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It must be hard being Pippa Middleton; trying to be a serious business woman and gallivanting around London, made all the more difficult because everyone knows you for being the one with the arse that stole your sister’s wedding day.
Poor, poor Pippa.
But a tabloid picture editor has come forward and announced that newspapers would be offered around 300 or 400 pictures PER DAY of the fitter Middleton, none of which are of her arse.
Diversify or Die?
Folded
Creased
The birth of any child is a wonderful thing… if of course, by ‘wonderful’, you actually mean ‘remarkably irritating’. See, when someone shunts a child from their middle, we’re supposed to treat it like some kind of miracle. Of course, no-one coos and fawns when someone brings a newborn foal into the office, still covered in amniotic gunk.
Childbirth isn’t any bigger or smarter than any other creature squirting out their shitting offspring. It’s dull and further proof that our future as humans is doomed as each baby grows up to be yet another alcopop drinking div in bad Asda George t-shirts.
When celebrities have babies growing in them, it is of even less relevance to us all, yet still we dribble enthusiastically, poised over our keys to tap out feigned glee to twitter accounts and Facebook fan pages. Victoria Beckham’s imminent idiot is one such example.
When hecklerspray heard the news that Victoria and David Beckham were reportedly coming back to the UK, we all got into the bath in our sticky bedsit and tried to drown each other.
When that didn’t work we even tried to self harm with the jaggy edge off our pot noodle sauce sachet but sadly that failed too and now we’re forced to apply plasters to our hurty bits and find a way to live with this awful news.
So far we’re pretty much sitting in stunned silence which is only broken by the sound of our editor screaming “OH CHRIST! OH JESUS CHRIST NO!!!” like Edward Woodward when his sedatives have worn off.
Political discussions normally crop up late at night when everyone at a party has ran out of booze and needs something to talk about, or your some sort of student pointlessly studying the subject at university.
UK politics inspires to the extent where we want to do nothing more than call anyone involved in a job which, essentially, is nothing but a blame games. Who can lead a successful constituency without a well funded second home and moat full of ducks? Ducks made out of coins probably.
If the economy hasn’t gone belly up, we’re either being told that criminals are getting away with more crimes and the political system becomes more and more elitist due to class and status. Basically, going to a state school will prang your chances of ever running the country. What we need is a refreshing look at the way UK politicians operate. The student protest showed people power does nothing, so what’s our remaining option? Enter our Lady and Saviour, Peaches Geldof.
Okay America – you may have given us rock ‘n’ roll, jazz and punk… but really, you’re not as good as we Brits. Seriously. America is rubbish compared to what we produce. Oh, you gave us hip-hop as well. Thanks for that. We really appreciate it.
But we’re still better than you.
It’s true and we’re going to prove it to you without any trace of irony. Seriously. By the time America reads this list, there’s a very good chance that they’ll take a long look at themselves and seriously consider never making another record ever again. Oh, and you invented country music too. Ta.
Anyway, here’s a completely fair face-off competition which British music slays America.
In a news nugget sure to change the very way we think about humanity itself, Lindsay Lohan has arrived in London to do some stuff.
Hold us back, this could be epoch-making.
Speculation has been mounting that the star of Herbie and, umm… hecklerspray has timed her arrival to coincide with that of former/current were-they-weren’t-they lover/pal/fanny chum Sam Ronson, who is in town to get paid to play a couple of records.
It’s called “DJing”, apparently. Ah well, at least it involves more talent than standing still and managing not to die while being photographed. For money. Which exactly what Lindsay is doing.
So this is it. It’s been a while – a bit too much of a while, according to our weakened mindstate – but we’ve finally profiled all but one of the Eurovision entries this year.
That leaves us with just one to do – for some poxy little island called ‘the UK’ – before our great big Eurovision 2009 liveblog. Tomorrow evening, at 8pm, we’re going to be liveblogging the arse off the Eurovision Song Contest, either until it finishes or until we have a stress-related nosebleed. Don’t bet against the latter. Anyway, our point is this – be there.
So, finally, here is the Eurovision 2009 profile for Jade Ewen from the UK…
