We’ve all had a very hard week haven’t we? Valentine Day is completely sorted (some chocolates, that 7p ASDA Valentine’s card and a quickie will do), our interest in Katy Wix and Anna Crilly, the two women who advertise Harvey’s during Coronation Street, has started waning and we’ve emotionally dealt with that, we’ve seen Madonna’s vagina more times this week than we’d like to admit, and we’ve fended off numerous LoveFilm ambushes on the High Street (they can’t ask us whether we like film if they have no tongues).
We should probably treat ourselves.
Well, the hecklerspray bedsit has your back, because as of today, we’re going to give you even more things to watch. And that’s not all either. We’re doing away with focusing on just the weekend, and instead peering our beady gaze over the ENTIRE WEEK. Hopefully this will stop you all from drinking heavily through the stress of not knowing what to watch on a Wednesday, and definitely do away with the worry of not having anything to talk about while you’re stood at the smoking hut. Samaritans staff more telephonists during Wednesdays because Eastenders isn’t on and no one talks about Midsomer Murders anymore.
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Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.
And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.
She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.
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Professional playground-trawler Caroline Flack has once again been spotted tongue wrestling with a foetus; this time, 23-year-old singer Sam McCarthy.
Despite take every precaution not to be spotted, eg. Standing in a public street outside a pub, the ‘couple’ were papped fondling each other outside the Crown & Goose pub in Camden.
While we’re happy to admit that at 32, she’s hardly Saturday night TVs answer to J. Howard Marshall, we can’t help but think there’s something wrong with a woman who constantly preys men with personalities as underdeveloped as their testicles.
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Denise Welch officially splits from Tim Healy, not that anyone cares anymore. Remember at the end of Jurassic Park where all of the dinosaurs were left to their own devices and untouched by human hands again? And when King Kong was shot fell to his death from the Empire State building? And when Ethel Skinner was put down by Dot Cotton, ending her reign of sexual terror? Well, these are examples of when it’s acceptable to lock up/euthanise sexual threats because they pose a threat to greater society.
Unfortunately, we are facing a turning point in our history because one of these situations has arisen again: Denise Welch is single again.
The 2012 Celebrity Big Brother winner and Byker Grove star confirmed the worrying news yesterday on Loose Women, where she spoke candidly and without any prompting from her agent about the situation between her and Career Geordie, Tim Healy.
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Another week, another loosely adhered to theme for Dancing on Ice. This week the theme was “Pop”, although really it should’ve been “Katarina Disagrees”. But that wouldn’t have fitted in so well with One Direction’s appearance, so pop it was.
Some teenage boys with suits and sideways hair weren’t going to stop Katarina, though. She has monumental cleavage AND Olympic medals. Nothing’s getting in her way.
Not even fellow Olympian Chemmy Alcott, who Katarina infamously called “big” a few weeks back, before begging her not to ever do any lifts ever again. Chemmy wasn’t having any of it though, and decided to do a handstand on her partner’s leg. Queen Katarina tried to pretend that she only wanted to keep Chemmy safe for the next Olympics. Nobody believed her.
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You’ve had a very hard week haven’t you? That Diane in accounting asked you to do that did she? She takes you for granted so much you know. We at hecklerspray love you very much. We would never take you for granted.
What you want to do is, pour yourself a massive gin (it’s the Queen’s favourite don’t you know) and get so blitzed that you don’t know where you are until the hangover kicks in at around Monday dinner time, just in time for a Boots meal deal. That’d be a great way to spend a weekend wouldn’t it? Absolutely off your face. Imagine not knowing how you got scratches and bruises. Intense.
If that isn’t for you though, maybe you’re a bit skint, or maybe ecstasy is your one true passion? Then we have the second best thing to do this weekend, and that’s watch all these brilliant TV shows and talk to us about them. A human conversation with someone. How avant garde.
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Do you hate everything yet? Do you wake up angry, in cold sweats thinking “this is all just terrible. We have one chance at a viable, enjoyable life and yet the culture we digest is diluted, spoon-fed nonsense with people who are inexplicably famous, we should be worth far more than this” and then carve “4REAL” into your arm?
No? Well, here’s some news.
The Only Way is Essex (sigh) star (double sigh) Mark Wright is going to be included in an artform enjoyed by Kirk Douglas and Robert DeNiro as the boyfriend of Kelly Brook’s character in a film with Danny Dyer and oh don’t you just want to shoot people now?
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Hey! You know Julian Assange? What do you mean you don’t know who he is? He’s the man who leaks things. Allegedly, he leaks things all over people against their will (which he denies, natch). He also likes leaking documents which really gets up the nose of the world’s governments.
Sounds like a thrilling bloke, doesn’t he?
Well, the activist, currently under house arrest in the UK, is going to play himself in the 500th episode of The Simpsons. Yes really. We suspect he’s going to be very, very funny indeed. ‘He’ being Homer Simpson, not Julian Assange.
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