Seriously, they’re chucking the buggers out. Although the first Twilight movie was only released about 10 minutes ago, Twilight 2 is coming out in November – and now it’s been announced that Twilight 3 is coming out seven months after that.

It’s a bit like when pea-growers freeze their peas minutes quickly before they stop being fresh – except this is about rubbish Christian emo films instead of peas, and a chronic fear of Robert Pattinson getting bald and even more facially warped instead of some off peas.

If you like Twilight, then you’ve just hit the jackpot. To be fair, you’d already hit the jackpot because if you like Twilight then you’re probably still at junior school and so the biggest problem in your life involves not wearing down your red Crayola before any of the others – but this time you’re double lucky.

Why? Because we’ve got two exciting pieces of Twilight news for you – first, Twilight 2 officially has a full name now – it’ll be called The Twilight Saga: New Moon. And second, Twilight 3 is going to be coming out so soon after The Twilight Saga: New Moon that you’ll probably want to vomit.

Incidentally, before we go on, Twilight 3 doesn’t have a formal title yet, but the smart money’s on it being called Twilight Presents: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Revenge Of The Twilight: Starring Twilight And The All-Star Twilight Players (:). We’re almost completely certain that this is true.

But anyway, as we were saying, it’s been announced that Twilight 3 will be coming out just seven months after its predecessor, which means it’s almost certainly going to be awful. MTV explains why:

Figuring in the roughly three months that Chris Weitz required to prepare the second film, that gives the director of the third movie barely four months to shoot it, edit it, get the special effects up to speed and put the film in theaters… As Hollywood has shown us time and time again, hastily-made sequels like “Legally Blonde 2,” “Conan the Destroyer” and the “Saw” films often, well, suck.

So, yes, Twilight 3 is probably going to be awful. But since when has that been news? After all, Twilight was almost unwatchably pap, and that took about three years to make.

But, on the other hand, you can the thought process that’s gone into this. Rushing out the Twilight sequels regardless of quality will cut out a lot of the problems that the Harry Potter series faced – a gruelling filming schedule will make it hard for Robert Pattinson to rush off and star in the first piece of overblown theatrical guff that allows him to take his willy out, for example.

Plus at this rate the Twilight phenomenon will be over by next Christmas, which will allow its fans to get on with more pressing activities like building a gymkhana out of lollipop sticks for their My Little Pony or getting potty-trained.

And besides, at least making the Twilight films this way eliminates the prospect of Twilight 4 coming out so far in the future that Kristen Stewart’s ovaries will shrivel up and prolapse midway through the second act. Although, then again, that would make it easier for her to maintain her chastity. Swings and roundabouts, really.

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But that’s not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it’s going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won’t have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more.

The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.

One of the biggest letdowns about Twilight for us – apart from the boring story, the creepy pro-conservative agenda, the direction, the acting, the lighting, the makeup, the setting, the title screen, the costumes and the constant bloody Robert Pattinson with his stupid hair and funny accent and “Blah blah blah, look at me, I’m Robert Pattinson, I’m so great” - was the soundtrack.

Because while Paramore are good – no, actually we take that back. Paramore are terrible. Paramore are the worst band in history. We’d rather listen to a zoo burn down than listen to Paramore – they weren’t a great fit for the Twilight audience. True, they nailed Twilight’s penchant for toothless emo and religious flag-waving, but the people who saw Twilight were all screaming irrational 14-year-old female dingbats, and Paramore just didn’t reflect that.

But you know who does? The Jonas Brothers, that’s who.

As part of their evil plan to gain total cultural omnipotence despite being a gaggle of oddly-eyebrowed virgins, The Jonas Brothers have decided that they want to join the likes of Dakota Fanning and that weedy werewolf chap in playing a part in Twilight 2. Even though, you know, none of them have actually seen Twilight. MTV reports:

“The movie was obviously a huge success, and if they asked us to be a part of [the sequel], that would be great,” Nick Jonas said. “It would be really cool.” “That would be really cool,” agreed Joe and Kevin. [But] before they can do much more “New Moon” campaigning, the chart-topping trio still need to actually sit down and watch “Twilight.” “I haven’t seen it,” Joe admitted. “But I have heard it’s a great movie.”

Genius. The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2 even though they haven’t got a clue what it’s about. That’s actually incredible. In fact, why stop there? We want to see The Jonas Brothers offer to write songs for other films they haven’t seen just because they happen to be popular, too. By the end of the year we want to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop, The Dark Knight, There Will Be Blood, Last Tango In Paris, Emmanuelle vs. Dracula and Faces Of Death all re-released on DVD featuring a soundtrack exclusively made up of shiny-faced Jonas Brothers pop songs.

Oh, we’re just kidding. The Jonas Brothers would be a wonderful fit for Twilight 2. They all already look a bit like angst-ridden werewolves as it is, plus the sound of their Grammy duet with Stevie Wonder is a million times more frightening than anything we’ve ever heard in a horror movie.

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But if you’re not then Dakota Fanning could completely ignore Twilight 2 and she’d still be more excited than you. Because, as a normal person with a normal person’s idea of the difference between good and terrible, you couldn’t be less excited about Twilight 2 if it came with a written confirmation that the final scene would involve Robert Pattinson being kicked in the testicles by a furious mule.

Anyway, Dakota Fanning is more excited than that. Because she’s almost definitely going to be in Twilight 2 now.

The casting process for Twilight 2 has been so completely haphazard that we’re starting to believe that it’s actually a clever promotional trick to keep people interested in the film. First Taylor Lautner was going to be replaced, before the producers changed their minds. Then Vanessa Hudgens was going to get a role, before the producers changed their minds.

At this rate, if there’s a story next week saying that Robert Pattinson was being replaced by Blakey from On The Buses with a bird’s nest on his head for Twilight 2, we’re sure we’d fall for that as well. The resemblance is uncanny, after all.

So if we were Dakota Fanning, we’d be absolutely bricking ourselves right now. Ever since her name was first connected with Twilight 2, Dakota Fanning has known that it was her big chance to move on. No longer would she be the spooky-looking kid from hundreds of mostly-lousy movies. No, if Dakota Fanning landed the role of Jane in Twilight 2 then she’d be known as the spooky-looking teenager from one very specific lousy movie, and that’s much better.

But Dakota Fanning has a wise head on her shoulders, and she knows that the Twilight producers aren’t so great at sticking to their decisions, so she’s doing the only thing she can to make sure she gets the job – endless, exhausting cheerleading for the role in public. People reports:

Dakota Fanning is ready to bare her fangs as vampire Jane in the Twilight sequel New Moon. “I really hope it works out,” Fanning, 14, told Hitfix.com while promoting her current thriller, Push. “It would be a really fantastic experience, I’m sure.”

We don’t know why Dakota Fanning is going to so much effort here – even as a ten-year-old she was the best thing about most of the crappy films she starred in, so four years later it’d be stupid if the producers weren’t desperate to sign her up for Twilight 2. At the very least it’d be an interesting experiment to see what’d happen if a real actor was allowed to mingle with the charisma-free, hollow-cheeked haircut models that make up the rest of the Twilight cast.

Besides, it’s not as if Dakota wants to go her entire career with The Cat In The Hat as her all-time worst movie ever, is it? This one will challenge that title nicely, we’re sure.

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Teenagers with comically bad haircuts, yes. But Twilight just didn’t have as many freakishly intense, frighteningly composed big-eyed children who look like they crawl out and eat your thoughts at night as we expected. But that doesn’t matter, because Dakota Fanning could be in Twilight 2 and she’s exactly that.

According to reports, Dakota Fanning will play Jane in New Moon, a vampire who ‘creates illusions of pain’. We’ve seen Hide And Seek, so we know she’s great at that already.

Kids these days, eh? They grow up so damn fast. Why, just look at dear old Dakota Fanning. Time was when she was nothing more than the spooky-looking kid from War Of The Worlds whose parents were so determined to make her a megastar that they happily let her star in a child-rape movie when she was 12 years old.

But look at her now! Our little Dakota is all growed up. Why, it’ll only be a few years before she can get shitfaced on drugs and smash her car up like the creepy kid from The Sixth Sense. But in the meantime Dakota Fanning may as well slap on too much eyeliner, pretend that Paramore are a tolerable band and sign up for Twilight 2.

That’s right, following the sad news that Vanessa Hudgens won’t be in Twilight 2 because of the dearth of songs about being yourself and helping your friends, it’s been reported that Dakota Fanning – everyone’s favourite ghostly-looking childstar from 2005 – is being lined up instead. MTV reports:

New reports are claiming that star of Man on Fire and War of The Worlds, Dakota Fanning is in talks to play a vampire in Twilight sequel New Moon... The Chris Weitz sequel is scheduled to begin filming at the end of March with Fanning (14) lined up to play Volturi member Jane. In the Twilight novels, Jane is an Italian vampire whose special power is the ability to create illusions of pain.

Ah yes, Jane who creates illusions of pain. It’s easy to tell which Volturi member is which in Twilight 2 because their names all rhyme with their special power. There’s Jane who creates illusions of pain, Alec who makes things metallic, Marcus who can reanimate your carcass and Renata the dirty farter. Look it up if you don’t believe us. It’s what she’s really called. It’s all in the book.

Still, it’s brave of Dakota Fanning to take on a bit-part in a movie franchise after spending such a long time being the star of her own films. It might seem like a little detour from her ‘new Jodie Foster‘ career path to begin with, but don’t forget that Dakota Fanning is still young – she’s still got plenty of time to inspire rabid fans to blow up airports on her behalf and become a lesbian and whatnot. It all works out in the end.

And anyway, we honestly believe that Dakota Fanning will be a great addition to the Twilight 2 cast alongside the mullety beefcake and Robert Pattinson’s stupid haircut. We’re being serious – we’re really looking forward to avoiding her like the absolute titting raging bastard plague when Twilight 2 comes out.

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And, um, that’s about it. But, sadly, the Twilight sequel doesn’t require any of these talents, so Vanessa Hudgens won’t star in it any more. Vanessa Hudgens has denied rumours that she auditioned for the role of Sexy Naked Lady Werewolf 4 in Twilight 2.

Twilight fans will be thrilled – they never wanted an embarrassingly cheesy tween star like Vanessa in their movie to begin with. No, Twilight is all about embarrassingly faux-rebellious tween stars. And silly-haired pipecleaners. And that’s how it’ll stay, damnit!

We’re having serious reservations about Twilight 2, you know. Sure, we could take the fact that the director had changed, and the casting issues didn’t really bother us too much. And we only cried for about two hours when we found out about Robert Pattinson’s haircut. But this?

This is just beyond a joke. Let us explain. On Monday we told you that High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens had auditioned for Twilight 2, and we were thrilled. It would have been such a perfect fit. Both High School Musical and Twilight share a common theme – that pre-marital sex is evil.

True, that theme was more explicit in Twilight – where it was suggested that if you have sex too young a dreary vampire with hair that looks like a dog wound will kill you – but it would have been dealt with more fully in High School Musical had the writers found a good rhyme for ‘abortion clinic’ in the song Bop To The Top.

But that’s not the point. Vanessa Hudgens was going to be starring as a werewolf in the sequel to Twilight, and we were so prepared. We’d found our old Vanessa Hudgens High School Musical doll, stripped her naked like in those internet pictures, glued some of our pubes to her face to make her look a bit more werewolfy and forced her to have nine-hour makeout sessions with our Robert Pattinson Twilight doll. Those were probably the happiest moments of our lives.

But now? Now Vanessa Hudgens has taken our heart and stamped all over it. She’s denied doing any Twilight 2 auditions at all, the big witch. Showbiz Spy reports:

It was claimed earlier this week that Hudgens was gunning for the role of female werewolf Leah Clearwater in the eagerly-awaited second film in Stephenie Meyer’s vampire franchise. But a representative for Hudgens has dismissed the speculation. The spokesperson said, “I don’t know anything about the audition. As far as I know, it’s just a rumor.”

It’s hard news to swallow, we know. That girl from the films you refuse to watch because you’re not a 12-year-old girl won’t be starring in the films you refuse to watch because you’re not a 14-year-old girl. Somehow, together, we’re going to get through this.

But can you really believe what Vanessa Hudgens’ spokesperson said? After all, it was a Twilight castmember who reported Vanessa’s audition in the first place. So maybe all isn’t as it seems. Which is why we think it’s much more likely that Vanessa Hudgens did audition for Twilight 2 but was so abominably bad that she got turned down.

Either that or Vanessa Hudgens went to the Twilight audition, realised that she’d have to spend four months sucking in her cheeks, wearing a silly amount of eye make-up, staring off into the middle-distance in the mistaken belief that it made her look deep and listening to piss-awful Paramore songs on repeat until her ears started to bleed, and turned the role down.

Either way, we’re heartbroken.

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Oh, OK, Vanessa Hudgens is only auditioning for one of the roles in Twilight 2. It’s as good as signed, though, especially since the second Twilight novel ends with everyone performing a mass singalong to a song entitled I Believe In You (Sexy Vampire Of My Heart).

Vanessa Hudgens’ Twilight signing also proves that, rather than promoting pre-martial abstinence, Twilight is really all about getting your tits and mimsy out on the internet. Hear that, Robert Pattinson? Your mimsy.

Twilight and High School Musical already have a lot in common, you know. For instance, they both share a creepily chaste pseudo-religious conservative worldview. And they both star lead actors who look like they’ve been moulded out of a single piece of plastic and then dipped head-first into a box marked ’silly hair’. And, obviously, both High School Musical and Twilight are squarely aimed at people too young to properly know the difference between a good film and an awful one yet.

But it looks as though High School Musical and Twilight might share one more thing in common, too – they both star that girl who got naked on the internet that time. Sort of. According to reports, Vanessa Hudgens is hard at work auditioning for the role of Leah Clearwater – who’s either a sassy cheerleader who believes in the power of friendship or a werewolf. It’s not like we care about this enough to find out or anything. MTV reports:

“High School Musical” starlet Vanessa Hudgens has apparently taken the next step and auditioned for the role, according to “Twilight” actress Ashley Greene. We ran into Alice herself at a Golden Globes afterparty, and she told us she’d be happy to co-star with Hudgens. “I think she’d be great,” Greene enthused.

We, too, think that Vanessa Hudgens would be great for the Twilight family. After all, she’d have great chemistry with Robert Pattinson since she’s already going out with one simpering personality-vacuum as it is. Plus, everyone knows that the final Twilight book ends with a lesbian three-way between Leah Clearwater, Kristen Stewart and the lead singer of Paramore, and Vanessa Hudgens is already way ahead when it comes to vaguely hinting at lesbianism.

We have to say, though, that Vanessa Hudgens is being extremely savvy in picking her movie roles. First she stars in a bunch of films made for bright-eyed tweens who wear purity rings, and now she’s going to star in a bunch of films for very slightly older tweens who have decided that being bright-eyed is lame but still wear purity rings and paint their fingernails black because they saw it in an Avril Lavigne video once and thought it looked cool.

You see what she’s doing? Vanessa Hudgens is growing up with her audience. Once Twilight’s audience grows up a little bit more and realises that Twilight is a bag of arses, we’re fully expecting Vanessa Hudgens to jump ship and make a movie that spoofs the stupidity of Twilight, and that should take the audience up to their late twenties. After that it’ll be 30 years of porn followed by a soul-destroying stint presenting informercials for second-hand caravans. Because that is what the audience will want. Trust us.

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Sure, it meant Taylor Lautner had to make one film where he barely registered because everyone was creaming themselves dizzy over Robert Pattinson and his ridiculous homeless haircut – but in the Twilight sequels, Jacob is a lead.

Jacob, mind you, not Taylor – according to reports, everyone thinks that Taylor Lautner is too much of a scrawny little pissbag to play Jacob in Twilight 2, so he’s doing everything to save his job. If you need him, he’ll be over there mainlining doughnuts.

The official title for Twilight 2 – which we’re still going to keep calling Twilight 2 out of nothing more than petty spite, by the way – is New Moon. But perhaps a more appropriate title for it would be New Everything, because that seems to be the way that Twilight 2 is going.

First Twilight’s director Catherine Hardwicke was booted off the sequel – because, as we later discovered – she wasn’t Golden Compassy enough – and now it looks like Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob Black in Twilight, might be headed for a similar fate. Where will this end? Admittedly you could quite easily substitute Robert Pattinson for a plank of wood with a repulsively matted whore’s merkin on top of it and nobody would be able to tell the difference, but come on.

The problem seems to be that, in Twilight 2, Jacob Black becomes a sinewy, muscular werewolf. And meanwhile Taylor Lautner looks like a threadbare pipecleaner that’d burst into tears if you stared at it hard enough. We’d say that you could play the xylophone on Taylor Lautner’s ribs, but it’s not true – you could play the toy xylophone on Taylor Lautner’s ribs, but any songs you attempted would make a sound like a lonely pensioner sighing with disappointment because the postman hasn’t come again, and what’d be the point of that? Taylor Lautner is, in short, a weed.

So, with the news that the Twilight producers are keen to switch him with the larger Michael Copon from Scorpion King 2 – an actor who looks exactly like Lautner would if he had 15 snooker balls implanted under his skin – Taylor Lautner has decided to do something about it.

And that’s why, as we speak, Taylor Lautner is in the middle of a Rocky-style training montage that’s a bit lighter on the ‘running up stairs’ part and a little heavier on the ‘having melted cheese poured into his mouth through a funnel for 16 hours a day’ part as People reports:

“I have been working out. I’ve been working out since the day we finished filming Twilight. I just weighed myself today; I’ve put on 19 lbs.,” Lautner told MTV on Wednesday night. And Lautner says he’s meeting this week with director Chris Weitz to make – and show – his case. “I’m guaranteeing Weitz 10 more [pounds] by filming,” the star said at the InStyle-sponsored bash in West Hollywood.

OK, maybe we’ve been a little unkind to Taylor Lautner here – it’s actually completely admirable that he’s met his criticism head-on to keep his place on Twilight 2. And we honestly hope that his sudden 13kg weight gain will convince Chris Weitz to let him star as Jacob Black for the rest of the series.

True, if he does keep his job, Twilight 2 might need a rewrite to make Jacob the first borderline-obese werewolf in history who travels everywhere on a Segway because he gets out of breath even walking to the toilet any more, but the Twilight fans want what they want.

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After all, the Twilight 2 director would need to be adept at dealing with teenagers, understanding the romantic pull of the source text and – most importantly – be able to follow the lead of the first movie by creating an expansive fantasy book adaptation that ends up as a horribly unintelligible mess that nobody could ever genuinely be proud of.

And that’s why the director of Twilight 2 has been announced as Chris Weitz, the director of The Golden Compass. Clever move, movie studio, clever move.

Everyone was a little bit stunned when it was announced that Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke wasn’t going to direct Twilight 2, not least Catherine Hardwicke herself, we’d imagine. Nobody knows for sure why Hardwicke was moved off the Twilight sequel, but it appears that it could be one of the following:

1 - Catherine Hardwicke wanted some preparation time for Twilight 2 and the studio just wanted it pumped out as quickly as possible before the fad blows over.

2 - The success of Twilight sent Catherine Hardwicke into the raging depths of egomania, and she refused to direct the sequel unless she was taken to and from the set in a golden Cinderella carriage and the movie was renamed Catherine Hardwicke’s Twilight 2.

3 - Catherine Hardwicke has breasts and a vagina, which is generally looked down upon in Hollywood.

But, for whatever reason, it left an empty director’s chair on the Twilight 2 set, and one that needed to be filled before someone else decided to adapt a wishy-washy conservative doctrine disguised as a teenage fantasy epic into a movie and stole its glory. And that meant that Twilight’s studio Summit Entertainment couldn’t dilly-dally.

It had to pick a new director fast. Any director. Even if that director had recently made a notoriously bad movie adaptation of a famous children’s fantasy book and was therefore probably the least qualified movie director on the face of the planet to take it on. Which is just as well, because it’s picked Chris Weitz to direct Twilight 2, and he directed The Golden Compass, for God’s sake. The Hollywood Reporter reports:

Chris Weitz has been tapped to helm “New Moon,” the sequel to Summit Entertainment’s vampire breakout “Twilight.” [Stephenie] Meyer penned a letter that sought to calm fans nervous about the midstream switch. “I’m sad that Catherine is not continuing on with us for ‘New Moon,’ she wrote in a letter on her Web site, but then noted that, with Weitz: “Torches and pitchforks aren’t going to be necessary.”

Oh come on, Stephanie Meyer, all this public hand-wringing really isn’t necessary – you know as well as we do that Twilight 2 could be about nothing more than Robert Pattinson trimming his nasal hair and all your ridiculous female 14-year-old fans would scream themselves hoarse and lose all control of their bladders by the middle of the first act.

Anyway, even though he’s the director of a notoriously underperforming children’s fantasy book, we’re positive that Chris Weitz will be a perfect director for Twilight 2. Having co-directed American Pie with his brother, Chris Weitz knows teenagers inside out, and therefore there’s bound to be a scene of Kirsten Stewart whacking herself off with a musical instrument in it somewhere.

And Chris Weitz will obviously get the most out of Twilight 2’s young cast – especially Robert Pattinson. Weitz has worked with Nicole Kidman, remember, so he’s well-experienced when it comes to directing charisma-free actors who only have one facial expression but are still somehow bewilderingly thought of as attractive.

Most of all, though, we can totally see the logic in letting Chris Weitz direct Twilight 2. Look at it this way – if he can take a children’s book that’s actually quite good and turn it into a pointless car-crash of a movie that everyone hates, then he should be able to take a rubbishy car-crash book and turn it into something quite good.

That’s how it works, right?

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The first one of these is undoubtedly a good thing, and the third one at least distracts from the nagging sensation that Robert Pattinson is basically an even-less charismatic Orlando Bloom with better hair, but the second one? That could well be a problem.

So, to try and make Twilight 2 less rubbish, it’s been announced that Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke has been bumped out of the way to let someone else have a bash at the sequel. Which is, um, news. We think.

Twilight – the book and movie series that makes people sorry they ever slagged off Harry Potter – can’t be stopped at the moment. It’s still riding high at the box office, its Fisher Price Columbine soundtrack is still making 14-year-old girls feel deeper than they actually are and Twilight star Robert Pattinson is still the heart-throb pin-up of the moment – a role he’ll enjoy until he goes bald and everyone realises that his skull is shaped like seven spanners in a deflated balloon.

However, if there’s one thing that can be said about Twilight, it’s that it was rubbish. Unstoppably, majestically rubbish. It didn’t matter, of course – cinema ushers still have to scrub the 14-year-old urine out of the seats after every showing – but that’s mainly because nobody has ever invented a 14-year-old girl who wasn’t an idiot.

Metacritic gave Twilight 56%, while Rottentomatoes was slightly less forgiving, awarding it 55% – the same as huge hits like Vacancy and Ocean’s Twelve – and that was no good for Twilight’s studio. They didn’t want to make a hokey abstinence-promoting emo film about nothing – they wanted to make art.

So who should Twilight’s rubbishness be blamed on? The actors? Stephenie Meyer, the woman who wrote the poxy thing to begin with? The cloth-eared dickface who decided to put Paramore on the Twilight soundtrack? No. It looks like the blame is being laid at the feet of Catherine Hardwicke, Twilight’s director.

Despite being the woman who, just a few short weeks ago, gleefully announced Twilight 2 to the world, it’s just been revealed that the movie has been snatched away from Hardwicke and will be directed by someone else. Reuters reports:

Hardwicke had until recently been thought a candidate to direct the sequel but word began to circulate in the industry that her relationship with series producer Summit Entertainment has not always been smooth. On Sunday, Summit confirmed that Hardwicke would not direct the film, saying in a statement that its plans to release the film in late 2009 or early 2010 did not mesh with Hardwicke’s required prep time.

OK, we take back all that stuff about art. It seems like Catherine Hardwicke has been shoved out of the way of Twilight 2 because she wants to take her time and make the adaptation the best it can be, while Summit is just crapping itself about getting all four Twilight movies released before its audience hits 20 and suddenly realises what an unmitigated pile of nonsense the whole thing is.

So who’s going to direct Twilight 2? Well, given the time constraints, the pro-religious subtext, the fact that Catherine Hardwicke directed a movie about baby Jesus once and the way that only someone really desperate for work would seriously consider directing it, there’s only really one option.

You heard us. The ‘Mel Gibson for Twilight 2‘ campaign starts here.

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You do? Well then, we’ve got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you’re an infuriating bellsack.

Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly – the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don’t actually exist. Brokenhearted, they’ll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that’s what we hope, anyway.

Now that JK Rowling has stopped writing Harry Potter books to pursue a full-time career of throwing handfuls of money in the air and jigging about gleefully as it rains back down over her head, teenagers have been in dire need of a new slightly patronising fantasy movie about people just like them. Well, like them except prettier, cleverer and less like to spend 45 minutes each morning squeezing giant hunks of rancid pus out of their foreheads every morning.

Anyway, in Twilight that’s exactly what they got. For the uninitiated, here are three fun Twilight facts:

1 - Twilight is about a girl who meets a sexy boy vampire who wants to have it off with her, or bite her, or something, but he won’t because he’s essentially a fantasy figure for regret-filled menopausal women. Also, teenage girls like him because he’s got nice hair.

2 - The Christian rock band Paramore feature heavily on the Twilight soundtrack, which instantly renders Twilight unwatchable because Paramore are objectively the worst band in history.

3 - Twilight is a box office sensation.

And, thanks to number three, and possibly the bit in number one about the vampire’s nice hair, the movie’s producer Summit Entertainment has officially greenlit Twilight 2, as Reuters reports:

The makers of hit film “Twilight” said they have given the go-ahead to produce a new movie based on the second book, “New Moon”, in the popular series of vampire novels by Stephenie Meyer. Meyer said she was “thrilled” to be making another movie. “I don’t think any other author has had a more positive experience with the makers of her movie adaptation than I have had with Summit Entertainment,” she said.

At least that’s what Reuters thought Stephanie Meyers said – she was too busy dancing around her newly-palatial living room in a top hat and shovelling clumps of suckling pig into her mouth to be completely coherent – but it doesn’t matter. Twilight 2 is happening.

Not that you need to get excited about it yet, because Twilight 2 won’t be released until 2010 and, since it’s a teen-centred movie based around vaguely religious and moral themes, Twilight star Kirsten Stewart is duty-obliged to get knocked up by a stranger and throw the shooting schedule out of whack long before then.

And it doesn’t even matter if Twilight 2 manages to get an even lower score from movie critics than the original, either. The movie is critic-proof. After all, teenage girls like Twilight, and they know quality when they see it. For instance, teenage girls used to love Jason Orange from Take That and, actually, no, Jason Orange had a face like an inflamed verruca. Bad example.

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