Articles tagged with: trial
Phil Spector Murder Trial Redux: Injured Juror, Hold Your Horses
We've missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had. And that's why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector's greatest hits - the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullet trajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now. Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn't because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he'll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.
We've missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had. And that's why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector's greatest hits - the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullet trajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now. Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn't because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he'll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.
Britney Spears Trial Dies Of Boredom
We'd just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who'd emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial. If this is the case we'd like to make a two-part apology. 1) We're sorry you're an idiot and 2) you've obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial. Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn't know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What's more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don't get us wrong - everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.
We'd just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who'd emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial. If this is the case we'd like to make a two-part apology. 1) We're sorry you're an idiot and 2) you've obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial. Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn't know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What's more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don't get us wrong - everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.
Britney Spears Is Innocent! Or Guilty! Nobody Really Knows!
Were you worried that this Britney Spears hit and run trial was going to run so smoothly that it wouldn't make a mockery of just about everything? You were? Well relax. This is Britney Spears we're talking about - a woman who'd have trouble boiling an egg without ending up in a mental hospital because she'd had a hysterical breakdown and attempted to dip one of her own son's ankles into the water halfway through - so of course it hasn't gone smoothly. In fact, the Britney Spears hit and run trial has managed to foul itself right up, with the jury completely unable to decide if Britney is guilty or not after four separate votes. Oh, if only Britney Spears' was charged with being the adorably kooky queen of American pop, it'd be much easier to reach a unanimous guilty verdict. In fact, she'd be so guilty that we'd probably have to sentence her to the electric chair. That sweet, sweet electric chair.
Were you worried that this Britney Spears hit and run trial was going to run so smoothly that it wouldn't make a mockery of just about everything? You were? Well relax. This is Britney Spears we're talking about - a woman who'd have trouble boiling an egg without ending up in a mental hospital because she'd had a hysterical breakdown and attempted to dip one of her own son's ankles into the water halfway through - so of course it hasn't gone smoothly. In fact, the Britney Spears hit and run trial has managed to foul itself right up, with the jury completely unable to decide if Britney is guilty or not after four separate votes. Oh, if only Britney Spears' was charged with being the adorably kooky queen of American pop, it'd be much easier to reach a unanimous guilty verdict. In fact, she'd be so guilty that we'd probably have to sentence her to the electric chair. That sweet, sweet electric chair.
Britney Spears’ Boring Pointless Trial Goes To Jury
It's weird now, isn't it, that Britney Spears has got hair and speaks in sentences rather than paranoid garbled shrieks. In fact, we miss the old red-eyed, crazy British-accented Britney Spears who was allowed to stumble around everywhere followed by a pack of screaming paparazzi. And that's why we're clinging to the last remnant of that era as hard as we can - Britney Spears' hit and run trial. Even though it's plainly rubbish. So far, the trial has lasted about 30 seconds and Britney Spears hasn't once been anywhere near the courtroom - and now it's down to the jury. After deliberating furiously over the trial, jurors expected to return soon with their verdict. And, given the special nature of this trial, the verdicts open to them are 'Shut up' and 'Nobody even cares'.
It's weird now, isn't it, that Britney Spears has got hair and speaks in sentences rather than paranoid garbled shrieks. In fact, we miss the old red-eyed, crazy British-accented Britney Spears who was allowed to stumble around everywhere followed by a pack of screaming paparazzi. And that's why we're clinging to the last remnant of that era as hard as we can - Britney Spears' hit and run trial. Even though it's plainly rubbish. So far, the trial has lasted about 30 seconds and Britney Spears hasn't once been anywhere near the courtroom - and now it's down to the jury. After deliberating furiously over the trial, jurors expected to return soon with their verdict. And, given the special nature of this trial, the verdicts open to them are 'Shut up' and 'Nobody even cares'.
If OJ Simpson Did It, Here’s How It… Oh Wait, He Did Do It
Guess what. That armed robbery of OJ Simpson's that had several witnesses and audio recordings to back it up - turns out he did it. By now you've probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he's being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety. But still, OJ Simpson won't find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he's been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he's always wanted to, for example - the hypothetical If I Didn't Do It, Here's How It Didn't Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.
Guess what. That armed robbery of OJ Simpson's that had several witnesses and audio recordings to back it up - turns out he did it. By now you've probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he's being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety. But still, OJ Simpson won't find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he's been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he's always wanted to, for example - the hypothetical If I Didn't Do It, Here's How It Didn't Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.
OJ Simpson’s Boring Fate All Down To The Jury Now
OJ Simpson's Difficult Second Trial has gone to the jury - it's now down to them to decide whether OJ Simpson did it or didn't do or killed his wife or whatever. The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed - in that they weren't really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they'd rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that's not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally - finally - make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting. So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson's fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can't they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we're losing all sensation in our feet.
OJ Simpson's Difficult Second Trial has gone to the jury - it's now down to them to decide whether OJ Simpson did it or didn't do or killed his wife or whatever. The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed - in that they weren't really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they'd rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that's not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally - finally - make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting. So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson's fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can't they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we're losing all sensation in our feet.
OJ Simpson Trial Almost Finished, Nothing Really Achieved
The closing arguments of the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means soon - finally - something interesting might actually happen soon. It's doubtful though, because the entire OJ Simpson trial has been a bit of a snore. It shouldn't have been - a man almost had a heart attack once and yesterday everyone heard how a man apparently threatened to go on the rampage with a gun - but it was. Not even OJ Simpson could be bothered to testify at the OJ Simpson trial, for crying out loud. To be fair, though, we hear that's because he's saving his thoughts up for another book; the forthcoming If I Did It (Which I Might Or Might Not Have Done) Here's How It Either Happened Or Would've Happened Depending On If I Did It Or Not.
The closing arguments of the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means soon - finally - something interesting might actually happen soon. It's doubtful though, because the entire OJ Simpson trial has been a bit of a snore. It shouldn't have been - a man almost had a heart attack once and yesterday everyone heard how a man apparently threatened to go on the rampage with a gun - but it was. Not even OJ Simpson could be bothered to testify at the OJ Simpson trial, for crying out loud. To be fair, though, we hear that's because he's saving his thoughts up for another book; the forthcoming If I Did It (Which I Might Or Might Not Have Done) Here's How It Either Happened Or Would've Happened Depending On If I Did It Or Not.
Britney Spears. Hit And Run. Court. Still. Snore.
Back when Britney Spears was a crazy person, and not the well-adjusted pillar of society she is today, she did a lot of regrettable things. And what was the most regrettable thing that Britney Spears did during her barmy lost weekend? No, not proving herself to be an untrustworthy mother or consistently becoming more and more of a global embarrassment with every single passing second - we're talking about the time that Britney Spears sort of gently drove into a car in a car park. It was, quite frankly, outrageous. We know this because people still aren't shutting up about it - Britney's lawyer is still trying to appeal against a criminal trial for the hit and run scheduled for next month. Experts have responded to the move by Michael Flanagan with shock. Slowly punching yourself in the face again and again while murmuring "Make it stop" does still count as shock, right?
Back when Britney Spears was a crazy person, and not the well-adjusted pillar of society she is today, she did a lot of regrettable things. And what was the most regrettable thing that Britney Spears did during her barmy lost weekend? No, not proving herself to be an untrustworthy mother or consistently becoming more and more of a global embarrassment with every single passing second - we're talking about the time that Britney Spears sort of gently drove into a car in a car park. It was, quite frankly, outrageous. We know this because people still aren't shutting up about it - Britney's lawyer is still trying to appeal against a criminal trial for the hit and run scheduled for next month. Experts have responded to the move by Michael Flanagan with shock. Slowly punching yourself in the face again and again while murmuring "Make it stop" does still count as shock, right?
