In Hollywood, it seems that only marriage to a member of the opposite sex will stop people from assuming you’re gay, despite the fact it seems that your member has been in-and-out of a staggering amount of eligible beautiful women. We are, of course, talking about George Clooney, as the headline already told you.

Of course, there’s those of you who will be thinking “Ah! The gay doth protest too much!”, which won’t be helped by the fact that one of Clooney’s mates has pop his head ’round the door and said ‘He’s definitely not gay y’know?’

We didn’t bloody ask if he was! Now you’ve gone and made him look all gay! And now you’ve made us look like his gayditude is something of an issue! PISS OFF.

See, everyone started thumbing at George and saying he was gay because he’s basically too handsome and too unwilling to settle down and have a family with one of the world’s women.

And one of Clooney’s chums is here to say that it’s perfectly normal to not want marriage… because it is. This article is stating the obvious.

Manuele Malenotti, who has a delightfully camp name, introduced Clooney to model Elisabetta Canalis a couple of years ago. Alas, they’ve split up because George is either gay or he doesn’t want to settle down. Or both. We don’t know anymore. Why don’t you leave us alone?

Speaking to some stupid glossy magazine, Manuele says that Canalis isn’t a professional beard (look it up) and that George is 100% getting erections for members of the opposite sex.

I have known George for ten years. Of all the actors I know in Hollywood he is the one I see the most and we have done lots of charity work together. I know about their relationship because I was the one who got them together. George wanted to meet Elisabetta and he asked me to make the introductions.

I did as he asked but inside I always knew that it wouldn’t last – to be honest I was expecting it. You will have to ask them for all the specific reasons.

Really gay specific you mean?

All I can say is that George, when it comes to love, has decided that he is not going to get married again and he is not going to have any children and he won’t change his mind…  big stars like George need people by their side to help them and they are always under immense pressure. For a partner it’s never easy because everybody has their own requirements.

Like having sex with members of their own gender? He’s something of a ‘Dapper Dan Man’. Does that even make sense as a slur?

To suggest it was a publicity stunt is a lie. I introduced them, I saw them together and I can say that their love story was very intense. In two years they shared numerous moments. I can also tell you that I have known George for ten years, I have spent a lot of time with him and a lot of women have passed through his life. You never know in life, and men are having an identity crisis but I can tell you George is not gay.

WE DON’T ACTUALLY CARE. PLEASE STOP.

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For some reason, people are under the impression that George Clooney is going to run for office. If he did, he couldn’t be a Democrat because he’s too laid back, even for them. He certainly couldn’t be a Republican because he doesn’t seem mentally challenged in some way.

Clooney would have to start a new party to liven up American politics – The Irritatingly Suave Party.

Their manifesto would involve teaching youngsters how to raise their eyebrows in a suggestive manner, the ability to make inanimate objects have orgasms and of course, the ability to drink bong water. What? Well, ask Clooney yourself.

While Clooney has absolutely no intention of becoming a politician (why would he? He can be a kinky git and do as many drugs as he liked without fear of being dubbed immoral by voters as it is), he did talk about a theoretical political career.

Clooney says:

“I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know.”

“I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that’s the truth.”

The problem here is not that he likes to have sex with women and do drugs… rather, the key part of the sentence which makes him not ideal for modern politics in the last word he uttered – ‘truth’.

There’s clearly no place in the world for a disarmingly honest member of government. People even rolled their eyes when Obama said words to the effect of ‘course I inhaled! That was the whole point y’stupid idiots!‘

See, all this questioning has come about because Clooney is starring in a new movie where he plays a flawed presidential candidate in The Ides of March.

He’s directing the movie AND co-wrote it, which is all rather clever isn’t it? We’re surprised that he found the time to do it what with every woman in the world constantly trying to get in his undercrackers.

As a campaigner, he believes…

“would start from the beginning by saying, ‘I did it all. I drank the bong water. Now let’s talk about issues.’ That’s gonna be my campaign slogan: ‘I drank the bong water.’”

That’s almost as catchy as ‘Yes We Can’.

If hecklerspray tried to become politicians, our campaign slogan would be “We Put The Orange In Our Mouth And Sucked The Heroin From The Cotton Wool While Trying To Maintain An Erection”.

We might actually give this a go. Would you vote for us?

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Malaria never really took off as the celebrity illness du jour. Cheryl Cole had it for a while and got the tiniest violin in the world out to moan about facing death square in the face – much like Bill and Ted did in that movie. However, George Clooney’s had a dose of it and he probably tried to seduce it with that handsome square head of his.

That’s right kiddiekins – George Clooney has revealed that he contracted malaria but has now completely recovered from it, and not once did any stories appear with him giving us the doe-eyes and acting all frail.

Clooney caught the disease while he was in Sudan doing some stupid charity work with the UN and Google. Apparently, Clooney and his handsomeness were trying to prevent a new civil war. Sorry champ, you’re not that good-looking.

George’s rep says:

“George is completely over the Malaria he contracted while in the Sudan during the first week in January. This was his second bout with it. This illustrates how with proper medication, the most lethal condition in Africa, can be reduced to a bad ten days instead of a death sentence.”

Yeah. Whatever. Who gives two poops about what some faceless representative has to say? WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU! OKAY? YOU CAN GO AND DIE OF MALARIA FOR ALL WE CARE!

We want to know what the ravishingly good looking George Clooney has to say. Did he beat it by raising an eyebrow and saying something kinda funny?

He says:

“Well you know, even with malaria it’s just good fun. I’ve had it twice, I guess the mosquito in Juba looked at me and thought I was the bar.”

Aww! Isn’t he just adorable? He even managed to seduce a disease riddled fly! TWICE! How many Hollywood actors can say that?

Sadly, you desperate, hormonal ladies will not be able to offer your services as bedside nurse because he’s all fit and well again. You’ll just have to put away your PVC nurse costume and rectal thermometer and save it for a rainy day.

Apparently, the pudding faced simpleton, Piers Morgan (who was interviewing Clooney) said that he’d had a few offers from people thinking that they might be more use to an ailing Clooney than, say, AN ACTUAL DOCTOR WITH A DEGREE IN MEDICINE.

Morgan said:

“Clooney malaria update: now have 24,563 offers to nurse him. But his rep says medication worked and he’s OK. Sorry, ladies. If the nursing offer still stands though, I’m beginning to feel a bit hot under the collar myself.”

Jesus Christ. Anyone game for taking that offer on? Essentially, is anyone willing to swap the notion of a charming, smooth rascal like George Clooney for the chance to dab Piers Morgan’s bedsores through the night?

Anyone? No?

Good. You’ve clearly got at least one functioning eye then.

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This must be Amy Winehouse's lucky year – not only has she won five Grammy awards but she's also single-handedly caused the destruction of an entire continent.

And that's not just us saying that – the UN says so too, so it must be true.

According to a UN bigwig, every time Amy Winehouse glamorises drug-taking, it helps to fuel the African cocaine trade and recklessly creates corrupt 'narco-states'. And worse still, Amy Winehouse is becoming a cultural icon in Africa, and those poor people have got problems enough as it is without feeling the need to stagger round their villages in just their bra shouting "My Blakey!" all the time as well.

You have to feel for Amy Winehouse at the moment – Karma seems to be auditing her quite strictly at the moment. Whenever something good happens to Amy Winehouse – like when she won all those Grammys – Karma swiftly redressed the balance so that, in her next public performance at the Brits, Amy could hardly stand up and generally looked like she was spazzed off her munch on a bucket of giraffe tranquilliser. 

And now, right after Amy Winehouse was cleared of perverting the course of justice, Karma jumped in again to whip the good news away and make sure she gets scolded for ravaging the entire continent of Africa all by her lonesome. The boss of the UN's Office on Drugs and Crime, Antonio Maria Costa, has blamed Amy Winehouse for the African cocaine trade, you see. All of it. The Daily Mail reports:

Singling out the singer Amy Winehouse, whom he called the "poster girl for drug abuse", and supermodel Kate Moss, whose career flourished after she was publicly exposed as a cocaine user, Mr Costa said: "One song, one picture, one quote that makes cocaine look cool can undo millions of pounds worth of anti-drug education and prevention. "Coke-snorting fashionistas are not only damaging their brains – they are contributing to state failure on the other side of the world. Amy Winehouse might adopt a defiant pose and slur her way through (the song) Rehab but does she realise the message she sends to others who are vulnerable to addiction and who cannot afford expensive treatment?"

You have to feel a little bit sorry for Amy Winehouse here, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it's unfair to single out Amy Winehouse alone for an entire industry with various distinct production stages because – although a furiously annoying goon – she's just one girl with a few problems who's been singled out by the UN because its realised that an anti-drug message will be heard more if it finds a high-profile celebrity with some amount of notoriety to use as a scapegoat.

Secondly, Amy Winehouse isn't even fuelling the African cocaine industry anyway. She's fuelling the African crack industry. Durr-brains.

Read more:

UN drugs boss slams 'coke-snorting fashionistas' like Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty – Daily Mail 

You have to feel sorry for the UN, always failing to get everyone to live together in peace – but George Clooney's here to fix that.

George Clooney has just been named as the UN's latest 'messenger of peace', where he's pledged in particular to use his fame to highlight the humanitarian snafu in Darfur. But why George Clooney?

It's obvious – George Clooney will be a good UN messenger of peace because he was once in a film called The Peacemaker, something that stands him in good stead to also become a UN messenger for slick Las Vegas heists and a UN messenger for rubber-nippled superheroes.

Although he's such a consummate moviestar that he'll even fall off a motorbike to draw attention to his films – and such a consummate salesman that the only products he hasn't appeared in adverts for are sanitary towels, weaponised nerve gas and Cillit BANG! – George Clooney is also a bloody brilliant humanitarian.

You see, it's not just enough for George Clooney to make a high-minded, barely-watched political thriller and just assume that it'll change the world. George Clooney also like to roll up his sleeves and and get his hands dirty, too. In the past George Clooney has spoken out about the war in Iraq, spoken out about corrupt lobbyists in the form of awful masturbation jokes, and spoken out about the atrocities committed when people try to take pictures of him too often. 

But mainly there's Darfur. George Clooney has been a long-time opponent of the widespread humanitarian crisis in Darfur, writing letters to politicians, making films and becoming involved with charitable organisations to try and force a change in the region.

And now George Clooney has been enrolled as a UN messenger of peace, so you can pretty much guarantee that that's all he'll ever talk about from now on. Reuters reports:

Academy Award winning U.S. actor George Clooney became a U.N. messenger of peace on Thursday, pledging to use his fame to "shine a light" on peacekeeping efforts, particularly in Sudan's Darfur… Clooney delivered the message to a news conference. "Millions are homeless, not from famine or disease or acts of God, but from a well armed militia intent on ridding the land of its people… It seems as if at times celebrity can bring that focus. It can't make the policies, it can't change people's minds really, but you can bring a camera where you go because they'll follow you and you can shine a light on it. That seems to be my job." 

Plus you get the best seats in restaurants and people send you free clothes and women want to have sex with you if you're a celebrity. But mainly the Darfur thing.

Of course, George Clooney isn't the first famous face to become a UN envoy. Geri Halliwell has also been there – you'll remember that she single-handedly stopped the spread of HIV in Africa by hosting screenings of her It's Raining Men video to put people off ever having sex again – and also Angelina Jolie is heavily involved in the UN.

In fact, wait. UN involvement? Weird closeness to Brad Pitt? Why, it's been so obvious – George Clooney wants to be Angelina Jolie. What next? Will George Clooney black his face up for his next role? Will he start adopting babies like he's on a trolley-dash? Will he make Jennifer Aniston cry?

Fingers crossed for all three. 

Read more:

George Clooney aims to shine celebrity light on UN – Reuters