Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Miley Cyrus has kicked off her Bangerz tour. You know, the one she was just bragging about being super deep and enlightening? The tour she insisted parents should be taking their children to because it’s full of art and progressive shit?
Well, surprise surprise. It was none of those things. Unless you consider showing off how to perform fellatio on your Commander in Chief or finding your g-spot important information to teach your 5th grader.
The Jonas brothers’?dad would probably have loved to have?tattooed his sons with the triple X straight edge symbol in order to promote their squeaky clean image even more, if tattoos weren’t so disapproved by Disney.?
And I am sure it would have been just as successful as having them wear those damn purity rings.? Since we all know what a colossal fail that farce was, it’s not completely shocking to hear that some hardcore drugs have made their way onto the lips and into the veins of the once A list Tween sensation.
Former chastity preaching family singing trio, The Jonas Brothers, have been struck by the Mouse curse that has befallen so many of their counterparts. ?Unlike Miley, Linsday, or Efron, their issue isn’t drugs, bat shit craziness, or foam fingers in the crotch, though.
According to their rep, there are “creative differences” causing some bad blood, which resulted in the band cancelling their upcoming tour. ?It must be really difficult to agree on the type of music to put out. ?Do they put out crappy pop, or crappy rock, or crappy show tunes (Kevin’s favorite, of course)?
Ladies and Gentlemen, you may well embark on feelings you didn’t know you could have in this article. Strange, uncomfortable feelings that will confuse and nauseate. Effectively, you might end up agreeing with the Westboro Baptist Church.
It seems that members of the WBC have taken it upon themselves to become music critics (as well as infamous critics of homosexuality).
The notorious bible bashers decided to?protest outside a Radiohead gig in Kansas yesterday and they let their mouths run for fun.
The human body is a fantastic thing isn't it? We are one of the most advanced beings on the Planet, the only mammal to perfect the art of speech, and in some cases like Katie Price and the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, almost perfecting the art of speech.
But sometimes terrible things happen don't they? Genocide, murder, xenophobia, all terrible, terrible things that have been performed by human hands. The human race can excel to monumental levels, or sink to disgusting depths. And it seems that sometimes people relish in doing things just to make people annoyed or upset.
Step forward designer peddler, Mulberry. Not content with pushing Alexa Chung further into our faces by naming one of their notoriously expensive bags after her, they're at it again, with one of the more bizarre pieces of music/fashion amalgamation. Can you guess which one hit wonder, which financially backed by her rich daddy star has been immortalized in cow hide and not a stitch of forethought? None other than Lana Del Rey of course.
Lana Del Rey is the latest hot-ticket in town, despite having a voice like a broken vacuum cleaner and all the charm of dishcloth. She’s topped the charts with her mawkish drip-hop and a narrative that is basically a culmination of every wet-farted Tumblr dashboard you’ll ever see.
Basically, it’s all pretend dangerous-sex, disaffection, hipstamatic sex, models with tattoos and old movie footage.
The boys pretend to fancy her so they can snare young women who actually fancy her, leaving us with the adolescent equivalent of the way thirtysomethings furiously fap over Christina Hendricks. ?However, Lana Del Duller Than Robert Pattinson has got a boyfriend, so you’ll have to put it away.
Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children.?
Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.
Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.
Lana Del Rey has had her whole adult life and creative outlets bankrolled by her insanely wealthy father and, at various points nearly gave it all up because she had to actually work a little to get anywhere. However, thickos on the internet came to the rescue and made her an overnight sensation!
Things were all going to (a carefully executed by a PR company) plan as she readied her new album! She was going to become a superstar! The golden goose had actually delivered!
The key cog would be a performance on Saturday Night Live! Lana would sing, everyone would swoon and rush out to buy her album, learn all the hackneyed lyrics and eagerly await the tour announcement. She opened her mouth to her largest audience yet and… oh dear… she ended up sounding like a cow in labour. The plan was ruined.
Remember when they hung Gary Glitter on Channel 4? That was nice wasn’t it? Alas, for you pitchfork wielders, it was a work of fiction and Glitter is actually alive and well and causing trouble on twitter.
Apparently, the twitter account (not yet verified, so invariably a hoax) says that the disgraced glamster will be making a comeback on the road in 2012. That’s if people don’t storm the building and tear him limb-from-limb.
They’d want to do that after he was convicted of possessing child pornography (sentenced to four months) and then, after release, arrested in Vietnam for committing obscene acts with children (three years in the clink). However, all that’s behind him now.
You may be sick of Rihanna releasing a new record every thirty seconds, but you ain’t got it so bad. Why? Well, Rihanna is sick. Properly sick. No. No sick of her releasing a record every 30 seconds. She’s actually sick-sick.
So what’s the deal then? Is she going to die?
Well, according to various reports, Rihanna has been put under 24-hour surveillance because those around her are so very, very worried about her health. Really worried. Worried she’s going to die eventually.
