Articles tagged with: Twilight
Kristen Stewart Would Like Everyone To Eff Off Now, Please
There's a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now. Why? Just look at her. She doesn't just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin. And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.
There's a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now. Why? Just look at her. She doesn't just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin. And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart: Not A Couple (Unless They Are)
We don't know about you, but we wish that the events in Twilight and New Moon would happen in real life. We wish we knew a topless werewolf. We wish the world was really full of vampires. We really wish that Robert Pattinson would dissolve as soon as he comes in contact with sunlight. But, more than anything, we wish that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were a real couple. But, sadly, they're not. Robert Pattinson has told Vanity Fair as much. Which means that they are. Unless they've broken up. But they haven't. Probably. Unless they're not. Clear?
We don't know about you, but we wish that the events in Twilight and New Moon would happen in real life. We wish we knew a topless werewolf. We wish the world was really full of vampires. We really wish that Robert Pattinson would dissolve as soon as he comes in contact with sunlight. But, more than anything, we wish that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were a real couple. But, sadly, they're not. Robert Pattinson has told Vanity Fair as much. Which means that they are. Unless they've broken up. But they haven't. Probably. Unless they're not. Clear?
Taylor Lautner Wants Everyone To Stop Staring At His Nipples
NEW MOON SPOILER ALERT: We've heard from insiders that Taylor Lautner might take his shirt off in New Moon. But tell nobody. It's a secret. If you look closely at the New Moon marketing campaign, though, you might see hints. Like the way that, say, Taylor Lautner doesn't wear a shirt in any of the New Moon trailers. Or any of the New Moon posters. Or the way that he appears to have never worn an item of clothing on his torso ever, even briefly as a joke. And this upsets Taylor Lautner. He says he wants to be remembered for his acting, not his body. And he'll prove it with his next movie, The Topless Adventures Of Captain Areola And The Greased-Up Avengers.
NEW MOON SPOILER ALERT: We've heard from insiders that Taylor Lautner might take his shirt off in New Moon. But tell nobody. It's a secret. If you look closely at the New Moon marketing campaign, though, you might see hints. Like the way that, say, Taylor Lautner doesn't wear a shirt in any of the New Moon trailers. Or any of the New Moon posters. Or the way that he appears to have never worn an item of clothing on his torso ever, even briefly as a joke. And this upsets Taylor Lautner. He says he wants to be remembered for his acting, not his body. And he'll prove it with his next movie, The Topless Adventures Of Captain Areola And The Greased-Up Avengers.
Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is
Star Wars and Clone Wars. Folded: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (zip-line! The train! The mountains! Holy crap!) Batman bike leathers (these are either too cool for school or too sad for words. Not sure yet) A ‘state of the art film centre for London’s South Bank’ (so we can’t really afford £45 million quid at the moment, but what else is new?) The ...
Star Wars and Clone Wars. Folded: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (zip-line! The train! The mountains! Holy crap!) Batman bike leathers (these are either too cool for school or too sad for words. Not sure yet) A ‘state of the art film centre for London’s South Bank’ (so we can’t really afford £45 million quid at the moment, but what else is new?) The ...
Taylor Swift & Taylor Lautner: Smoochy Smooch Kiss Kiss?
Are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner? Well, yes. Yes, there are probably several. But are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now who have the same first name and might possibly be dating than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner? No. We mean, there might be. But we haven't checked. Seriously, what kind of joyless imbecile goes around finding couples who share a first name to see if they're more or less famous than other couples who share a first name? Not us, buddy. NOT US. Anyway, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner might be dating. That was our point.
Are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner? Well, yes. Yes, there are probably several. But are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now who have the same first name and might possibly be dating than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner? No. We mean, there might be. But we haven't checked. Seriously, what kind of joyless imbecile goes around finding couples who share a first name to see if they're more or less famous than other couples who share a first name? Not us, buddy. NOT US. Anyway, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner might be dating. That was our point.
Good News, Shrieking Idiots: Robert Pattinson Can’t Get A Date
Robert Pattinson might be one of the most famous haircuts in the world right now, but he still can't find a date. Don't get excited. That sentence probably needs a qualifier. Let's try this: Robert Pattinson still can't find a date... with anyone who isn't a witless honking teenage girl with bladder control problems, a rubbish haircut and a frankly dispiriting fixation with terrible films about vampires. So that's you ruled out, clearly. Anyway, it's apparently true. Robert Pattinson says he's having trouble in the love department. He's working on it, but first he needs to fix his problems in the haircut, acting range and charisma departments. It's good to prioritise.
Robert Pattinson might be one of the most famous haircuts in the world right now, but he still can't find a date. Don't get excited. That sentence probably needs a qualifier. Let's try this: Robert Pattinson still can't find a date... with anyone who isn't a witless honking teenage girl with bladder control problems, a rubbish haircut and a frankly dispiriting fixation with terrible films about vampires. So that's you ruled out, clearly. Anyway, it's apparently true. Robert Pattinson says he's having trouble in the love department. He's working on it, but first he needs to fix his problems in the haircut, acting range and charisma departments. It's good to prioritise.
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart ‘In Love’, And Other Nauseating Guff
New Moon will be released soon - so soon, in fact, that we can almost smell the mixture of black nail polish and teenage urine from here. But there's trouble on the horizon. According to magazine reports this week, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have dramatically fallen in love and their relationship is threatening to pull the success of New Moon apart. Wait, did we say 'threatening to pull New Moon apart'? Because we meant 'coming off like a cynical marketing stunt designed exclusively to make millions of useless teenage girls become even more unbearably excited about New Moon'. Our mistake.
New Moon will be released soon - so soon, in fact, that we can almost smell the mixture of black nail polish and teenage urine from here. But there's trouble on the horizon. According to magazine reports this week, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have dramatically fallen in love and their relationship is threatening to pull the success of New Moon apart. Wait, did we say 'threatening to pull New Moon apart'? Because we meant 'coming off like a cynical marketing stunt designed exclusively to make millions of useless teenage girls become even more unbearably excited about New Moon'. Our mistake.
OOOOOH – Twilight 3 Has A Red Barn In It – OOOOOH
As anyone who's anyone already knows, the Twilight series revolves around several gay vampires struggling to marry in California or something. Will the state's senate hear their pleas? Rumor has it we'll find out in the third film - Eclipse. Everyone's filming in a red barn right now, and the commonly accepted speculation is that this is where the bloodiest gay hoedown in cinematic history is supposed to take place. In the book it happens in chapter 4. Apparently onlookers are lined up outside the barn snapping tons of pictures - while you're stuck at a stupid desk. It's so unfair, life.
As anyone who's anyone already knows, the Twilight series revolves around several gay vampires struggling to marry in California or something. Will the state's senate hear their pleas? Rumor has it we'll find out in the third film - Eclipse. Everyone's filming in a red barn right now, and the commonly accepted speculation is that this is where the bloodiest gay hoedown in cinematic history is supposed to take place. In the book it happens in chapter 4. Apparently onlookers are lined up outside the barn snapping tons of pictures - while you're stuck at a stupid desk. It's so unfair, life.
