Amy Winehouse hasn’t been dead a month and already, we’re painted into a corner, forced to make light of it all. We kinda wanted to be respectful for a little longer but alas, the world works in such a way that we’re now required to mercilessly tear her death a new one.

See, despite the fact she’s barely cold, there’s plans to turn her into a television show already. Imagine that! A touching portrait of a troubled and talented young woman, broken up with commercials for WKD and toilet roll.

Of course, the family are bang into the idea of making some money on all this ‘famous cadaver’ thing.

A family source (aka, someone who once met one of the Winehouse family briefly in a pub years ago) said:

“The feeling is there wouldn’t be an actress under 30 who wouldn’t want to play her”

‘The first job is to get financial backing from co-production companies in the States. Some are showing interest because it’s a sure-fire money-spinner. They know anything Amy-related is going to be a huge success.”

And there are mutterings that Lady Gaga has already been approached to play Amy.

A mole told a tabloid some outrageous fibs:

‘Lady GaGa worshipped Amy and would love nothing more than to transform herself into her idol on the big screen.

‘She’d be spot on performing Amy’s songs and has got the right look and bolshy attitude. GaGa’s management team had been discussing possible film ventures before Amy’s untimely death. But there’s only ever been one role she wants and that’s to play Amy.’

Gaga has said that she went blonde because people used to mistake her for the late singer, so… er… that’s conclusive as anything right?

Either way, this is all a nonsense as there is only one woman who should be playing Amy Winehouse, and that’s Janice from Friends.

They could have her saying OH. MAI. GOWD. as she transcends to heaven.

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Here at hecklerspray, we know a good pie when we see one and our love of their consumption is legendary the world over. However, our combined level of the consumption of the humble steak and kidney can be rapidly outstripped by human food vacuum Cee Lo Green.

You might remember Cee Lo from that piss awful ‘Forget You’ number that was redone from being ‘F**k You’ in order to get more radio play and completely destroying what little artistic credibility he had based on his time as part of Gnarls Barkley. More recently, you might have heard that he’s not a big fan of the gays.

The famed cake enthusiast has explained his recent comments to music critic Andrea Swensson that were perceived as being homophobic. The rotund Elton John tribute act sent a Twitter message to Swensson on Friday, in response to a negative review of his recent Minneapolis performance, questioning whether she had been offended by his masculinity due to her sexuality. She’s a lesbian you see which means that she’s bound to be terrified of things with penises.

Green has now defended his comments, and insisted that he had simply been trying to have a joke after spending three hours ploughing through pork scratchings in an effort to disguise the pain of a negative review. Let us remember that this is the man who constantly inflicts Gwyneth Paltrow upon the live music scene. If anyone deserves a bad review- it’s Cee Lo Green.

Green says, wiping away Twinkies from his face:

“I was being a little outspoken that night, a little outrageous”

“I always expect people to assume that everything I do is part of my character and my sense of humour. I assumed that whoever it was would assume it was all in good fun. It wasn’t taken so well, apparently.”

Of course, Cee Lo’s comments were all in good fun. Jim Davidson was said to have been creasing himself with laughter. Unfortunately, it was taken as being offensive by his target. How anyone could take an overtly homophobic comment as having homophobic overtones completely escapes us.

While admitting that sending the message had been a mistake, Green asserted that he is in no way homophobic and prides himself on being one of the most liberal artists in the music business by constantly dressing like Rod Hull’s former puppet companion Emu.

“I certainly am not harbouring any sort of negative feeling towards the gay community”

If I could take it all back, I would. I was not being serious. I just wanted to defend our performance”

Unfortunately, what is said cannot be unsaid and he can only spend the rest of his life backtracking through his Narnia-like wardrobe until eventually people forget that he’s a homophobe by completely forgetting that he ever existed in the first place. Cee Lo Green. A dull, compromised footnote in the tome of popular music.

Green is currently appearing as a vocal coach on NBC talent contest The Voice which must be a truly awful experience for the American viewing public.

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A new series of 8 Out Of 10 Cats starts on Channel 4 tonight and there’s a new team captain on the show. And that new team captain is Jon Richardson who you might recognise as a stand-up comedian or Him Off That Radio Show.

He’s the cheeriest manic depressive you’ll ever meet (worryingly so – he seems like he could go postal at any minute) and we wanted to pick at his worried brains to see what was going on in there.

And so, we caught up with him for a chat about being miserable, it being illegal to have a million pounds in the bank and the fact that he’d like to be sacked from 8 Out Of 10 Cats as quickly as possible.

Here is an interview you’ll have to read. Don’t complain. You’ve become lazy. They’re just undaunting words. You’ll be fine.

Shall we crack on?

Mof Gimmers – I suppose we should start with the news that you’re the new captain on 8 Out Of 10 Cats

Jon Richardson – That’s all anyone’s talking about. Massive news.

Mof – Are you thrilled about it? Depressed? Nauseous? Angry? Aroused? All of the above?

Jon – All of the above and more. Obviously I’m excited. It’s one of those things you never expect to get offered. I didn’t think I’d be in the running for it and when you get offered it you just sort of ride a wave of glee for a few months afterwards.

Mof – That seems at odds with your stand-up persona. You seem very jolly, but incredibly miserable with it. Riding a wave of glee is hardly the calling card of a miseryguts…

Jon – I always think that, if you’re going to be miserable, you should do it with a smile on your face.

Mof – Cheery miserablism.

Jon – I think so. Sean Lock isn’t exactly Charlie Chucklepants either. I’m hoping that, between us, we can set the world to rights on some scores and say some things that need to be said.

Mof – Sean is obviously really cynical about absolutely everything on Earth. So are you going to compensate for him or are you going to make each other worse?

Jon – I think it’s more fun when you’re inherently cynical to defend something you actually don’t believe. I hope at some point Sean’s having a go at me for being miserable and I’m having a go back. I’m just going to try and annoy him basically.

Mof – You sound miserable now. Are you always this unhappy or is it me?

Jon – Not really. I’m easily annoyed, let’s put it that way with people’s inconsiderate behaviour and celebrity obsession and things like that. I don’t think you could be a comedian while going around and endorsing that kind of thing. I’m okay at the moment though. I’m sat in my garden and everything seems nice but by the time I get on stage, something will have pissed me off.

Mof – And you’ve moved to London, where there’s an infinite amount of things to grind your gears as it really is the most irritating place on the planet.

Jon – Absolutely! It gets harder to write a new show every year so I thought I’d come here and get agitated.

Mof – I’m always loathed to become the stereotypical Northerner when I’m in London, but find I gravitate toward doing it anyway. Y’know, shouting the price of a pint back at the bar staff in an accent that is super Northern whether it is reasonable or not…

Jon – I don’t ever want to see the day where I can pay £7 for two drinks and don’t see it worthy of comment. I’m sure my Northerness will ramp up. I’m sure the accent will get picked up and I’ll end up shouting ‘Chuffing Nora!’ on the tube.

Mof – I recall a routine you did where you got angry at two girls who had caught the wrong train… do you genuinely seethe at things like that… obviously, some of it will be for comedic effect…

Jon – It is something that genuinely annoys me. Obviously, every routine has a shelf-life, especially if it is built on furious anger and you’ll get to a point where you don’t mean it anymore, yet still, I never ceased to be amazed at how much stuff makes me furious.

Mof – Yet it still comes out sounding cheerful. There’s a wrong synapse in your brain somewhere

Jon – I think you might be right there. That said, if you watched someone just moan and there was no light, no shade, no smile… I just think it’s great that things aren’t right and it’s great that people make mistakes because otherwise, what would we do? There’ll come a point where the world is perfect and we’ll just have to all sit indoors and stare into the middle-distance remembering the days when things were a bit shit.

Mof – You comics are all borderline depressed aren’t you?

Jon – I think it’s everyone. If you’re the kind of person who is really happy, then surely you’re just a bit deluded. Every time you turn on the telly, bad stuff is happening on the news. If you’re going to maintain this constant fixed grin, the you must be the kind of person who thinks ‘That murder was a long way away and I can’t afford to care about it’. If you are the kind of person who worries about things, then it’s impossible to be happy.

Mof – Comedians just sit, silently in darkened rooms just despairing of everything don’t they?

Jon – I think some of them do. Obviously it’s played on a bit, but… you mean what you do because you’re inviting people to come and sit while you talk, you can’t be too measured… you can’t be too pragmatic…

Mof – Do you suffer from the fact that everyone thinks you’re miserable, but you’re not, which in turn, makes you  miserable?

Jon – I do have to defend myself all the time. That said, if everyone says you’re grumpy then you probably are because you don’t get accused of that by accident. I’ve made my peace with it though and at least I’m not an arsehole. Maybe professionally. I’m a professional arsehole.

Mof – That said, you can’t be that big a professional arsehole because I was asked to propose to you on behalf of some people on twitter.

Jon – (Laughs) That’s nice.

Mof – Are you getting married to them then? Feel free to be incredibly rude to your adoring fans.

Jon – Well, obviously I’m flattered. Perhaps they should research my back catalogue a bit more and then ask themselves if I’m the person they really want to be with. Seeing a young guy smiling and moaning on telly is probably quite exciting for some, but there’ll come a time in a marriage when I’m not on telly anymore and I’ll just be insufferably negative all the time and I will not subject them to that.

Mof – You’re already preparing for a life without a TV career so you’re obviously not expecting 8 Out Of 10 Cats to go particularly well then… they’re going to boot you off after one series just so you can turn into a belligerent old coot.

Jon – I hope so, yeah. That would be the dream.

Mof – So what we’re saying here is that your now employees should fire you as quickly as possible. Maybe during the first minute of the new series?

Jon – Yes. There is an element of things going too well at the moment. It does feel like a trick and at some point, everyone is going to say ‘It was a joke. We didn’t really want you to be a comedian anyway and we paid everyone in your audience to laugh for all these years.’

Mof – You’re playing to some big audiences at the minute, so that would be a rather expensive gag, right?

Jon – Yeah, and it would take some rehearsal… don’t get me wrong – I’d admire the feat. I’d have to shake every one of their hands and say ‘that’s a fucking good effort’.

Mof -  Is there anyone in television who you’ve annoyed so much that they’d go to such great lengths to build your profile just to swipe the rug from under your feet?

Jon – I think it would have to be someone very similar to me. They just heard my voice or saw a picture of my face and instantly hated me. That’s the kind of irrational hatred I can admire. Someone who could say ‘I saw a picture of you wearing a shirt I hated so I built an entire world around you, just to destroy it’.

Mof – The only person who you’ve annoyed who has that kind of money is Phillip Green (see why, here)

Jon – Yep. I’m actually working on an idea at the moment that it should be illegal to have more than a million pounds in the bank. If you’re spending it on stuff, fine, but who really needs that amount of money just sat there when people are dying. It’s… just… indefensible. That said, I don’t have a million pounds, so when I earn my million-and-first pound, we’ll have to see how much I mean it.

Mof – So you can have a million pound provided you throw it around wildly?

Jon – I think people do forget that no-one deserves that kind of money. There’s no job in the world that deserves that kind of money. Certainly, comedians should be aware that the world doesn’t really need comedians and if you’ve been fortunate enough to earn that kind of money then it’s your obligation to give some of that back.

Mof – So then, I take it that success doesn’t sit easy with you and in fact, you’re one of those people who thinks that you’re just waiting to be caught out as see-through, and untalented…

Jon – I’d hate to think anyone wouldn’t think that. Especially when you consider, I suppose, the pre-alternative era when you created a stage persona which you’d crafted and honed, but nowadays, comedians are just being themselves and I certainly aspire to make sure that everything I do, I succeed because I’m being me and being honest in the things I think.

Mof - Anything you’d like to plug. That’s all interviews are aren’t they? An exercise in plugging stuff.

Jon – I’m doing stuff. Just… people who like you have a habit of being able to find out… so…

Mof – Check the website then?

Jon – Google me. See if you can Google me more often than I Google myself.

The new series of 8 Out Of 10 Cats, starring Jon Richardson every week, starts on Channel 4 tonight at some point. Probably 9pm or 10pm or something like that.

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First things first. We’re using ‘star power’ in its loosest of meanings. As loose as a certain part of Paris Hilton’s very anatomy, you might say. She had some strange kind of fame that was based on a filthy tape that was meant to be sent to a nature channel but some perverts packaged it as another kind of tape – we’ll have you know, nature channels the world over are still feeling the loss.

Last week, Paris upped her promotional obligations ahead of the debut of her latest reality show. Appearing on show after show, Paris never seemed to realise that her original fans from a decade ago had aged out and had already moved on to Law & Order reruns.

Even appearing with her mother, who co-stars on the show, didn’t endear Paris to her audience.

Flailing in one interview, on a show called The View, Paris struggled to defend her show’s pretty obviously staged nature and the heavy-handed editing to conjure storylines where there were none.

‘The cameras are there every single day,’ she explained, ‘the show’s not scripted [unlike competing shows]. You can’t write this. It’s all real.’ Well, except for the 59 minutes of filler in the first hour that showed a convoluted and desperate attempt to remain relevant – at any cost – in a market dominated by other reality stars like the Kardashian sisters. In case you were in any doubt, there was even a scene of Paris in the bath as she yelled things at her assistant. She struggled to think of a gimmick. And it was painful to watch.

Did we say painful?

Oh, we meant it was nothing of the sort – it was schadenfreude. After years of fame based on little, Paris is pretty much finished.

Clasping at straws for reasons why her show debut flopped, Paris is blaming a technical error.

“Paris is furious that the show didn’t premiere at the time it was supposed to,” an insider [said] about ‘The World According to Paris.’ “She worked her tail off doing promotion and publicity for the show and then because of a technical mistake, the show aired at a completely different time in a lot of markets.”

A representative from the network denies that there were any glitches in her premiere episode. “The show premiered at 10 p.m. on Wednesday, June 1 as was promoted,” an Oxygen spokesperson [said] in a statement. “There were no technical mistakes. We look forward to a very exciting run of the series.”

Realising there was no point in flogging a dead horse, Paris apparently dropped out of this week’s promotion for the second episode. Instead, she left her mother to promote the show alone. And, according to reports coming out of America, the disappointing ratings could mean the show’s pulled altogether soon.

Excuse us. We’re off to buy a little Henry vacuum, to get the crisp crumbs off the hecklerspray hovel carpet, before we throw this ‘WHEE!’ party on the eve of Paris’ free fall into irrelevancy.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

Sarah Palin is a fascinating creature. She’s managed to succeed in life by having little more than a will to rise to the top. Seriously. Very, very little more. She’s not smart, she isn’t a good diplomat but she is determined.

And soon, there’s a very good chance she’ll have the codes to blow the entire world up. Amazing. Think about it. A village idiot running the Western World, tottering up to diplomats from the Far East and saying things like “why do you guys squint all the time? Haven’t you got sunglasses over here?!”

It was only a matter of time before someone decided to make a film about Palin. She’s perfect for parody. And taking the role is Julianne Moore.

Moore will have to don some glasses, a ski-jacket and a blank, lifeless expression while chirruping “YOU BETCHA!” in a movie that will cover Palin’s 2008 presidential campaign.

The flick, made for TV of course (Palin may well be a staggering dolt but she’s not done enough to warrant an actual cinema release… yet. Give her another couple of years and we’ll be set) on HBO, will be called Game Change, which is based on the book of the same name by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin.

The book, amusingly, savages Palin, going into her wild mood swings, which have been describes our future leader of the universe as able to go into a ‘catatonic stupor’. According to the tome, senior figures in the McCain campaign actually wondered out loud that she was actually mentally unstable.

And this could provide some bleak, dark comedy from Moore’s portrayal of Palin The Nutter.

One describes scenes of Palin living in squalor, surrounded by mouldy food and stacks and stacks of endless index cards as she crammed up on policy and whatnot.

Of course, it goes without saying that Team Palin have dismissed the book’s allegations as inaccurate gossip (the best kind of gossip).

The chap making the show/film/thingy was behind Meet The Parents, so it is safe to assume that this document of Palin’s rise may not be a wholly serious one (because, in fairness, you couldn’t ever hope to take Palin wholly seriously, which ironically, is her most powerful weapon).

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Americans seem to love those cowboy country men. You know the ones who politely love the ladies, fondle tractors and sometimes kiss each other while pretending to look after cattle up a mountain, almost as much as they love their slightly mental divas who can run up and down a scale at precisely the same speed as Justin Bieber’s first attempt at intercourse with another person.

So it made TOTAL sense when they decided to get some bloke hecklerspray hasn’t made fun of until now – Blake Shelton and the ever expanding Christina ‘make mine a double please’ Aguilera together in the same room to become part of the coaching panel on a new reality singing show called ‘ The Voice’.

We can hardly wait.

Until approx 7 mins ago we didn’t know or give a rat’s ass who Blake Shelton was but in case you care, he sings country songs, wins awards for singing country songs and probably hasn’t done anything remotely evil in his entire life.

Also on the panel are dress destroying Cee-Lo Green and Adam Lavine from Maroon 5 who makes us even less excited than ‘thingy’ Shelton.

34 year old Blake Carrington joked:

“I’m not sure ‘The Voice’ knows what they signed on for by bringing me on the show”

We’re not entirely sure either. Maybe to make that Maroon 5 bloke look slightly more dangerous or so the country music loving fans don’t bring their pitchforks to the studio and start line dancing in protest.

The show starts on the 26th April and the four judges will select the contestants based on blind auditions.

Yes, that’s right – NO TITS WILL BE USED TO WIN FAVOUR WITH THE MALE JUDGES.

So no doubt we’ll be left watching a group of people who can hold a tune but who all look like Rocky Dennis from Mask.

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Hey nerd baskets! Get this! You’re gonna love this! You know Blade Runner? That sic-fi film you weally weally weally love? Some people are going to tinker with it. Feel free to say “is nothing sacred anymore?”

Ridley Scott’s bleak look at some typically horrible future (why are no films set in the future kinda cool?*) is about to have a whole new set of digits, prodding and poking it and fizzing with excitement about filming in 3D and ‘better’ CGI, when really, the original’s clunky effects only added to the menace of it all.

Aaaanyway, more than thirty years on, the film is about to become a franchise seeing spin-offs on television and new movies.

Some company (they’re called Alcon if you remotely care) is bagging the rights for Blade Runner to make a whole buncha new things which will probably end up looking like those awful Stargate shows that we all endured when there was nothing else on the box.

Bud Yorkin, who produced the original, is set to produce a new untitled Blade Runner project.

The people from Some Company, say:

“We are honored and excited to be in business with Bud Yorkin. This is a major acquisition for our company, and a personal favorite film for both of us. We recognize the responsibility we have to do justice to the memory of the original with any prequel or sequel we produce. We have long-term goals for the franchise, and are exploring multi-platform concepts, not just limiting ourselves to one medium only.”

So expect video games and lunchboxes then.

Blade Runner, of course, starred Harrison Ford as Rick Dekard. Dekard was a retired cop who was tasked with hunting down some clones who escaped from a colony and decided that Los Angeles sounded like a nice place to hang out.

So who will take the role of Dekard in a prequel? It has to be someone with reasonable acting chops and butch enough to tackle the thrills and spills of the story.

In that case, our money’s on either Tom Hardy or Dustin Diamond.

*Granted, a film set in the future where everything and everyone was happy would be immensely dull, but y’know?

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If Sarah Palin wasn’t a politician, she’d be hilarious. Think about it. She’s a gun-toting, slackjawed moose-for-brains who garbles her words and thinks that it is totally okay to use gun-targets in association with her political rivals.

Had she been the invention of a satirist, you’d laugh like a drain at each dunderheaded move she made.

Sadly, she’s horribly real and has gone about invigorating the kind of American that makes the rest of the world wince with discomfort. And no-one has ever seen her blink, even when she said that outrageous ‘death panel’ comment.

And why is Palin so terrifying? Well, for a start, she allows her belief in Jesus to oppose abortion including some cases of rape and incest, while being totally cool with being a life-member of the NRA, which means she can shoot living things if she wants, as long as they’re not growing inside a sac.

She also doesn’t want gays to get married. We can only assume that she’s opposed to same-sex unions because their celebrations of the event will be more fabulous than a thousand series of ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’.

So it goes, that Sarah Palin’s TV show is to be cancelled much to the chagrin of all those television critics who enjoying giving it a kicking every time it was transmitted.

That’s right fool-fans, there are no plans to record footage of Palin shooting a moose in the face with a gun any more. Shame. Those moose kids really love it when someone captures their ‘best side’ being blown clean off by a hooraying simpleton with a penchant for rolling big words around her mouth like a cat flicking at an ulcer with its tongue.

Sadly, this means that Palin will probably be running for office now. So instead of watching Eskimo bingo, we’re going to have to endure her talking about her North Korean allies and her self-proclaimed likeness to Shakespeare.

Brilliant. We’re all doomed. Where do we sign-up for one of these death panel things we’ve been told about?

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Commentators often say that reality programs have the ability to disappear up their own cornhole as soon as the show surges in popularity. The X Factor in particular has seen all sorts develop over the years including the morph of the audition stages in to a Britain’s Got Talent baiting arena and dragging the process out for longer than before.

We’ve all seen the squabbling between Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh alongside the alleged catfights between Cheryl Cole and Kylie Minogue’s sister about who is paid more and who looks the best in a dress that most people watching will never be able to afford.

This year, X-Factor has gone one step further and broken the mould of just being a pop competition. The murky world of immigration and benefit fraud has been covered by the show. Simon Cowell, you are a television genius.

During the brief times of the year when reality shows don’t dominate our viewing, the tabloids have nothing else to report about. When they do, it isn’t cute and fluffy stories that make you feel good on your rotten insides. Instead, doom and gloom clog up the column inches with reports about the economy going belly up, increases on basic commodities and how the UK is rubbish compared to the rest of the world.

One grey area that regularly gets reported is that of how illegal immigrants settle here without permission, overstay a welcome or suckle on the teat that is the benefit system.

It all started with X-Factor contestant Gamu who charmed us all with a powerful voice, despite being a young and tender age. Immediately, she was tipped to win and all was fine and dandy until the competition progressed. Bosses of the show suddenly realised that her mother’s visa had run out, therefore meaning that deportation was on the cards and not an appearance on Daybreak. So she got booted off the show.

The UK is often a strange place as scorn is often poured on those who are staying somewhere illegally. But it doesn’t matter in this instance, Gamu was appearing on The X Factor, a force so powerful and majestic that is ranks above the law.

Not soon after, the government knew they couldn’t deport Gamu and her family as multiple Facebook groups had been set up to campaign in order to keep her a UK resident. When that happens, you know you’re screwed. As we understand, the courts have backed off and the legal team backing Gamu have won initial hearings for her.

Subsequently this seems to show that if you have a hidden issue, but get found on a national TV show, it doesn’t matter, the X-Factor will look after you. Though this method only seems to work if you’re a young girl with mass marketing appeal.

Wagner has found this out the hard way.

Somehow, the mental Brazilian got further than most people expected him to in the competition. During the competition, he seemed fit and healthy, able to frolic with backing dancers and even smash the living daylight out of a pair of bongos.

Just like Gamu, it didn’t occur to Wagner that exposure on a national scale could be a drawback. Especially when you’re claiming incapacity benefits for a frozen shoulder – and no, we’re unsure if Wagner is half human, part snowman.

The Press Association report Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith as saying on an interview with Sky News:

“One of the people who was working on his case, I understand this, I don’t know precisely, noticed he (Wagner) was managing to leap in the air with his arms held above him when I am told that he had a frozen shoulder and frozen shoulders tend to mean that you can’t have your arm in the air; it’s impossible and therefore he was off work. I suspect he will find he will be asked to come in and explain himself as to why he was on benefits in the first place. If you don’t mind me saying so, it (Wagner’s case) illustrates the biggest problem we have got, which is incapacity benefit has grown like mad.”

Frankly, we’re outraged that the government have stepped in to punish a man who had brought some comedic relief to a show that is now full of pre-recorded VT. Even the judges seem to say the same things but in a different order. Almost like they are puppets, held by strings made out of £50 notes.

Excuse us whilst we start a Facebook group to campaign against him not getting a slap on the bottom.

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Hats off to CBS – it’s thought long and hard about how to end to the financial crisis and, by jingo, it’s done it!

How? Why, by giving John Mayer his own TV show, of course. No, bear with us. You see, if there’s an hour a week where John Mayer is on TV, it’s bound to scare the public into rushing from their homes screaming – straight to the high street. Thanks to CBS and John Mayer, we’re sure the tinned food, DIY bunker and shotgun industries will all easily avoid collapse!

Seriously, John Mayer’s got a TV show. We’re terrified.

If you’re like us, then you think that there aren’t enough girl-haired, smug-as-shit millionaire fops larking around on our TV like they own the bloody thing, regaling us with a mixture of stories about all the supermodels they’ve felt up and performances of godawful self-written weedy piano ballads.

Yes, not content with being everywhere all the time always even though nobody asked or wanted him to, it looks like John Mayer’s getting his own television show. Provisionally titled either Ooh Look At Me I’m John Mayer And I’m So Great or Ooh Look At Me I’m John Mayer And I Know What Jennifer Aniston’s Bumhole Looks Like, the TV show will be a mixture of singing, comedy and variety performances sure to leave every member of the family weeping and begging for the mercy of a swift death in stitches. AP reports:

CBS is close to a deal with pop star John Mayer for a music and variety TV show. CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler told a meeting of the Television Critics Association that the project is under development and an agreement is near. She didn’t provide details.

Oh, so it’s not a done deal yet? Good, that’s smart thinking on the part of CBS. It’s obvious that the network only wants to give John Mayer a show in the blind hope that he’ll get his girlfriend Jennifer Aniston to be a guest every single week. Imagine if CBS gave John Mayer a contract and he went and split up with Jennifer Aniston and got back together with Jessica Simpson. That’d be a disaster! Nobody would ever watch CBS again!

Then again, CBS and John Mayer do go way back – in 2006 he was a guest star on an episode of CSI, in an episode involving detectives trying to get to the bottom of a crime scene at one of John Mayer’s concerts, where 4,000 innocent people all died clutching their ears at the same time. We forget what the cause of the crime was now.

Still, don’t hold your breath for this John Mayer variety show to hit the airwaves any time soon. It sounds awfully similar to the recent Rosie O’Donnell variety show, and that died without a trace. And if America won’t accept a show about a deliberately abrasive overweight lesbian, then what hope does a rich white man who couldn’t be more soggy if he wet himself in a puddle have?

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This is a day as momentous as the moon landing plus the fall of the Berlin wall multiplied by three Live Aids – Rosie O’Donnell’s back on TV!

After spending 17 months in the television wilderness, where she’s filled her time with nothing but failed comeback attempts and screwy pronouncements about other gay celebrities, it’s been announced that Rosie O’Donnell will host a live one-hour primetime show on NBC the day before Thanksgiving.

The show is to be entitled Rosie’s Variety Hour. It’s an accurate name, since the entire show is going to be an hour of Rosie O’Donnell destroying a variety of things that make her angry with a cricket bat – like a bible, the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution, the headquarters of an anti-abortion lobby group and, as a finale, a 30-storey slime-filled papier mache sculpture of Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Donald Trump holding hands.

It’s so strange to think that Rosie O’Donnell hasn’t been on TV for a year and a half, because she’s actually an incredibly versatile performer.

Just look at the things that Rosie O’Donnell has done in the past – she’s been a stand-up comedian, she’s hosted her own daytime TV show, she’s starred in sitcom and she’s destroyed the notion of Betty Rubble being sexy for about five separate generations. Oh, and she’s the queen of bellowing furious abuse at shrill conservatives, too.

However, it might have been this last one that’s kept Rosie O’Donnell off TV. After her final berserk days on The View, nobody wanted to touch her. The producers of The Price Is Right shied away from Rosie because she’d probably want to change the name to The Price Is RAAAAARGH! and would only ever ask questions about the price of the illegal war that America is waging in the Middle East in both financial and human terms.

But at least Rosie O’Donnell can put all her failure behind her now, because she’s just landed what might be the biggest job of her career – her very own primetime NBC show. EW reports:

Appropriately titled Rosie’s Variety Hour, the special will kick off with a topical monologue and feature celebrity guests, musical acts, comedy skits, and a “giant” giveaway for both the in-studio and home audiences. “This is a dream come true for any performer,” O’Donnell said in a statement. “Old time variety, live from New York with a nod to Ed Sullivan, Carol Burnett and memories of Sonny and Cher.”

We’re really looking forward to Rosie’s Variety Hour, you know – we hear that the giant giveaway at the end comes in the form of knowledge, as a giant flashing sign that reads YOUR GOD IS DEAD AND ALL LIFE IS A MEANINGLESS STRING OF EVENTS WITH NO UNIVERSAL CONSEQUENCE.

But, regardless, we’d like to extend our sincere congratulations to Rosie O’Donnell. This is her dream job and, if the special is a success, it’s bound to run forever.

Or until Rosie decides to blurt out some sort of massively controversial rant about something sensitive enough to alienate her advertisers and put an end to the show, at least.

So about three weeks, then.

It's become quite sad how strapped for ideas Hollywood has become. Not content with raiding everything from our childhoods – Transformers, Thundercats, The Smurfs – and not even leaving it alone after travesties such as Starsky and Hutch or Miami Vice, the top bods have had to look to things that haven't even left the collective consciousness of the public.

Take the Sex and the City movie, for example. Rehashing a series that had finished on TV less than five years previously seemed to hecklerspray as something of a cynical cash-in. And it worked. Did it ever work . So who can blame the struggling execs in tinseltown for turning to another much-loved TV property with a push at converting it for the big screen, even though the topsoil on its grave is still fresh?

Yes, friends, there are rumours they're re-doing Friends. But for now, even though everyone in the world seems to be harping on about it, these rumours are nothing but that. There may be hope yet.

When it comes to barely-even-dead TV shows heading to the big screen there are few occasions when it's a genuinely good idea. The Sex and the City film proved it was a lucrative idea, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. It does if you're a money-hoarding twit, mind, but if you have any integrity whatsoever it's probably better to leave these projects alone. Let them die, especially when they went on for ten years and tied up every loose end imaginable over the course.

Don't re-open the wounds, don't rehash the same storylines, don't break up the established relationships and don't create new problems from lives that fans of the show have accepted as being 'on course'. Oh, and retroactively: don't give Joey a spin-off. It won't work. hecklerspray feared the worst when rumours popped up earlier this week that all of those sins were about to be committed in one glorious two-hour epic of utterly unbelievable lives, 'being there for yoooou' and Phoebe being a shit character.

But thank crikey if there haven't been two massive wedges of sense in the space of a day – first the tabloid 'zines turn down messr Lohan's approaches to sell the story of the child that may not even be his, and now it would seem that the raping of an only very recently dead TV corpse is to be left alone. For the time being, at least. Matthew Perry – or Chandler, or that one off that cancelled TV show that was quite good, for those who don't know him outside of Friends (i.e. most people, thanks to his stellar movie career) – has a publicist, Lisa Kasteler, and she said these words using her mouth:

"Nothing is happening in this regard, so the rumour is false."

She couldn't have put it better if she tried. Well, she could – she could have swore or something, as we all know swearing is fucking cool. But for 'getting straight to the point' points, she scores high.

But this leaves something of a void in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers. Well, we should say 'more of a void than the normal vacuous space that should resemble the creative part of a human brain in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers'. Without a tried-and-tested formula, what can they do? Come up with something new? Do a sequel? Release the same rom-com again with a different title?

hecklerspray has a suggestion, one that we're willing to give up for free, just this once. It covers the TV-remake base and has genuine potential, as well as being a worthy transition from small to big screen, not just a bloated cash-in.

Arrested Development: The Movie.

Make that and most of your sins for being rubbish bastards will be forgiven.

Hecklerspray are a bunch of merry people who would never inflict any harm on you.

We’d do anything to help you out. Say you thought some Russian military types had tampered with your food; we’d be there to help you. Sure, we’d be putting our own life at risk as we gingerly slurped your tomato soup, but we love you and would never turn down your request.

However, there are some factors that we can’t control: famine, Bono, global warming and hay fever (oh dear God the hay fever). At first the problem is confined to one area, but it then slowly spreads around the world. Look at Bono – Ireland suffered for so long until he was unleashed to the world.

Now it’s England’s turn to unleash one of their ropiest creations, this time on an unsuspecting America. Lily Allen has been granted a visa. Batten down the hatches, quick!

Lily’s cheeky chirpy cockney songs have never been off radio and TV stations in England. Most of the time it’s a lucky dip to see if Smile or LDN is going to be played next. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t every ten minutes or so.

But then, would the public like to hear a makeshift hecklerspray band doing a freestyle jam on a few metal cans and coat hangers? No, probably not.

In-between writing and recording her second album, Lily has been doing other stuff as well. You see, she’s not like the other one dimensional singers without a soul or conscience. She can do more than pout and attempt to look sexy – Lily can present too! Well, that’s what BBC 3 believes anyway.

Some genius came up with the Lily Allen and Friends show. A programme where a few celebrity people come on to plug a TV show or product they’re involved with.

In-between all of the ker-azy chat comes the part of the show that makes up about 89% of the content, the always reliable feature: “clips from the internet showcasing wacky people which means I can sit on my arse and do fuck all for a bit,” used every week. Honestly, we’d never seen the Chocolate Rain man before. We are so thankful. The show really is worth the license fee alone to watch TV content which comes from YouTube.

For some time now, Lily’s wild child antics have seen her banned from America. Having the odd drink doesn’t seem to be a popular thing with Uncle Sam and her persistent drunken nights out haven’t helped. For a long time she’s been banned from the land of obesity and Maury. Now Magazine reports:

“Lily had to have her pee regularly checked and then blood tests on top to prove she wasn’t on drugs before the US government would give her a working visa.”

We just feel sorry for the poor sod that had to check her piss. How this was done we aren’t sure, but we’re willing to bet it was all down to the texture and aroma of the urine. But that doesn’t matter now; she’s got the visa, and she was reported as feeling:

“Chuffed.”

Though we would like to remind US visa officials of her odd antics at last week’s Glamour awards. She clearly wasn’t sticking to tap water or lemonade during the ceremony and looked slightly worse for wear. This will probably scare the shit out of the people who gave her legal permission to visit America.

Have fun with her in the USA. And don’t feel inclined to send her back anytime soon.

Chris Rock, until recently widely regarded as the funniest man in the English speaking world (as recent as yesterday, in fact) has all of a sudden lost his sense of humour entirely.

Chris, currently touring his ‘No Apologies’ show around South Africa, was the butt of a US reality TV show prank.

You ask: what was said prank? Well, he he, get this! God, we’re laughing just typing it down! Right, this TV show (which no one seems to know the name of) made accusations that Chris Rock has, wait for it… had sex with an underage British girl – when he hasn’t! Ahahahahahaha!

Genius! And yet, for some reason, Chris Rock didn’t find being accused of statuatory rape funny in the slightest. The bloody square.

Back in his 2005 HBO special, ‘Never Scared’, Chris said of R Kelly (in reference to the video at the centre of R Kelly’s current underage watersport trial):

R Kelly’s lost his mind. He gotta lotta balls saying ‘it aint me’. Motherfucker, we know what you look like!…At one point on the tape R Kelly is eating this girls ass out like it’s puppy chow. He’s in her ass like he’s got diabetes and her ass’ got insulin in it.

Oh, he can dish it out, for sure, but can he take it? The answer seems to be ‘no’. Not so funny when the jokes on you, eh, Christopher?

Chris, to be fair, has a strong defence, in as far as the whole thing is fictional, which will no doubt be R Kelly’s next attempt to clear his name:

A cast member of the anonymous show appeared in court on Monday demanding Rock be taken into custody, but the judge refused on the grounds that Rock could not be arrested or detained without a proper warrant.

Honestly, a TV show can’t even accuse an innocent black man of rape anymore!

After hearing the rumours, Chris immediately sought clarification on the charges he so foolishly believed had actually been brought against him.

Tlali Tlali, a National Prosecuting Authority spokesman, told AFP:

It was a hoax, it was for one of the US reality television programmes. They pulled one on him, information got to him that the South African Police Service was going to arrest him. Acting on that information, he quickly approached lawyers who brought an urgent application at the Johannesburg High Court ,where judgement was in his favour. This one went too far, it must have been organised quite carefully.

It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

The reason that that tidal wave hit Phuket; the reason that Mardi Gras is now held in a swamp; the reason that the cuckoo now prefers to spend its holidays somewhere other than Kent; is solely down to the existence of Paris Hilton, her mind-numbing minions, MTV and the soon-to-be aired TV show I wanna be Paris’ New Best Friend.

According to People magazine, 85,000 people are seeking a chance to become Paris Hilton’s BFF.

That is far more than enough to fill Wembley stadium. In fact, hecklerspray would like to suggest to MTV that they try to cram all those people into Wembley Stadium.

The ensuing Hillsborough-esque disaster would hopefully go someway to appeasing our understandably furious Lord.

We’d also like to take a moment to apologise to the Lord for our recent reports suggesting the show was in danger of being axed, due to a lack of applicants.

Very embarrassing indeed. It seems no one’s subconscious – not even that of hecklerspray’s – is safe from the retard-tainting of Ms Hilton. On behalf of all humanity, we’d like to apologise for how greatly we’ve let you down.

And so, Lord, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for the rain which you are about to unleash.

However, if, by any chance, you could find it in your heart to be more specific with your punishment, then hecklerspray would like to point out that on May 1 Good Charlotte will be performing at Sunfest, in West Palm Beach, Florida, along with Natasha Bedingfield and John Legend.

There is surely no more apt a place for Armageddon to commence.

Read More – Pick me, Paris! 85, 000 vie to be Hilton’s new BFF – AFP