There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Ms Keys told Blender magazine:

“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other, ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”

She also claims that the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G, back in September 1996 and March 1997 respectively, were fueled by “the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing“.

Hecklerspray would like to remind readers that we didn’t even exist back then, so our conscience is clean.

Or Is it? Maybe we did exist, but were operating on an invisible level. Maybe we were posting anti-2Pac and Biggie articles in a font that could only be read by rich, white people? Can you prove it otherwise? You can’t, can you? You’ll just have to take our word for it (mwa-ha-ha!).

Alicia also explained the reasons she wears a gold AK-47 pendent around her neck. It is because it “symbolize strength, power and killing them dead”. For some reason she doesn’t go on to say exactly who ‘them’ are. Wait a minute…maybe she’s referring to us; the hecklerspray folk; readers, writers and all?

Think about it; have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes hecklerspray before? Have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes you before? In fact, we don’t believe Alicia has ever expressed any love for our people. This is getting spooky – does Alicia Keys want to kill us dead?

Just to be safe, let’s all stay away from Alicia Keys and her music until the day she pledges allegiance to the hecklerflag. Get yourself a gold hecklerspray pendant of Stuart Heritage’s face, hang it round your neck and tell people it “symbolizes strength, power, weekly stories about Lindsay Lohan’s tits, the avoidance of Alicia Keys and killing ‘em dead with our superb use of cruel/witty reporting”.

But even that has its risks. Why should we trust you lot? You’ve no doubt got an alternative agenda like everyone else. Probably best everyone just stays at home with their families.

But what if it turns out all our parents have been nurturing us all these years into becoming cash cows to fund their early retirement? Ok, so we all go home but we are to stay in our rooms, alone, only leaving at allotted times to get food from the kitchen and use the bathroom.

But what if our personality splits into two while we’re alone? Maybe one half of us will want the other half dead? In which case, the half that doesn’t want us dead has no choice but to saw itself free from the other half. This will leave us all dead, but we will at least be safe.

Ah, screw all that – let’s all have a cuddle!

Alicia says that, in the future, she wants to write more political songs and feels that if black leaders like late Black Panther Huey Newton “had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself”.

Hang on a minute…What if Alicia Keys is merely a creation of the government and media, a singing hologram used to bore people into submission, leaving us feeling powerless against the rise of the New World Order?

What if…What if…What if she’s right?

Read More – Alicia’s Conspiracy Theories – OK! Magazine

In fact, if you were Diddy you'd probably be happy for people to talk about anything at all, except for your alleged role in the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur.

Which is a shame, because that's what a newspaper did yesterday. But for what it's worth, Diddy has vehemently denied all the allegations against him. Hecklerspray would like to add that it had no involvement in Tupac's 1994 shooting either. That makes us as good as Diddy, which is why we're about to release our own ropey cash-in perfume as well. It's called hecklerspray: Unjustifiable. Pour homme.

We're worried. There's a disturbing new trend that's taking the world by storm right now, and the government is doing nothing to stop it. The name of this trend? Decades-old celebrity assassination attempts.

It's terrifying. Mick Jagger can no longer walk the streets for fear that someone will kill him 39 years ago, and now Tupac Shakur is thought to be in hiding in case someone shoots him and leaves him for dead in 1994. What next? Will someone stage an audacious hit on Elton John in 1973? Where will the madness end? Where?

Yesterday's Los Angeles Times contained a lengthy article about the 1994 incident where Tupac Shakur was beaten and shot in New York. It claims that the event kick-started the East Coast/ West Coast rap wars that ended with both Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G getting killed. And it's implicated Diddy in the whole messy affair.

That's right – Diddy. Lovely Diddy of I Do (Wanna Get Close To You) by 3LW guest-rap fame. Diddy the booze-hawker. Diddy, the man who can literally punch flames out of people's asses. According to the Los Angeles Times, Diddy had a hand in orchestrating the beating and shooting of Tupac as punishment for Tupac not wanting to join Diddy's Bad Boy record label.

Based on what, you scoff. FBI reports? Statements from informants? Interviews by people who were there as it actually happened? Well, actually, yes. But Diddy isn't going to take this sort of slander sitting down – he's responded with all the force that a quickly bashed-out 63-word statement can muster:

"This story is beyond ridiculous and is completely false. Neither Biggie nor I had any knowledge of any attack before, during, or after it happened. It is a complete lie to suggest that there was any involvement by Biggie or myself. I am shocked that the Los Angeles Times would be so irresponsible as to publish such a baseless and completely untrue story."

As odd as it is for a newspaper to drag up a mostly-forgotten 14-year-old story about a dead convicted sex abuse felon getting roughed up, if Diddy really did have a hand in it then it still counts as being newsworthy, if a little sensational.

But listen to Diddy. Listen to the man! He definitely didn't play any part in Tupac's shooting, no matter what anyone says. And Diddy is a trustworthy man. He might have left his girlfriend right after she had his twins, he might have accepted an advance to write his autobiography then failed to write anything while refusing to hand back the advance and he may have been boning Sienna Miller on the sly, but we'll just say this.

Diddy says that pissing is good. And pissing is good. Therefore we're adamant that he didn't help shoot some bloke a decade and a half ago.

Read more:

Diddy Denies LA Times' Tupac Story – AP