On Friday Tina was evicted and Mutya walked out, and then yesterday a surprise eviction took place, with Michelle Heaton getting the chop. So that’s the last of her crying we’ll hear, except for in every single magazine we’ll read for the next 18 months. Joy.

But where does this leave the other housemates? Here’s our Celebrity Big Brother look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – We don’t know about you, but we wouldn’t bet against Terry Christian coming second in this year’s Celebrity Big Brother. He’s funny, he’s open-minded, he’s everyone’s friend and he’s got a nice line in neat self-deprecation. In fact, we’d probably say that Terry was a contender to win Celebrity Big Brother, or at least he would be if he was a horny shitfaced munchkin. But he’s not, so second-place it is. Anyway, Terry has spent the last few days hinting at the fact that Celebrity Big Brother is ‘a breeze’ compared to the stresses he’s suffered over the last six months in the outside world. We don’t know what these stresses are, but if they’re worse than being trapped in a mirror-filled box with the shit one from Liberty X, he has our deepest sympathies.

Tommy Sheridan – We’re thinking about starting a campaign to get Tommy Sheridan voted in as prime minister once Celebrity Big Brother finishes. Who better to fight away the credit crunch than a burly, balding man in the middle of a painfully awkward mid-life crisis who gets his chest out at the drop of a hat, is hopeless at just about everything he’s asked to do and isn’t averse to standing around in bathrooms doing weights in his pants? Nobody, that’s who. We want Tommy Sheridan to win Celebrity Big Brother, and then we want him to become our dad. Our estranged dad, obviously. Because, come on, he’s clearly a cock.

Ulrika Jonsson – Two thirds of the way through Celebrity Big Brother and we’re still completely unable to work out what the show will do for Ulrika Jonsson’s reputation. Onscreen she comes off as decent enough – forthright about her past mistakes when she needs to be and quick to jump to the defence of others when she feels they’re being slighted – but she’s always being nominated for eviction. Why is this? Is she an arsehole when we’re not looking? Are we missing something? Either way, we hope that Ulrika comes out of Celebrity Big Brother better off than she went in. Because, seriously, if she’s reduced to making another one of those documentaries about how she’s a sex addict, we’re probably going to vomit.

Verne Troyer – Look, let’s just do the decent thing and end Celebrity Big Brother now, shall we? Verne Troyer is obviously going to win. He was obviously going to win from the moment he entered the house – thanks to the weird mixture of pity and flat-out hilarity he inspires in people – but after this week’s drunkenness, it’s pretty much a done deal. If you missed it, Verne brazenly chatted up LaToya Jackson, told Ben Adams that he liked his eyebrows and then smashed into the Diary Room door with his mobility scooter as fast as he possibly could. If that’s not a textbook way to win a reality TV show, we’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

Tomorrow: More Celebrity Big Brother nonsense than you can stand. Which, we suspect, isn’t a lot.

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Instead, Ulrika Jonsson, Tina Malone, Michelle Heaton and Mutya all gained the most amount of nominations from their fellow housemates. Who goes? You decide. Or rather a bunch of crosseyed numbskulls who think that voting for Celebrity Big Brother evictions is a constructive recreational activity will decide. Or something.

So for the rest of the week we’ll be looking at the prospective Celebrity Big Brother evictees, starting with Mutya and Ulrika…

Mutya – We’ll admit to being a teensy bit surprised that Mutya has been placed up for Celebrity Big Brother eviction when, say, Coolio hasn’t. Of course, the message here is perfectly clear – if you want to be a shrieking, attention-seeking bellend who routinely makes cracks about beating up women, that’s fine. But if you want to be a decent-seeming popstar whose only crime appears to be displaying a keen sense of personal dignity? Ugh! Get out! Get out you disgusting witch! But maybe Mutya’s self-assurance is to blame here – after all, in that song of hers she did say “I know ezzakly who I am.” Maybe that’s why she’s been nominated for eviction from the Celebrity Big Brother house – constant mispronunciation of the word ‘exactly’. The massive bitch.

Ulrika Jonsson – This has got to sting for Ulrika Jonsson. Two weeks in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and two weeks of eviction nomination. It’s almost like society frowns on obnoxious self-righteous former ladettes with four kids by four men, isn’t it? Weird. Anyway, judging by the smattering of halfhearted cheers that Ulrika got during last week’s eviction, we would bet against her leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Well, we wouldn’t if it wasn’t for our suspicion that Big Brother is still going to bring Nancy Dell’Olio in soon, which means we can expect three days of extremely positive Ulrika coverage so the plot isn’t blown. Then again, Tina Malone is also up for eviction, and Big Brother would have to make Ulrika look like a baby murderer for her to look less popular in comparison, surely.

Tomorrow: Tina Malone.

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So who’ll be the unlucky housemates who’ll face the next Celebrity Big Brother? Well, Coolio. Obviously Coolio. What do we look like, idiots? Of course it’ll be Coolio. And probably one of the others who, we’re sad to admit, have all blended into one disgusting entity, a bit like the floating BBC Zardoz head that freaked everyone a couple of years ago.

Anyway, here’s part two of this week’s look at the Celebrity Big Brother housemates – for Terry Christian, Tina Malone, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – Bollocks. We knew this would happen – Terry Christian has emerged as the down-to-earth voice of normality in this season of Celebrity Big Brother. And there we were hoping that he’d be the same old obnoxious bellend who goaded all those idiots into drinking their own vomit back in the early 1990s. Oh well. There’s not much else to say about Terry Christian, really, other than that he’d probably be the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate we’d be happy to go to the pub with. Well, apart from Coolio, but that’s only because he’d probably get beaten up after about two minutes in a normal British pub.

Tina Malone – It’s fair to say that Tina Malone is basically four dreadlocks and about six stone shy of being Collio’s identical twin, but the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates have yet to pick up on it. Both are frighteningly self-obsessed, both have voices that sound like the screeching aftermath of a motorway accident and both have, on occasion, flirted uncomfortably with Ulrika Jonsson. But the rest of the house seems totally obvious to this. Nobody’s even commented that Tina looks like the albino lovechild of Mo Mowlam and Gary Coleman yet. And that’s obvious, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Tommy Sheridan – If there was a Celebrity Big Brother god, we’d rush out into the streets and do a little celebratory dance to him for gifting us with Tommy Sheridan this year. Hands down, Tommy Sheridan is the find of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 – and the fact he’s agreed to do it while clearly in the deranged throes of a midlife crisis just makes it even sweeter. So far, as well as consistently failing to fool anyone into thinking that he’s not going bald, Tommy has convinced himself that Big Brother was engineering a romance between him and Michelle Heaton, dressed up as a pepperpot and failed to do a rudimentary dance to a Salt N Pepa song on ice with Michael Jackson’s sister and consistently adopted a toe-curling take on Ebonics whenever he’s had to talk to Coolio. Tommy Sheridan is obviously a genius, and we want him to win Celebrity Big Brother. And then, ideally, fall down a crack in the Earth and never be heard of again.

Ulrika Jonsson – Good. You didn’t evict Ulrika Jonsson from the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Whether that was because the show was edited to make her look more favourable, or because she suddenly decided to tell endless sympathy stories about herself in the closing days of last week, or because you find her relatable on a human level or because – unlike Lucy Pinder – she may have had an original thought at some point in her life, it doesn’t matter. Because, by keeping Ulrika Jonsson on Celebrity Big Brother, you may have just started off one of television’s greatest emotional breakdowns. Pats on the back all round, everyone.

Verne Troyer – By the look of it, Verne Troyer’s already got Celebrity Big Brother all sewn up. He’s disabled, but he doesn’t use his disability as an excuse to act like a nobstand like blind Mikey or mad Pete. He speaks movingly about his dead friends. He seems almost cripplingly shy at times. He sings Lionel Richie songs like a bored goat calling for help from the bottom of a well. There’s literally nothing bad to say about Verne Troyer. And that’s why we can’t stand him.

Later this week: Celebrity Big Brother eviction shenanigans. Unless we die of boredom first, which is very possible.