Uma Thurman is smokin’ hot isn’t she? Wait! No she isn’t! Yes she is! Oh, we wish her face would make our minds up! In fact, we wish Uma Thurman’s face would make it’s mind up. For now, we’re going with ‘hot’.

Anyway, let us not objectify wimminfolk too much. We like Uma for her acting ability right? Even when she’s in absolute crud, she’s still kinda great!

However, she’s at her best when she’s working with Quentin Tarantino and the rumour mill kicks off again as the actress starts dropping hints about a western.

While Uma has being doing the rounds for a flick called Ceremony, she started dropping clues about the new Tarantino movie.

“I think he has a script ready to start of a new film, a ‘Southern’, I think it’s really exciting. It’s another new story and a fresh piece of material that he is channelling at the moment. So I think Kill Bill lives down the road.”

So ‘Southern’ could mean a Raising Arizon hickflick or a Spaghetti Western, right?

It looks more likely to be the latter as Tarantino has already spoken about his new film after finishing the first draft of the script.

He said that he’d like to make a movie about:

“America’s horrible past with slavery and stuff but do them like spaghetti westerns”.

So there you have it. Deadwood muthafuckers.

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One of these days, Kristen Stewart will pull a convincing smile. One of these days, Robert Pattinson will pull a convincing face. Seriously, he’s *that close* to showing a sign of expression. We all keenly await it like people staring at someone due out of a coma.

Well, the pair of them may have privately nearly pulled expressions as it seems they have gone through that most painful of experiences – which we’re poking fun at because we’re heartless fools – a break-up.

That’s right masturbating fantasists! You can now imagine marrying one of these people in some shivering, glittery fleshed union as they are now on the market after Kristen Stewart totally dumped Robert Pattinson’s arse on the kerb.

It is reported that this crushingly dull couple spend most of their time apart and have become intensely bored of each other. After working with each other in numerous films and living together, it seems familiarity has ushered in contempt for each other.

Sadly, not the kind of contempt Charlie Sheen shows for furniture, but rather, the kind of contempt that sees them both stood motionlessly in rooms, just glaring at each other. Kristen probably walked out on Pattinson who didn’t realise he was now living alone for a good fortnight, so little was the difference.

Likewise, Kristen Stewart has spent the best part of the week trying to remember who it was she dumped.

So non-eventful was their relationship, the pair will no doubt be able to continue as friends and co-workers because, even when pressed, they really won’t even remember seeing each other naked or sharing a slowly chewed meal together.

So there you have it. The most sought after adult is on the market again, aimlessly wandering around the world with barely an expression on his face, waving idly at anything that screams at him.

Just as God intended, obviously.

Pattinson stars in something or other due out some time in the future or whatever it was we reported on a while ago.

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Fans of Robert Pattinson need no encouragement when it comes to sighing wistfully about ol’ mono-chops. They certainly don’t need anyone to provoke them into furious bouts of masturbation either. So the news that Pattinson is a good kisser will invariably see tweens all over the world sticking their hands down their knicker-fronts faster than a rat down a drainpipe.

And who says he’s a good kisser? Someone who decided to plant their lips on him just to stave off the agonising boredom of having to try and strike up a conversation with him?

No silly! It’s ‘Bel Ami’ co-star Christina Ricci who loads of people fancy!

Talking to no-mark TV chef talkshow (Oh America! You are a silly country! A talkshow chef? What next? A makeover show presented by the drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket?) called Rachael Ray, Ricci said:

“He’s a good kisser. He’s a lovely human being also.”

Aw! Perhaps we’ve been too harsh in assuming that Pattinson is boring like an awkward teenager who can’t process emotions properly yet.

But wait! Ricci isn’t done yet…

“He reminded me of my best friend’s little brothers growing up.”

The awkward, staring type of little brother who you could easily mistake for a hat-stand, leaving him in the corner covered in coats and wondering where he got to, ’til you hear a meek clearing of the throat from beneath the jackets.

In this new film, there’s a whole host of women who were clearly bored to the point of Prozac when dealing with Patz, that they felt obliged to kiss him just to see if he was still breathing.

As well as Ricci’s character, Pattinson puts the lips on Uma Thurman and Kristin Scott Thomas. Feel free to add these names to your jealousy-list of ‘Bitches I Hope Die And Rot In Hell’.

Still, worry not screaming fans. This new film sees our Rob getting nudey nude.

He says, in a monotone voice that sounds like a slow moving lorry pulling out of a service station:

“I think there’s a lot of my crack in it. I think there’s quite a bit of nudity. It was such a strange story. I think it will turn out to be very interesting, but I have no idea about any of it yet.”

Interesting? There’s a word you don’t associate with Robert Pattinson. We can only hope that his bum crack has an ounce of charisma.

And no, that’s not a euphemism for ‘tagnut’.

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Uma Thurman is a strange creature isn’t she? Sometimes, she’s one of the most beautiful women you’ll ever see, yet, somehow, only seconds away from looking like a very ugly man. Still, she’s made a bunch of fun films so we shouldn’t grumble really.

She’ll be less grumbly today too. Why? Well, thanks to her being a famous human, she’s been awarded a stalker, which must be both gratifying and a royal pain in the arse.

However, Thurman’s stalker just got arrested, meaning that she can go about her business without fear of someone nailing a cat to her front door and phoning her up every 3 seconds and shouting “I’m playing with myself! I’ve got a noose ’round my neck! I really liked you in ‘Even Cowgirls Get The Blues’!”

So who is this stalker? We need to know his name, right?

Well, he’s called Jack Jordan. In fairness to ol’ Jacky boy, his name sounds like a ’70s footballer or someone who once wrote a song for Gordon Lightfoot or something. It’s a pleasingly unglamorous name. Obviously, being a massive loser, he’s grabbed his glamour vicariously via a famous person, leaving him to dream of having sex with them while drinking cocktails more colourful than his dreams.

If you didn’t know, Jack has already been convicted of stalking Uma in 2008. He displayed how to NOT capture a woman’s heart with impressive efficiency.

Basically, Jordan kept threatening to kill himself if Uma ever dated another man. Way to go Jack!

Of course, after all this gubbins, the police had to keep an eye on him. Sadly, for Jack, they managed to catch him ringing Uma’s mobile phone and office which violated a restraining order.

And so, the Montgomery County Police Department in Maryland paid him a visit at his home and arrested him.

Sadly for ol’ Jack, he couldn’t exactly claim his innocence. The police who arrived at his house claim that Jordan was literally googling Uma’s name when they arrived to the home.

The daft twat.

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Uma Thurman has split up with her fiance Arpad Busson. Chances are you’re wondering who to feel most sorry for.

Should it be Uma Thurman? After all, this split means that she now has two failed marriages and one failed engagement behind her, which can’t be pleasant. Or should it be Arpad Busson, on the basis that he’s let another beautiful celebrity slip through his fingers?

No. You should feel more sorry for us. After all, now that she doesn’t have a multimillionaire hotelier to lean on, Uma Thurman is going to have to fend for herself financially. And you know what that means? My Super Ex-Girlfriend 2, that’s what it means. We’ve got the bum deal here.

You know what Uma Thurman’s problem is? She’s picky. It doesn’t matter if you’re Gary Oldman or Ethan Hawke – at some point, Uma Thurman is going to fall out of love with you Yoy can’t even win her over with crudely-rendered cartoons of yourself walking along the edge of a razor blade, while she – wearing a wedding dress – digs your grave and says “Tee hee.” Which is weird, because we always assumed that one was a banker.

And now Uma Thurman can add another notch to her list of romantic failures – it has been announced that she is no longer engaged to millionaire hotelier Arpad Busson. You might remember that Uma and Arpad got engaged last summer – he off the back of a failed engagement to Elle McPherson, she off the back of a lunatic stalker who kept sending her pictures of decapitated brides – and everything seem to be going wonderfully. So what went wrong? SMH reports:

A source said: “The engagement ended awhile back – almost two months ago.” The couple had a small argument which led to the American actress suggesting the engagement should be broken off, without really meaning it. Uma then walked out “in a huff” but the spat caused the businessman to rethink their future together and he called time on their relationship.

This is bound to be an upsetting time for her, but Uma Thurman has been through enough romantic disentanglements to know that the best coping strategy is to get straight back on the horse. Which might explain rumours that she’s currently dating her new co-star Robert Pattinson.

The rumours are all ridiculous, of course – not because of the 16-year age difference, or because Uma Thurman and Robert Pattinson have yet to speak or be in the same room together, but because Robert Pattinson stinks like a pair of shitty knickers that have been sewn up, filled with tripe and stuck behind a radiator in a natural gas refinery. Any fool can see that.

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Well how about that – the way to Uma Thurman's heart doesn't involve drawing pictures of her digging your grave and tittering after all.

We'll be blown. Apparently if you want Uma Thurman to fall in love with you you should probably be a multimillionaire businessman who doesn't live in a car parked freakishly close to Uma Thurman's house. That's the tactic used by Arpad "Arki" Busson, anyway, and it's seemed to work for him.

That's because Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson have just announced their engagement. The news will come as a bitter to Uma Thurman's convicted stalker Jack Jordan, although it's not all bad news – he apparently hopes it'll be a long engagement so that he can turn up to the wedding with his special handmade confetti made from tiny little cutouts of disturbing headless brides.

Uma Thurman, eh? All she ever does is complain complain complain. One minute she's moaning that no men ever ask her out , and then when one man wants to go out with her so badly that he terrorises her entire family with suicide threats she complains about that too! When will Uma Thurman learn that men only have two romantic settings – chronically disinterested and watch-you-in-your-sleep obsessed?

At least, based on personal experience they're our only two settings, but Uma Thurman seems to have stumbled across a rare man who's reached an unsteady compromise – he loves her, but not enough to send her terrifying cards with the words 'mouth' and 'my hand should be on your body' scribbled all over them.

True, his face is the exact dimension and texture of a family meat pie, but he's also a multimillionaire, so they probably cancel each other out.

That man is Swiss businessman Arpad Busson, and he's just got engaged to Uma Thurman. It's been confirmed and everything. People reports:

"I can confirm she is engaged," Stephen Huvane said on Friday. New York's Daily News was first to report the engagement. In return for saying yes, the actress received some serious sparkle: an 8-plus carat center stone surrounded by 20 smaller stones. "It's the most beautiful piece I've ever seen," says a close source of the diamond ring. "Arki did a wonderful job."

It's actually quite heartwarming that, after going through something as emotionally draining as her stalker case, Uma Thurman can learn to trust the motives behind men's romantic advances again. But of course she can – Arpad Busson is a high-flying European financier, not a psychologically-disturbed fan. There's one other difference between Uma Thurman's new fiance and her stalker, too, but it's slightly more subtle.

Remember that Jack Jordan said that he was destined to be with Uma Thurman forever? Uma probably won't have that problem with Busson – he ditched Elle McPherson after she had a couple of his kids, after all, so he's hardly going to stay with Uma Thurman very long, is he? None of that icky forever business to deal with there. Phew.

Let this be a lesson to you all – you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.

Unless you mean that you’ll go to jail if you stalk Uma Thurman, because if that’s the case then yes, you probably will get away with it – just like Jack Jordan, the man recently found guilty of being Uma Thurman’s crazy stalker. Rather than jail, Jack Jordan has been given three years probation and some outpatient psychiatric treatment.

In addition to this, Jack Jordan has been banned from any contact with Uma Thurman for five years. Which means that the unveiling of his masterwork Man Falling Off Giant Razorblade Into Grave Dug By Giggling Bride Uma Thurman (Oil On Canvas) has been pushed back to 2013, a bitter blow to lovers of creepy deranged art everywhere.

Some celebrity stalkers of recent years have been more blindly traditional (anonymously sending packets of dildos to Britney Spears) or thrillingly creative (a tip of the hat to you, Dessarae Bradford), but none have managed the full-on high profile media assault of Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan.

Jack Jordan ran the gauntlet of stalking techniques to try and convince Uma Thurman that they were preordained to be together forever – he contacted Uma’s father and threatened to kill himself, he slept in a car near Uma’s house and he sent her torn-up pieces of paper, pictures of headless brides, creepy cards with stick figures of grave diggers on the back and a scribbled list of creepy words – but all to no avail.

Not only did Uma Thurman turn down Jack Jordan’s attractive ‘stay with me forever and never leave me’ proposition, but she also took him to court and got him convicted of stalking and harrassing her – charges that carry a maximum punishment of a year in jail.

Not that Jack Jordan’s going to serve a year in jail, though – as he was sentenced yesterday, it became clear that ‘no time in jail at all’ was closer to what the judge had in mind. E! Online reports:

“I’m terrified of being incarcerated again,” he told the court before his sentencing. “My greatest wish is that I had known sooner that I was putting fear into the heart [of Thurman].” While prosecutors pushed for the maximum sentence of one year in prison for the conviction on aggravated harassment , New York State Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro opted to have Jordan serve probation in his home state of Maryland with the condition that he receive outpatient psychiatric treatment… As for his stalking count, Jordan was sentenced to time already served.

Escaping jail can only be a good thing for Jack Jordan, because as a celebrity stalker he’d face a barrage of victimisation from other inmates if he was sent to jail – at least until he’d drawn pictures of them as headless giggling brides and won their hearts forever. But what about Uma Thurman?

Surely Uma won’t be able to fully relax with Jordan still on the outside. Every day that Jack Jordan isn’t locked up – even if he’s in another state – will be another day that she’ll be expecting another terrifying onslaught of negative attention. Not that she’ll have to adjust all that much, though – on any given day she already has to put up with verbal abuse from up to 400 disgruntled fans who were tricked into seeing My Super Ex Girlfriend. She’ll do OK.

Some shocking news – that bloke who kept sending Uma Thurman creepy love letters and visiting her all the time? Turns out he’s a stalker.

That was the decision reached by the jury in a New York court yesterday, anyway, where Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and harassing Thurman and immediately jailed pending his sentencing next month.

But who’s the real criminal here? Is it the man who systematically terrorised Uma Thurman by sending her pictures of headless brides and telling her that her children don’t actually exist, or is it society?

What? The first one? Yeah, that probably makes sense, actually.

Look at Uma Thurman. Look at her. There’s just something about her, isn’t there. Something that draws you in. Something that tells you that Uma is predestined to fall in love with you until the end of time. Something that says “Hey boys, you want some of this? Then send me a relentless stream of terrifying doodles and messages that will firmly convince me of your desperate mental instability.”

We’re joking, of course – as normally-functioning human beings, the only thing that Uma Thurman says to us is “Don’t go and see any of my films, none of them are very good” – but that doesn’t apply to Jack Jordan, a man who loves Uma Thurman more than any man really has the right to.

During last week’s stalky court case, we heard how Jack Jordan had threatened to kill himself if he couldn’t be with Uma Thurman, and that he sent Uma just about the creepiest stuff imaginable. True, his lawyer said that Jack Jordan was just a hopeless romantic who couldn’t tell the difference between a bunch of flowers and a stick figure drawing of himself falling off a giant Acme razor blade into an open grave while Uma Thurman, wearing a wedding dress, stood next to him and said “tee hee,” but that didn’t work.

Yesterday Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and one count of aggravated harassment and now faces up to a year in jail, as the Associated Press reports:

“I’ve learned some disturbing things about this defendant during this case,” said state Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro. “I am going to remand him for a psychiatric exam.” Defense lawyer George Vomvolakis said Jordan was disappointed with the verdict and that he will soon decide whether to appeal. He requested protective custody for Jordan, saying he faces “specific threats because he’s a stalker.”

Exactly! Where are the stalkers’ rights here? As a convicted stalker, Jack Jordan should have access to a few basic necessities in jail, like an endless supply of Uma Thurman posters for him to lick day and night and a small brush allowing him to daub globs of his own semen across any letters he chooses to write to Uma over the next 12 months.

Anyway, let’s forget about Jack Jordan and concentrate on what a relief his incarceration must be to Uma Thurman. Not only is he guaranteed to be out of her way for up to a year but, now that she’s effectively put him in prison, Uma Thurman doesn’t need to worry about Jack Jordan being in love with her any more.

True, it means he’ll probably bombard her with death threats, bunches of dead flowers and horrifically-melted Barbie doll heads, but he definitely won’t love her any more.

Read more:

Jury in New York City convicts fan of stalking Uma Thurman - AP

Nobody really knows what women want, but we know what Uma Thurman doesn’t want – creepy pictures of headless brides sent to her.

And that’s kind of a shame, because that’s precisely the thing that Uma Thurman’s crazed stalker misunderstood fan crazed stalker Jack Jordan happened to send her.

Uma Thurman finally got her chance to testify in her court case against alleged stalker Jack Jordan yesterday, and took the chance to list all of the disturbing stuff that he’d sent her in the past. And most could agree that Uma Thurman gave a good performance on the stand. OK, a decent performance. Nobody walked out during it, at least. So, you know, it did better than Paycheck.

There’s such a fine line between appreciation and obsession, isn’t there. Sometimes it’s hard to see the line. For example, why is it OK to compliment someone on their work but less OK to send them a stick figure cartoon of them saying “tee hee” as you topple from a giant Acme razorblade into an open grave? Aren’t they essentially the same thing?

Jack Jordan obviously shares this confusion, which is why he’s been in court all week facing charges of stalking and harassing Uma Thurman. Throughout the week we’ve seen several sides of Jordan – his own lawyer says that he’s a harmless misguided romantic at worst, while Uma Thurman’s parents painted him as a disturbed man who threatened to kill himself if he couldn’t be with Uma.

Perhaps we’d all have a better handle of what Jack Jordan’s obsession with Uma Thurman was about if we heard from Uma Thurman herself. And that’s why Uma Thurman took to the stand yesterday to describe her experiences of being the focus of Jack Jordan’s attention. As the New York Times reports, the key moment came when Uma Thurman revealed what was in a package Jordan sent her:

Little pieces of torn paper, a dollar bill and a picture of a headless bride fell out of the envelope, she said, along with a store-bought religious confirmation card for a child. On the front was a dreamy pastel image of a small blonde girl, a spray of pink flowers and a dove. On the back was a crude pen-and-ink drawing of a male stick figure — apparently meant to be Mr. Jordan — walking off the edge of an Acme razor blade into an open grave next to a female stick figure — apparently meant to be Ms. Thurman — with a thought balloon over her head saying, “Tee-hee.”

Oh, that’s not all. Uma Thurman also revealed that written inside the card was a spiral of words, many of which had been scribbled out, including ‘chocolate’, ‘soft’, ‘mouth’, ‘kissing’ and the inevitable ‘my hand should be on your body.’

Just one hand, you understand. Even Jack Jordan doesn’t like Uma Thurman enough for a two-handed Uma-fondle.

During her testimony, Uma Thurman appeared to be torn between the terror that she understandably went through during this ordeal and a sort of resigned pity about helping to send a man to prison. In fact, her weary, drawn testimony was a reminder that being subjected to this kind of ordeal can have a profoundly upsetting effect on someone’s life.

Now, if only Jack Jordan had done what Colin Farrell‘s stalker did and made a funky pop song about his stalking adventures, then it’d be much easier to poke fun at him. Stupid Jack Jordan.

Read more:

Uma Thurman Tells of Odd Card Left by Pursuer - NYT

You know when you tell a girl that you love her and if she doesn’t love you back you’ll kill yourself? Yeah, apparently not such a great tactic.

Maybe that’s where we’ve been going wrong all these years. And not just us, either – Uma Thurman‘s alleged stalker Jack Jordan has fallen foul of this weird quirk of female nature as well. In court yesterday, Uma Thurman’s mother described a phone call with Jordan where he said he’d kill himself if he and her daughter weren’t predestined to be together.

And, surprisingly enough, this didn’t end in Uma Thurman leaping into Jack Jordan’s arms and yelling “Oh kiss me, you great big psychologically-deranged schnookie-noogs!” Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t disturb them to the point of shrieking hysteria.

Court cases involving celebrities tend to be quite boring, unless the celebrities have been accused of shooting a woman’s face off, because they all usually involve drink-driving and the celebrities are usually always guilty. So thank heavens for the 12-month reign of terror that frenzied stalker Jack Jordan is accused of hammering Uma Thurman and her family with, because at least it’s a bit different.

You probably know the details by now – Jack Jordan apparently bombarded Uma Thurman with letters and emails and disturbing pictures of Uma Thurman digging his grave and would sleep in his car outside her house and whatnot. And now the case has finally reached court.

Yesterday we reported how Jack Jordan’s lawyer described his client as a kind of creepy, woefully-misguided romantic, like something out of Romeo And Juliet if Romeo And Juliet‘s famous balcony scene ended with the line “Seriously Romeo, get away from my balcony. You’re creeping me the fuck out and I’m trying to learn lines for My Super Ex-Girlfriend.”

And now Uma Thurman’s parents have taken to the stand to discuss the other side of the story – the side that’s a bit less ‘romantic’ and a bit more ‘crazy man threatening to kill himself’. According to the New York Times, Uma Thurman’s mother had a particularly enlightening telephone conversation with Jack Jordan:

“I wanted to know what was on his mind, so I asked him what this was all about,” she testified. “He told me in so many words that he believed that he and my daughter had a preordained life, as it were, that they were meant to be together. He knew this. She didn’t know it. If she saw him, she would know they were destined to be together and be very happy.” She tried, she said, to talk Mr. Jordan out of his infatuation, telling him that he was “projecting” his own fantasies onto Uma Thurman’s life, and that they had no basis in reality. She testified that Mr. Jordan replied that “in that case there was no meaning in life for him. He would have to kill himself. Probably in a month or so he would be gone.”

Seriously? Jack Jordan thought about killing himself after being told that Uma Thurman probably wouldn’t want to marry him? We’d have contemplated suicide way before that – about the time we realised that Uma Thurman being the meaning of our lives would probably involve having to watch Paycheck more than once, to be precise.

Read more:

Actress’s Parents Tell of Stalker Suspect – NY Times

Jack Jordan, you’ve let us down. All that time you were stalking Uma Thurman in a number of imaginatively creepy ways, we thought you were being illegal.

And now your lawyer is saying that you weren’t being illegal in an effort to keep you out of jail? That is very disappointing, Jack Jordan. Very disappointing indeed.

But on the plus side, if Jack Jordan is acquitted of his Uma Thurman stalking charges, it basically means that we’re all legally free to send the object of our obsession terrifying hand-drawn pictures of ourselves walking along a razorblade while they eeirly dig our graves. Good lord, Martine McCutcheon had better hope that Jack Jordan is found guilty.

To be an effective stalker, you need to have an angle. Without a USP (unique stalking point), you’ll blend into the crowd and never be heard of again, but with a little effort you’ll be the toast of the annual Creepy Stalker Convention.

Now, joining the likes of Emily Leatherman, the woman who throws bags of screwdrivers into John Cusack’s garden; Dessarae Bradford, the woman who writes books about the people she stalks and Unidentified Dildo Fanatic Number One, who’s been pestering Britney Spears lately, comes Uma Thurman’s alleged stalker Jack Jordan.

Jack Jordan has a complex USP. On the surface, it looks as if all he does is send creepy pictures and threats of suicide to Uma Thurman and occasionally sleeps in a car outside her house – your typical stalker fare – but the genius part is that, once he was arrested for stalking Uma Thurman, he claimed that he wasn’t guilty even though he sort of admits to doing all the stuff he’s been accused of.

And that’s why, in court yesterday, Jack Jordan’s lawyer admitted that – while Jordan might be incredibly creepy – he’s not actually doing anything illegal. BBC News reports:

A man accused of stalking Kill Bill actress Uma Thurman thought he was being romantic, his lawyer has claimed. “Creepy? Yes. Obsessed? Yes. Criminal? No,” George Vomvolakis said at the start of Jack Jordan’s New York trial. In his opening statement, Mr Vomvolakis said his client “does not think the way you and I think. He doesn’t know the boundaries you and I know,” he told the jury.

You have to admit it’s a genius gambit, and if George Vomvolakis manages to get Jack Jordan off the hook then he’s set himself up with a lifetime of guaranteed work, knowing that his next client will always be just on the other side of his bedroom window trying to listen to him sleep at night.

It’s a long shot – and really, we don’t know why Vomvolakis didn’t just go with the old ‘nobody likes Uma Thurman that much, not even creepy psychiatric patients’ approach – but if he wins the case then we’re sure Jack Jordan will be grateful. Really grateful. Maybe even ‘invite yourself around for dinner at 3am’. Maybe even ‘sending razorblade-walking pictures’ grateful. Maybe.

Read more:

Uma Stalker ‘Creepy Not Criminal’ – BBC

You might classify drawing a picture of yourself walking along a razorblade while Uma Thurman digs your grave, or threatening to kill yourself if you ever see see Uma Thurman with another man as 'quite mental'.

But Jack Jordan certainly wouldn't, no sirree. And that's a shame, because he's the man who was arrested and stands accused of recently doing both of those things to Uma Thurman. But there's a lifeline – prosecutors have offered Jack Jordan a plea deal that would mean he'd get a reduced sentence if he admits guilt to the charges of stalking and attempted coercion. The only problem there is that Jack Jordan would be spending the reduced sentence locked up in a mental institution. And since he claims he isn't mental, Jack Jordan has decided to reject it. But, come on, liking Uma Thurman? And he claims he isn't crazy?

We've always judged the scale of crazy obsession to be a little bit fuzzy, and much of it depends on the object of the obsession. For instance, if the object was the French bra-girl from the Marks & Spencers advert, then ordering everyone in the room to be silent so you can lick the TV screen like a dog in peace each time her commercial comes on can't possibly be classified as obsessive. Everyone does it. There's nothing wrong with doing that.

But Uma Thurman, on the other hand, is different. For example, anyone who paid money to go and see Uma Thurman in My Super Ex-Girlfriend at the cinema or on DVD clearly suffers from a dangerous clinical obsession and should be locked up forever immediately. Or drowned. Or both.

With this in mind, you'd need to be completely doolally to even attempt to do any of the following to Uma Thurman: 1) Sleep in your car dangerously close to Uma Thurman's house, 2) break into Uma Thurman's trailer and leave cartoons of yourself walking along a razorblade while she digs your grave, 3) Threaten to kill yourself if you ever see Uma Thurman with another man, 4) Entertain the thought of watching the Uma Thurman movie Be Cool, even for the briefest of moments.

Sadly, 35-year-old Jack Jordan is accused of three – tragically maybe even four – of these things. In October Jordan was arrested and charged with stalking, aggravated harassment and attempted coercion, and last month his court appearances even inspired a haiku or two.

Things don't look great for Jack Jordan – if he's convicted of the charges he'll be sentenced to four years in jail – but prosecutors still want to cut him some slack. They want to reduce Jordan's charges, but to do that he first has to agree to plead guilty to slaking Uma Thurman and then spend a year in a mental facility.

However, Jack Jordan has dismissed the plea deal on the basis that he doesn't want a criminal record, and will now run the risk of being hit with the full force of the charges.

We can understand where this rejection came from, though – imagine spending a year in a mental facility. It'd be horrible – and almost impossible to draw any more razorblade/ grave pictures of you and Uma Thurman. And, really, isn't that what this case is all about?

Read more:

Uma Fan Says No To Nuthouse - E! Online 

Another Monday, eh? And what are you going to do with it?

Are you going to treat it as a fresh start, inject a spring to your step and take on the world with new and vigoured confidence? Or are you going to waste time arsing around on the internet in order to avoid paying attention to a job you hate, before going home and drinking three bottles of cornershop red wine and getting stoned while watching Buffy DVDs? Is that what you're going to do? Is it?

Sure it is. But don't worry – it does allow you the chance to play hecklerspray's Celebrity Haiku Competition.

This week our subject is movie-star-type Uma Thurman. First, though, let's have a wee gander at last week's winner…

Seven days ago, we asked you to come up with best haikus about fashion freaks Trinny and Susannah, and how they couldn't care less if they make poor fat ladies cry on telly every week. The champion was someone called Panini – their second victory, no less – whose effort ran:

No surprise, Trinny
And Susannah make me cry
Each time I see them 

Well done, kid. Send us your details and we'll send you your prize. Two whole packets of delicious Space Raiders crisps.

This week's contest? Well, we'd like you to come up with a haiku on the following subject:

Uma Thurman's stalker has been appearing in court, explaining how he's 'in love' with the movie star and wants them to 'be together'.

All you've gotta do is remember the golden rule of Haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. What's that? An 'example'? Oh, alright:

Uma Thurman Is

The Object Of Desire For

A Mad Mentalist

You can do better than that, right? Entries in the comments box below…