Two big pieces of Eurovision news for you today. First, there was a Eurovision semi-final yesterday. Who was eliminated?

All sorts of crap, that’s who. And so who went through to the final? Again, all sorts of crap. This is Eurovision, you dimwit. Our second piece of news is much better – we’re liveblogging Eurovision on Saturday. Have we mentioned that already? Well tough, because we are. And you should probably read it on Saturday too. Because, let’s face it, you’ll have nothing better to do.

Here’s the Eurovision 2009 profile for Hadise, who’ll be representing Turkey…

Turkey · Hadise, Düm Tek Tek (Crazy for You)

What’s the word we’re looking for here? We’re trying to describe Hadise, and the right word seems just out of our grasp. So let’s go with either ‘HELLO!’ or ‘BADOING!’ instead. Hadise, you see, is beautiful. Preposterously beautiful. So beautiful that we want to keep her in a box and hug the base of the box in the foetal position for the rest of our lives. We love her. We actually love her. And we saw her first, so back off anyone who’s more handsome or wealthy or charming than us. We’re quite prepared to fight you. Anyway, Hadise is so unstoppably beautiful that we’re definitely voting for her during Saturday’s Eurovision. Which is a shame because her song Düm Tek Tek (Crazy for You) is sort of rubbish. But she’s hardly likely to marry us if we don’t vote for her, is she? No she’s not. So shut up.

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The next time he was in court was for a space-camp lawsuit, and the time after that it was because Catwoman smacked him really hard with a bull-whip once. It was in the middle of a battle. The judge sided with the lady, possibly because she was all leathered-up.

But as anybody who has ever sued judicially knows, three lawsuits are never enough. That’s why Batman is currently sticking it to Christopher Nolan for getting all up in his business and ruining the awesome life he once had. Wait – did we say ‘..he once had’? Because we meant to say ‘..it once had.’ The Batman in this case is some crappy city in Turkey.

There was a time not so long ago that in the city of Batman, Turkey, a guy could really be a guy. You could walk down the street with half a pig slung over your shoulder, chewing chunks off it whenever you’d see fit. And the best part was – nobody would even say anything – because they were all publicly chomping half-pig too.

Then Christopher Nolan decided to destroy a good thing. He swooped in with his stupid Batman movies and turned Batman movies into such a tourist hot-spot that the city council soon ruled people could only indulge in their dead swine behind closed doors, or in their backyards.

Well the city’s good mayor doesn’t like this one bit – and he plans to personally take Christopher Nolan to task over this. Here’s part of the story straight off of a Turkish news website called Hurriyet.com:

“The royalty of the name ‘Batman’ belongs to us … There is only one Batman in the world. The American producers used the name of our city without informing us,” Kalkan told to the Doğan news agency. Batman is a centuries old city, taking root in the Neolithic age but becoming significant when oil was found in the region at the end of 1940s. Almost a decade before that, Batman was created as a comic hero. Kalkan is going to sue Christopher Nolan, the director of the latest Batman movie “The Dark Night,” not DC Comics, the creator of the superhero.

It’s unknown whether the Mayor will sue in the American court system, or perhaps more locally from the big green barn located at the intersection of Main St & First South there in Batman’s financial district.

The only thing known for absolute certain is that Nolan will probably lose, and perhaps as lawsuit-payment the city will just want a production credit strong enough to make a noticeable difference in Batman 3. Like maybe Gotham could be  a suburb of Turkish Batman. Also maybe the superhero could use his numerous resources to wreak vengeance on the unholy Kurds that clog the world’s sewers with their inferior religious belief system.

Also maybe they could work Phillip Seymour Hoffman into the script. Yes, that would all blend quite nicely.

Because did you see the Eurovision semi-final yesterday? It honestly had all the excitement that you’d expect from a song contest featuring a lot of songs that aren’t particularly good. If you didn’t see it, we have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that our favourite song – the Bosnian entry – is through, along with the Armenian girl who we’re developing strange feelings for. The bad news is that Belguim’s lovely song is out and there’ll be no Dustin The Turkey in the final, either. And Estonia’s been ditched as well. Wait, no, that’s actually good news. Sorry.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Turkey, with help from Paddy Power…

Turkey (pop. 68,109,469; a country located in southwest Asia) Mor ve Ötesi, Deli

Given that most Eurovision songs this year have such a strong Turkish vibe to them that they could easily soundtrack a BBC World Turkish tourism commercial, you’d think that this could be Turkey’s year. But no, because Turkey has decided to turn its back on all traces of Turkishness for its Eurovision entry and instead base the entire bastard on the works of The Foo Fighters. Honest to goodness, if Eurovision ever brought out a Guitar Hero spin-off, Mor ve Otesi would be the most-played by a mile. And that’s not a bad result for a song which, since it’s called Deli, is probably about sausages or something. Or, having checked the translated lyrics more closely, a man’s harrowing descent into insanity. So let’s just say sausages, yeah? It’s not as if anyone actually cares. Current Eurovision betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Ukraine! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.