UK - HecklerSpray

Katie Price Adds Permanent Eyebrows to Match Her Boobs

December 20th, 2012 By Chris Starr

One woman freakshow Katie Price manages to still linger in the headlines even though she hasn’t been relevant since the late 1990s (and as someone whose sole purpose in life was to expose her breasts, was barely even relevant then). But take heed people of the world, for the miracles of modern science are on show!

Katie Price is no longer one for ageing. She’s undergone all kinds of plastic surgery, and now she’s mitigated against the worst fate that can befall an aged human being like her: the loss of her eyebrows.

Kate Middleton Topless Photos Published by Horny French Perverts

September 14th, 2012 By Chris Starr

What is the media’s obsession with seeing members of the royal family in their birthday suits? It turns out that it’s not only Prince Harry that enjoys being carefree and clothesless in the world. Today, French magazine Closer has published photos of Kate Middleton topless.

“So what?” you’re thinking. Well, this is the wife of the third in line to the British throne, who is currently in the middle of a media tour of the far East. She’s also one of the most recognised faces in the world, and she’s linked to a family which is known for its reserve and gentility (but is always featured prominently in media outlets when they don’t behave quite so well – see Wales, Harry for a bunch of perfect examples).

One Direction Land US No.1 To Show That World’s Population Is One Giant Idiot Hamper

March 21st, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

This failing planet is filled with a dying species called Humans. They’ll listen to any ol’ tosh. Just take the news that?One Direction have become the first UK pop group to debut at number one on the US album chart.

We look to America for guidance and every single time, we catch them with their trousers down, eating grease burgers on the can, burping at their ballbags and throwing a shrug.

Meanwhile, Harry Style’s continues his bid to take over the entire world while he has sex with all the women three times his age. These are worrying times.

Blink 182?s Mark Hoppus Set Wants To Be The Voice Of UK And American Politics

February 15th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

People in suits arguing all day in Westminster, that's essentially what politics is isn't it? With the Conservatives currently in power and the Liberal Democrats being handed the deputy fellatio position, the UK is as knackered as it ever was under the Labour party.

In the UK, crippling debt is affecting us all, the nation?s credit rating might be downgrade and on top of that, Scotland wants to do go solo. But then again, Scotland will inevitably make a mess of things if they do fly the political nest. One of its biggest football clubs, Rangers can't cope and has gone into administration. What hope is there for anyone else living there?

You?d assume that all of our political leaders would put aside their differences and think of how they can all help the UK through varying crisiseses. Instead, the playground taunting of ?my idea is better than yours? continues and it's now down to pop punker Mark Hoppus from Blink 182 to help us out.

Pippa Middleton’s Bum Not Safe From Paparazzi Scum

January 12th, 2012 By Kris Silver

It must be hard being Pippa Middleton; trying to be a serious business woman and gallivanting around London, made all the more difficult because everyone knows you for being the one with the arse that stole your sister?s wedding day.

Poor, poor Pippa.

But a tabloid picture editor has come forward and announced that newspapers would be offered around 300 or 400 pictures PER DAY of the fitter Middleton, none of which are of her arse.

Creased or Folded? Hecklerspray Tells You The Way It Is

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Diversify or Die?

Folded

Become a Spy! – Seriously…
The Killing – Having a hard time working it out? Well, no longer with this handy guide which will help you through the colloquialisms and references. Perhaps you might want to move to Denmark by the end of it as you’ll be such an aficionado of the culture.
Hasselhoff Is Off – No more Hoff Hassling on Britain’s Got Talent. The unfortunate trade-off of which being that Simon Cowell is coming back. Lock up Sinitta!

Victoria Beckham Won’t Be Having Her Stupid Baby This Week, Okay?

July 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The birth of any child is a wonderful thing… if of course, by ‘wonderful’, you actually mean ‘remarkably irritating’. See, when someone shunts a child from their middle, we’re supposed to treat it like some kind of miracle. Of course, no-one coos and fawns when someone brings a newborn foal into the office, still covered in amniotic gunk.

Childbirth isn’t any bigger or smarter than any other creature squirting out their shitting offspring. It’s dull and further proof that our future as humans is doomed as each baby grows up to be yet another alcopop drinking div in bad Asda George t-shirts.

When celebrities have babies growing in them, it is of even less relevance to us all, yet still we dribble enthusiastically, poised over our keys to tap out feigned glee to twitter accounts and Facebook fan pages. Victoria Beckham’s imminent idiot is one such example.

Beckhams Plan To Return To UK And UK Weeps Uncontrollably

March 14th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

When?hecklerspray heard the news that Victoria and David Beckham were reportedly coming back to the UK,? we all got into the bath in our sticky bedsit and tried to drown each other.

When that didn’t work we even tried to self harm with the jaggy?edge off our pot noodle sauce sachet but sadly that failed too and now we’re forced to apply plasters to our hurty bits and find a way to live with this awful news.

So far we’re pretty much sitting in stunned silence which is only broken by the sound of our editor screaming “OH CHRIST! OH?JESUS CHRIST NO!!!” like Edward Woodward when his sedatives have worn off.

Peaches Geldof Thinks UK Politics Is Totally Fit

February 8th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Political discussions normally crop up late at night when everyone at a party has ran out of booze and needs something to talk about, or your some sort of student pointlessly studying the subject at university.

UK politics inspires to the extent where we want to do nothing more than call anyone involved in a job which, essentially, is nothing but a blame games. Who can lead a successful constituency without a well funded second home and moat full of ducks? Ducks made out of coins probably.

If the economy hasn't gone belly up, we're either being told that criminals are getting away with more crimes and the political system becomes more and more elitist due to class and status. Basically, going to a state school will prang your chances of ever running the country. What we need is a refreshing look at the way UK politicians operate. The student protest showed people power does nothing, so what's our remaining option? Enter our Lady and Saviour, Peaches Geldof.

UK versus USA: Reasons Why America Doesn’t Make Music As Good As We Do

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Okay America – you may have given us rock ‘n’ roll, jazz and punk… but really, you’re not as good as we Brits. Seriously. America is rubbish compared to what we produce. Oh, you gave us hip-hop as well. Thanks for that. We really appreciate it.

But we’re still better than you.

It’s true and we’re going to prove it to you without any trace of irony. Seriously. By the time America reads this list, there’s a very good chance that they’ll take a long look at themselves and seriously consider never making another record ever again. Oh, and you invented country music too. Ta.

Anyway, here’s a completely fair face-off competition which British music slays America.