What would you get if you went back in time, kidnapped Aled Jones before his voice broke, transported him to Germany to whip off his bits, turned them inside-out like a glove, then gave him a blonde asymmetrical fringe, and access to bland music software?

You’d get Teutonic transgender pop sensation, Kim Petras. Or that gurning bisexual one out of Blue. But this isn’t about him.

This is about German 16-year-old Kim Petras who has lived as a girl for most of her life, but only had her man-bits remodelled by surgeons last year, and is celebrating by saturating the three-figure end of the charts with her bland Eurodance single, Die For You.

Hurrah! We almost never see this sort of thing. Well, apart from Dana International. And that single by bolshy Big Brother transmidget Nadia.

But anyway.

Kim was born Tim Petras, and we’d joke about her not having enough imagination to choose a more traditionally exotic transsexual name such as LeQuahnda or Beyonce, but we imagine that if you’re pumping your body full of synthetic hormones, and facing surgery that makes a cat’s cradle out of your genitalia, and may or may not involve turning part of your bowel into an artist’s impression of a vagina, you’ve probably enough on your mind. In fact you’re lucky if, when the name-changers come calling, you don’t end up with the new moniker of Please No Please Please No I’ve Changed My Mind Oh God I Like My Penis Why’s It All Going Dark I Want My Mum Petras.

It’d be all too easy to make vaguely racist tranny jokes here, but then we’d be ignoring the real issue: the video for Die for You, which you can watch on The Sun’s website.

The song itself is not terrible; it doesn’t sound like it was sung in a David Walliams falsetto, and will probably end up on an unholy Ibiza compilation by the end of the year, but the video could do with some work. In it, Kim

•    Sits at a bar and plays with her hair like Paris Hilton
•    Cavorts in a park with a man at least twelve times her age
•    Stands in a room, lip-synching earnestly into the camera
•    Waves her arms about when the song gets a bit faster in the middle

This will never do. Nadia from Big Brother at least had some oiled-up male dancers to self-consciously fondle in her video. If you’re reading this, Kim, here are hecklerspray’s five top tips for a successful second pop-video-by-someone-who-wants-to-be-thought-of-as-a-pop-singer-and-not-a-transsexual:

•    Kim, a girl, meets Tim, a boy, and snogs him
•    A robot Kim meets a robot Tim, and robot-snogs him
•    Any kind of poledancing whatsoever
•    Writhing around on a bed with a selection of cylindrical fruits and vegetables
•    Actual footage of the gender reassignment surgery  

“I wouldn’t change anything about me or how I got here. I’m doing what I love and am finally happy with who I am,” Kim told The Sun.  ?That’s all very well, but suggestive vegetables in the next video, yeah? Attaboy.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Robyn Wilder from Dollymix, so well done her

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We’ve heard a time or two that it’s difficult to be gay. Not only do you have to drink from separate drinking fountains in California, but there’s all that chaffing in really crazy places.

Both of those factors may have contributed to Cher’s daughter Chastity deciding to become Cher’s son Chaz. Let us be clear in stating that we don’t know for sure why Chastity/Chaz is going under the genital-hungry knife. We suspect it’s probably because she just doesn’t want to be gay anymore, and a patch-work penis is her only way to the front of the bus.

If gender transition surgery is anything like we imagine, then pretty soon Chaz Bono is gonna be laying unconscious on a table with current-conducive wiring connecting a tank full of electric eels to the little metal bolts on either side of his heavily stitched penis. That’s because Chastity Bono has decided she needs to be a man.

We just want her to know it takes more than a blood-filled skin flap to be endowed with masculinity. No – she’s gonna have to sign up for football throwing lessons. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if she started chewing tobacco for a few years post-op. That way everybody will know she’s really serious about the whole thing.

How do you think her mother feels about the whole thing? After all, when Chastity initially came out as not-straight her mom had a hard time with it. Not this time though – this time Cher is fully supportive. That’s why she’s having a urinary track embedded in her nose to prep it for a daughter’s-crotch donation, if you catch our meaning. We’ve studied the matter, and anatomically that’s actually quite plausible.

Plausible maybe, but not true. Here’s a direct Cher quote to clear things up:

“Chaz is embarking on a difficult journey, but one that I will support. I respect the courage it takes to go through this transition in the glare of public scrutiny, and although I may not understand, I will strive to be understanding. The one thing that will never change is my abiding love for my child.”

When asked what would happen to Chaz’s discarded ovaries, Cher hinted silently with her eyes:

“I don’t know what Chaz will do with them, but if they end up in my possession I fully intend to  fill them full of grandbabies.”

The singer failed to elaborate on just how that would happen. Maybe if she sewed them into a sterile monkey and slowly lowered it into an oozing vat of donor sperm.

Science could probably do that, you know. They really probably could.

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Throughout a typical season several competing girls learn to take their overall dearth of life-skills and fling them at the camera like a monkey flings fecal matter that’s been picked clean of all its nutritional value. It’s an ode to humanity if you think about it; girls come from nothing, Tyra intervenes, girls receive the potential to make loads of money all over the place by blankly staring into the business end of George Eastman’s big glass eye.

But what happens if a would-be contestant just has too many penises? Would his bulgy bikini shots be a life-long demerit.  Not if Tyra has anything to say about it. Which she does, especially in this case – she’s paying to have one of the show’s contestants get their man-hammer cut off with knives.

Seriously. Sounds like a ratings winner.

The thing about gender is it’s very fickle. Why, in New Guinea there’s an entire tribe of people whose gender for the day is decided by whatever melon they choose to eat for breakfast. It’s potent stuff. Has something to do with seed count. Science can’t explain it, and so we don’t feel obligated to either.

The point being when someone is born into this world it’s never with a specific masculine or feminine destiny in mind. The human race was not meant to be dictated by the little stick figures that grace most public bathroom doors. Just ask Stu.

Think about it – why else would the male penis be so easily detachable. The only thing really separating man from becoming a more genderless woman is getting caught naked in a strong gust of wind too near a pile of loose shingles.

Is that vague?

Tyra Banks understands this all too well. That’s why she’s taking the opportunity to help the first gender-bending contestant on America’s Next Top Model get a free sex change. As Hollyscoop puts it:

“Isis [the transgender contestant from ...Top Model] appeared on Tyra to talk about her struggles with her situation, and that she tried not to let it affect her time on Top Model.

“Tyra Banks then introduces Isis to Dr. Marci Bowers, a leading gender reassignment surgeon who has experienced the surgery herself. Isis hasn’t been able to pay for the pricy surgery, which is why Dr. Bowers offers to pay for it herself. Pretty nice of her, huh?”

Well, hecklerspray just hopes Isis understands this surgery could have heavy-handed consequences when it comes to his/her right to vote in several countries around the world.

Also it’ll probably reduce his/her lawn mowing ability. These are the kind of things pre-op transgenders just don’t ever really think about.

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