Articles tagged with: Twilight
The Jonas Brothers Want In On Twilight 2, Begin Sobbing Now
So far the Twilight 2 checklist includes Dakota Fanning, scrawny werewolves and a dildo with a funny haircut. But that's not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it's going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won't have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more. The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.
So far the Twilight 2 checklist includes Dakota Fanning, scrawny werewolves and a dildo with a funny haircut. But that's not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it's going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won't have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more. The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.
Stephen King Hates Twilight As Much As You Do! Hooray!
Stephen King and Twilight author Stephenie Meyer have got two gigantic thing in common. Number one: their books get turned into awful, awful films. Number two, both Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer write books for 14-year-olds. True, Stephen King writes books for 14-year-old boys who smell of BO and secretly want to machinegun their school, while Stephenie Meyer writes books for 14-year-old girls who can't spell and wet themselves every time they think of Robert Pattinson. But it's true. So you'd think that Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer would get along, wouldn't you? Wrong - Stephen King hates Stephenie Meyer rotten.
Stephen King and Twilight author Stephenie Meyer have got two gigantic thing in common. Number one: their books get turned into awful, awful films. Number two, both Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer write books for 14-year-olds. True, Stephen King writes books for 14-year-old boys who smell of BO and secretly want to machinegun their school, while Stephenie Meyer writes books for 14-year-old girls who can't spell and wet themselves every time they think of Robert Pattinson. But it's true. So you'd think that Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer would get along, wouldn't you? Wrong - Stephen King hates Stephenie Meyer rotten.
Courtney Love Plays Mad-Eyed Cupid For Robert Pattinson
Robert Pattinson, as the whole world already knows, is the dreamiest plank of balsa wood on the planet. But this dreaminess comes at a cost. Everywhere Robert Pattinson turns, he's confronted by a wall of screaming, knicker-wetting teenage girls in too much eyeliner who appear to think he's a cross between Jesus and The Beatles, rather than the personality-free stupid-haired toff that he actually is. Or, worse still, Robert Pattinson has to put up with mothers constantly trying to set him up with their daughters. Slightly deranged-looking mothers. Who look like they probably smell a bit. Courtney Love, basically.
Robert Pattinson, as the whole world already knows, is the dreamiest plank of balsa wood on the planet. But this dreaminess comes at a cost. Everywhere Robert Pattinson turns, he's confronted by a wall of screaming, knicker-wetting teenage girls in too much eyeliner who appear to think he's a cross between Jesus and The Beatles, rather than the personality-free stupid-haired toff that he actually is. Or, worse still, Robert Pattinson has to put up with mothers constantly trying to set him up with their daughters. Slightly deranged-looking mothers. Who look like they probably smell a bit. Courtney Love, basically.
Vanessa Hudgens To Make Twilight 2 More Tweeny And Nude
This is the news we've waited our entire lives for - Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical is going to be in Twilight 2! Oh, OK, Vanessa Hudgens is only auditioning for one of the roles in Twilight 2. It's as good as signed, though, especially since the second Twilight novel ends with everyone performing a mass singalong to a song entitled I Believe In You (Sexy Vampire Of My Heart). Vanessa Hudgens' Twilight signing also proves that, rather than promoting pre-martial abstinence, Twilight is really all about getting your tits and mimsy out on the internet. Hear that, Robert Pattinson? Your mimsy.
This is the news we've waited our entire lives for - Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical is going to be in Twilight 2! Oh, OK, Vanessa Hudgens is only auditioning for one of the roles in Twilight 2. It's as good as signed, though, especially since the second Twilight novel ends with everyone performing a mass singalong to a song entitled I Believe In You (Sexy Vampire Of My Heart). Vanessa Hudgens' Twilight signing also proves that, rather than promoting pre-martial abstinence, Twilight is really all about getting your tits and mimsy out on the internet. Hear that, Robert Pattinson? Your mimsy.
Hooray! Taylor Lautner Stays As New Moon’s Weedy Werewolf!
Irrational teenage girls, here's a lesson - you can get anything you want in life with a healthy dose of screaming obnoxiousness. It certainly worked with Taylor Lautner and New Moon. After being told that he was too much of a scrawny little runt to continue playing werewolf Jacob Black in the Twilight sequel, a wave of berserk quasi-emo outrage from Taylor's female teenage fanbase has kept him the job. True, this means that Robert Pattinson will be replaced by a plank of wood with a merkin on its head for New Moon instead, but don't pretend you'll notice the difference.
Irrational teenage girls, here's a lesson - you can get anything you want in life with a healthy dose of screaming obnoxiousness. It certainly worked with Taylor Lautner and New Moon. After being told that he was too much of a scrawny little runt to continue playing werewolf Jacob Black in the Twilight sequel, a wave of berserk quasi-emo outrage from Taylor's female teenage fanbase has kept him the job. True, this means that Robert Pattinson will be replaced by a plank of wood with a merkin on its head for New Moon instead, but don't pretend you'll notice the difference.
Robert Pattinson Gets A Haircut, Planet Earth Sheds A Lonely Tear
What's the best thing about Robert Pattinson? His intense lack of charisma? The way his speaking voice is the perfect auditory representation of carbon monoxide suffocation? No! It's his hair. As all shrieking teenage girls know, Robert Pattinson has the world's dreamiest hair - it's all tousled and unkempt and probably home to millions of undiscovered species of rodent. So if Robert Pattinson ever had a haircut, we'd probably kill ourselves. Which is a bummer, because Robert Pattinson has had a haircut. Actually, forget killing ourselves; it's time for plan B - find the hair. WE MUST EAT ROBERT PATTINSON'S DREAMY HAIR!
What's the best thing about Robert Pattinson? His intense lack of charisma? The way his speaking voice is the perfect auditory representation of carbon monoxide suffocation? No! It's his hair. As all shrieking teenage girls know, Robert Pattinson has the world's dreamiest hair - it's all tousled and unkempt and probably home to millions of undiscovered species of rodent. So if Robert Pattinson ever had a haircut, we'd probably kill ourselves. Which is a bummer, because Robert Pattinson has had a haircut. Actually, forget killing ourselves; it's time for plan B - find the hair. WE MUST EAT ROBERT PATTINSON'S DREAMY HAIR!
Twilight 2 To Be Directed By… Oh Really? Him?
After Catherine Hardwicke left Twilight 2 for whatever reason, its studio needed to think extremely carefully about her replacement. After all, the Twilight 2 director would need to be adept at dealing with teenagers, understanding the romantic pull of the source text and - most importantly - be able to follow the lead of the first movie by creating an expansive fantasy book adaptation that ends up as a horribly unintelligible mess that nobody could ever genuinely be proud of. And that's why the director of Twilight 2 has been announced as Chris Weitz, the director of The Golden Compass. Clever move, movie studio, clever move.
After Catherine Hardwicke left Twilight 2 for whatever reason, its studio needed to think extremely carefully about her replacement. After all, the Twilight 2 director would need to be adept at dealing with teenagers, understanding the romantic pull of the source text and - most importantly - be able to follow the lead of the first movie by creating an expansive fantasy book adaptation that ends up as a horribly unintelligible mess that nobody could ever genuinely be proud of. And that's why the director of Twilight 2 has been announced as Chris Weitz, the director of The Golden Compass. Clever move, movie studio, clever move.
There’s Going To Be A Twilight 2. Oh, Look Surprised
Do you think that the world can never have enough rubbish-looking teenage vampire films featuring hamfisted pro-abstinence agendas? You do? Well then, we've got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you're an infuriating bellsack. Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly - the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don't actually exist. Brokenhearted, they'll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that's what we hope, anyway.
Do you think that the world can never have enough rubbish-looking teenage vampire films featuring hamfisted pro-abstinence agendas? You do? Well then, we've got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you're an infuriating bellsack. Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly - the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don't actually exist. Brokenhearted, they'll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that's what we hope, anyway.
