When hecklerspray do reviews, it’s usually of a national institution like the X Factor, The Apprentice or Nick Knowles Dusts The Natural History Museum. It’s very rare for us to see something on television and write about it unless it’s likely to spawn pseudo-celebrity targets for us. Why is that? We’re not a TV website.

It’s pretty much as simple as that.

Still, that brings us around neatly to Comedy Central’s brand new situation comedy Threesome which starts next week on the channel which actively encourages “Two & A Half Men”. Still, let’s not hold that against Threesome, which is the very first British sitcom to be commissioned by the channel.

Or should we? Let’s face it. A channel that bases so much of its daily programming in repeats of Two & A Half Men and the second worst sitcom ever made (Everybody Loves Raymond) surely won’t be able to make a sitcom that’s passable as anything more than a “cheap Coupling” or a “rotten Outnumbered”, so why should we provide them with any platform for their terrible programming decisions.

And yet… it was Comedy Central’s US parent that brought back Futurama.

Swings and roundabouts.

So now that the argument of bias against the network is neatly packed up into Charlie Sheen’s coke-case and dispatched to a forgotten part of the Colombian rainforest, what of Threesome? Does it stand up against the usual, painfully unfunny dross that spews forth from the urethra of British television channels like televisual kidney failure?

Yes, it does.

That is to say, it’s actually quite good. It’s sometimes easy to write off small group comedies as being a format that’s almost impossible to find new direction in but Threesome takes one night of drug-sodden lust and makes it the basis for a witty comedy which is both intelligent and utterly juvenile in equal measure.Ha

Having three 29 year olds living a life that is often the staple of this kind of comedy is a risk in the first place. The urge to switch off before even getting to five minutes is strong as you watch Richie, Alice and Mitch bounce around their lives like MDMA-riddled spinning tops, alternating between hungover and absolutely off their tits like a grown-up version of Skins. Quite literally on acid.

In saying that, the rapid characterisation of the first third of the show is a calculated risk in a show where one needs to make an almost instant connection to the characters. There’s no building up a like of the three friends. If you can’t find anything remotely likeable in them after ten minutes then turn off, go and make yourself a cup of tea and then tweet about how there aren’t any good British comedies any more while you pick flecked tissue out of your nose.

Given that the press shots ruin one of the few surprises in the show, prepare yourself for a spoiler. It’s a pregnancy story. The real question will be, after a strong first episode, will the characters fall into ‘comedy pregnancy’ stereotypes and lose their way in jokes about breastfeeding and Epidurals. The hope is that they won’t but the danger looms, omnipresent in every word of the last five minutes of the first episode and leaves the viewer praying that Threesome doesn’t end up shitting its undoubted potential up the wall.

The fact is that despite the accelerated characterisation and seeming flippancy of one of the most important events in the series, Threesome is a diverting half hour. It’s well shot, doesn’t rely on a laughter track and is well paced, not trying to cram too many jokes into a half hour and letting the situations provide the humour. Look out for Mitch going the wrong way up an escalator to see what we mean.

You can have a watch of episode one before its premiere on Comedy Central and decide for yourself. You don’t even have to have Sky. Which is nice.

Here’s some clips of the show:

No eye contact, no cock touching

Putting up flatpack furniture on drugs

America. Bless you for the insanely good things you’ve given the world. Muscle cars, hamburger joints, rock ‘n’ roll and television will always be your crowning glory and us Limeys will forever be in your debt.

However, your taste in television shows is awful. From a country (nay, virtual continent) that gave us Taxi, The Simpsons, M*A*S*H, Roots, Ren & Stimpy, The Muppet Show and more, what in Christ’s name are you doing frittering away your time with dross like Two And A Half Men?

Seriously. What’s with liking Two And A Half Men so much that it breaks network records? Eh? And don’t think we haven’t noticed how much you enjoy the unswerving dreck of The Big Bang Theory.

For some inexplicable reason, 28.74 million Americans tuned in to watch last night’s season premiere of Two And A Half Men.

Of course, there was a fair amount of curiosity surrounding the show because Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, was killed off, replaced by a soaking wet Ashton Kutcher. Nearly 29 million people actively stopped doing something to settle down with one of the worst TV shows ever aired.

The AV Club report that, aside from a few post-Super Bowl specials and couple of event programmes, last night’s …Men was one of highest rated scripted shows, ever. Ever, ever, ever. By the close of the show, audience figures grew to 30 million.

That’s lazy laughs from vaguely dirty jokes and a cast that is as dead behind the eyes as the Sheen which exited the show in such spectacular fashion.

Two And A Half Men is the kinda show that feels like a nursing home for misogynistic comedy, where we see three men resenting each other, filmed before a live laugh-track. Of course, some people love shows like this. They’re so insultingly one-dimensional and old-fashioned that they slip on like a comfortable pair of old socks.

But these rat-a-tat comedies keep gurgling out of America. Look at the irksome How I Met Your Mother fercryinoutloud! The aforementioned Big Bang… which has a running joke of Look How The Indian Character Talks Funny.

In Blighty, we air these shows in the mornings or tucked away on bit-part channels like E4. That’s the home for this dull-ass gag attacks. That’s not to say we’ve not been infected by this lowest common denominator comedy. My Family is written by an American style team of writers and, regrettably, The Inbetweeners is also ploughing the line of misogynistic nose-bag that everyone so loved in the ’70s.

All the mentioned shows employ a tactic of throwing as much as possible at a viewer and seeing what sticks. Effectively, it’s like standing before a muck spreader and waiting to be hit by a diamond.

Alas, with a huge chunk of America’s TV population tuning in for the new Two And A Half Men, you can’t but feel like they’ve invited it. The United States gets what it wants and, in this instance, the Ashton Kutcher they deserve.

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For all the misery that Charlie Sheen has put us through since his wheeze of Being A Nutter got tired, we’ve all been waiting for some comeback. We kinda hoped he’d OD on bad drugs surrounded by prostitutes rifling his pockets, but alas, it wasn’t to be.

In fact, since Chuck Sheeno knocked the drugs on the head, the best he’s offered is a stupid custody case which is less interesting as watching nana trying to work a television remote.

However, we might get to see his uncomfortable face grinning while he masks the stabbing pain of being torn eight new arseholes as it transpires he’ll be subject to one of those fine American institutions – The Comedy Roast.

Of course, this will be Sheen’s first proper appearance on the idiot lantern since CBS hilariously fired him from the laugh-vacuum that is Two and a Half Men. Interestingly enough, the roasted on Comedy Central will air at the same time the new series of Two and a Half Men kicks off, starring the equally laughless Ashton Kutcher.

Sheen says, with his trademark lack of irony:

“You could say I’ve been providing kindling for this roast for a while. It’s time to light it up. It’s going to be epic.”

Naturally, his stupid life is comedy gold for any comedian who wants to crush someone’s spirit right before our very eyes. There’s drugs, legal troubles, punching chandeliers, his haggard face, making porn stars cry, infidelity, his lack of career and absence of talent to have a pop at. Better still, in an attempt to seem ‘cool with it all’, Sheen will invariably encourage the comedians to go all in, saying that nothing is off limits.

We hope someone goes for the whole ‘Overcompensating for a small dick’ skit at some point. Lazy as hell, sure, but it’ll wound him and he’ll probably start crying before getting it out before everyone while the hall echoes with mocking laughter.

However, there’s already trouble brewing. Sources close to Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller, say that she wants her name “completely off-limits” when The Warlock gets roasted to within an inch of his life. And she could well be backed up by the law on this.

In the divorce settlement, Charlie has promised to never publicly discuss her drug use… which of course, he won’t stop because he’s a thoughtless, attention-seeking, emotional-cripple.

This is going to be so toe-curling that the whole world may end up with a clubfoot.

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Charlie Sheen was once the talk of the town. He enchanted us all with his spectacular nervous breakdown, his drug taking, his fondness for pornography, his punching of chandeliers and his inventing of various phrases. However, he went off quicker than an opened yoghurt.

Still, we left Sheeno with his custody case with Brooke Mueller and his many girlfriends (or ‘Goddesses’ as he preferred), so while we mocked his slope away from the limelight, he still seemed to have an enviable, if brain-rotting life.

Or not, as it transpires. See, these days, since no-one really gives two shits about Charlie Sheen (he’s clean of drugs now, thereby, he’s as boring as Robert Pattinson), those that enjoyed sharing his limelight have decided to walk away from him. He’s no longer eccentric and famous, rather, he’s just a weirdo now. And long gone are his goddesses as Charlie now find himself horrible single and invariably rummaging around trying to find his dealer’s phone number again.

The lamest warlock who ever lived has just watched his last remaining goddess wave ta-ta to him, leaving him with a life of weeping into microwaveable chilli con carne meals.

Natalie Kenly moved out last week, which saw Sheen being typically dickish about it, saying

“it’s not a common thing for the Masheen!”

He then  went about ‘declaring war on the entire world’ with his penis, ‘conquering’ three women from three different countries (if you’re wondering which, the invaded countries were Mexico, Australia, and Colombia). He didn’t exactly wait for Kenly to get out of the house in time either, which is incredibly kind of him.

Still, at least he has the hope that, perhaps one day, all the trouble that surrounded his exit from Two And A Half Men may be forgotten, allowing him to return to the show, humbled and ready for work.

Or not.

Sadly for Sheen, his character is going to meet a very violent end. It seems that the writers of the show are looking at Chef’s sticky end in South Park for inspiration. They don’t just want to kill the character off, but rather, humiliate Charlie Sheen in the process.

We like the idea of Sheen’s character dying of venereal diseases from having sex with too many women. It isn’t out of the question either because rumour has it that the writers are looking at taking something from Sheen’s life and sticking it into the show. A while ago, Sheen’s car was found in a ravine, with him umming that it was nothing to do with him. His character could well die in a car crash from a cliff, according to sources.

Next week: We feel kinda bad for mocking Sheen as he overdoses on prescription medicine.

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As well you know, Ashton Kutcher is a oddly hairlined berk. He’s managed to make a career out of… well… playing himself. Which is notably, a dunderhead with a six pack and blank look on his head.

Still, at least he’s aware of this. How?

Well, the pro-goofball – who was recently announced as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on Two And A Half Men – says that his landing the role ‘feels like winning the lottery’. As you know, the lottery is a game of chance which showers someone with vast fortune despite them not having ever really earned it. Nice of him to underline how unfair the world can be for us all.

Ashton says, while probably thinking about how funny dogs are when they run around and that…

‘I’ve never probably in my 13 years in show business received more phone calls and e-mails from people congratulating me on this job’

It would appear that everyone is glad to see the back of Charlie Sheen. Is Ashton Kutcher responsible for the ding dong death of the terrible meme witch? Either way, Kutcher wants to talk more, because he’s selfish and overpaid.

‘You’d almost think I won the lottery or something, which I kind of did.

‘I’ve got the best job in showbusiness, and I am ecstatic about that.’

When he says ‘best job’ he means, ‘MAN ALIVE! There’s people willing to pay me $1million per episode for essentially turning up and playing myself! This is what it must be like to be Goldie Hawn or something!‘

Either way, Kutcher is probably a pleasant enough chap who doesn’t make women cry and fear for their lives while bleating on about how much coke he can toot while talking about women as if they’re goddesses, all the while demeaning them and yelling about WINNING and the like.

In short, while Kutcher is as annoying as a papercut on your eyelid, the cast and crew of Two And A Half Men will be thrilled that he’s not that Sheen dickhead.

Not yet at least…

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After rumours floated around the slebphere that Hugh Grant was to take over Charlie Sheen’s role on Two And A Half Men (ostensibly, The Famous One On The Show), everyone scratched their heads and muttered about how little sense it made. Surely a programme like that needs someone more irritating than Hugh Grant?

Well, it seemed impossible, but CBS are weighing up an actor who is roughly a million times more grating than Charlie Sheen… and this actor can grind your gears without being a dead-eyed junky!

That’s right folks, the only man on Earth more irritating than Charlie Sheen is Ashton Kutcher (the stepson of 83 year old Demi Moore) has reportedly signed a deal to join the cast of the woeful sitcom when it returns for a ninth season.

Hugh Grant apparently pulled out of negotiations after citing the old chestnut of “creative differences”, paving the way for the oddly hairlined Kutcher to wobbly into view, gurning at everyone and tittering like an old dog with a brain tumour.

In typically desperately wacky style, Kutcher hinted on Twitter about the gig, saying:

“What’s the square root of 6.25?”. The answer is two and a half.”

Of course, you’ll remember Kutcher from his American version of Beadle’s About, Punk’d, as well as his excruciating to the point of getting clubfoot role as a dunderhead stoner in the miserable That ’70s Show. Mercifully, his movie career has been less successful.

Yet, the oddest thing is this whole sorry tale is that Two And A Half Men is the most watched show on American television which should fill everyone with blood-freezing dread.

These Americans are the leaders of the free-world… and they’re producing and watching this catpiss?

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Hugh ‘It’s All About The Twiglets’ Grant is, and take this with a whole lake of salt, apparently being touted as a replacement for Charlie Sheen in the abjectly awful and heavingly unfunny Two and a Half Men.

It would appear that the actor-turned-paparazzi snitch started to be courted around a month ago by CBS boss Les Moonves and President Nina Tassler, knowing that, for some reason, Americans just can’t get enough of posh Englishmen pratfalling and pulling worried faces constantly.

And, the good news for Grant is that, even if he stint only lasts for one season and he hates working on an American sitcom, he’ll be able to comfort himself with a cheque for $1 million. Per episode. Even more baffling is that Charlie Sheen was getting more than that per episode when he was on the show. With $1.25 million per show, it is hardly surprising he could buy suitcases filled with weapons grade cocaine when it took his fancy.

Of course, Hugh isn’t the only person the studio are looking at.

Reports have linked Woody Harrelson, someone called Jeremy Piven and Rob Lowe to the Sheen shaped hole in the programme. However, it would appear that it is Hugh Grant that they’ve got their heart set on.

This will all be good news for the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre, who will want to work with someone who, essentially, isn’t Charlie Sheen. Basically, he’ll be thrilled at working with someone who doesn’t need 24 hours a day of babysitting and pats on the back in return for unending abuse and glassy, hallowed out eye sockets.

Still, we shouldn’t feel sorry for Lorre because he’s subjected the world to the spectacularly woeful The Big Bang Theory and we shouldn’t ever forget that.

Naturally, if Hugh gets to replace Sheen, we’ll have to draw comparisons with the two as they’ve both got a thing for mucky, hired sex. Remember when he and prostitute Divine Brown were arrested on lewd conduct charges? Those mugshots still adorn the hecklerspray hovel walls.

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Does anyone remember Charlie Sheen? We’ve not heard much from him since he starred in Hot Shots Part Deux. Is he alright? He’s not getting up to mischief is he? Of course he is. He’s currently the world’s most successful berk.

When Sheeno is not punching furniture, hoovering up bad drugs up his rapidly eroding nose holes, frightening women to tears in wardrobes and making outlandish claims about winning, he’s been the star of the very, very ordinary Two and a Half Men.

He got the chop from that after he called his old boss some lame names and everyone stared at him, effectively waiting for him to die while sandwiched between to listless porn actresses who were playing along with Sheen and enjoying the fleeting fame. And now, as the world yawns at each snippet of devalued gossip, it appears Charlie may be making a return to the sitcom.

That’s right! The in-no-way-tedious-news is that he could well be getting his Two And A Half Men job back, despite his increasingly forced odd behaviour and public slap fight with show executive Chuck Lorre.

Jeff Rossen of NBC News, who is obviously a man who knows absolutely everything (seriously, tweet him any question and he’ll answer it, no matter how ridiculous), reckons that Sheen will be offered his old job back by CBS who, presumably, are delighted at the amount of times the show’s name has been mention while everyone is on Sheen Deathwatch.

Writing at Twitter.com/jeffrossen:

“Sources close to Charlie Sheen tell NBC News, CBS has offered him his job back. Discussions ongoing. Not a done deal.”

“Per my sources: CBS is happy to to have Charlie Sheen back on show… if Warner Bros, Chuck Lorre and Sheen can settle differences.”

That’s an easy one to swing. Give him a suitcase full of coke, a machine to restart his heart and a couple of women with destroyed baby holes and he’ll sign up.

Betcha.

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Cultural spambot Charlie Sheen is looking increasingly like a walking corpse, with his gaunt face and hollowed out eye sockets. He’d be great in the role of the demon who subliminally appears in the Exorcist wouldn’t he?

Anyway, while everyone waits for his untimely death, Sheeno is defying the reaper time and time again.

And it isn’t by #winning or #tigerblood. Rather, he gets a little help from his friends who preempt his overdoses with bags filled with nitroglycerin tablets.

According to people who aren’t us, namely, ‘sources’, the Hot Shots! actor has apparently had four different overdoses since October.

These sources say that he’s only alive thanks to having quick thinking buddies and the small matter that he actually plans for his ODing sessions so we don’t end up with a Michael Jackson emergency.

The now incredibly irritating self-styled warlock is so unhinged and shit-scared of his own demise that he’s stocked up on nitroglycerin pills on the off-chance he has a massive, fatal heart-attack.

WINNING!

Basically, that means that, when he feels like his heart rate is dropping, he pops some nitroglycerin like Tic Tacs. Thanks to his penchant for suitcases of cocaine, he now leads a life that is akin to someone constantly drinking cocktails of blended Mars Bars and Bonjela.

However, on four occasions, its reported that Charlie couldn’t get the pills under his tongue in good time, leaving him on the floor for his friends to find.

He was found

” on the floor, sweating bullets… going in and out of consciousness.”

The insider continues:

“Charlie’s very good at beating the system. The question is how long he’ll be able to play his deadly game.”

Oh, just hurry up and die wouldya?

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Winning. Currently the most irritating world in the world. It’s up there with those living memes like those awful Budweiser frogs and people saying “Yeah Baby!” like Austin Powers. Winning winning winning winning winning winning winning winning winning winaaaaargh! AAARGH! AAAAAAUUUUUURGH!

The word has lost all sense of meaning. It truly has. If you say it over and over, it becomes a nonsense, much like the sound of Charlie Sheen’s rhetoric where he talks up his own midlife crisis. He’s not ‘winning’. He’s quite clearly ‘breaking’.

And yet, we all encourage him because there’s nothing we like more than someone unravelling like a cheap ball of wool substitute. Now, there’s 74,000 of you actively encouraging him to go furthermore mental by applying to be his employer. That’s right. 74,000 members of our failing species have applied for the ‘Tiger Blood intern’ role.

Of course, no scientist has come forward yet to actually do something worthwhile and actually find out if drinking the blood of an endangered species is actually very good for a human. If Charlie Sheen is the poster boy for slurping down giant cat blood, then we fear that the result is akin to getting the bends of the brain.

Still, there’s nothing like having a boss that’s more unhinged than a room of tittering houseflies, is there?

The job description stated:

‘Do you have #TigerBlood? Are you all about #Winning?

‘Can you #PlanBetter than anyone else? If so, we want you on #TeamSheen as our social media #TigerBloodIntern!’

For the most part, ‘winning’ seems to be not being able to see your children because you’re barking mad, losing your job and watching your girlfriend walk out on you. If that’s ‘winning’, then half of the housing estates in Britain are ‘winning’.

And Sheen, now possessing a voice more omnipotent that the TVs in our houses, continues to pollute the airwaves with his garbled Sheenspeak, liable to wander off into war-jargon and sports analogies.

He conducted an interview while breathing heavily, running on a treadmill. Mercifully, there were some sycophantic shites on-hand to lap up his every word and tickle his clearly fragile ego in the hope that the spotlight currently cast upon the former Two and a Half Men actor may briefly shine on them also.

And to his detractors? Sheen has a simple solution. He wants to punch them repeatedly. That’s right, Celebrity Rehab’s Dr Drew Pinsky (who?) has branded the actor ‘unstable’, so Sheen proved how stable he is by challenging him to a boxing match.

BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT SMART PEOPLE DO, OBVIOUSLY.

While Sheen is always on-hand to deliver his asides, which in his mind, sound like the speed-fuelled witticisms of Hunter S. Thompson (the reality, he sounds a bit like a gibbering idiot on a bus spouting off about conspiracy theories), he’s not so good at answering two-footed tackle probings.

When asked about a reel of footage which Warner Bros. has (apparently) put together, which shows Sheen fluffing lines and generally being a bit incompetent, Sheen’s prone to being a bit hazy.

“I say poppycock. Is that the best they’ve got. Wow. Burial – losing – sizzle – bye.”

While Sheen’s TV days seem to be behind him (unless some nincompoop offers him a talk show or reality show of some kind), alas, his days of flooding the internet with himself are not.

One day, this’ll all be remembered in a I Love 2011 show with bad comedians reading from pre-prepared notes saying “Tiger blood! What was THAT all about?”

We only have ourselves to blame.

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We’re sure that everyone involved in the making of the criminally awful and unremarkable Two and a Half Men aren’t remotely bitter about what’s happened with Charlie Sheen.

We’re also pretty certain that the fact they want to carry on the show without him was a tough, heartbreaking decision they didn’t come to lightly.

But most of all we’re completely convinced that by considering and offering the role to a better looking, more talented, less sweaty and most importantly MORE IMPRESSIVE CELEBRITY SHAGGER, namely Rob Lowe, will not irk Charlie Sheen to the point where his head literally blows up like that baddie in Big Trouble in Little China.

Yes Hollywood bosses want  chin-tastic Rob Lowe to take over from Chuck ‘I messed this up big time’ Sheen and play the smug  jingle writing brother of Duckie from Pretty in Pink and of course the uncle of that fat kid who’s name we didn’t bother googling.

Ah…Rob Lowe.

You may remember Rob Lowe from such movies as Wayne’s World and The Outsiders. Or perhaps from TV shows like The West Wing and Californication. No? Well we’re sure you’ll remember that he was once in an underage girl and her mate in a Paris hotel room and cleverly taped it all before going to rehab and pretending to therapists he didn’t want to shag everything that moved anymore.

Well, until his nanny claimed that he’d been waving his penis around in her general direction and everyone went to court to shout at each other.

But we don’t care really. We like Rob Lowe and we kind of like the fact that Two and a Half Men is destined to be a sex fiend sitcom, where the main character can obviously only be played by someone who’s had the police at their door after sexy time.

Rob Lowe is essentially much cooler than Mr Sheen and everyone, including machete boy will also be aware of this. We are rather excited to see how the little mentalist reacts to the news.

Very publicly we hope.

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The all talking and stumbling real life meme, Charlie Sheen has been so omnipotent in the press lately that, sadly for him, he’s probably starting to think he’s the God we sarcastically said he was months ago.

Naturally, this will lead to either an inevitable return to obscurity or a premature death. The former is more likely, the latter will no doubt make him some kind of flash in the pan celebrity martyr where onlookers effectively willed him to jump from the ledge because we had nothing better to do than goad a mentally ill man.

And we nearly got our chance to literally hoot him to the ground as, after being fired from the dismal Two And A Half Men, Sheen celebrated his new found freedom (aka P45) by climbing on top of an office building, wielding a machete and drinking out of a bottle. Tiger blood, it seems, isn’t very useful for making a human run correctly (it’s great for t-shirt slogans though).

So, Sheen who recently put his own rambling talk show (him talking to himself mainly – his favourite type of interview no doubt) online, decided to celebrate his sacking by climbing to the top of the Live Nation building in Beverly Hills while thrashing a machete around and swigging win juice or something equally irksome.

When asked what he was planning to do next, Sheen didn’t shout ‘I’M GOING TO THROW MYSELF TO THE GROUND BUT I SHALL SURVIVE BECAUSE I’M MADE OUT OF REINFORCED GNARLY WINNINGTON!’, but rather, yelled:

“I ain’t gonna go to f—ing Disneyland, I’ll tell you that much.”

Useful information. We imagine the list of places that Sheen isn’t planning on visiting is an extensive one, so we’re pleased that he managed to keep it down to just the one location.

Once he’d been talked off the ledge, Sheen was asked if he was excited about being released from his contract.

“Let me just say, free at last, free at last”

And Sheen still wants to sue Warner Bros. over his termination.

Jesus wept.

He was less embarrassing when he was beating up furniture and hoovering up suitcases of weapons grade cocaine and giving himself a hernia while making his ex-wife cry.

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We briefly interrupt our carpet mockery of Mel Gibson to bring you news of another obnoxious violent drunk.

It’s Charlie Sheen! Remember Christmas Day? When Charlie Sheen decided that nothing would be more festive than to drunkenly threaten to kill his crack-addicted wife with a knife? It all seems so long ago, but the case finally reached court yesterday – and Charlie Sheen pleaded guilty.

Obviously a serious crime like this comes with a heavy penalty, which is why Charlie Sheen was yesterday sentenced to 30 days in jail. And then told that he could serve the term in a rehab instead. And then told that, since he’d already been to rehab once this year, he’d only have to spend a few days in rehab at best. Yup, that sure told Charlie Sheen.

There’s no doubting Charlie Sheen’s value as a celebrity. Yes, he gets paid an obscene amount of money to make his awful sitcom, but for that money producers are getting someone with an alcohol problem, limited acting ability, an uncomfortable attitude towards women, a constant need for rehab and a criminal record. Separately they’d need to hire Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan just to fill a portion of that quota. Value for money, that’s what he is.

And yesterday Charlie Sheen just became even better value. That’s because, despite admitting in court that he pinned his wife to a bed, held a switchblade to her neck and threatened to have her killed on Christmas Day last year, Charlie Sheen avoided jail. This is because a) his felony charge was downgraded to misdemeanour third-degree assault in exchange for his guilty plea, b) the judge thought that Charlie would learn more from rehab than from a jail sentence and c) everyone involved in this court case, on some level or another, messed up spectacularly.

But anyway, CNN reports:

Charlie Sheen’s plea deal to resolve felony domestic violence charges in Aspen, Colorado, will allow the actor to serve his jail term at a Malibu, California, rehab center, his lawyer said Monday. The 30-day jail sentence could be completed quickly since the judge will count time the actor spent at the same rehab facility — Promises of Malibu — earlier this year.

So, in a nutshell, Charlie Sheen has not only avoided jail but his sentence has been cut drastically because he already goes to rehab quite a bit anyway. And this means, tragically, that he’ll be able to continue making Two And A Half Men. Which is completely unfair – now we’re the ones being punished for the judge’s leniency.

Seriously, what does Charlie Sheen have to do before someone stops him from making Two And A Half Men? Does he literally have to kill an old lady and eat her heart in the street? Because, if it meant no more Two And A Half Men, we’d be totally cool with that. Priorities.

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It all looked so simple last week – Charlie Sheen would plead no contest to attacking his wife on Christmas day.

And he’d go to jail. Not for a particularly long time, you understand. 30 days, tops – half if he behaved himself. What could be simpler than that? However, something appears to have gone wrong. Charlie Sheen hasn’t gone to jail yet. He hasn’t even pleaded no contest to his charges. So what’s going on?

According to reports, Charlie Sheen’s lawyers have apparently hit a ‘snag’ and they need more time to work out an agreement. And now everything’s been postponed until next month. We’re not sure what that means for Two And A Half Men, although if it means they can’t make any new shows for a while, we’re all for it. Hooray for the legal system!

Weird how things work out, isn’t it? Chris Brown gets arrested for hitting a woman, escapes with community service and sees his career destroyed forever. Charlie Sheen gets arrested for hitting a woman, looks set to go to prison for an entire month as a best-case scenario and he’s still allowed to make his stupid TV show.

That’s assuming that Charlie Sheen does go to prison. Last week it seemed certain that he would – reports confidently claimed that he’d plead no contest to beating up his wife on Christmas day, so long as prosecutors forgot about the bit where he allegedly held a knife to her throat and threatened to kill her, and he’d spend 30 days in jail as a result.

But now? God knows. People reports:

Charlie Sheen’s expected sentencing to 30 days in jail and work duty at a community theater was postponed Monday, with a new hearing now set for July 12 in an Aspen court to resolve the actor’s domestic violence case. ”We’ve hit a snag,” Pitken County District Attorney Arnold Mordkin said.

So what does that mean, exactly? Here are three possibilities:

1 - Charlie Sheen may have backed out of the plea deal. This means that, while he may end up avoiding jail altogether, he might get saddled with a much longer sentence as a result.

2 – Charlie Sheen’s lawyers are arguing over the details of the plea deal. So, for instance, while it’s thought that his sentence will include a stint of community service working at an Aspen theatre, it’s possible that Charlie will only do it if he’s wearing his special fake moustache on the basis that the ladies love it.

3 - Something else that has nothing to do with either of those two things whatsoever. We’re not lawyers, you know. We really can’t make that clear enough.

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After all the troubles he’s been through lately, we expected that Charlie Sheen would want to hide away for a while.

Actually, that’s a lie. We were hoping that Charlie Sheen would want to hide away for a while, preferably in a sealed shipping container , purely because it would stop him from renewing his Two And A Half Men contract. But no, that would have been too easy. Instead, despite spending the last few months hinting that he was planning to leave the sitcom, Charlie Sheen has signed up for two more awful years.

Now you may be thinking that, since Angus T Jones will be 18 by the end of those two years, Two And A Half Men will need to change its name. That’s unless the script calls for Charlie Sheen to be sliced in half during a tragic industrial accident. We’re just saying.

Of all the things that Charlie Sheen has allegedly done over the last few months – from threatening to kill his wife at knifepoint, to using his wife’s rumoured crack addiction as an alibi, to visiting prostitutes in a silly fake moustache – this is undoubtedly the most evil of the lot.

Because, really, how dare he? How dare Charlie Sheen spend months openly telling reporters that he wants to leave Two And A Half Men, only to not actually leave Two And A Half Men? Who does he think he is? All of our dreams about the bright and joyful new world where Charlie Sheen isn’t paid millions of dollars to glumly murmur a succession of half-baked sub-jokes on a sofa, shattered in an instant. Seriously, what a bastard. People reports:

After publicly considering leaving Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen has agreed to return to the hit sitcom for two more years. “To put a fitting end on the two and one-half months of whirlwind speculation, I’m looking forward to returning to my CBS home on Monday nights,” Sheen says in a statement.

Well, no. If Charlie Sheen really wanted to put a fitting end to the speculation, then he should have put a false moustache on and shagged the speculation behind his wife’s back or something. That would have been fitting. Releasing a witless 27-word statement is just kind of boring.

Of course, if Charlie Sheen did leave Two And A Half Men, it would have been a disaster for the show. Would producers have cancelled the show altogether, or recast the part, or re-title it One And A Half Men and make the first episode about Jon Cryer‘s hilarious attempts to hide Uncle Charlie’s drug, booze, sex and violence shame from his fat little son? Maybe we’ll never know.

Still, at least Charlie Sheen has given the writers a bundle of material to work with now that he’s committed to the future of the show. We can’t wait for the episode where Charlie goes on an uproariously ill-considered Christmas vacation with a crack addict who Charlie eventually threatens to kill with a knife because he’s too drunk to really know what he’s doing. Oh come it, it’d be much funnier than Two And A Half Men usually is.

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