U2 - HecklerSpray

Cher Lloyd Is A Monster, According To The Monstrous Louis Walsh

August 24th, 2011 By Michael Park

On hecklerspray, as in life, sometimes it is necessary to choose sides. Sometimes it’s easy and you can choose a party who has been cheated on or lied to and who isn’t acting like an overgrown baby about every little thing.

Then sometimes you just have to choose the lesser of two evils.

When it’s a straight shoot-out between argumentative Kenneth Williams impersonator Louis Walsh and pint-sized “hater” hater and Swagger Jagger inflicter Cher Lloyd the lines become blurred and shades of grey begin to set in. Eventually we just had to be loyal and consider who we’d hated the longest.

Bad News: Bono’s Heart Isn’t Giving Up On Him

August 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Everyone had a really good weekend, looking forward to Monday, in the hope that Saint Bono was actually going to die. It looked odds-on too, as he was rushed into a hospital with a heart so heavy about the plight of the third-world, it could no longer continue.

But alas, like all great news, it was too good to be true as it emerged that there’s pretty much nothing wrong with Bono and that, in fact, he’s made a pact with Jesus Christ Himself to outlive absolutely everyone on Earth, just so he can have the last word.

The prick.

The Edge Pushed Over The Precipice By California Coastal Commission

June 17th, 2011 By Michael Park

Accessory to musical murder U2 guitarist The Edge has been told that his proposed property development would be one of the “worst” things to happen to California in terms of environmental devastation.

The guitarist, famous for making a noise which is primarily effects with a thin, marmalade-like scraping of musical ability, had applied for permission to build a group of mansions near Malibu; the plush hangout of the rich and famous… and U2.

The friend of Bono (the guy who wears the glasses and talks too much)- whose real name is Audley Hedgerow – had made a proposal to construct five mansions overlooking Malibu rejected by the California Coastal Commission. Despite making reassurances that the venture would be environmentally-friendly, The Edge’s plans were rejected out of hand due to its impact on the ecosystem in the area.

Is Beyonce All Set To Liven Up Terminally Turgid Glastonbury Festival With Headline Slot?

February 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The Glastonbury festival is outrageously overrated. Acre upon acre of tree-hugging hummus weavers hump the ground in the hope that they’re near a layline while pink-faced louts in Stone Roses t-shirts consume crates of Stella ’til they fill their tent with urine.

On top of these obviously good vibes, there’s the lakes of silage that surround the portable shit-pits and burgers so expensive that you could buy a small holding full of delicious cows instead. And there’s the obligatory cry of ‘bolllooooocks‘ that soundtracks your evening as the night draws in.

Of course, the music that Glastonbury has is the reason why people go and, year on year, revellers are treated to one of the most conservative billings on the circuit. That’s why utter dross like Coldplay and U2 are consistently linked with headlining slots. However, unbelievably, there might be an act who actually warrant a trip to the fields of litter – BEYONCE!

Anonymous Philanthropists U2 Fund Development Of 2020 Irish Emo Scene

January 18th, 2011 By Si Sharp

The best thing about being super-rich is that, rather than let governments decide how to spend your tax, you can just keep hold of it, then donate some to a groovy cause, whilst getting baskets of praise and verbal fellatio for making a really exciting thing happen.

Imagine a world where we could all do that! We would look dead nice from giving money to AIDS kids, earthquake orphans and publicity-hungry slag animals. Like polar bears. The furry whores.

We wouldn't have to worry about our money helping to provide rehabilitation for murderers and young offenders.

U2 Hint That They’ll Be Headlining The Glastonbury Festival (Earplug Sales Rocket)

October 6th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

It seems apt that jewel encrusted charity muggers, U2 look likely to be headlining the Glastonbury festival this year. Both of these corporations really care about the Earth and poverty, maaaan… despite creating a city’s worth of pollution and showing ghastly displays of wealth every time they roll into town.

Of course, U2 are being coy about it all, as are the Glastonbury organisers. With the latter, we go through this song and dance every year, where they tease everyone with rumours and shrugs about who might play at the festival, before unveiling a staggeringly conservative line-up.

U2 are telling fans to keep an eye out, with manager Paul McGuinness, saying: “We’re certainly excited about our plans for next year. Watch this space!” The band are also advising fans to buy tickets to Glastonbury 2011, despite the fact they have already sold out.

U2 are so rich that you might just puke

July 19th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Tooth-sized phallus, Bono, is probably swimming in his room of coins right now while he waits for The Edge to finish making his 500 ft tribute to Barbara Cartland made out of diamonds, saffron and black printer ink.

Oh, not to mention also having the audacity to expect people like us, who earn about 6 pence an hour, to cough up our meagre incomes into the hands of whichever plight they’ve aligned themselves with when they woke up this morning. And we know Bono & Co. are rich because Forbes have released their rich-list of musicians which, for the most part, is a list of artistes so dull that you might need to staple your eyeholes open just to get through it.

Official: Oprah Winfrey Can Kick Your Arse

June 29th, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

Who?s the most dangerous celebrity? Which fiend of myth wields the most power?

Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Whatever? She's only beaten up one toilet attendant, and that's nothing for a Northern Girl, Cheryl Weedy more like. Russell Crowe? Well, there's his terrible band with the terrible name and he can throw a mean phone, but that's nothing new. Just ask Naomi Campbell.

No, it's none of these monsters of legend – it's Oprah. Oprah has just won the title of ?officially the most powerful celebrity it the world?. And she won it with an elbow takedown in the fifth round, apparently.

Bono’s Knackered Back Means No U2 For Glastonbury

May 26th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Poor old Bono – he can end poverty, but he can’t jig about in front of some muddy idiots for an hour.

It’s Bono’s back. It’s not very well. Everyone had been really excited about seeing U2‘s headlining set at Glastonbury – because if you’re going to spend a weekend developing trench foot surrounded by thousands of hat-wearing bastards and godawful Legal High salesmen in a massive field in the middle of nowhere in a non-stop apocalyptic rainstorm, you may as well go all out and make sure that you have a really crap time – but now Bono has hurt his back and it’s never going to happen.

Incidentally, Bono is said to be heartbroken about cancelling Glastonbury. So that’s his back and his heart buggered up. Let’s go for legs next, please. Legs or nose. Either’s fine.

U2 Set To Bore Festival Goers At Glastonbury

November 25th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Festivals are brilliant. Standing in fields, listening to music out of ropey speakers, complaining about being covered in mud and spending ?10 on organic hemp burgers. Perfect.

What you want for your money is a magical experience where you get to enjoy bands you like, discover weird stuff like Brazilians who compose songs off radiators and occasionally get off your face on booze. Glastonbury 2010 should theoretically be one of the best festivals of all time. Why? Because it's the 40th anniversary of the festival. Shame it's going to be ruined by U2.

Well we say, U2. We mean Bono.