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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Secret Mystery Defence Witness Alert!

by Stuart Heritage

It takes a lot to upstage a video of a 13-year-old girl urinating for a grown man, but the R Kelly child pornography trial may have hit the jackpot.

Because yesterday at the R Kelly child pornography trial… not much happened. Not much happened because the judge halted the trial for a day. And the judge halted the trial because a brand new ultra-mysterious secret witness for the defence has just descended onto the scene.

According to R Kelly’s defence, nobody knew this witness even existed until 9am yesterday morning when it received a phone call. It’s exciting, dramatic stuff and not even the judge knows what’s going on. We can’t wait! We want to be profoundly disappointed by the inevitable anticlimax now!

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: It’s Definitely Him, Says Ex-Employee

by Stuart Heritage

This whole R Kelly child pornography trial has shot its wad a little early; maybe ‘shot its wad’ is the wrong term – it’s piddled on a child’s face a little early. That’s better.

Anyway, our point is that the very first act of the R Kelly child pornography trial involved showing everyone the infamous alleged R Kelly sex tape. And since it’s physically impossible to top the sight of a full-grown man ordering a 13-year-old girl to wet her knickers to the sound of the Backstreet Boys, the trial’s got a little dull.

The most exciting thing that can happen now is watching people identify the star of the tape as R Kelly. People like R Kelly’s former employee Lindsey Perryman, who turned up yesterday to say that not only is it R Kelly in the tape, but the female star is who everyone thinks it is because of the distinctive way she moves her mouth. We’ll finish writing this article as soon as we’ve stopped shuddering involuntarily.

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: It’s Him, Says Some Girl

by Stuart Heritage

Now that the fun part of the R Kelly child pornography – watching a video of a 13-year-old girl wet herself to the Backstreet Boys – is over, it’s time to get serious.

And by serious, we mean dull. To convict R Kelly, the prosecution needs to prove that it’s him in the aforementioned sex tape – something that’s hard to do because R Kelly says it isn’t him and the girl accused of co-starring in the tape says she’s got nothing to do with any of it either.

But yesterday a witness stepped forward to say that R Kelly is definitely the guy in the video doing a wee on a child, and that the child is who everyone thinks it is as well. So it looks like everyone can go home soon. Cocktails all round!

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: All About The Backstreet Boys, Mostly

by Stuart Heritage

The R Kelly child pornography trial is now underway, and it looks like things are even more disgusting than we thought.

Because, on the opening day of the trial, the now infamous alleged R Kelly sex tape was played to jurors and – we can’t believe we have to tell to tell you something as sordid as this – it features dancing. To a Backstreet Boys song.

Oh, and also it allegedly shows R Kelly urinating, his possibly 13-year-old sex partner urinating and several creepy instances of the word ‘Daddy’. But one thing the R Kelly sex tape doesn’t feature is The Spice Girls, because as soon as one of their songs comes on the radio, R Kelly halts proceedings and switches channel. Suck it Geri Halliwell, you’re not even good enough to soundtrack lurid child sex videos! In your face!

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Three Wonderful Jurors Picked

by Stuart Heritage

Picking a jury for the R Kelly child porn trial must be an unrelentingly difficult procedure.

The process involves weeding out those who really like R Kelly, those who really hate R Kelly, anyone who’s formed an opinion about R Kelly based on the mountain of press he’s received over his alleged underage sex tape, those who like the idea of watching child porn a little too much and those who did all of the above onpurpose to get them out of jury service.

But, despite all that, three jurors have been chosen for the R Kelly child porn trial. The big news, however, is that yesterday R Kelly sat next to a toilet and the poo-stink went up his nose and he got all sad. No, really.

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R Kelly’s Kiddy Porn Trial Really About To Start Soon, Honest

by Stuart Heritage

Forget believing he can fly or finding ever-more inventive ways to compare his willy to a car key in songs, R Kelly is only really good at one thing.

And that’s delaying the start of his child pornography trial. For the last six years, R Kelly has kept inventing clever new tricks to put off the trial again and again – but it looks as though his luck might have run out.

At last, tomorrow will see the commencement of the jury selection process for R Kelly’s child pornography trial, effectively locking a start date down for good. And, oh boy, is that going to be one lucky jury – the judge has ruled that R Kelly’s apparently incriminating underage sex tape can be shown in open court. High fives to agreeing to watch a 14-year-old girl get urinated on by R Kelly! Anyone? No?

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Boy George Manwhore-Chaining Trial Date Set

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve never chained a male escort to the wall of our house and then threatened him a bunch of times, but we were open to the possibility of it until Boy George arsed it all up by getting arrested for that very thing.

Now, if we ever found ourselves in the situation where we’d chained a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will, not only would we have to suffer the ignominy of knowing that we’re basically just following in Boy George’s footsteps, but we’ll also be acutely aware that we’d probably end up in court for it – as Boy George has found for himself, since he’s just been in court learning that his formal trial will begin on February 25. It sounds bad for Boy George, but it isn’t – we hear that spending Christmas day dreading the thought of being criminally prosecuted for chaining a male escort to a wall is the absolute must-have trend in Milan this season.

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OJ Simpson Gets A Proper Jail-Facing Trial

by Stuart Heritage

The world has changed since OJ Simpson last stood trial for anything – back then the internet didn’t exist, all food tasted like wood shavings and a knife was the most technologically-advanced weapon you could stab people to death with.

But this time, wow. The judge presiding over OJ Simpson’s preliminary hearing has ruled that there is more than enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his part in September’s supposed armed robbery in Las Vegas. That means that OJ Simpson will have to adjust to being the centrepiece of a blazingly high-profile trial in the 21st century, with all its trappings. OJ Simpson’s trial is set to begin in 2008, when you’ll be able to stab someone to death with a remote-controlled nanobot and buy food that tastes like anything up to three different types of wood shavings. Sadly, though, the internet still doesn’t exist, which means you’re imagining all this and should probably get your brain checked out.

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