If you want to have a quick laugh, look at all the Mariah Carey headlines on Google News at the moment.
One says ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’. Another says ‘Mariah Carey pregnant?’. The one after that says ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’ again. It’s a nice mixture of certainty and cluelessness, like watching a puppy bat its paw at a scorpion. For the record, we couldn’t decide whether to go with ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant!’ or ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant?’ so we’re going to go with ‘Mariah Carey Pregnant?!?!’, even though it makes us sound vaguely astonished at the fact that Mariah Carey even has a functioning womb.
Anyway, is Mariah Carey pregnant? Oh, God knows. Haven’t you people got better things to worry about? Jesus.
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Two big new movie releases this week. One was Date Night – a film that combines the superlative comic talents of Steve Carell and Tina Fey.
The other was Letters To God. Letters To God describes itself as ‘a heartfelt tale of inspiration, hope and redemption’, features a cancer patient writing things like “Dear God, can you see the stars from heaven?” from the roof of his house, has a trailer that mentions God at least four times a minute and which has inspired YouTube comments such as “my opinion is, God is an awesome God! And the only God!”. So which film triumphed at the weekend box office this week?
Date Night, obviously. Letters To God didn’t even make the top five. Seriously, it sounds rubbish.
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Good old Tyler Perry. There genuinely isn’t a traditional box office lull that he isn’t ready to plug with one of his awful films.
This time it’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself. Or, to be more accurate, Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself. He adds his name to everything you see, just so audiences can be certain that they’re watching genuine Tyler Perry mawkish, unfunny, boring, Chicken Soup For The Soul-esque dreary codswallop instead of an inferior imitation.
Anyway, that’s the weekend box office number one. So it’s true – there really are that many idiots in America.
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The Jonas Brothers are a genuine sensation – in all seriousness, they might just be the biggest act on Earth.
And the Jonas Brothers had a film out on Friday. So what’s the number one movie at the weekend box office this week? You guessed it – it’s Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail.
Poor old the Jonas Brothers – they weren’t really supposed to be beaten by a man dressed as a fat old lady for another decade until their success waned and they developed drug habits that opened them up to a world of mind-bending transsexual S&M. Those lucky Jonas Brothers.
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They say that Oscar weekend is the perfect time to sneak out obviously terrible movies, but that can’t be true.
Because Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail is the new weekend box office number and that absolutely isn’t an obviously terri… no, hang on. Madea Goes To Jail is a prison film about a man in a female fat suit, isn’t it? OK, we take it back.
So Madea Goes To Jail won’t win any Oscars, but at least it’s the best ever movie about a black man in a female fat suit. Or the fifth best. Oh, forget it.
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