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Uma Thurman

Uma Thurman’s Stalker Really Creepy, Just Not Illegally So

by Stuart Heritage

Jack Jordan, you’ve let us down. All that time you were stalking Uma Thurman in a number of imaginatively creepy ways, we thought you were being illegal.

And now your lawyer is saying that you weren’t being illegal in an effort to keep you out of jail? That is very disappointing, Jack Jordan. Very disappointing indeed.

But on the plus side, if jack Jordan is acquitted of his Uma Thurman stalking charges, it basically means that we’re all legally free to send the object of our obsession terrifying hand-drawn pictures of ourselves walking along arazorblade while they eeirly dig our graves. Good lord, Martine McCutcheon had better hope that Jack Jordan is found guilty.

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Uma Thurman’s Stalker Rejects The Loony Bin

by Stuart Heritage

You might classify drawing a picture of yourself walking along a razorblade while Uma Thurman digs your grave, or threatening to kill yourself if you ever see see Uma Thurman with another man as ‘quite mental’.

But Jack Jordan certainly wouldn’t, no sirree. And that’s a shame, because he’s the man who was arrested and stands accused of recently doing both of those things to Uma Thurman. But there’s a lifeline – prosecutors have offered Jack Jordan a plea deal that would mean he’d get a reduced sentence if he admits guilt to the charges of stalking and attempted coercion. The only problem there is that Jack Jordan would be spending the reduced sentence locked up in a mental institution. And since he claims he isn’t mental, Jack Jordan has decided to reject it. But, come on, liking Uma Thurman? And he claims he isn’t crazy?

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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Uma Thurman

by C J Davies

Another Monday, eh? And what are you going to do with it?

Are you going to treat it as a fresh start, inject a spring to your step and take on the world with new and vigoured confidence? Or are you going to waste time arsing around on the internet in order to avoid paying attention to a job you hate, before going home and drinking three bottles of cornershop red wine and getting stoned while watching Buffy DVDs? Is that what you’re going to do? Is it?

Sure it is. But don’t worry – it does allow you the chance to play hecklerspray’s Celebrity Haiku Competition.

This week our subject is movie-star-type Uma Thurman. First, though, let’s have a wee gander at last week’s winner…

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