Cher has a son. He’s called Chaz. Chaz used to be a girl, but now isn’t. And that’s fine because what he looks at when naked in the mirror doesn’t affect anyone but him or who he has sex with. Right? WRONG.

See, America – because it’s filled with judgemental Christian dickheads – completely believes that Chaz Bono’s genitalia it’s everyone business.

That’s why there’s a load of hooting fools all kicking off about Chaz’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars. WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY? You’d hope Jesus would have better things to do with his time than watching dreadful dancing competitions. And Cher? She’s not happy about it at all.

Chaz is the first transgender competitor on the dancing contest and as such, in the name of equality, look just as daft as everyone else in their hideous outfits while badly gyrating around a ballroom floor to some half-baked version of ‘Smooth’ by Carlos Santana.

And people are attacking Chaz with their words, spitting about how disgusting it is that someone who has taken presumably an agonising decision to realign their gender, should want to partake in a television programme.

It’s awful isn’t it?

And Cher has hit out against naysayers on twitter, saying:

“lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it

One group, who sound particularly lovely, called One Million Moms, who have a goal to fight the “filth many segments of our society, especially the entertainment media,” are urging people to

“Email ABC Network and let them know that we will not tolerate these subjects being forced into our homes.”

Didya hear that? The real tragedy here is that Americans are actively forced by their government to watch Dancing With The Stars. The off button refuses to work while it broadcasts and all channels are required by law to air it. There is no escape outside either, as the show itself is projected onto the sky for all to see.

Poor, poor Christian America. They’re forced to face a thing they simply refuse to understand based on the teachings of some Middle Eastern hippie with holes in his paws.

Good thing none of these Christians are fat, because last time we checked, gluttony was high on the list of sins.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

If Adolph Hitler had been a woman, perhaps he would have only killed his husband’s dinner every night instead of all those innocent nice people. But alas – he wasn’t. The testosterone that raced through his veins pushed his military into the far corners of the world – mowing down anybody that prayed to a different God. If only his hobbies had been crocheting and recipes instead of gas chambers and bombs. Perhaps then things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand.

Perhaps that’s why the allied forces were going to use inside people to slip him enough estrogen to make him grow boobies, and wonder which lip stick would go best with his shoes.

Long have we thought that Hitler would look good in a Bikini. And we’re not talking about the Hitler you see in all the old news reals – we mean him in his current state. But then we’ve always thought long-dead zombie dictators were an attractive lot. We’re not alone here either. Except for the zombie part. Yes, we’re pretty sure we’re alone in the zombie part.

Apparently Winston Churchill thought he might actually stand a chance if Hitler was a woman and the two of them crossed paths in a dimly lit, romantic bar. Maybe that’s why the Allies of WWII actually had a plan to slip Adolph estrogen. If he was too busy smoothing his nails then he probably wouldn’t think about squishing Polish babies under his tank tread as much. But let’s skip straight to the source here. According to WalesOnline:

“[The Hitler/Estrogen details] have come to light now because of the publication of new documents not previously seen because of their sensitive nature. The book is authored by Professor Brian Ford, a fellow at Cardiff University and pioneer of popular science. He said the allies were deadly serious about turning the evil Austrian transgender – to be more like his placid sister Paula.

“Professor Ford said: “There was an allied plan that they would smuggle oestrogen into Hitler’s food and change his sex so he would become more feminine and less aggressive. “Their research had showed the importance of sex hormones – they were beginning to be used in sex therapy in London. The plan was to give sex hormones to Hitler and counterbalance his unnecessary aggression.” Professor Ford said the plan was perfectly plausible because British spies were already in place and primed to secretly dose his vegetable garden with the hormones which would have gone undetected for months.”

What would you get if you went back in time, kidnapped Aled Jones before his voice broke, transported him to Germany to whip off his bits, turned them inside-out like a glove, then gave him a blonde asymmetrical fringe, and access to bland music software?

You’d get Teutonic transgender pop sensation, Kim Petras. Or that gurning bisexual one out of Blue. But this isn’t about him.

This is about German 16-year-old Kim Petras who has lived as a girl for most of her life, but only had her man-bits remodelled by surgeons last year, and is celebrating by saturating the three-figure end of the charts with her bland Eurodance single, Die For You.

Hurrah! We almost never see this sort of thing. Well, apart from Dana International. And that single by bolshy Big Brother transmidget Nadia.

But anyway.

Kim was born Tim Petras, and we’d joke about her not having enough imagination to choose a more traditionally exotic transsexual name such as LeQuahnda or Beyonce, but we imagine that if you’re pumping your body full of synthetic hormones, and facing surgery that makes a cat’s cradle out of your genitalia, and may or may not involve turning part of your bowel into an artist’s impression of a vagina, you’ve probably enough on your mind. In fact you’re lucky if, when the name-changers come calling, you don’t end up with the new moniker of Please No Please Please No I’ve Changed My Mind Oh God I Like My Penis Why’s It All Going Dark I Want My Mum Petras.

It’d be all too easy to make vaguely racist tranny jokes here, but then we’d be ignoring the real issue: the video for Die for You, which you can watch on The Sun’s website.

The song itself is not terrible; it doesn’t sound like it was sung in a David Walliams falsetto, and will probably end up on an unholy Ibiza compilation by the end of the year, but the video could do with some work. In it, Kim

•    Sits at a bar and plays with her hair like Paris Hilton
•    Cavorts in a park with a man at least twelve times her age
•    Stands in a room, lip-synching earnestly into the camera
•    Waves her arms about when the song gets a bit faster in the middle

This will never do. Nadia from Big Brother at least had some oiled-up male dancers to self-consciously fondle in her video. If you’re reading this, Kim, here are hecklerspray’s five top tips for a successful second pop-video-by-someone-who-wants-to-be-thought-of-as-a-pop-singer-and-not-a-transsexual:

•    Kim, a girl, meets Tim, a boy, and snogs him
•    A robot Kim meets a robot Tim, and robot-snogs him
•    Any kind of poledancing whatsoever
•    Writhing around on a bed with a selection of cylindrical fruits and vegetables
•    Actual footage of the gender reassignment surgery  

“I wouldn’t change anything about me or how I got here. I’m doing what I love and am finally happy with who I am,” Kim told The Sun.  ?That’s all very well, but suggestive vegetables in the next video, yeah? Attaboy.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Robyn Wilder from Dollymix, so well done her

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We’ve heard a time or two that it’s difficult to be gay. Not only do you have to drink from separate drinking fountains in California, but there’s all that chaffing in really crazy places.

Both of those factors may have contributed to Cher’s daughter Chastity deciding to become Cher’s son Chaz. Let us be clear in stating that we don’t know for sure why Chastity/Chaz is going under the genital-hungry knife. We suspect it’s probably because she just doesn’t want to be gay anymore, and a patch-work penis is her only way to the front of the bus.

If gender transition surgery is anything like we imagine, then pretty soon Chaz Bono is gonna be laying unconscious on a table with current-conducive wiring connecting a tank full of electric eels to the little metal bolts on either side of his heavily stitched penis. That’s because Chastity Bono has decided she needs to be a man.

We just want her to know it takes more than a blood-filled skin flap to be endowed with masculinity. No – she’s gonna have to sign up for football throwing lessons. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if she started chewing tobacco for a few years post-op. That way everybody will know she’s really serious about the whole thing.

How do you think her mother feels about the whole thing? After all, when Chastity initially came out as not-straight her mom had a hard time with it. Not this time though – this time Cher is fully supportive. That’s why she’s having a urinary track embedded in her nose to prep it for a daughter’s-crotch donation, if you catch our meaning. We’ve studied the matter, and anatomically that’s actually quite plausible.

Plausible maybe, but not true. Here’s a direct Cher quote to clear things up:

“Chaz is embarking on a difficult journey, but one that I will support. I respect the courage it takes to go through this transition in the glare of public scrutiny, and although I may not understand, I will strive to be understanding. The one thing that will never change is my abiding love for my child.”

When asked what would happen to Chaz’s discarded ovaries, Cher hinted silently with her eyes:

“I don’t know what Chaz will do with them, but if they end up in my possession I fully intend to  fill them full of grandbabies.”

The singer failed to elaborate on just how that would happen. Maybe if she sewed them into a sterile monkey and slowly lowered it into an oozing vat of donor sperm.

Science could probably do that, you know. They really probably could.

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What’s nice about America’s Next Top Model is that it takes a young girl who really isn’t good at anything at all, and somehow turns that into a positive.

Throughout a typical season several competing girls learn to take their overall dearth of life-skills and fling them at the camera like a monkey flings fecal matter that’s been picked clean of all its nutritional value. It’s an ode to humanity if you think about it; girls come from nothing, Tyra intervenes, girls receive the potential to make loads of money all over the place by blankly staring into the business end of George Eastman‘s big glass eye.

But what happens if a would-be contestant just has too many penises? Would his bulgy bikini shots be a life-long demerit.  Not if Tyra has anything to say about it. Which she does, especially in this case – she’s paying to have one of the show’s contestants get their man-hammer cut off with knives.

Seriously. Sounds like a ratings winner.

The thing about gender is it’s very fickle. Why, in New Guinea there’s an entire tribe of people whose gender for the day is decided by whatever melon they choose to eat for breakfast. It’s potent stuff. Has something to do with seed count. Science can’t explain it, and so we don’t feel obligated to either.

The point being when someone is born into this world it’s never with a specific masculine or feminine destiny in mind. The human race was not meant to be dictated by the little stick figures that grace most public bathroom doors. Just ask Stu.

Think about it – why else would the male penis be so easily detachable. The only thing really separating man from becoming a more genderless woman is getting caught naked in a strong gust of wind too near a pile of loose shingles.

Is that vague?

Tyra Banks understands this all too well. That’s why she’s taking the opportunity to help the first gender-bending contestant on America’s Next Top Model get a free sex change. As Hollyscoop puts it:

“Isis [the transgender contestant from ...Top Model] appeared on Tyra to talk about her struggles with her situation, and that she tried not to let it affect her time on Top Model.

“Tyra Banks then introduces Isis to Dr. Marci Bowers, a leading gender reassignment surgeon who has experienced the surgery herself. Isis hasn’t been able to pay for the pricy surgery, which is why Dr. Bowers offers to pay for it herself. Pretty nice of her, huh?”

Well, hecklerspray just hopes Isis understands this surgery could have heavy-handed consequences when it comes to his/her right to vote in several countries around the world.

Also it’ll probably reduce his/her lawn mowing ability. These are the kind of things pre-op transgenders just don’t ever really think about.

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