We’re not 100% sure on this, but Matthew McConaughey may not actually know what a placenta is.

We say this because the placenta from the birth of his newborn son, Levi, is going to star opposite Matthew in his next romantic comedy. You see, believe it or not, Matty-boy has still not hit rock bottom. Plus, the placenta is a more interesting version of Kate Hudson for about the same price.

Okay, we made all that up. The truth is that McConaughey is going to use the placenta to fertilize a tree.

There. That’s much less retarded.

Matthew McConaughey’s an interesting dude. And by interesting, we of course mean that he’s pretty much the imperial sovereign of formulaic romantic comedies that have been scientifically proven to cause brain cell death.

He’s also interesting because he’s photographed topless with frightening regularity, and he’s named his son after a brand of jeans that the T-Birds wore when they spontaneously burst into song and dance like.

But there’s a whole new bag of crazy out there that rightfully belongs to Matty. And it’s filled with his newborn son’s placenta. You see, in a recent interview with CNN, Matthew told a very confused and grossed-out world that he not only has kept the placenta, but he plans to plant it so it will help brings forth some delicious fruit. Seriously, he did. You can’t make this junk up. Matthew McConaughey told CNN:

“It’s going to bear some wonderful fruit. When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river. It was gorgeous. All the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength. This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it.”

Know who our heart really goes out to? The poor hospital worker that Matt turned to and said, “Alright, alright, alright. Can y’all bag up that slimy, bloody mess for me so I can take it home and plant it my neighbour’s yard?”

How does one pack up a placenta, anyway? Is there a special placenta transport and storage bag for the placenta, or do they just slap in into some Tupperware and throw it in the freezer with the label ‘Afterbirth: 7/07. Do not eat. Not Nana’s homemade fruit preserves’.

Anyway, good luck to Matthew McConaughey and his innovative gardening endeavours. We also would like to thank him for giving us the opportunity to set the record for typing the word placenta the most times ever in a hecklerspray post. And if you’re a regular reader, you’ll appreciate that this was no easy feat, although the absence of our dear editor evens the playing field significantly in that regard.