According to OK! magazine, Britney Spears seems to think that the easiest way to solve all her problems is to spend $18,000 on getting her gut, hips and thighs liposuctioned, $25,000 to slam a less haggard pair of fake boobies inside her, $18,000 on a tummy-tuck and $20,000 on a brand-new schnoz. But why stop there? After all, if Britney Spears really wants all her troubles to go away she should also think about getting her hair Teflon-coated so she can't start indiscriminately shaving it off in a rage; also, surely the technology exists to replace Britney's tumpsy with something nicer to look at next time she goes out without any knickers, like a picture of a monkey or an LED news ticker.

Sure, Britney Spears might be the most popular thing on the whole of the internet again this year, but not for the right reasons. Where in the past, internet users searched for images of Britney's genitalia out of sheer titillation, this year they've mostly done it so they can print them out and use them to warn their children that it'll come and eat them in their sleep if they don't do their homework.

And Britney Spears knows only too well that she has an image problem. Twelve solid months of endless custody battles and erratic, child-endangering behaviour and rumours of drug-use and lacklustre performances have hurt Britney's career more than anything, but Britney knows what'll fix all that – a brand new conk.

According to OK! magazine, Britney Spears wants to blow $81,000 on a total cosmetic surgery overhaul of her body, because she just isn't happy with her life and it's generally easier to have some fat sucked out of her arse than face up to her deep-seated emotional problems. According to a friend of Britney's:

“She's always worrying about what she looks like. She checks pictures of herself on the Internet every night and criticizes every single one."

This sudden decision to have her body completely altered comes just over a month after Britney Spears got a brand new set of lips and a freshly-Botoxed forehead, and now she's decided to go the whole hog. And, actually, maybe it's not such a bad idea.

After all, Britney Spears earns $81,000 every three and a half days – so it's not exactly a fortune for her. Plus, think of the upsides to it all – with a brand-new appearance there's a chance that Britney's sons wouldn't recognise her so easily, so they'd probably cry a lot less when they were around her.

And if that's not enough, Britney could ask to keep the old breasts, nose and buckets of liposuctioned fat and use them to create a wobbly, unstable-looking Britney Spears puppet that she could strap up on wires and get to perform live for her so she wouldn't need to in the future. It couldn't be less convincing than Britney was at the MTV VMAs, at least.

Read more:

OK! Exclusive: Britney's $81,000 Makeover Plans – OK!