If you ever wanted to see a day when U2 are basically a group of old men repeating themselves time after time, then…

Hey hang on a minute! U2 already are basically a group of old men repeating themselves time after time! Well that’s our opening line buggered up, then. Anyway, if you want to see U2 even more decrepit and creatively strapped than they already are, then you’re in for a treat – U2 are never splitting up. Ever.

It’s true – The Edge said so. And you shouldn’t doubt a man named after a horticultural barrier, because that’d be stupid.

These are testing times for U2. Their new album No Line On The Horizon marks a serious departure for the band, because Bono‘s had his hair cut for it. And that’s risky. Honestly.

People knew where they were with long-hair Bono – uplifting lyrics, songs that all sound like much-worse versions of Where The Streets Have No Name and iPod commercials. But short-hair Bono? Jesus, that’s much worse. That’s songs with no melody, giant glittery lemons and – gulp – artistic exploration. We know. It’s horrifying.

But that’s what No Line On The Horizon is – a short-hair Bono album. That’s why new single Get On Your Boots sounds like an unholy mix of We Didn’t Start The Fire, this song and U2 when nobody liked them. And it’s why people have started speculating about when U2 will split up.

Actually, that’s a gigantic lie. Nobody has started speculating about when U2 will split up, but the News Of The World asked The Edge about it anyway, probably because it was trapped in an awkward social situation with him, and asking about U2 splitting up is marginally more polite than blurting out “Why do you always wear a hat, The Edge? Is it because you’re a BLOODY SLAPHEAD?”. Anyway, this is how The Edge replied:

“If Bono was ever going to leave U2 he would have done it years ago. We’ve got too much music left in us anyway.” Afterwards The Edge — real name DAVID EVANS — spoke about their new album, No Line On The Horizon. “We’re so proud of the latest record,” he beamed. “It’s the best music we’ve ever produced — definitely back to U2’s roots this time.”

Of course Bono’s not going to leave U2. That’d be ludicrous – not only would most employers take a dim view if presented with a CV that included ‘Going “doo doo doo” on an advert for an MP3 player’ and ‘Having a made-up name’ but also, in The Edge and The Other Two, Bono has chanced upon the only three people in the world who don’t feeling like punching him square in the face after a spending a couple of seconds in his company.

So without a split in the foreseeable future, it looks like we’ll all get to look forward to the day where U2′s stage performance involves Bono hobbling about like Old Man Steptoe and… oh, wait, we’ve confused the future with the present again. We did see The Brits last week, after all.

Read more:

No Split On The Horizon – News Of The World

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