We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.
Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.
It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.
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Y’know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Of course you don’t… unless you’re 13 years old and have your member in your hand. For the grown-ups among you, she’s the new ‘piece’ in the woeful Transformers film. She’s the woman who has stepped into Megan Fox’s thong.
Looking at her, you can see she’s all neck and lips, very much the human form of Oblina from Aaah! Real Monsters. This, naturally, means that she’s a woman lusted after by the entire world (who doesn’t like a woman who is essentially a thin cylinder with a haircut?) and can have her pick of the eligible bachelors.
So who has she got her heart set on? Some dashing Hollywood dunderhead? Some corned-beef brained NFL player with arms wider than Ed Milliband’s vocabulary? NOPE. She’s wanting some of that Blue Blood in her system as she eyes up Prince Harry for nefarious night-time activities.
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Are you a teenager? Chances are you fancy Megan Fox then. She’s effectively an alt.fancy piece as designed on a computer game by young men yet to touch the flesh of another woman, aside from the girls they kinda fancy who they keep punching in the schoolyard.
No right minded adult would lust over Fox because she possesses all the sexual allure of a mop.
Still, that didn’t stop Shia LaBeouf who has admitted that he hooked up with Megan while they were making the Transformers films (read our Transformers 3 review here). Better still, she was probably attached to her now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time.
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Right lets cut to the chase, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has a crap script and the acting is, for lack of a better word, shit. Sorry Michael, but bear with us because you come off good in the end…
It’s still got those bloody parents in it, it’s rife with dodgy racial stereotyping, the irritating shitty robots who do nothing but make lame jokes, penis references and Patrick Dempsey. Trust us – the list goes on!
Frankly it’s difficult to understand why scriptwriter Ehren Kruger is even working on Transformers still, having failed so miserably with the last film. Worst still, despite getting rid of Megan Fox, director Michael Bay has seemingly opted for yet another hottie with zero acting skills in the form of Rosie Huntington-Whitley who seems to spend more time pouting and looking dead to the world than actually contributing to the bloody film. For a director with such a skill at creating visual feasts for the eyes, he sure is ignorant when it comes to the storytelling behind a film… but this is an brilliant film, right?
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Oh dear. What’s a really stupid thing for an actor to do? Well, anti-Semitic comments haven’t ever really helped anyone and slagging off incredibly influential directors is almost certainly a dumb thing to do.
And now, hilariously. Megan Fox is going to find out just what happens when you do both of the above after she compared her boss to Hitler.
It appears that Spielberg didn’t take kindly having someone mouthing off about Hitler who, y’know, oversaw the killing of quite a few Jews, probably including a number of Spielberg’s family. As such, Stevie boy saw to it that Fox lost some lucrative acting work. What with her being one of the most amazing actors we’ve ever seen, this will no doubt be a crushing blow to her CV.
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There’s something strange… in the neighbourhood…. who y’gonna call? TRANSFORMERS! Yes indeed, there’s a new Transformers film coming out (next July apparently) and once again, it is set to have a load of explosions and girls with billowing hair… and we’ve got some sneaky peaks at the action, behind-the-scenes style!
Of course, it is still early days, so don’t be expecting anything to look like the finished article… but there is a lot of things blowing up and customised cars to look at. You like things like that don’t you? You’re like Tim Westwood or something.
Anyway, as ever, get your rubbish human, non-Transforming arse over the jump to take a look at a pair of videos which look behind the scenes at the new Transformers 3 movie. As ever with Michael Bay, it all looks like a war zone.
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10 - Being vastly overweight: the barely-convincing upsides – Asylum
9 - Unofficial World Cup posters, which are awesome apart from ours which is crap – Buzzfeed
8 - This is hilarious: the Portuguese Eurovision entry, transcribed – Watchwithmothers
7 - Everybody wants to be in Transformers 3 - AmyGrindhouse
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A prediction – Transformers 3 will be the Citizen Kane of tediously impenetrable films about toy robots.
It’s going to have everything. Explosions. Casual racism. That kid who fouled up the last Indiana Jones film. Hour upon hour of largely indistinguishable giant robots soullessly clanking into each other to the point where you realise that you would have got precisely the same effect from loading up on booze and taking a kaleidoscope to a scrapyard. Everything. Oh, except for Megan Fox.
It’s been announced that Megan Fox won’t be appearing in Transformers 3. But there’s some confusion over whose decision it was. Was Megan Fox sacked from Transformers 3 because she’s not a good enough actor for Michael Bay, or did Megan Fox quit Transformers 3 because she thinks she can do better than a production line film about some fighting robots? Either way, there’s not a great deal to be proud of here.
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