Robert Pattinson. A man so boring that he can stare at a bag of peanuts and they’ll wither into Sun-Pat before his lifeless eyes. A man so criminally dull that air turns stagnant when he wakes up in the morning.

And so, in a bid to show us that he has some personality, he’s gone and done a good deed.

While in Los Angeles – the town where even the roads are made out of a silicon – R-Patz bought a tramp an acoustic guitar, leaving the tramp glaring at this hollow figure thinking ‘money, food or Special Brew would’ve been nice, you ingrate.’

It appears that the Twilight star noticed that a homeless man didn’t have a guitar. Everyone else walking by noticed the more pressing issue of the vagrant not having a house either, but hey ho.

And so, ever thoughtful, Rob went to a nearby music store and bought a red electric guitar. Realising that the homeless man didn’t have an amp, or indeed, any plug sockets in which to power the thing, he went back and bought an acoustic.

Holidaymakers Luke Jones and girlfriend Kirsty Rowlands recognised Pattinson and said:

“Robert quickly went back to his car and drove off. The busker was totally shell-shocked. He had no idea who Robert was – I think he thought the guitar was stolen.”

Of course, the vagrant in question can only remember the guitar. It is rumoured that he found Pattinson so terminally boring that he daydreamed that the guitar simply presented itself to him, floating on some particularly unremarkable air which may or may not have had the whiff of chastity vampire about it.

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There are two ways of summing up Leona Lewis.

As the majority of people know, she is the only real winner of X Factor who has released a string of hits and hasn’t had to resort to gigging in Butlins. On the other hand, she is devoid of a personality, doesn’t do anything, looks like a horse and could give you the same level of conversation as a plastic bag.

After sucking on the musical teat of Simon Cowell, Leona has pretty much shunned the UK to be over glossed and Americanised. We rarely hear from our favourite cockney reality show wailer. However, it comes as a surprise to hear that she’s spoken to someone outside her circle of arse-licking minders. Leona only bloody went and talked to a tramp!

Tramps are a breed of people that are loathed by the public. Even Mexicans are appreciated a little bit more then the homeless. All they do is nag you for money for a cup of coffee or a sandwich. If they were at least being honest and said they were going to use the money for heroin or cheap cider, we’d hand over some spare change. But liars get nothing. Fibbing tramps will always get told to piss off.

Because Leona Lewis is a global superstar, you’d expect her entourage to plan her movement 70 hours before she steps out into the real world. Of course, there’d be nothing offensive in her way. It could cause her to literally fall over, cry and realise that she’s living in a make belief bubble that the majority of the world don’t live in.

How she encountered one of human nature’s greatest mistakes if beyond us. Surely the streets around her should have been roped off so Leona could wander around in her own world. Obviously, the FBI and CIA couldn’t work in time to turn dogpoo into flowerpots and the homeless into marble statues. Those are two of Leona’s favourite things, fact fans. Digital Spy tell us all about her homeless capers:

“She was shopping on Melrose Avenue last week when she spotted it being kept on a lead by a homeless man. She didn’t think life on a lead was any way for a rabbit to live – then when he said he was going to eat it she knew she had to save it.”

At this point, we need to make it clear that the rabbit was one of the cute and cuddly varieties that get ran over by cars. It wasn’t one of the evil-looking contraptions that ladies shove up themselves for seventh-heaven pleasure. Though a crazy tramp waving a vibrator around and proclaiming it as Jesus would have been a much more amusing sight. We’d toss money at it. But Leona has a golden heart and wouldn’t let the tramp BBQ it to bunny heaven:

“The tramp apparently offered to sell it for only $20, but she gave him $100 and told him to spend the rest on food.”

Now it’s free to roam around in Leona’s company! Perhaps she’ll base her second album on the furry creature. Under the working title Happy Fuzzy Wuzzy Cutey Bunny Wunny it’d be a concept album about the life of a rabbit, from eating lettuce and constantly shagging. It’ll be available soon featuring eleven soulless songs.

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Alan Davies is a regular on QI and he's been Jonathan Creek, but from now on – whatever he does – Alan Davies will only be known as the man who bit a tramp on the ear.

It has emerged that after drinks at the Groucho Club last week, Alan Davies flew into a bit of a rage and bit a tramp on the ear. Davies' tramp-biting exercise went on for 13 seconds and left 40-year-old Paul McElfatrick bleeding out of his ear. It's thought that Alan Davies didn't get away with biting the tramp's ear because it was all caught on CCTV, and also because just before he bit the tramp's ear, Alan Davies told him "My name's Alan. You know my name – Alan. What's my name? It's Alan." However, McElfatrick still didn't really recognise Alan Davies until he reticently added "You know, off Jonathan Creek," at which point the tramp went "Oh yeah," allowing the ear-biting session to begin in earnest.

Let's not beat around the bush here – we want what Alan Davies has got. We want the money, we want the fame – but most of all we want to experience the heady thrills of trying to dig a bit of homeless man's chewed-up ear-flesh from the gap between our first and second molars with a toothpick.

Alan Davies has never been much of a hecklerspray target in the past. That's partly because the thing that he's most famous for – Jonathan Creek, a show about a mystery-solving magician who lives in a windmill – hasn't been on TV for a few years, and partly because we feared that if we mentioned Alan Davies on the site we'd effectively be opening the gates for all slightly annoying curly-haired comedians. And that means more Justin Lee-Collins stories. Really, we're doing this to protect you.

Anyway, we've decided to mention Alan Davies just this once because he bit a tramp on the ear last week. See that? Alan Davies didn't 'bite a tramp on the ear'. Alan Davies bit a tramp on the ear. There's CCTV footage of Alan Davies biting a tramp on the ear, which means we don't even need to use inverted commas when we discuss it.

So, now that we've ascertained that Alan Davies angrily bit a tramp on the ear outside the Groucho Club last week until two men pulled him off, what does the tramp whose ear got chomped on think about it? Well, according to Paul McElfatrick:

"I thought he was going to whisper something but his face darkened and he almost spat the words, 'My name's Alan. You know my name – Alan. What's my name? It's Alan'. Then he suddenly went for my left ear. It was incredibly painful. I shrieked and my eyes were watering. He hung on and drew blood. I still can't sleep on that side of my head nearly a week later… You'd think an educated millionaire like him would have more decency." 

Meanwhile Alan Davies – who apparently was so drunk that he had to text friends the following morning to see if they knew why his mouth was all tangy with tramp-blood – blames the attack on his emotional state following the funeral of Jonathan Creek producer Verity Lambert. Davies says:

"I remember this guy coming up and wanting to talk. After a while he started getting aggressive. He began calling me the 'C' word and other names. I lost it a bit and we had something of a tussle. My friends pulled us apart. I didn't realise he was homeless… Oh God. I don't mean to laugh but that's funny isn't it? Oh God, what a nightmare." 

All this fuss about Alan Davies biting a tramp on the ear is political correctness gone crazy, it really is. What kind of a world do we live in where a drunken man can't even stumble out of his rah-rah Soho private members' club and bite a tramp on the ear until he starts to bleed?

In fact, we're so outraged about all this fuss made about Alan Davies' tramp attack that we're going to start a celebrity vigilante A-Team group to clean up the streets once and for all. We're going to hire Alan Davies to run around attacking tramps, while Jeremy Clarkson can set about all the teenage gangs. We'll draft in Morrissey to take care of the immigrants and let foreign signing Dog The Bounty Hunter handle the non-white issue. Then we can all live together in harmony under our new celebrity totalitarian overlords and all will be right with the world.

Read more:

Alan Davies' drunken bite attack – Mirror