Why hello there. You’re just in time for the greatest thing you will see all day, provided you have exceptionally low standards.

It’s the next part in our breathtaking ‘Who’s going to take over from Fern Britton as co-host of This Morning?’ rundown. Every day until Big Brother starts, we’ll be profiling a contender to become the new female presenter of ITV’s daytime behemoth This Morning. Unless a new co-host is announced before then, of course. In which case we’re effed.

Still, here’s the rundown for Ulrika Jonsson…

Ulrika Jonsson – We’ll admit it; it’d be nice if Ulrika Jonsson got the This Morning job. No, really, it would. The poor woman’s got several mouths to feed at the moment – with potentially a few more on the way if the male guests don’t keep their dressing room doors locked properly – and she’s still on a high from winning Celebrity Big Brother this year. Obviously, if her journalism is anything to go by, everything Ulrika Jonsson would say on This Morning would be prefaced by “As a mother…” which would get tiresome extremely quickly. But then again it doesn’t really matter because we never watch This Morning anyway. Honestly, it’s all meaningless to us.

Tomorrow: Emma Forbes

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Guest blog! Nik Johnson!

Is there anyone who is even faintly impressed by Piers Morgan?

Anyone that sees his name and knows that his involvement is going to be a mark of quality? ITV seems to think so, and has thoughtfully brought us Piers Morgan’s Life Stories. It’s a tabloid TV show in the vein of his tell-all Daily Mirror interviews, where celebrities are invited on to shout their brains (or not in the case of this week’s guest, Ulrika Jonsson.)

Hosted in a blue-lit studio eerily reminiscent of a low rent strip club, Piers and Ulrika perch awkwardly on chairs in front of a giant picture of Ulrika’s gormless face, while a grinning audience applaud like seals at every terrible joke. Gladiators were fighting with giant cotton buds, you say? It’s like observational comedy. From 1992.

Plunging the depths of Ulrika’s life, the production team have left no stone unturned in tracking down anyone with the most tenuous of links to her. One of the Gladiators (but not the one she screwed), a friend of her mum’s and a bloke who once watched her buy a newspaper in Spar all offer their thoughts.

Oily, grimy Piers draws on all his newspaper experience to give the guest enough rope to hang herself with, asking leading questions – and getting a round of applause from the audience of hateful, hateful idiots for asking if she came close to sleeping with Prince Edward.

If you’re interested in every tedious facet of Ulrika’s childhood, then you should definitely watch the opening segments. But, if like normal people, you couldn’t care less about the intricate bickering and petty squabbling of two strangers going through a divorce, then congratulations. You’re right.

On a lighter note, Ulrika describes the time she was date raped, which is genuinely uncomfortable to watch. Hearing this account, coupled with horrible shots of Morgan, ensure a Clockwork Orange-style torture that even the most hardened Guantanamo Bay guard would have reservations about employing.

In yet another fun incident, Ulrika was kicked to the floor by notorious dogger and occasional footballer Stan Collymore. During this bit, the camera zooms unnervingly on her, showing every bit of make-up that’s been lovingly trowelled on her fragile face. But just try looking at her mouth without thinking about which bit of Sven has been in it.

Grimness over, we’re treated to an almost literal blow-by-blow account of Ulrika’s many, many, many, many, many lovers. A Gladiator, a footballer, a cameraman, an international manager in comedy specs, reality show contestant (called fucking Lance, of all things) – it’s like she got the I-Spy book of occupations and misunderstood the requirements for ticking them off.

Morgan’s interview technique actually helps the programme, and Ulrika has obviously been paid well enough to be open and candid. So, if you’re really, really interested in the banalities of her life and can’t muster the brain-power to read all 400 pages of her book Honest, then it’s a decent summary. But who the hell cares about Ulrika in that much depth?

The highlight of the entire hour is, incidentally, finding out that her mum is called Gun. How cool.

This was a guest blog by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows. His Twitter avatar is a Muppet, you know.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

We have some sad news for you all – it’s the final of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 tonight.

Are we sad because we don’t know what we’ll do with our lives once it’s finished? No, we’re sad because – unless a flaming airship containing nothing but elephants and naked go-go dancers crashes into the house within the next 12 hours – this will go down in history as the dullest-ever Celebrity Big Brother. That’s right, even duller than the one Anthea Turner did.

But still, let’s see out Celebrity Big Brother by looking at the chances of winning for Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Ulrika Jonsson – People of Britain, you’ve had so many chances to vote out Ulrika Jonsson over the last three weeks of Celebrity Big Brother, and the fact that you haven’t evicted her warms our heart so much. We suspect that, like us, you love watching Ulrika’s obvious anguish every time someone else is evicted ahead of her. She wants out of the Celebrity Big Brother house so bad, and you just won’t let her. So tonight, let’s keep Ulrika Jonsson in the house as long as possible. Deal? Good. Obviously when we say ‘as long as possible’ we mean ‘second place at best’. We can’t have Ulrika win Celebrity Big Brother, you understand. We don’t want to give her the wrong idea.

Verne Troyer – Verne Troyer had plenty of reasons to win Celebrity Big Brother from the get-go, because he’s disabled in a way that makes him amusing to look at, but this week Verne has gone above and beyond in his quest to win the show. He’s been shitfaced on boozed, cracked on to Michael Jackson‘s sister, sworn as angrily and as loudly as possible at every opportunity and, let’s not forget, he kissed a baby dolly with tongues. If Verne Troyer doesn’t win Celebrity Big Brother, we’ll eat our hat. And then we’ll eat your hat. And then we’ll probably do a very hatty poo.

Next week: Dancing On Bastard Ice.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Well this is exciting – the end of Celebrity Big Brother‘s first full week. And any week where Terry Christian dresses up as a king and zips about on a midget’s mobility scooter is a good week, right?

But the Celebrity Big Brother dream is going to end tonight for either Ulrika Jonsson or Lucy Pinder, after they were nominated for eviction for having a raging ego and all the talent of a shoebox respectively. One of them has to go, but who?

We looked at Lucy Pinder yesterday, so here’s Ulrika Jonsson’s chances of Celebrity Big Brother survival…

Ulrika Jonsson – Science dictates there are seven stages of grief, but watching Ulrika Jonsson discover that she’d been nominated for eviction from Celebrity Big Brother earlier this week makes us wonder if there aren’t about 150 stages instead. Ulrika ran the gamut from bitterness to weeping to paranoia to solitude to grim-faced excuse-making to forced acceptance to – most weirdly of all – crying because she said she’ll be sad if she’s not evicted. Importantly, none of these things make Ulrika Jonsson look in any way bearable as a human being, which probably doesn’t bode well for tonight’s Celebrity Big Brother.

But if Ulrika Jonsson does get evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tonight it’ll be a terrible mistake – watching the gradual deterioration of her mental state is much more fun than watching Lucy Pinder gawp into the middle-distance and pout for hours at a time. Plus, if Ulrika goes tonight it’ll really bugger up Celebrity Big Brother‘s plans to bring in Ulrika’s arch-nemesis Nancy Dell’Olio and spark off the biggest catfight in all of history. So, readers, don’t vote for Ulrika Jonsson today. Or don’t vote for anyone. In retrospect that’s probably the best idea all round.

Next week: Another look at these Celebrity Big Brother bumchops.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Today’s Celebrity Big Brother update: nothing happened. Nothing happened and, at this rate, nothing is going to happen. Ever.

But we must have patience. Give it a week and everyone will be screaming hardcore racism into each other’s faces and/or dressing up in leotards and pretending to be cats in a way that will stop us from ever sleeping normally again. That would be good. Good or utterly nightmarish. One or the other.

Anyway, time to conclude our opening look at this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates, with expert looks at Tina Malone, Coolio, Michelle Heaton, Terry Christian and Ulrika Jonsson…

Tina Malone – If you’ve watched Brookside or Shameless, you’ll know who Tina Malone is. If you don’t, you’ll probably be terrified by the hulking great fat bipolar Scouser who roared her introduction on Friday’s Celebrity Big Brother. We don’t know much about Tina Malone, other than a) she constantly feels the need to tell anyone she meets that she’s fat despite it already being fairly obvious and b) before Celebrity Big Brother is out, she’ll have punched someone in the face. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jade Goody’s mum.

Coolio – One hit wonder turned godawful celebrity chef, Coolio thinks he can win Celebrity Big Brother despite clearly not understanding what the show actually is. Then again, Coolio also thinks he’s one of the top ten rappers ever and says his favourite thing is when people tell him that his music changed their lives, something that has obviously never happened. Already the star of one vaguely racial Celebrity Big Brother incident, he’s probably one to watch. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Dennis Rodman.

Michelle Heaton – The one from Liberty X who you’d least like to spend more than a second with for fear of lashing out at her with a hammer, Michelle Heaton is famous for hating the media, even though the media is the only thing responsible for whatever grubby sliver of fame she’s managed to accrue over the years. She used to be married to the only person in the world less famous than her, but she isn’t any more. That’s about it really. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jodie Marsh.

Terry Christian – Early 1990s TV presenter turned local radio DJ, Terry Christian still appears to be a mouthy bellend. However, he is the first Celebrity Big Brother head of house – and therefore he gets to chose the housemates who’ll be up for eviction first. There’s a chance that this will make Terry Christian the voice of the people on this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, and that honestly terrifies us. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Maggot? Pete Burns? Hard to tell at the moment.

Ulrika Jonsson – Essentially public enemy number one because she had it off with an old man and has enough babies by enough men to legitimately qualify as the Swedish Bianca Jackson, Ulrika Jonsson seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother as an attempt to break the world record for repeating the word ‘Sven’ as often as possible in a three-week timespan. More interestingly, though – doesn’t Davina McCall hate Ulrika? Wasn’t there a bit of nonsense after Stan Collymore beat Ulrika up that time? Is there going to be catfight during the post-eviction interview? We hope so, because we’ve always wanted to know who’ll win in a fight between a slag and a big crow.PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Faria Alam.

Later this week: Probably more Celebrity Big Brother rubbish. But only if you’re good.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!