Well that didn’t last very long. There we were, bracing ourselves for Twilight: Eclipse‘s months-long reign.
And it’s over already. After a single week, Twilight: Eclipse has stopped being the weekend box office number one, losing its place to Despicable Me. What could be the problem with Twilight: Eclipse? Are people bored of Twilight? Have its fans grown up to the extent that they’re not squealing little irritants any more? Or has is the sudden weekend box office drop-off of Twilight: Eclipse down to the fact that the youth of today has already moved on to a new fad?
Let’s hope it’s not the latter, because that’d seem like the fastest way to get Justin Bieber cast as a BMXing were-boy in Breaking Dawn. Full US weekend box office top five after the jump…
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Oh, don’t pretend to be surprised. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is number one at the US weekend box office.
It explains so much. Eclipse‘s success explains why no teenage girls were to be seen all weekend, and it explains that constant low-level shrieking you’ve been hearing all weekend, and it explains why everywhere’s ankle-deep in urine all of a sudden.
What’s more, Eclipse is supposed to be the best Twilight film so far. To be fair, that’s not saying much because we could film mould growing on warm yogurt and the end result would still be better than both Twilight and New Moon combined. Plus if we left it long enough it’d end up having hair like Robert Pattinson. And it’d probably smell like him, too. Anyway, full US weekend top five after the jump.
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Robert Pattinson has struck upon a novel way to promote Eclipse – he’s swanning around proclaiming his imminent death.
What a genius. Seriously. Think about it. Imagine if Heath Ledger or James Dean had told everyone that they were going to die young – instead of turning its nose up at the likes of A Knight’s Tale or those two episodes of Treasury Men In Action, the world would have gobbled them up, knowing that they should make the most of their rare talents while they still had the chance.
It’s a tactic that Robert Pattinson has clung onto, as he’s announced in an interview that he’ll probably be dead by the age of 30. Don’t worry though, teenage girls, Robert Pattinson probably won’t be dead by 30. His career will be dead by 30, but chances are he’ll remain physically fine.
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Next month’s London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse should have been amazing. Robert Pattinson would be there.
Kristen Stewart would be there. At least one of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples may have been down as a heavy pencil. The whole thing should have been so incredibly star-studded that it was bound to provoke enough involuntary urination to make the City of Westminster look like that bit from 2012 where the White House gets taken out by a tsunami.
But that dream is in tatters now. Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner have decided that they won’t be attending the London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse. Stewart and Lautner we can understand, but what’s Robert Pattinson’s excuse? That he’s washing his hair? Oh, hardly.
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Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod! We can’t breathe! Eclipse is coming! It’s the new Twilight film! IT’S COMING!
We’re SO EXCITED! So when we heard that there was an Eclipse teaser trailer on the internet, we almost wet our pants. Then we watched it, realised that nothing actually happens in it and wet our pants anyway because OH GOD IT’S ROBERT PATTINSON! He looks even more like a creepy aristocratic heroin addict than EVER! Eclipse is going to RULE so HARD!
But anyway, we’ve decided to break down the new Eclipse teaser trailer into all its important parts for you. Why, because we love you. No, not really – we actually find you sort of repulsive. But arse-all else has happened today, and we’d be foolish not to take the chance to wind up some boggle-eyed 13-year-old girls when the opportunity presented itself, wouldn’t we?
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Oh no. Twilight has started swapping its actors around again, and you know how furious that makes its fans.
So who’s out now? Has Taylor Lautner been elbowed? Has the recession forced producers to replace two of the New Moon Wolf Pack with some rudimentary kebab-meat statues of Adam Rickett? Has Robert Pattinson quit Twilight because he’s tired wiping teeny urine off his front door every morning?
No. It’s the character of Victoria – Rachelle Lefevre is out and Bryce Dallas Howard is in. We suppose we should draft up that ‘Robert Pattinson gets Bryce Dallas Howard pregnant’ article, then.
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Well that didn’t last very long. There we were, bracing ourselves for Twilight: Eclipse‘s months-long reign.
