Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Have you seen Total Recall? Stupid isn’t it? The only good bits are the woman with 3 boobs, the robot taxi driver, Arnie’s woman disguise, the funny Krang-esque stomach face and Arnie pulling that massive thing out of his nose.
Hang on. Total Recall is clearly brilliant.
Going from apathetic to furious, the film is being remade and the trailer for the trailer has been unleashed online. The full thing is coming on Sunday, but it’ll be awful. It’s got Colin Farrell in it for a kick off.
OH MY OMG! We can barely contain our gawping tedium at the news that the first footage from the final instalment of the Twilight saga has debuted online! It has Robert Pattinson in saying the least romantic thing in the world in it!
However, this film is all about?Bella who is played by Kristen Stewart.
In this stupid installment, Bella becomes a vampire, which of course, means she gets the chance to do something that all actors aspire to do – stare menacingly at a deer. Click over to watch the trailer.
In what could be seen as fantastic timing, in that it comes very soon after the news that Marvel’s Summer blockbuster The Avengers will be renamed the nonsensical ‘Avengers Assemble’, another trailer for the film has been released, culminating in the updated title. Just for you.
It seems like all that this trailer has done is shown us what we’ve already seen: in that we see the main characters coming together to fight a common foe, but not before turning against each other for a quick fight, in true comic book style.?There’s Captain America throwing fists with Thor and Black Widow taking on Hawkeye. Which is great, seeing Scarlett Johansson finally doing something after the slow start that we got in Iron Man 2: Iron Madder (not really) but that’s sort of besides the point.
It’s a common tradition in comic books for two teams to have a bit of a barney with one another before finally joining forces for the greater good and vanquishing the foe, so that’s not that surprising, it is written by big comicky guy Joss Whedon after all. That being said, we do learn a few new things. Which you can see by clicking this sexy little link just under here. See it? It says ‘Continue Reading’ so why don’t you?
Hands up if you were excited seeing The Avengers when it gets released in April. Well we?ll just go ahead and chop those hands off because it seems that you won't be seeing The Avengers anytime soon. Nope. Disney has decided that the great British public, those responsible for making Katie Price a business woman, are too stupid to realise that a film being released in 2012 has absolutely no similarities to a 1960s TV show.
What's that about?
What's that about, indeed hecklersprayers? Disney, who bought Marvel Entertainment in 2009 for $4 billion, thinks that you're too stupid to differentiate between different characters four decades apart. Too stupid to realise that Captain America never appeared with John Steed. Too bumbling to see that Scarlett Johansson was clearly too young to be in it.
Hey! Comic nerds! Fancy picking holes in something? Then step right up, because we’ve got the newest teaser of the new web-slinging flick,?The Amazing Spider-Man, which has been trailed at special preview events around the world.
The latest incarnation of Spiderman (it’s pronounced like a surname, etc) is played by Andrew Garfield, and we get to see the full thing – and berate it for not being quite right – in July.
So what can we expect? Well, this time ’round, we’ll see?Peter Parker being bullied at school. Yep. Bullied like a big wimp. No wonder he had a chip on his shoulder. We also see the usual testing of web-firing gadgets and, better yet, the birth of the villainous Lizard played by Rhys Ifans (the one in the underpants in that film).
One of the big talking points from the Super Bowl commercial break was… well… Clint Eastwood. Away from that though, there’s a little excitement surrounding the trailer for Marvel’s The Avengers movie.
While most superhero flicks are brooding like Batman at the moment, it appears that The Avengers film is going to be pleasingly dumb, if the trailer is anything to go by.
So if you want to see it, strap in and watch things explode with?Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr), Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) and Hulk get into a giant scrap with a fella with long, greasy hair.
God, look at you all.
Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.
You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.
Think about Will Smith in your piddling mind. Go on. Try. What are you thinking? That he seems like an inoffensively nice bloke. The kind of chap you could take home to mama and everything would be AOK?
WRONG! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? THE MAN IS CLEARLY A MONSTER!
How so? Well, you may have seen recently, that the cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air go back together for a nice reunion. One person wasn’t there. That person is Janet Hubert and she wants you all to know the truth about Will Smith and what a massive jerk he is. Honest. He’s nearly as bad as Lucifer himself. No, it’s nothing to do with his pop-rap career which blossomed with a WIKKIWILDWILDWEST.
The trailer for the first part of Peter Jackson’s hugely-anticipated return to Middle Earth, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, has hit the internet shelves for everyone to get all excited over.
Unless, of course, you can’t stand all that hairy toed adventure from pipe-smoking midgets.
Naturally, the trailer itself is over the jump of this article. This means we’ll have some padding to do before then in an attempt to make you watch it on our site rather than somewhere else. This requires a paragraph to leave you ‘hanging’, willing you to click ‘read more’. Please read more. It’ll be worth it. We’ve noticed a link between The Hobbit and the terrible 80s He-Man film, The Masters Of The Universe.
Dark Knight Rises or Batman 3. What are you calling it? Well, judging by the newly released trailer, you could justifiably call it Occupy Gotham. It is fair to say that Bruce Wayne is part of the 1%.
Wisely, Christopher Nolan & Co have decided to tap into the most polite civil unrest yet and, mercifully, thrown some supervillains at it because we demand explosions and people getting punched in the throat.
And, regrettably for us snarks, the film looks like it might be really great. There’s a chance we’ll still give it a bad review though, just to be contrarians.
