Elvis Presley may have shaped the modern notion of what popular music is, but was he ever the cover star of a '100 Hottest Body Tips From The Stars' special issue of People magazine?

No he wasn't. But Mariah Carey is. Thus Mariah is better than Elvis Presley.

And Mariah Carey isn't just better than Elvis Presley at having a beach fit bikini body, either – Mariah Carey is also better at music and stuff as well. It's true – Mariah Carey has notched up her 18th American number one single, while rubbish old Elvis Presley only managed to get 17 before he snuffed it. Mariah is the new Elvis! Yay! That means we'll be able to dress up like her and ghoulishly traipse around her house when she dies! Yay!  

Elvis Presley has been dead for 30 years, but he still has a lot going for him – he's richer than any other dead person, plus he left behind an overweight daughter and mangle-faced wife. And how do we repay Elvis Presley for these two lovely – if slightly startling – gifts to the world? By wrestling everything he holds dear out of his fat dead hands and giving it to Mariah Carey, that's how.

Mariah Carey's new single Touch My Body – as well as possibly being a weird insurance scam – is number one in the Billboard Hot 100 chart. And, as you'd expect for the white-hot talent responsible for hits like Fantasy, That Other Song, The One About Touching Her Body, The High-Pitched One and The Song That Sounds Like The Song About Touching Her Body, number one records are nothing new for Mariah Carey at all.

In fact Touch My Body is Mariah Carey's 18th American number one, which is more American number ones than that useless turd Elvis Presley ever flipping got. BBC News reports:

"I'm just feeling really happy and grateful," the 38-year-old performer told the Associated Press.  "I really can never put myself in the category of people who have not only revolutionised music but also changed the world, that's a completely different era and time," she said."In terms of my ethnicity, always feeling like an outsider, always feeling different… for me it's about saying, 'Thank you Lord, for giving me the faith to believe in myself when other people had written me off."

Although congratulations are due to Mariah Carey for surpassing one of the most famous men who ever lived, she should remember that beating Elvis Presley at stuff is actually quite easy. This morning alone, for example, we beat Elvis Presley at arm-wresting, Guitar Hero and Pin The Tail On The Donkey. And, honestly, if he hadn't creeped us out so much during that staring contest we'd have creamed him at that too.

You see, while Mariah Carey has had more number one records than Elvis, she still needs three more number one records to beat all-time champions The Beatles. And you know what that means, don't you? It means that Mariah Carey isn't going to retire until she's released at least another three insipid, instantly forgettable R&B pop ballads. Joy.

Read more:

Mariah breaks Elvis chart record - BBC

Hey, can we get a whoop-whoop out there for Albert Einstein? What about you nerds in the back? A little Albie love? No?? Fine. We’ll just turn to the person we always turn to when we need some mad science props: Mariah Carey.  

You see, girlfriend’s got herself a new album coming out in April called E=MC2. Before you get too excited like we did, just know that there probably isn’t anything to do with Einstein’s Theory of Relativity on there.  

We took a little listen to the first single, Touch My Body, so we can tell you there’s probably nothing to do with anything on there.  

Okay, so maybe we haven’t had a record number of hit songs for a bunch of years in a row like Mariah Carey did, and maybe our legs aren’t insured for a billion dollars like Mariah Carey – the most we could get our legs insured for was about 50 bucks with a pop tart thrown in for the peg leg – but we still give ourselves full ridiculing rights when it comes to Mariah Carey.  

And so, we commence with a review of her just released single, Touch My Body. Of course it sucks. It’s not our style. We're not actually 13-year-old girls with little parental supervision smoking behind the school with our bare midriff muffin-topping over our Baby Phat brand jeans. It's left us wondering why we even bothered to listen in the first place. Oh, yeah. The whole ridiculing thing.   

We’ve kind of always carried the suspicion that Mariah Carey just wanted millions of crazed fans to rub their grimy, pervy hands all over her, but now she’s just come out and said it. And said it in a pretty studio canned way. See, the thing that was surprising about the song is the fact that Mariah Carey is a talented singer – we recognise the talent, loathe the presentation, alright? – and yet, her voice sounds like it’s received the Ashlee Simpson studio treatment where the voice is altered beyond recognition in an effort to be somewhat bearable to the listener. Maybe the production people are just doing that to all of the singers these days. Could we crank up that effect a notch with James Blunt, please? Thank you. 

Anyway, sometimes a song can be saved by the lyrics, sometimes by a catchy tune, and in this case, neither. Here’s a sampling of our favorite set of lyrics. They’re so moving and deep: 

If it's a camera up in here
Then its gonna leave with me when I do, I do
If it's a camera up in here
Then I best not catch this flick on youtube, youtube

Cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down
Cause they be all up in my business like a Wendy interview
But this private between you and I 

Okay, everybody got that? Mariah Carey’s just laid down the rules for lovin’ her. Tape it? Yes. YouTube? No. And then let’s go gets some Wendy’s afterwards.

And if you're feeling a bit masochistic, or pseudo-street, you can listen to Touch My Body here: 

Read more:

Mariah Carey Debuts New Single – People