One of the celebrity’s greatest fears is the cunning, cold-hearted assassin. Those who kill for money or for a cause. They kill without remorse and without feeling, leaving the families and friends of their victims devastated. The mark of a great assassin is their ability to kill without getting caught.
So what if we told you that there was a group of people out there, numbering in the thousands who are poised and waiting with their fingers on triggers and their breath held. Waiting for the shot. We’re not talking about Mossad or the CIA here; we’re talking One Direction fans.
With the adolescent purveyors of pop currently ‘cracking’ America, their fans are on the look out for high value targets.
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Masturbation. After reading that headline, some of you are probably doing it right now. That’s fine, no-one’s judging you for that. What you do in an office full of people is your own business.
Regardless of your filthy, under-the-desk habits, you don’t often hear that celebrities like a good toss every now and then. Sure, we can assume. Some of the hecklerspray staff are obsessed with the idea of Ryan Gosling cracking off into a football sock but that’s neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that celebs don’t orgasm unless it’s with one-another because it looks better on the front of glossy magazines.
Until now!
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Kim Kardashian is a very private girl, remember? She doesn’t like to share too much of her private life unless it’s the day of her wedding or the rest of her life through her twitter account and reality TV programme.
Other than that, she’s a very secretive, private girl.
And now, she’s sending pictures of herself out online in a state of undress, without any makeup on and invariably fishing for compliments like those girls who pose in their bra, tweet it, and sigh “I’m so fat” or “I’m feeling pretty ugly today guys”, only to be flooded with fished-for compliments from sad men and kindly, envious women. Anyway, shall we get on with looking at the picture?
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One of the more notable, or should we say biggest bloody deals of life ever of tonight’s Brits, is the British Critics’ Choice Awards. Otherwise who the hell else are we going to fawn over for the next 8-10 months?
The pop equivalent of Bambi’s surrogate mother and all round Robin Williams Pixar voice impersonator Lana Del Rey?
This is literally the only way we will ever be able to properly understand music and engage in credibility, now that according to Twitter – ‘Coldplayers run the world’ (we personally don’t think they could run a tap without bursting into tears because they found a metaphor in the water) and Joe McElderry has gone classical. It’s difficult being us.
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Tonight is the 2012 Brit Awards. The show has come a long, long way from its stuffy, humble beginnings and is now very much part of the social calendar like the Baftas and Oscars and all that other backslapping junk.
We’re obviously very, very excited. No. Honestly we are.
And so, to celebrate this auspicious occasion, we’ll be sat at home, grumbling about everything on twitter. Not like the swine tottering around on their hind legs who actually attend the show. We’re not bitter. Not one bit. And seeing as we’ll be on twitter, Team Spreezyists Mof Gimmers and Sophie Hall got together and created a TwitterBritsBingo to help you keep an eye on key phrases that’ll be uttered tonight by those who are Kind Of A Big Deal In Social Media (aka Not Famous At All).
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Piers Morgan, the ever lovable former Daily Mirror editor and man for whom the word smarmy was invented, certainly has gotten his large, soiled knickers in a twist of late.
We’re not even half way through the week and he’s already attempted to take some cheap shots at 2 people who are infinitely more famous and loved than him.
It’s the equivalent of the school weed slagging off the popular kids because they won’t invite him to their fancy pool parties when their parents go to Tuscany for the weekend. Read More >>>
Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.
One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.
No, honestly.
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Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution.
The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv.
But no, we really appreciate the hard grievous labour of the world of work. Well, we were like that, until we logged on to Twitter, and were immediately diagnosed with the mostly symptomless but ultimately very aggressive form of LOL Addiction that is!
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