The July 4 weekend box office is always a big deal. It’s when America comes together and celebrates the birthday of noted French economist Gerard Debreu.

And what better way to commemorate the life of the man who so famously revealed that economies have a finite number of price equilibria than by crowning two movies as the weekend box office number one?

That’s right, Transformers Revenge Of The Fallen and Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs are both the number one movies at the US weekend box office. It’s all for you, Gerard Debreu.

We were just kidding with all that Gerard Debreu stuff, you know. We do realise that it’s just been American Independence Day. But sadly the weekend box office has ended in a tie between Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs and Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, which means that no single movie will get to encapsulate the American spirit this year.

So which one of the weekend box office number ones is most like America? Well, Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs is a cartoon about some dinosaurs, while Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is bloated, violent, filled with a misguided sense of its own importance, loud for the sake of being loud and pretty much hated by the vast majority of people. It’s a close one, that’s for sure. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Luckily, thanks to the recession all but destroying the car industry, there probably isn’t going to be a Transformers 3. Or, if there is, the giant robots will all have to transform into something more climate-appropriate, like an overpacked train full of miserable commuters or a job centre or a jam jar full of tears) $42,500,000

1 - Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (Oh, boggle-eyed Ice Age chipmunk thing, what increasingly tedious, overlong, slightly too smug, self-consciously zany scheme will you dream up to catch that acorn and obviously pad out what’s clearly quite an undercooked main Ice Age plot this time? You’ll be the death of us, chipmunk, you really will) $42,500,000

3 – Public Enemies (A fairly poor showing for Public Enemies. If only John Dillinger spoke like a boozed-up British earl, dressed like a homeless fairy and ran around in a funny way pulling a series of “God I’m SO crazy, whatever are you going to do with ME?” faces, we’re sure this wouldn’t have happened) $26,172,000

4 - The Proposal (Hey Sandra Bullock, we’ve got a proposal for you – stop making rubbish films that are identical to each other and we’ll stop being mean about you. And then we’ll get into all sorts of hilarious mishaps along the way and end up improbably falling in love. It’ll be fun) $12,779,000

5 - The Hangover (Following the success of The Hangover, The Hangover 2 is all but guaranteed. Here’s hoping it’s called The Onset On Decompensated Cirrhosis, because that would be just hysterical) $10,415,000

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Congratulations Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen – you’ve broken yourself a weekend box office record.

What record? Why, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, you’ve broken the weekend box office record for the longest, noisiest film that’s about absolutely nothing at all. And the weekend box office record for having the most painfully racist-seeming characters this side of Jar-Jar Binks.

And, somewhat inexplicably, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, you’ve broken the weekend box office record for the year’s biggest movie opening. Actually, wait, is that one true? It doesn’t seem like it should be. It is? Really? People are stupid.

So Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is the US weekend box office’s biggest movie of the year. But that’s not all. It also holds the record for the most needless sequel of all time. And the record for the loudest-ever film that you’ll probably end up falling asleep through. And the record for the movie that features so much entirely indistinguishable close-up robot-on-robot violence that you’ll quite quickly lose track of what’s supposed to be happening and just sort of end up wanting to go home.

Oh, and the record for the film that’s only going to make Shia LaBeouf more obnoxious, more liable to overuse the word ‘outrageous’ in interviews and more like to crash more cars drunk. Well done, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen! Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Oh, and Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen has also broken the weekend box office record for the film where the most amount of characters who are supposed to be old and wise have beards, even though they’re giant robots from outer space that turn into cars, and it doesn’t make much sense for them to have beards at all when you apply any amount of thought to it whatsoever) $112,000,000

2 - The Proposal (You’re not weekend box office number one any more are you, The Proposal? That technically means that Sandra Bullock isn’t America’s sweetheart any more. No, America’s new sweetheart is a massive three-storey-tall robot named Mudflap who couldn’t be more racist-seeming if he only ate fried chicken and watermelon and had a side-job driving Jessica Tandy around) $18,466,000

3 - The Hangover (Such has been The Hangover’s success that we’ve run out of things to say about it. Really. We’ve got nothing) $17,215,000

4 - Up (This is Up‘s fifth week in the weekend box office, proving that balloons and death make for an irresistible cinematic experience. Take heed, My Sister’s Keeper – what you really needed was more balloons. And more convincing actresses. And a completely different subject matter) $13,046,000

5 - My Sister’s Keeper (An appalling showing for the much-hyped My Sister’s Keeper. What kept people away? Was it the dreary subject matter? Was it the promise that everyone who watches it will end up crying? Was it the lack of giant robots? Was it the way that it seems like the worst film ever made? Maybe, but we like to think that it’s because nobody really likes Cameron Diaz as much as Cameron Diaz seems to think they do) $12,030,000

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