Remember when Charlie Sheen was worth writing about? Okay, it looked like he was going to die and everything, but we don’t care about him emotionally. We just want to mock a stranger’s misfortune right?
So he went about the world saying dumb things about his tiger blood, his fondness for porn actresses and the fact his penis is a cucumber filled with E.Coli or something.
Since then, he went on tour and got in a custody battle, poking him into becoming a massive, massive bore. Even the woman he was in the legal wranglings with, Brooke Mueller, went to rehab and failed to make Sheen vaguely interesting again.
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Try and hum one of Mariah Carey’s big hits to yourself. In fact, any of her songs. You just can’t can you? As multi-millionaire recording artists go, she is utterly forgettable. Christ, we could whistle you at least two tunes by rubbish 90′s popsters Shampoo and they’re skint.
Well fear not, because something memorable is finally taking place in Mariah Carey’s Scary Towers. The Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services are investigating allegations of alcohol and drug use against Carey and Nick Cannon shortly after the birth of their twins.
Do you hear that? ‘Shortly after’ the birth? They were still in the hospital, glugging Cristal and rolling fat biftas whilst Carey juggled two babies onto her copious fun-bags to fill them with narcotic breast-milk whilst heating-up her crack pipe?
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Mariah Carey, who has been talking about her fucking babies non-stop for the past 4 months like anyone gives two hoots about her future pampered disappointments, has claimed that she has a newfound respect for mothers of the world.
Are we to assume she used to hate all mothers? It’s probably sensible to do so because she clearly hated anyone who wasn’t her for a big chunk of her life (and a bit of a suicide moment suggests she even hated Mariah Carey for a while). Although, she didn’t hate Gadaffi enough to not play a show for his family.
Anyway, she’s got some twins growing inside her and she won’t stop bloody talking about it.
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You may have looked at Mariah Carey and thought “jeez! She’s piling the weight on now isn’t she?” Well, you massive tagnut, that’s because she’s eating for three these days. Yes, we know that she’s been eating for three for a while… but now, she’s got children growing in her stomach.
The massive freak.
That’s right. There’s two entirely separate humans growing up her slice and, because we crept into her room while she slept, we decided to have a little look up her nightdress and find out what type of humans she’d be squeezing out.
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You know at the end of that 1999 Godzilla remake how even though the monster was dead, it still left big, green eggs all the heck over the place?
Well Matthew Broderick‘s character was probably all “Oh eff! What the effing eff!” But it ended up he needn’t have worried because the film flopped, graciously preventing a tired-already franchise from getting off the ground.
The thing is – it appears he may have stopped worrying too soon about little lizard babies. Because his possibly-reptilian wife’s southern regions are about to be torn asunder with twins.
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