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Twilight 3: Coming Out About Three Seconds After Twilight 2

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Good news, Twilight fans – the producers have realised that you’ll all hate Twilight the instant you hit puberty.

Seriously, they’re chucking the buggers out. Although the first Twilight movie was only released about 10 minutes ago, Twilight 2 is coming out in November – and now it’s been announced that Twilight 3 is coming out seven months after that.

It’s a bit like when pea-growers freeze their peas minutes quickly before they stop being fresh – except this is about rubbish Christian emo films instead of peas, and a chronic fear of Robert Pattinson getting bald and even more facially warped instead of some off peas.

The Jonas Brothers Want In On Twilight 2, Begin Sobbing Now

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So far the Twilight 2 checklist includes Dakota Fanning, scrawny werewolves and a dildo with a funny haircut.

But that’s not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it’s going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won’t have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more.

The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.

Dakota Fanning Much More Excited About Twilight 2 Than You Are

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The headline’s comparative – if you’re 14 years old, that means Dakota Fanning is really excited about Twilight 2.

But if you’re not then Dakota Fanning could completely ignore Twilight 2 and she’d still be more excited than you. Because, as a normal person with a normal person’s idea of the difference between good and terrible, you couldn’t be less excited about Twilight 2 if it came with a written confirmation that the final scene would involve Robert Pattinson being kicked in the testicles by a furious mule.

Anyway, Dakota Fanning is more excited than that. Because she’s almost definitely going to be in Twilight 2 now.

Dakota Fanning To Make Twilight 2 Genuinely Creepy?

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As popular as Twilight was, it didn’t really fill anyone’s quotient of spooked-out kids who put the willies up everyone.

Teenagers with comically bad haircuts, yes. But Twilight just didn’t have as many freakishly intense, frighteningly composed big-eyed children who look like they crawl out and eat your thoughts at night as we expected. But that doesn’t matter, because Dakota Fanning could be in Twilight 2 and she’s exactly that.

According to reports, Dakota Fanning will play Jane in New Moon, a vampire who ‘creates illusions of pain’. We’ve seen Hide And Seek, so we know she’s great at that already.

Sorry Kids, Vanessa Hudgens Won’t Be In Twilight 2

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Vanessa Hudgens is so multi-talented – she can sing, she can dance, she can pose naked on the internet.

And, um, that’s about it. But, sadly, the Twilight sequel doesn’t require any of these talents, so Vanessa Hudgens won’t star in it any more. Vanessa Hudgens has denied rumours that she auditioned for the role of Sexy Naked Lady Werewolf 4 in Twilight 2.

Twilight fans will be thrilled – they never wanted an embarrassingly cheesy tween star like Vanessa in their movie to begin with. No, Twilight is all about embarrassingly faux-rebellious tween stars. And silly-haired pipecleaners. And that’s how it’ll stay, damnit!

Vanessa Hudgens To Make Twilight 2 More Tweeny And Nude

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This is the news we’ve waited our entire lives for – Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical is going to be in Twilight 2!

Oh, OK, Vanessa Hudgens is only auditioning for one of the roles in Twilight 2. It’s as good as signed, though, especially since the second Twilight novel ends with everyone performing a mass singalong to a song entitled I Believe In You (Sexy Vampire Of My Heart).

Vanessa Hudgens’ Twilight signing also proves that, rather than promoting pre-martial abstinence, Twilight is really all about getting your tits and mimsy out on the internet. Hear that, Robert Pattinson? Your mimsy.

Taylor Lautner Chubbing The Flip Up To Stay In Twilight 2

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When Taylor Lautner landed the role of Jacob Black in Twilight, he must have thought all his Christmases had come at once.

Sure, it meant Taylor Lautner had to make one film where he barely registered because everyone was creaming themselves dizzy over Robert Pattinson and his ridiculous homeless haircut – but in the Twilight sequels, Jacob is a lead.

Jacob, mind you, not Taylor – according to reports, everyone thinks that Taylor Lautner is too much of a scrawny little pissbag to play Jacob in Twilight 2, so he’s doing everything to save his job. If you need him, he’ll be over there mainlining doughnuts.

Twilight 2 To Be Directed By… Oh Really? Him?

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

After Catherine Hardwicke left Twilight 2 for whatever reason, its studio needed to think extremely carefully about her replacement.

After all, the Twilight 2 director would need to be adept at dealing with teenagers, understanding the romantic pull of the source text and – most importantly – be able to follow the lead of the first movie by creating an expansive fantasy book adaptation that ends up as a horribly unintelligible mess that nobody could ever genuinely be proud of.

And that’s why the director of Twilight 2 has been announced as Chris Weitz, the director of The Golden Compass. Clever move, movie studio, clever move.

Twilight 2: Probably Directed By A Crazed Robert Pattinson Fan Now

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Twilight is well-known for three things: 1) it’s popular, 2) it’s rubbish and 3) ooh Robert Pattinson! He’s so dreamy!

The first one of these is undoubtedly a good thing, and the third one at least distracts from the nagging sensation that Robert Pattinson is basically an even-less charismatic Orlando Bloom with better hair, but the second one? That could well be a problem.

So, to try and make Twilight 2 less rubbish, it’s been announced that Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke has been bumped out of the way to let someone else have a bash at the sequel. Which is, um, news. We think.

There’s Going To Be A Twilight 2. Oh, Look Surprised

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Do you think that the world can never have enough rubbish-looking teenage vampire films featuring hamfisted pro-abstinence agendas?

You do? Well then, we’ve got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you’re an infuriating bellsack.

Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly – the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don’t actually exist. Brokenhearted, they’ll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that’s what we hope, anyway.