a knicker manufacturer realises that Lily's also got 24 vaginas studded up and down the inside of her legs. They'll shit a brick.

Read more:

Lily Dropped By Underwear Firm - MTV 

So what's the other option? How about a three-foot-tall chav who looks a little bit like an Ewok? Of course – it couldn't be any more obvious, which is why Lily Allen has signed up to be the new face of lingerie company Agent Provocateur. While Lily Allen might be an unconventional choice to model underwear, we're sure that her Agent Provocateur campaign will go down a storm with real women who don't like to be patronised. And the blind. We hear the blind are going to be an especially key winter Agent Provocateur demographic.

Just what is it with the Allen family? We don't think we've ever seen a group of relatives so dementedly hell-bent on stripping off for our entertainment. Watch Shallow Grave, see Keith Allen's penis. Go and see the touring version of Equus, see Alfie Allen's penis. And now, open any glossy women's magazine and see the outline of Lily Allen's penis tucked between her legs in a nice pair of frilly undercrackers or something.

Because, ladies, it might just be time to go braless. It's a safer option than buying new underwear at the moment, that's for sure. If you go into Victoria's Secret you'll be thumped over the head with the hits of the Spice Girls and now it's been announced that if you go into Agent Provocateur you'll have more pictures of Lily Allen moping about in a bra than you'd ever fear was possible. Because Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur.

And Lily has some big shoes to fill, because previous title-holders have included Kate Moss – the world-famous supermodel whose Agent Provocateur video broke the internet – and Maggie Gyllenhaal, star of that film that made everyone secretly think that bondage was worth a try. And now it's Lily Allen, who recently dressed up in a Habitat bag for a night out, started a fight with none-more-chav Lady Sovereign and got banned from an entire continent because she's so violent. But still, at least an Agent Provocateur insider seems happy enough about it:

"They feel her natural, voluptuous curves will appeal to a lot of women."

But why Lily Allen of all people? Let's continue the Agent Provocateur quote:

"She in amazing shape – down from a size 14 to an eight – and the pictures of her are sensational."

Ah, it's because she's not as dumpy as she used to be. Good for Lily Allen – as a role model for thousands of young girls, it's important that she teaches them that nobody will ever like them unless they shed almost half their bodyweight in a unnaturally short amount of time, prompting public concerns for their health. Only then will people want to see them in their bra.

But maybe that's not the real reason why Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur – maybe it's just shrewd business sense at work. After all, however much the company paid Lily Allen for the underwear shoot, it'll be getting three nipples for the price of two, and who could reject stunning value like that?