Articles tagged with: Twilight
Robert Pattinson To Keep Making Twilight Films Forever (Sort Of)
You know Robert Pattinson? You know how he stars in Twilight? And how he'll be starring in Twilight 2 and Twilight 3 soon? Well hold onto your hats because we've got some incredibly unexpected news for you. Get ready - Robert Pattinson is going to star in Twilight 4. We know! We were surprised, too! We also have bad news - Robert Pattinson is the only star to agree to Twilight 4, so Ricky Martin will play Jacob Black, the wolf pack will be played by three homeless men who've been painted orange and Kristen Stewart will be portrayed by a horse in a top hat.
You know Robert Pattinson? You know how he stars in Twilight? And how he'll be starring in Twilight 2 and Twilight 3 soon? Well hold onto your hats because we've got some incredibly unexpected news for you. Get ready - Robert Pattinson is going to star in Twilight 4. We know! We were surprised, too! We also have bad news - Robert Pattinson is the only star to agree to Twilight 4, so Ricky Martin will play Jacob Black, the wolf pack will be played by three homeless men who've been painted orange and Kristen Stewart will be portrayed by a horse in a top hat.
New Moon Footage! On TV! In, Like, A Fortnight! Or Something!
14-year-old girls, this is an advance warning. Starting now, you need to drink as much fluid as you absolutely can. Because on May 31, you'll be called upon to unleash the greatest involuntary urination of your already impressively urine-heavy lives. Why? Because on May 31 a brand-new, previously-unseen clip of New Moon will be shown at the MTV Awards. Worse still, the New Moon clip is going to be introduced by Robert Pattinson, which seems like overkill. After all, Robert Pattinson OR New Moon equals gross involuntary urination. Robert Pattinson AND New Moon probably equals a bit of involuntary pooing, too. Ugh.
14-year-old girls, this is an advance warning. Starting now, you need to drink as much fluid as you absolutely can. Because on May 31, you'll be called upon to unleash the greatest involuntary urination of your already impressively urine-heavy lives. Why? Because on May 31 a brand-new, previously-unseen clip of New Moon will be shown at the MTV Awards. Worse still, the New Moon clip is going to be introduced by Robert Pattinson, which seems like overkill. After all, Robert Pattinson OR New Moon equals gross involuntary urination. Robert Pattinson AND New Moon probably equals a bit of involuntary pooing, too. Ugh.
Big, Breaking, Important News: Robert Pattinson Has A Birthday
This is just in, so brace yourselves. Apparently Twilight star Robert Pattinson has a birthday each year. We know, we're shocked ourselves. But let's just steady ourselves and try to work out what this means - it means that Robert Pattinson's age incrementally increases by one year on a set calendar date, which has blown our minds. Still, at least Robert Pattinson didn't celebrate his so-called 'birthday' with friends in Canada this week. What? Robert Pattinson did celebrate his so-called 'birthday' with friends in Canada this week? This is all too much news! Fingers crossed somebody bought him a hairbrush, eh?
This is just in, so brace yourselves. Apparently Twilight star Robert Pattinson has a birthday each year. We know, we're shocked ourselves. But let's just steady ourselves and try to work out what this means - it means that Robert Pattinson's age incrementally increases by one year on a set calendar date, which has blown our minds. Still, at least Robert Pattinson didn't celebrate his so-called 'birthday' with friends in Canada this week. What? Robert Pattinson did celebrate his so-called 'birthday' with friends in Canada this week? This is all too much news! Fingers crossed somebody bought him a hairbrush, eh?
New Moon Script Found In The Bin For Some Reason
For crying out loud, New Moon. You're making this way too easy for us. A bin? A copy of your script was found in the bin? A bin where you keep rubbish, New Moon? Are you after our jobs or something? Do you think that doing so something so ridiculously beyond parody like actually throwing your own script in the bin where you keep rubbish will somehow make us redundant? Do you? Do you, New Moon? Anyway, a copy of the New Moon script has been found in a bin. A bin where you keep rubbish. Oh, we've already said.
For crying out loud, New Moon. You're making this way too easy for us. A bin? A copy of your script was found in the bin? A bin where you keep rubbish, New Moon? Are you after our jobs or something? Do you think that doing so something so ridiculously beyond parody like actually throwing your own script in the bin where you keep rubbish will somehow make us redundant? Do you? Do you, New Moon? Anyway, a copy of the New Moon script has been found in a bin. A bin where you keep rubbish. Oh, we've already said.
Twilight 3 Director Really, Really Hates Twilight
Directing a Twilight film is a big job. Are you faithful to the book? Can you make Robert Pattinson look vaguely human? Do you hate Twilight with such a passion that the thought of it alone makes you want to sick up some blood into a nun's eye? If you've answered yes to all of these questions then you're perfectly suited to be a Twilight director. Just look at Twilight 3 director David Slade - before he was hired he wrote on Twitter that he wouldn't watch Twilight drunk, on acid or at gunpoint. Which, we think, means that we're directing Twilight 4.
Directing a Twilight film is a big job. Are you faithful to the book? Can you make Robert Pattinson look vaguely human? Do you hate Twilight with such a passion that the thought of it alone makes you want to sick up some blood into a nun's eye? If you've answered yes to all of these questions then you're perfectly suited to be a Twilight director. Just look at Twilight 3 director David Slade - before he was hired he wrote on Twitter that he wouldn't watch Twilight drunk, on acid or at gunpoint. Which, we think, means that we're directing Twilight 4.
Girls, Robert Pattinson Only Acts For You (Unless You’re Ugly)
To Robert Pattinson, acting is an art - a perfect form of expression that he only does to nourish his soul. That's a lie. In fact there are many reasons why Robert Pattinson is an actor - it's one of the only professions where putrid body odour or that haircut aren't instantly-sackable offences, for instance. And also, as he recently revealed, Robert Pattinson only became an actor because he'd meet pretty girls. But his plan has backfired horribly. Ever since he starred in Twilight, all the girls he's met have been 14 years old, hysterical and medically incontinent. Tough break, Rob. Tough break.
To Robert Pattinson, acting is an art - a perfect form of expression that he only does to nourish his soul. That's a lie. In fact there are many reasons why Robert Pattinson is an actor - it's one of the only professions where putrid body odour or that haircut aren't instantly-sackable offences, for instance. And also, as he recently revealed, Robert Pattinson only became an actor because he'd meet pretty girls. But his plan has backfired horribly. Ever since he starred in Twilight, all the girls he's met have been 14 years old, hysterical and medically incontinent. Tough break, Rob. Tough break.
New Moon Wolf Pack: Twilight Gets Homoerotic
Hear that distant rumbling sound? That's the sound of a fast-approaching tidalwave of teenage urine. To the trees! But what's caused all this epic adolescent incontinence? Why the picture to your right, of course. It's the New Moon Wolf Pack. Now, we're not sure what the New Moon Wolf Pack actually do, but we suspect they're either the shadowy band of brothers who protect Bella from vampires in the book and film of the same name, or the public faces of a new unauthorised Twilight late night premium rate gay chatline. Oh, who are we kidding? It's definitely the latter.
Hear that distant rumbling sound? That's the sound of a fast-approaching tidalwave of teenage urine. To the trees! But what's caused all this epic adolescent incontinence? Why the picture to your right, of course. It's the New Moon Wolf Pack. Now, we're not sure what the New Moon Wolf Pack actually do, but we suspect they're either the shadowy band of brothers who protect Bella from vampires in the book and film of the same name, or the public faces of a new unauthorised Twilight late night premium rate gay chatline. Oh, who are we kidding? It's definitely the latter.
OMG! Miley Cyrus Totally Doesn’t Love Robert Pattinson! Etc!
Everyone knows that Robert Pattinson has two main target markets - hysterical teenage girls and lonely old women. So Miley Cyrus should be perfect for him. Miley's got a little bit of both Robert Pattinson fans in her - the enthusiasm and breathless cadence of a teenage girl, plus the speaking voice and dead-eyed world-weary cynicism of very, very old lady. But what's this? Miley Cyrus doesn't like Robert Pattinson? And she doesn't think anyone else likes Robert Pattinson either? And she dedicated an entire 19-word throwaway aside in a stupid magazine for objectionable children to the subject? This means WAR! Possibly.
Everyone knows that Robert Pattinson has two main target markets - hysterical teenage girls and lonely old women. So Miley Cyrus should be perfect for him. Miley's got a little bit of both Robert Pattinson fans in her - the enthusiasm and breathless cadence of a teenage girl, plus the speaking voice and dead-eyed world-weary cynicism of very, very old lady. But what's this? Miley Cyrus doesn't like Robert Pattinson? And she doesn't think anyone else likes Robert Pattinson either? And she dedicated an entire 19-word throwaway aside in a stupid magazine for objectionable children to the subject? This means WAR! Possibly.
