Directing a Twilight film is a big job. Are you faithful to the book? Can you make Robert Pattinson look vaguely human?

Do you hate Twilight with such a passion that the thought of it alone makes you want to sick up some blood into a nun’s eye? If you’ve answered yes to all of these questions then you’re perfectly suited to be a Twilight director. Just look at Twilight 3 director David Slade – before he was hired he wrote on Twitter that he wouldn’t watch Twilight drunk, on acid or at gunpoint.

Which, we think, means that we’re directing Twilight 4.

In a way, Twilight and Twitter are virtually identical. For starters they both share the same first syllable. Secondly, they’re both wild phenomenons that aren’t really as good as everyone says they are. Secondly, fans of both can only speak in short sentences – in the case of Twitter this is because there’s an unbreakable 140-character limit to each entry, and in the case of Twilight it’s because everyone who likes it has clinically got the mental age of a bloody toddler.

But we’re digressing. If you write about Twilight on Twitter then chances are your average Twitter entry is either something like this: ‘OMG ROBERT PATTINSON’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE ANGEL’S BREATH!! I’M INVOLUNTARILY URINATING **SO HARD** RIGHT NOW!’ or something like this: ‘Twilight drunk? No, not even drunk. Twilight on acid? No, not even on acid. Twilight at gunpoint? Just shoot me.’

If you wrote the last one, then that’s kind of regrettable, because it means that you’re David Slade and you wrote it before you realised that you’d be directing Twilight 3 later this year. MTV explains:

Slade’s Twitter page, which has now been deleted, once contained some biting remarks about Twilight. And back in November, when Slade was on the WJFK’s BDK Movie Show, he discussed the Twitter post. “So, yesterday we were trying to find a movie to see, and we’d seen all the good ones. And … having directed a vampire film and really gone for something completely different to the kind of romantic, you know, repressed-hormone teen-vampire movie, we really weren’t interested in seeing Twilight.”

This all leaves David Slade in quite the sticky situation – now that everyone knows how he feels about Twilight, he can expect a heavy backlash at any moment. Especially with the hardcore Twilight fans – remember the fuss they made when Taylor Lautner was almost fired? This’ll be exactly the same, so brace yourselves for a million online petitions to replace David Slade with someone more sympathetic to the needs of Twilight‘s female teenage audience, like one of the Jonas Brothers or a Bratz doll or something.

Still, at least David Slade has had the decency to admit that he doesn’t like Twilight – a sentiment that we suspect he shares with the bulk of the Twilight crew, at least 50% of the principle Twilight cast and most of the people who watch Twilight once they’ve grown up a bit and learnt the difference between good and bad.

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The Twilight movies are unique, in that a monkey could direct them, so long as it was a) cheap and b) fast.

And able to make Robert Pattinson look suitably vacant. But that one’s a given. Anyway, rumour has it that Twilight is about to break from the norm by hiring a director who’s shown signs of basic competency to direct Twilight 3. According to reports, Juan Antonio Bayona of The Orphanage is onboard.

However, according to some other reports, Drew Barrymore is going to direct Twilight 3. Phew, that was close – for a second there we almost wanted to see it.

Although only one of them has been released – and although we resolutely refuse to watch it on the basis that we’re not 14-year-old girls from Idaho, we don’t wear a purity ring and we don’t wish that we had a vampire boyfriend who looks like a crayon face on a plank of wood with an abused cat sellotaped to the top of it – it’s pretty clear that the Twilight movies stick to a pretty rigid formula.

That formula, as if you needed to be told, involves writing, filming, editing and releasing any old piece of crap you can within the space of about six weeks while blindly panicking that today’s fickle youth are going to move onto their next cacky fad at any minute. It’s why Twilight 2 has started filming four months after Twilight 1 was released, and why Twlight 3 is going to come out about six seconds after Twilight 2.

That’s why the Twilight producers, this far, haven’t really bothered to implement much in the way of quality control when it comes to the Twilight directors. Twilight was directed by the woman who made the rubbish nativity film, Twilight 2 is being directed by the man who destroyed The Golden Compass and Twilight 3… well, that’s where things get interesting.

Depending on who you believe, Twilight 3 is either going to be directed by Juan Antonio Bayona – protege of Pan’s Labyrinth mastermind Guillermo Del Toro and director of the surprisingly creepy 2007 Spanish horror The Orphanage – or Drew Barrymore, who many of you will know as either a cocaine-snorting 13-year-old or the actress who only makes terrible romantic comedies these days.

For the sake of our health, let’s assume it’s the former. MTV reports:

Many names have been tossed into the “Eclipse” director chair, but at this point the front-runner to helm the third movie in the “Twilight” saga is Guillermo del Toro protégé Juan Antonio Bayona. Although many have been rumored to direct the film, including “New Moon” director Chris Weitz’s brother, Paul Weitz, at this point Bayona seems like he’s in the lead.

While it’s obviously a shame that Paul Weitz won’t be directing Twilight 3 – especially since they could have got Chris Weitz’s sister’s dentist to do Twilight 4 and dovetailed it off nicely – we’re sure that whoever ends up as the Twilight 3 director will be just fine, so long as they remember the three golden rules of Twilight:

1 - Put Robert Pattinson in all the scenes, even the ones where it’s dramatically important that he doesn’t appear.

2 – Simplify everything: imagine that you’re telling your story to idiots. Literal idiots.

3 - Turn the volume up. The sound of 250 teenage girls wetting themselves at once can drown out a surprising amount of dialogue, you know.

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Good news, Twilight fans – the producers have realised that you’ll all hate Twilight the instant you hit puberty.

Seriously, they’re chucking the buggers out. Although the first Twilight movie was only released about 10 minutes ago, Twilight 2 is coming out in November – and now it’s been announced that Twilight 3 is coming out seven months after that.

It’s a bit like when pea-growers freeze their peas minutes quickly before they stop being fresh – except this is about rubbish Christian emo films instead of peas, and a chronic fear of Robert Pattinson getting bald and even more facially warped instead of some off peas.

If you like Twilight, then you’ve just hit the jackpot. To be fair, you’d already hit the jackpot because if you like Twilight then you’re probably still at junior school and so the biggest problem in your life involves not wearing down your red Crayola before any of the others – but this time you’re double lucky.

Why? Because we’ve got two exciting pieces of Twilight news for you – first, Twilight 2 officially has a full name now – it’ll be called The Twilight Saga: New Moon. And second, Twilight 3 is going to be coming out so soon after The Twilight Saga: New Moon that you’ll probably want to vomit.

Incidentally, before we go on, Twilight 3 doesn’t have a formal title yet, but the smart money’s on it being called Twilight Presents: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Revenge Of The Twilight: Starring Twilight And The All-Star Twilight Players (:). We’re almost completely certain that this is true.

But anyway, as we were saying, it’s been announced that Twilight 3 will be coming out just seven months after its predecessor, which means it’s almost certainly going to be awful. MTV explains why:

Figuring in the roughly three months that Chris Weitz required to prepare the second film, that gives the director of the third movie barely four months to shoot it, edit it, get the special effects up to speed and put the film in theaters… As Hollywood has shown us time and time again, hastily-made sequels like “Legally Blonde 2,” “Conan the Destroyer” and the “Saw” films often, well, suck.

So, yes, Twilight 3 is probably going to be awful. But since when has that been news? After all, Twilight was almost unwatchably pap, and that took about three years to make.

But, on the other hand, you can the thought process that’s gone into this. Rushing out the Twilight sequels regardless of quality will cut out a lot of the problems that the Harry Potter series faced – a gruelling filming schedule will make it hard for Robert Pattinson to rush off and star in the first piece of overblown theatrical guff that allows him to take his willy out, for example.

Plus at this rate the Twilight phenomenon will be over by next Christmas, which will allow its fans to get on with more pressing activities like building a gymkhana out of lollipop sticks for their My Little Pony or getting potty-trained.

And besides, at least making the Twilight films this way eliminates the prospect of Twilight 4 coming out so far in the future that Kristen Stewart‘s ovaries will shrivel up and prolapse midway through the second act. Although, then again, that would make it easier for her to maintain her chastity. Swings and roundabouts, really.

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