Films. Movies. Whatever you call them, they are still being released. They’re always being released. They’ll never stop being released. Surely, at some point, we’ll reach a time when we’ve got enough films. We only need so many, right?
Anyway, until then, we’ve got to look at the newest flicks that are coming out. You can almost smell the stale popcorn.
So, here’s what the week in film trailers looks like for those of you who are hearing and/or visually impaired we’re doing the dirty work so you don’t have to.
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Plot holes! Popcorn! If you hadn’t guessed, hecklerspray is venturing into the world of film criticism and, as awards season rolls around again with all the depressing monotony of Madonna trying her best to make a movie, we couldn’t have picked a better time to start.
We’ve already seen The Golden Globes pass by like a bus that couldn’t be bothered to hit anyone and The London Critics Circle had an altogether more serious affair for the ‘proper’ films; they’ll be the ones you never saw while you were queuing for tickets to The Inbetweeners Movie.
Now though it’s time for that decrepit golden man to bestow some acclaim on some people who really don’t need anymore; enter Oscar. In other words – let us look at new trailers for new films.
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It’s soap spoiling time again you lucky people! Once again we’ve been held at gunpoint and forced to write stuff about something we’d only care less about if we were dead. Want to know what exciting things happen in Hollyoaks this week? Tough. We didn’t include them.
As usual we’re off to Eastenders first and before we give you this weeks predictable spoilers, we’d like to jump up and down topless in appreciation of Kim, who’s near death rubbish pile romance scene with Ray was our highlight of last week.
This week Ben’s hilarious plan to get his dad arrested has finally worked. Yes Phil Mitchell has been charged with the murder of Stella in a plot so drawn-out we had to look on YouTube to remember what actually happened. We’re still not sure. However, the smug grin is soon wiped off his face when Shirley throws him out and he’s forced to go and live with Ian Beale and as you all know, when you move in with Ian you have to marry him – it’s Eastenders law.
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Is your voice so husky, growling and croaky that it borders on the emphysemic? It is? Great – Hollywood’s got an opening for you.
That’s because Don LaFontaine has died. You know Don LaFontaine – he’s the man who has done the voiceover for every single movie trailer in the history of time. The man with the voice so intimidatingly authoritative that if he slipped the phrase ‘now take off your trousers’ into a trailer, cinemas everywhere would end up full of shivering confused people in their knickers. Yeah, him. He’s dead.
It’s being reported that Don LaFontaine died of complications arising from pneumonia, but let’s hope he hasn’t gone to heaven. Chances are his voice would have made God’s sound weedy and effeminate in comparison, and we hear that God gets really quite vengeful when he thinks someone’s got a bigger willy than him.
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