Piers Morgan, the ever lovable former Daily Mirror editor and man for whom the word smarmy was invented, certainly has gotten his large, soiled knickers in a twist of late.

We’re not even half way through the week and he’s already attempted to take some cheap shots at 2 people who are infinitely more famous and loved than him.

It’s the equivalent of the school weed slagging off the popular kids because they won’t invite him to their fancy pool parties when their parents go to Tuscany for the weekend.

On Monday, Morgan went on Chelsea Lately, one of the billions of late night talk shows more popular than his own in the States, to have a pop at Madonna, claiming that the baby catcher’s Super Bowl performance was akin to that of, “a gruesome drunken Aunt.”

TAKE THAT MADONNA! You just got served. Piers Morgan, a man who will struggle to get the same amount of viewers all year that you got during your brief Super Bowl half-time show, just told you how it went down!

Why don’t you start acting your age and visit a W.I. meeting once in a while, huh!?

After dispatching of her Madgesty, Piers pointed his pistol of perfunctory towards former footballer, Match of the Day presenter and UN ambassador for crisps, Gary Lineker.

Morgan decided to brag to the former Spurs star about a review he got in the San Fransisco Chronicle, praising his talents as a football pundit on Fox TV. Lineker went on to question how long Morgan had spent searching for that, lone, positive review, to which Morgan replied, one can only assume with a look of post-mastubatory smugness plastered across his sweaty brow:

“I currently air in 200 countries/territories – how you getting on? #SmallPondMinnow”

Despite forgetting to mention that even though he’s aired in 200 territories, he still only draws a crowd of about 6, Morgan mopped the mix of bile and man lather from his keyboard and went to make a cup of tea, safe in the knowledge that he’d given Gary Lineker, ‘a Madonna.’

But our Gary isn’t Madonna, he doesn’t take things lying down, or from Malawi, he rebutted Morgan’s smugspunk with this:

“I think the 2 world cups I played in probably edged that.”

BAM! He had Morgan on the ropes, but wasn’t finished yet, fearing Morgan could possibly steal his presenting gig, Salt and Lineker wound up and struck the final, devastating blow to Morgan’s inflated ego:

“Spoke to the powers that be at the BBC and they are very interested in you… staying in America”

He may work for Walkers, but Lineker is definitely the Real McCoy.

Sorry.

Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.

One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.

No, honestly.

Kylie (real name Jason Donovan) took to twitter (aka The confession booth for the rich and famous) to tell all her followers about the abuse she had suffered, calling her stalker a “weirdo” and adding that she had alerted the police about their  tweets.

Kylie – who irritatingly calls all of her fans ‘lovers’ after she’d noticed Lady GaGa had come up with a specific nickname for all her fans – posted on her official page:

“I love 1,033,861 of you LOVERS, but 1 is not a lover, just a deluded weirdo making threats #andthatdoesnotmakeyouspecial So…police alerted.”

In fairness to the mental one, calling the police on them DOES make them special. If they weren’t getting special treatment, you’d be phoning the police about all your fans, right Kylie?

Naturally, Minogue’s Lovers were mobilised enough to then retweet her message in some kind of pointless support, with one writing:

“I hope whoever’s threatening @kylieminogue knows there’s more than 1,000,000 of us ready to jump to her defence.”

WHAT WILL THEY DO? Set up a nasty Tumblr?! Seethe through a hashtag? Stomp around their living rooms for a bit shouting at the ether? Listen to ‘Spinning Around’ REALLY LOUDLY?

Honestly. If Kylie had an army, it would be under 5ft tall and all sickly and thin, reeking of poppers and microwavable pizzas.

Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution.

The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv.

But no, we really appreciate the hard grievous labour of the world of work. Well, we were like that, until we logged on to Twitter, and were immediately diagnosed with the mostly symptomless but ultimately very aggressive form of LOL Addiction that is!

And TALKING of humiliating, here are the top celebrity ailments that have subsequently been ailing US all bloody week.

LanaDelRey Lana Del Rey

The album Born To Die is available now on iTunes worldwide:smarturl.it/LanaAlbumiTunes xxx LDR xxx

—-

Hey Lana,

There’s absolutely nothing we can do about that apart from not buy it and try and ignore as much press surrounding it as possible. AT LEAST let us do that for you. Bubz. Oh, sorry – you think the woman who awards herself the pseudonym of ‘The Gangsta Nancy Sinatra’ doesn’t want to be universally ignored? Well, we assume you also buy 1% milk and think it’s really great when people tell you the weight of their newborn children though, so I guess we should have seen that coming.

So, Lana – like we said, it’s out there now. Now, we’re not saying it’s a mistake – but what is important to learn here, is that we all learn from our mistakes, and mistakes are part of the human condition. We’re sure you already know that. We’re sure you ironically own all of the Dalai Lama’s books already. Maybe use this time of reflection to have a look through one of those. Surely there are more pressing matters for you at the moment anyway?

LanaDelRey Lana Del Rey

Right, just bearing in mind that I’m Lana Del Ray, David Sneddon’s Stop Living the Lie isn’t really as mellifluously challenging as I was hoping it would be.  :( xxx LDR xxx

Mmm-hmm.

DJFlash4eva Grandmaster Flash

KimKardashian Kim Kardashian

81 degrees in the winter!?! Gotta love LA

Dear Kim,

Yeah we know, the zany weather, eh? Sometimes we just stand by our kettles continuously boiling water just to see if we can get some sensation back into our joints via osmosis.

Oh, that doesn’t really answer your problem.

TheRealDjCasper DJCASPER

justinbieber Justin Bieber

got me

Dear Justin Bieber,

We’re not really sure who you are aside from the fact you appear to be the sole propietor and hold all fringe benefit of the word ‘believe’. So we’ll just give you a quick Google and see where we go from there.

–

OH MY GOD YOU’RE LIKE IF GOD HAD A MAGICAL BABY. AT STONEHENGE. AT THE STROKE OF SABBATH. MID-STARSAILOR GIG.

Do people KNOW?

ollyofficial Olly Murs

SERIOUSLY GUTTED this evening!! Just Missed Part 2 ‘BIRDSONG’ on BBC1… #badtimes

Dear Olly,

FOR GOD’S SAKE OLLY. We reminded you ALL. DAY.  And yes, you did miss all the fit birds getting Thumbelina’d up the Alan Whickers, yes. Yes you did before you ask. And all the middle class industrial unease, yes. And no, the jews didn’t ‘win’. We know, we really thought they’d got it in the bag this time too. But you know, some of us invested an hour and a half of our time to find out at least. You really should Sky+ next time before you go out on your bi-weekly evenings out laying down Durex trails for the girls in Nandos wearing trilbys. Although yeah, admittedly that was a very boss Sunday night. But you still.. you know. Be careful, Olly.

ronanofficial Ronan Keating

Last night in the early hours of the morning an empty truck full of bricks ran over a dead cat and nearly killed him

Christ, righto. Erm…

Not really our field, Ronan. Maybe check the Directgov site for care assessment advice? Or, you know, Rolf Harris?

—–

Join us next week, where we solve the ongoing mystery of Kerry Katona’s rapidly diminishing collection of Coco Pops Straws.

Imagine being Kate Moss. What do you do with your life? You stand around in a variety of clothes, which people hang off your bony frame and generally lord it up like you have an actual talent other than your genetic make-up.

Despite a clear lack of anything worthwhile, other than being sufficiently bland enough not to distract people from the garments you’re wearing, that still doesn’t mean you can’t act like a pompous, deserving buffoon.

And that’s exactly what’s happening as Kate Moss has revealed that she isn’t keen on interacting with her admirers on Twitter. Basically, you plebs don’t deserve her musings.

The supermodel would never sign up for a twitter account.

“I couldn’t think of anything worse than people knowing what I’m doing all the time. I just don’t understand it. I don’t get it at all. Why would anybody want to know? I try to be the opposite, so people don’t know anything that I’m doing. I don’t want people to know anything!”

Perhaps people wouldn’t want to know what you’re getting up to. Maybe people would like to see what you’re like beneath that hallow veneer? Maybe people would like to view you like you’re an approachable human-being, rather than some odious twerp, forever hiding behind the velvet rope of stardom?

Apparently, this isn’t the case though.

“Just to go into a shop without getting stared at would be nice. I mean, I don’t walk around like, ‘Oh, I’m famous’ – I try to live as normal a life as possible – but sometimes it’s a bit annoying. It’s fine; it’s not a massive problem, but sometimes it’s just a bit uncomfortable”

“You can’t be ‘poor me’ about it – it’s not the worst thing in the world, but sometimes it’s a bit uncomfortable.”

With insight like that, perhaps we’re all better off without Moss’ twitter dribblings?

Remember when they hung Gary Glitter on Channel 4? That was nice wasn’t it? Alas, for you pitchfork wielders, it was a work of fiction and Glitter is actually alive and well and causing trouble on twitter.

Apparently, the twitter account (not yet verified, so invariably a hoax) says that the disgraced glamster will be making a comeback on the road in 2012. That’s if people don’t storm the building and tear him limb-from-limb.

They’d want to do that after he was convicted of possessing child pornography (sentenced to four months) and then, after release, arrested in Vietnam for committing obscene acts with children (three years in the clink). However, all that’s behind him now.

The tweets read that Glitter will be making his comeback…

“London, Bristol and Birminghm are all semi-confirmed for the tour at the end of the year. I’ll confirm more info as it becomes certain… #GlitterTour will be a v small tour. Planned for 20 days in oct/sept later this year. I’ll post dates/venues when they are confirmed… I am truly touched at the incredible response i’ve had over twitter in the past few hours.Thank you to all my fans.”

And the response HAS been incredible. One look at the @ replies he’s been getting and you’ll be astonished at the levels of hatred he can provoke, simply by existing.

Of course, Chris Brown must be thrilled that Glitter has (possibly) arrived back on the scene because, in comparison, Breezy is a stale sandwich compared to the Leader Of The Gang.

Hitting a woman is pretty bad, but sticking your things in a minor is unspeakably dreadful!

Naturally, Glitter is ‘saying’ that this is all in the past and it is time to move on. Just forget about all that kid-fid stuff if you could and, y’know, pay money to me and I’ll perform my songs.

That’s right. Give money to a convicted paedophile. Jesus wept. Wouldn’t like to be the person who does the PR for that particular comeback.

Oooh, you thought that you didn’t give two hoots about Khloe Kardashian not being a purebreed Kardash didn’t you? You figured that you didn’t need to care about such a trivial story. Now look at you, since you heard about OJ Simpson.

See, there’s been an issue surrounding Khloe’s biological father and, whoever lands the gig, will invariably have some tidy money to make.

However, what happens if it’s Mister Double Murderer-Cum-Armed-Robber-And-Kidnapper, O.J. Simpson? Well, that’s a story and a half right? Oh, before we forget, OJ Simpson played some sport or other too where the gloves, presumably, fit him just grand. Just to clear that up.

So who is breaking such a story?

Why, if it isn’t those marvellous swines over at the National Enquirer! Anyone who doesn’t trust those guys needs to have a look at themselves, long and hard.

The Enquirer is the best!

Anyway, a source told the Enquirer this:

“O.J. told me Khloe’s his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends’ wives.”

Ooooh! They continued:

“He used to tell us way back – even before he and Nicole got divorced – that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe’s birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America’s biggest sports hero had fathered a love child.”

Look, we’re not making this up.

And surely, SURELY, the National Enquirer wouldn’t make something up like this. They don’t really have a record for doing as such, do they?

Either way, this must be incredibly exciting news for Khloe Kardashian! Just imagine finding out your dad was OJ Simpson! All those anecdotes he’d have to share with you!

Splendid.

The Queen of New Boring has come under attack for having the temerity to get all pelvic and grunty with a man who might not be entirely divorced from his estranged wife.

As if it wasn’t enough that she can’t get through a day without a million more people buying her album, she’s had to take to her blog (which is a step up from taking to Twitter, at least) to tell everyone that

a) he’s not married and b) it’s none of their goddamn business.

Taking a break from sitting down and bellowing ballads, Adele made these words happen to her bit of the internet:

“Contrary to reports and headlines in the press today, Simon is divorced and has been for 4 years. Everyone in our lives separately and together wish us nothing but the best, and vice versa. These are the facts.”

So, that clears that up, then. He is definitely not still married, not to anyone, not even a little tiny bit married.

Now, you might ask yourself why it would even matter if he was 100% definitely still married, given that marriage in itself is an antiquated and ridiculous ritual, divorce is expensive and that opting for mere estrangement at least leaves you with one person who can’t testify against you when your participation in the biggest crystal meth ring this side of Albuquerque is finally revealed.

And well done you, for asking questions instead of dumbly buying it like you bought Adele’s album.

It doesn’t really matter either way. What matters is that his nickname is Swampy, he went to Eton, and the two of them were introduced by human pumpkin Ed Sheeran.

That’s where the real story is, people.

This article was written by Becca Day-Preston who is willing to punch you for money. Careful.

Guess what?! It’s nearly February 8th! What does that mean? Well, that date marks the three-year anniversary of Chris Brown punching ten shades out of his then-girlfriend Rihanna! Ain’t that grand? It really is. The whole world came together like knuckles on eye-socket on that day.

And there’s more!

See, despite previously being forcibly separated by a court order, RiRi and Breezy (honestly, what is it with these nicknames? Are they 10 years old or something?) could be seeing in the anniversary together as multiple sources confirm that the pair have been secretly been (right) hooking up for nearly a year!

Apparently, the pair “meet up very casually,” (whatever that means) according to a Brown confidante.

“She comes to see him anytime she’s in L.A.”

“They can’t get enough of each other. I don’t see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that”

To be honest, we’re thoroughly sick of the sight of Rihanna (seriously – three new singles out every 5 minutes and billions of pointless column inches about her supposedly edgy, risque sex life. WE’RE TIRED NOW) and Chris Brown is, well, famous despite a lack of decent music and a alarmingly quick temper.

And when Breezy isn’t trying to throw chairs through a window while tearing his shirt off like Hulk at a TV station, this clandestine Rihanna business is complicated further by the fact Brown seems to have a girlfriend by the name of Karrueche Tran.

Shrieking hysterically, Breezy rep says:

“He and Rihanna are just friends. He’s not cheating!”

As Shakespeare once said, the well-paid representative doth protest too much.

Either way, this kicks the door open in a wife-beater vest for a swarm of Team Breezy (fans of Chris Brown if you’re wondering)  to scream and yell the place down, demanding forgiveness for a man who has systematically failed to apologise for assaulting a woman.

Kanye West is not a talented rapper. Sure, he’s great at getting heard, getting famous and coming up with mad-schemes to stay in the limelight, but he’s rapping… let us just say he’s a slower wordsmith than Turbo B from Snap!

Still, an attention-seeker always gets attention.

And it appears that he’s always been like that, as a video has emerged online of Kanye performing a poem when he was a little biddy 12 year old. Wanna see it?

The footage shows Yeezy reciting ‘His Name Means Love’, a poem dedicated to Martin Luther King Jr, who would have been 83 yesterday.

It seems the video was posted online by one of his old classmates at Vanderpoel Elementary School in Chicago.

Oddly enough, if appears that ‘Ye had more stage-presence and authority back in 1990 than he does now. He certainly sounds more convincing with the mic at 12 than he does these days.

Well, you would put your back into it if it was MLK, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, enough chat. Watch this video now and wonder where it all went wrong.

Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry!  Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.

So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we?  O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.

Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.

Here at hecklerspray, in a brand new feature, we hope to eradicate all that shame, and take Twitter back to the haven that it once was when it started all the way back when in 2006, when times were simpler, and Twitter looked like this.

We have taken it upon ourselves, and only us alone, (like that bit in The Matrix where they let Keanu Reeves have some lunch on a bench because he didn’t feel like chatting) to sort out this whole sorry mess, in a mature, selfless and all manner of sexy way, and single handedly try and solve every single  problem one of our HAPPYFACE-challenged celebrity friends have found themselves taking to Twitter for help this week.  Or about five or six or something. Come on.

GLADIATORS READY.

@Christine Bleakley: “How amazing were our celebs tonight. The best bunch ever xx”

Phew.

Hey Christine, welcome to hecklerspray!

Although this isn’t strictly a question, we think we see what you’re trying to say. You feel so overwhelmed by the plight of the celebrity subconscious that you are fearful you won’t live up to your standards. Like those press cars shrieking down that secluded French alley that brutally butchered the Princess of Wales: not with flying bits of metal and internal bleeding: But with curiosity. Yes, we totally understand. We get that too. We just don’t varnish or try and be happy. So, as you were saying, Christine. You’re really worried about dying. Well Christine, no one wants to die. But unfortunately, we all do – but never fear. In these waking moments before the inevitable strikes, we suggest spending time with loved ones, cancelling all your TV contracts if needs be, and just getting the most Christine Bleakley can get out of being Christine Bleakley.

If you’re curious now, we hear freezing to death is actually quite euphoric. Thanks for writing in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Ah, well that’s very good news, Julian. You clearly appreciate good cosmetics. Not all problems have to be bad. Thanks for checking in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.“

Oh.

@thekeithchegwin: “What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”

Hi there Keith.

We don’t know!

@thekeithchegwin: “Half of Essex“

Ah we see. Very amusing.

@SnoopDogg: “wat u on 2day? it’s #puffpuffpasstuesdays!!“

@Dane Bowers: “Why do people always point out miskeyed tweets or misspelling?! So what! Keys are pretty close together people! Bore off!!“

Dear Dane,

Come on, sport. It’s not like you to get all boiled up in such idle pedantry. Just think of what championed wordsmith Hunter S Thompson, or Dane Bowers might say! Oh wait – how embarassing. THAT’S YOU! Just remember, it’s important to keep face (Especially your lovely one with all that Dane Bowers molecular structure all over it. Phwoar.) at times like this. So somebody ‘miskeyed’. Big whoop. We’re sure even Queen Elizabeth or Stevie Wonder did once too.  Just remember, you always will be the one who wrote ‘Shut Up And Forget About It’ in 2009, Dane. That will never not be you.

“Hope your silicone bursts
You’ll never get signed
But I feel sorry for you
‘Cause your baby is blind”

@MissAmyChilds: “Really random bit I must be the only person that doesn’t like nandos x”

Hi Amy,

We have to say we were rather moved by this. It’s not every day you get a celebrity quite as upbeat and up for a laugh as yourself on Twitter these days. And considering you look mid-arterial embolism 80% of the time, it makes what you have had the guts to tell us here even more admirable.

So, feeling left out from the pack. Amy, this is unfortunately commonplace, especially for a girl with your particular choice of zany hue for a hair colour. First and foremost, the thing to know is this: It’s not your fault. Nandos does serve, admittedly, quite a lot of chicken. And hey, not everyone likes chicken. The key thing to remember is this does not make you a freakish bog-eyed ITV2 psychopath. It does not. Far from it. As for those people who say that all neutral flavoured things transgress back to tasting like chicken? Nought but lonely young boys with eating disorders whom’s nerves have been deadened by the lack of a motherly touch, pretending the air surrounding Robin Williams is actual food. So we’d say you have the edge on them at least, Amy.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Sorry Alex, we’re just not emotionally stable enough to deal with this right now.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Oh GOD FINE. We’ll deal with the Alex Reid thing.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Dear Alex,

All of that is amazing and we know it must be hard having a baby with Chantelle Houghton. Especially with Beyonce and Jay Z copying your exact idea and then writing cruel songs about how Beyonce can’t have a miscarriage because she’s magic. As for all of the other things you mentioned. Well it’s fairly easy to decipher.

WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORGSIJSOISJPSOIKSO

Christ…

And there you have it, another week of celebrity mishaps all cleaned up. If you come across any lost souls, collecting their jars of hearts, tearing their love apart because they’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside their soul, then please do not hesitate to email in or leave a comment, and you could be saving a life too. Such as Michael Barrymore and his constant conquest to get in touch with Dara O’Briain. And remember, Dr Heckle is only licensed to deal with menial problems such as these. For emotional health and race hate, go to Dear Deidre.

Goodnight!

Sportsmen are all uniformly thick. They’re thicker than pig dung and nearly as blank-faced as soldiers. It’s astonishing really. They need assistants to tell them to take their trousers off before going to the toilet. So it shouldn’t surprise us that Kris Humphries was told EXACTLY how to propose to Kim Kardashian.

Just imagine that. Being so insultingly moronic that Kim Kardashian is able to boss you around.

We all know that the proposal ended in a complete sham of a marriage, but what we didn’t know that it was a con from the off, with Kimmy K actually planning Humphries proposal down to the letter. Allegedly, of course. Go away lawyers.

So, the word on the street is that Kris Humphries told his friends and family that his soon-to-be ex-wife planned his wedding proposal to her so it would look nice on her awful cod-reality show, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’

If you saw the proposal, you will have seen Kris proposing in the bedroom of Kim’s mansion. Humphries actually wanted to propose Minnesota. Why Minnesota, we’ve no idea. Minnesota is RUBBI

Radar Online say that  source revealed:

“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever.”

“First of all, Kris proposed in the middle of the day, and he had to do that because it would create better lighting to capture the moment. Kim looked so surprised but she knew it was happening.”

“She was in full hair and make-up, as she always is on the show. Kris wanted it to be very intimate and romantic, but all of his ideas were shot down by production officials and Kim.”

“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever.”

So basically, Kris Humphries managed to pluck up the brain-cells to mouth ‘will you, duurrr, marry me please Kim – DERP?’, only to be shot down immediately with a ‘this won’t do! Ask me when the lighting is better and I’ll get my people to look at it, run it by the production team and I’ll say ‘yes’, okay? Cool’.

And yet, the stupid lummox still asked her! Sometimes, people really get what they deserve don’t they?

Truth be told, it isn’t very often that one of the debauched members of the hecklerspray bedsit would ever speak of a member of the Kardashian lizard family in any positive manner. Doing so carries a punishment. A punishment that would Max Mosley blush and thank his lucky stars that he only has goes up against Nazis, and not the full extent of the hecklerspray phantom. That’s one sick puppy eating monster.

But today is a special day. Today is a day where it all changes for the awful Kardashian Kartel. It seems that the head of the Kardashian family, Kris Jenner, had unprotected and probably nasty (it did involve Kris Jenner, and possibly her original face) sex with an unwitting stranger, before eating the poor fool whole and spinning a web over his corpse so Susan Boyle couldn’t pick at the carcass.

Which we know she would.

Who do these claims come from? Well, not from an angry ex-husband or boyfriend, of which the Kardashians have more than chins in a Fat Camp Yearbook, that’s for sure. They come from the unlikely source of Khloe’s own stepmother. Say whaaat? Say what indeed, slovenly reader.

You’ll need to bear with us here, it’s about to get mad complicated.

Jan Ashley, who married Robert Kardashian after Khloe’s mother Kris, has claimed that Robert himself said that Khloe is not his child, and that another man fathered her. Totally debunking the theory that Khloe was stolen from a local farm and put in a Herve Leger dress at the same time. She says:

“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said it like it was a matter of fact. He said “Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?” And I said… “OK” and that was it.”

Jan Ashley isn’t the only ex-wife of Rob The Stud’s that has come out to say that Khloe’s father is more likely to be the man who injects the pygmy octupus placenta straight into Kris Jenner’s labia. Or the man who carries Kim’s ego around. Or the man who truly believes that anything the Kardashians says is the truth.

Ellen Kardashian (these people are starting to breed like yeast in Kim’s vagina), who married Rob The King of Sex after Jan, pointed out that Khloe looks nothing like the other two members of the Kardashian Kunt Klub, Kim and Kourteney. Which she doesn’t. At all. Kim and Kourteney are statuesque pillars of arrogance, whereas Khloe is a dumpy bag of no mark, nepotistic arrogance. Totally different.

Seriously. If you look at all three Kardashian sisters they’re like peas in the pod. If the pea pod was filled with two green peas and a female-impersonator.

Kong Kardashian has however hit back at these claims, saying on Twitter:

“The audacity you have to mention my father’s name like this! Should be ashamed of urself! I let a lot of things slide but this one is really low… YOU ARE DISGUSTING! (yes you know who YOU are).”

We don’t know why she’s being so frigid about the idea – anyone would have thought she’d jump at the chance to be disassociated from human-toilet Kim and the whole media circus that surrounds the KKK’s.

Khloe, not being a full blood Kardashian means that, this is a perfect opportunity for Khloe to ditch the Kardash Klan once and for all. Maybe get a nice job in a bakery. Perhaps get a LoveFilm subscription and finally get round to watching all the Resident Evil films.

It also means that she is the only one who can defeat Voldemort.

This article featured additional reporting from Lady Robotnik as well as Sir Robin Darke, just so you know.

Justin Bieber talks directly to God. Justin Bieber also thinks that “rape happens for a reason” as well. That invariably means we shouldn’t trust a vowel that dribbles out of that tiny week-old mouth of his.

He’s Canadian too. They’re all like Americans without the whole ‘inventing rock ‘n’ roll’ thing.

Anyway, Justin Bieber likes talking to the ether and pretending that God talks back to him. Presumably God advised that Bieber got a tattoo on his leg of Jesus. Sadly, God didn’t tell him to go to a decent tattoo parlour and JB is left with an image of what appears to be the lead singer of Nickelback on his calf.

Justin does indeed believe that there is a higher power guiding everyone’s lives, but he doesn’t go to church to affirm his faith.

Is that because he’s gigantically famous and can’t be bothered getting loads of hassle every Sunday morning? Some faith that is!

He told V magazine:

“A lot of people who are religious, I think they get lost. They go to church just to go to church. I’m not trying to disrespect them … but for me, I focus more on praying and talking to Him. I don’t have to go to church.”

Still, at least he’s getting tugged off.

He added:

“Now that I’m on top, everyone wants to bring me down … Everyone’s trying to tug at me and take my spot.”

There’s still no word on the claims that Mariah Yeater had his baby though, which is what we’re all especially interested in. Not because he’s ‘on top’ and we’d like to see him fail, rather, we’ll never ever forgive him for what he said about rape victims.

We haven’t even mentioned his gruesome music. At least he’s got his little imaginary friend in the sky to talk to.

Oh dear. Poor ol’ Chris Brown has got his boxing gloves in a twist. See, he doesn’t like people asking him about the terrible things he’s done in the past. The last time someone broached the topic of him punching Rihanna, he tore his shirt off and threw a chair at a window.

And so, instead of addressing the issues and maybe saying sorry, showing that he’s grown up and wants to move on, he’s decided to go with another tactic.

In 2012, Chris Brown has announced there will be a ban on all interviews. That’s right. Tired of people pointing out you’re an idiot? Then stick your fingers in your ears for a whole calendar year and laughably suggest that you should be judge solely on your ‘talent’.

Tina Davis, Breezy’s manager, told Billboard magazine it was to…

“not have him do interviews but to concentrate on performing and recording”

“We’re not trying to be rude, selfish or disrespectful to anyone in any way. If people are going to judge anything, judge him for his talent. He signed up to sing and entertain. Not to talk about his personal life.”

Jesus wept.

We can now focus entirely on his awful, awful music without being distracted by his knuckles, quick-temper and pea-brain. Basically, we’re all being asked to dump our ire in one spot, as opposed to spreading it into two places.

We can absolutely assume that Brown will not be able to keep himself away from twitter though, so we’ll still have ammo to fire at him (unless of course, he gets all his correspondence vetted by his team first, which isn’t out of the realms of possibility).

Basically, this unswerving dimwit will balls this up somehow because he is completely unable to stop himself from wandering into trouble.

Remember the last time he let his hands do his talking instead of his mouth?

John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is a pretty lousy song. Sure, it is still massively popular today, but then again, so is war and racism. Numbers and time multiplied doesn’t necessarily show the inherent quality of something.

Either way, that doesn’t stop people being precious about it and today, various arms are being thrown into the air in disgust (because there’s little else to be disgusted about of course) after Cee Lo Green changed the words to one of the laziest lyrics in pop history.

During a televised performance on New Year’s Eve, the visually impaired Green altered Lennon’s lyrics, turning a line that criticises religion into one that actively promotes it.

Dressed in a black robe and shades (seriously, is he blind or something? He’s a big lad so his eyesight could’ve been taken from him through Type 2 Diabetes complications for all we know), Cee Lo took to the stage and sang:

“Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try”

So far, so correct. But then JEEZ! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?! happened.

“Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for… and all religion is true.”

Of course, back in ’71, Lennon sang ‘no religion too’, which everyone kinda missed the first time ’round. He also sang ‘imagine no possessions’, while sat in his entirely white mansion, complete with the specially cooled room which kept all his fur coats just so.

Yeah. No possessions. Some people don’t have to imagine it Johnno because they don’t have any, y’spoiled berk.

Naturally, the hooting atheists were quick to complain in the most pious way possible. They took to their pulpits on twitter, with one shouting:

“You sang Imagine in a fur coat & expensive jewelry and changed [the lyrics] to be pro-religion!”

Oh the delicious irony! Green eventually tweeted an apology on his special phone for blind people:

“Yo I meant no disrespect by changing the lyric guys! I was trying to say a world were u could believe what u wanted that’s all.”

He then deleted all his apologies because he knew damn well that most Atheists aren’t even worth talking to. Anyway, here’s the proof of Cee Lo Green singing a different line in an already pedestrian, clunky rock ballad.