Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
In 1953, a sexy young bombshell named Angie Dickinson snuck out of her secretarial job to enter a beauty contest.
Showbiz folks were awestruck — that crooked smile and those endless legs — she came in second, but ended up on television, divorced and canoodling with Frank Sinatra.
Hollywood adored Angie, who would one day make Playboy’s list of the “100 Sexiest Stars of the Century”. Her first big film break was in Rio Bravo, but her star shined brightest in the television hit, Police Woman.
When Uma Thurman was a teenager she was awkward, introverted and often teased for her tall frame and unusual angular bone structure. Today she’s a talented actress who’s danced and kicked ass in multiple films such as “Pulp Fiction,” “Kill Bill,” and “The Producers” and even scored a Best Supporting Actress nomination.
Uma has been named one of the sexiest stars in People magazine, Maxim, and more. Did you know that Uma was almost Princess Buttercup? In 1987 she tried out for the part in “The Princess Bride,” but the role went to Robin Wright. She was almost Lara Croft as well but turned down the role in 2001. Good choice because Angelina Jolie was perfect for that role.
Uma Thurman is smokin’ hot isn’t she? Wait! No she isn’t! Yes she is! Oh, we wish her face would make our minds up! In fact, we wish Uma Thurman’s face would make it’s mind up. For now, we’re going with ‘hot’.
Anyway, let us not objectify wimminfolk too much. We like Uma for her acting ability right? Even when she’s in absolute crud, she’s still kinda great!
However, she’s at her best when she’s working with Quentin Tarantino and the rumour mill kicks off again as the actress starts dropping hints about a western.
One of these days, Kristen Stewart will pull a convincing smile. One of these days, Robert Pattinson will pull a convincing face. Seriously, he’s *that close* to showing a sign of expression. We all keenly await it like people staring at someone due out of a coma.
Well, the pair of them may have privately nearly pulled expressions as it seems they have gone through that most painful of experiences – which we’re poking fun at because we’re heartless fools – a break-up.
That’s right masturbating fantasists! You can now imagine marrying one of these people in some shivering, glittery fleshed union as they are now on the market after Kristen Stewart totally dumped Robert Pattinson’s arse on the kerb.
Fans of Robert Pattinson need no encouragement when it comes to sighing wistfully about ol’ mono-chops. They certainly don’t need anyone to provoke them into furious bouts of masturbation either. So the news that Pattinson is a good kisser will invariably see tweens all over the world sticking their hands down their knicker-fronts faster than a rat down a drainpipe.
And who says he’s a good kisser? Someone who decided to plant their lips on him just to stave off the agonising boredom of having to try and strike up a conversation with him?
No silly! It’s ‘Bel Ami’ co-star Christina Ricci who loads of people fancy!
Uma Thurman is a strange creature isn’t she? Sometimes, she’s one of the most beautiful women you’ll ever see, yet, somehow, only seconds away from looking like a very ugly man. Still, she’s made a bunch of fun films so we shouldn’t grumble really.
She’ll be less grumbly today too. Why? Well, thanks to her being a famous human, she’s been awarded a stalker, which must be both gratifying and a royal pain in the arse.
However, Thurman’s stalker just got arrested, meaning that she can go about her business without fear of someone nailing a cat to her front door and phoning her up every 3 seconds and shouting “I’m playing with myself! I’ve got a noose ’round my neck! I really liked you in ‘Even Cowgirls Get The Blues’!”
Uma Thurman has split up with her fiance Arpad Busson. Chances are you’re wondering who to feel most sorry for.
Should it be Uma Thurman? After all, this split means that she now has two failed marriages and one failed engagement behind her, which can’t be pleasant. Or should it be Arpad Busson, on the basis that he’s let another beautiful celebrity slip through his fingers?
No. You should feel more sorry for us. After all, now that she doesn’t have a multimillionaire hotelier to lean on, Uma Thurman is going to have to fend for herself financially. And you know what that means? My Super Ex-Girlfriend 2, that’s what it means. We’ve got the bum deal here.
Well how about that – the way to Uma Thurman's heart doesn't involve drawing pictures of her digging your grave and tittering after all.
We'll be blown. Apparently if you want Uma Thurman to fall in love with you you should probably be a multimillionaire businessman who doesn't live in a car parked freakishly close to Uma Thurman's house. That's the tactic used by Arpad "Arki" Busson, anyway, and it's seemed to work for him.
That's because Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson have just announced their engagement. The news will come as a bitter to Uma Thurman's convicted stalker Jack Jordan, although it's not all bad news – he apparently hopes it'll be a long engagement so that he can turn up to the wedding with his special handmade confetti made from tiny little cutouts of disturbing headless brides.
Let this be a lesson to you all – you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.
Unless you mean that you’ll go to jail if you stalk Uma Thurman, because if that’s the case then yes, you probably will get away with it – just like Jack Jordan, the man recently found guilty of being Uma Thurman’s crazy stalker. Rather than jail, Jack Jordan has been given three years probation and some outpatient psychiatric treatment.
In addition to this, Jack Jordan has been banned from any contact with Uma Thurman for five years. Which means that the unveiling of his masterwork Man Falling Off Giant Razorblade Into Grave Dug By Giggling Bride Uma Thurman (Oil On Canvas) has been pushed back to 2013, a bitter blow to lovers of creepy deranged art everywhere.
Some shocking news – that bloke who kept sending Uma Thurman creepy love letters and visiting her all the time? Turns out he’s a stalker.
That was the decision reached by the jury in a New York court yesterday, anyway, where Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and harassing Thurman and immediately jailed pending his sentencing next month.
But who’s the real criminal here? Is it the man who systematically terrorised Uma Thurman by sending her pictures of headless brides and telling her that her children don’t actually exist, or is it society?
What? The first one? Yeah, that probably makes sense, actually.
