The second is that there’s no Tori Spelling. We’d assumed that Tori Spelling was a shoo-in to appear on 90210, what with it being the show she’s most associated with and her being such a rubbish actor that she’d be grateful of the work and all. But it wasn’t to be.

Not until now, anyway – Tori Spelling is returning to 90210, which will be great news for the three people who watch 90210, are old enough to remember Tori Spelling and aren’t recovering lobotomy patients.

Like many people, when we heard that a new spin-off of hateful early-1990s teen drama Beverly Hills 90210 - a show about braying arseholes made by braying arseholes for braying arseholes – our first reaction was to fall to the floor clutching our temples in agony.

Once that went away, though, we assumed that 90210 would be the perfect excuse to re-employ some of the stars of the original series. They’ve all dropped off the radar in recent years and would probably work for scraps, plus it’d be a nice lineage to the show’s previous generation.

All the old gang wanted in – Shannon Doherty returned as Brenda Walsh for a few episodes, Jennie Garth returned as Kelly Taylor for a few episodes, Jason Priestley is apparently going to direct an upcoming episode, and who can forget Hillary Swank’s hilarious cameo as the disabled transsexual who chewed through her own tongue to quicken her own death? Happy days. But there was no Tori Spelling.

Sure, Tori Spelling had been approached to star in 90210, but that soon fell apart. Why? Well reports at the time seemed to suggest that Tori Spelling wanted more money than producers were willing to pay, but we think we know the truth – Tori Spelling really wanted to see if 90210 was going to be lousy enough for her standards.

You see, Tori Spelling doing anything good in her life would be a tremendous oversight. What if she agreed to be in 90210 and everyone loved it? That would have really overshadowed her voiceover work on one episode of Biker Mice From Mars and the made for TV movie Mother, May I Sleep With Danger, wouldn’t it?

Luckily, though, enough time has passed for Tori Spelling to see that fewer and fewer people are watching 90210 and that it was axed in Australia after a handful of episodes and that it’s utter dog-piddle from start to finish. So with that in mind, guess what? Tori’s back in! People reports:

Looks like Donna Martin will return to 90210 after all! Tori Spelling is in “final negotiations” to return to the world’s most famous zip code, a show rep confirms to PEOPLE. The actress, who was set to star in the CW’s spin-off when it was announced — but then had “no plans” to join the show for its fall debut — is close to finalizing a deal to be in multiple episodes.

OK, so maybe it’s not a completely done deal that Tori Spelling is returning to 90210, but we can guarantee that – even if she doesn’t – Donna Martin will definitely make an appearance. And when we say ‘Donna Martin’ we mean ‘a heat-warped Marilyn Monroe waxwork dummy’. It’s the same thing, really.

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Well, it would be if she actually did anything worthwhile ever, instead of just getting knocked up and kind of lingering around, like that person at a party you kind of know but don’t want to talk to but at the same time don’t want to ask to leave as that would be far too rude. Even though they’re standing there, people are staring and it’s killing the funtime vibe – you’re ruining the party, Tori Spelling. Get out.

Ahem.

It would seem that this is the exact attitude favoured by the execs behind the remake of Beverly Hills 90210 – imaginatively titled 90210 – who appear to have asked Tori to leave the TV party. Maybe it didn’t quite happen like that, but we’re trying to fit this in with quite a poorly-thought out and stretched analogy. Hush down.

Listen: Tori Spelling was on board for the new 90210, probably being all ‘like whoa’ and all deep and introspective (while being rich) when she was getting into character, but then she found out that her co-stars, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth, were being paid around $50,000 per episode, whereas poor old Tori was only getting about $20,000 for each exciting adventure.

Unsurprisingly, little Miss Spelling reacted quite badly to the news, demanded equal pay and was turned down. Unsurprisinglyier, Tori then backed out of the show, leaving 90210 again without Donna Martin - just as it was in the 90s when she ended her run on the show after numerous spats with the cast and crew. Old habits, and all that.

Fortunately, there is more than enough for Tori Spelling to fall back on – she has… hmm… this one’s a toughie… well, she has a kid to look after… and… hmm… nope – that’s about it, really. She could write another book, or sell more of her stuff or something, but she doesn’t really seem to have that much else going for her right now.

While she may have had a point in expecting wage equality with her guest appearances on the new 90210, hecklerspray didn’t really know what to think about it all. Then we were pointed in the direction of one of those ‘quote’ things where someone said some words about it, and it told us what to think. The source told Deadline Hollywood Daily:

“She thought she deserved parity, and she’s got a point.”

Which is the kind of statement you don’t really want to argue with – straightforward, no fluff, gets the point across: some textbook quoteage. Well done that ’source’.

Alas – even with the crippling loss of Tori Spelling, it looks as if the producers intend to actually go ahead with 90210. How they could dare we do not know, but the premiere of the show is set to air on September 2nd. We will be watching, probably crying and definitely laughing at how bad it’s sure to be.

Not that we’re negative or anything.

But this has to be the worst case of copycat behaviour we’ve ever seen.

Tori Spelling, of Beverly Hills 90210 and… errm… some shit reality TV show fame, has gone and got herself one of those baby things in what experts are calling ‘clearly a rip off of Jessica Alba‘. The brazen attempt to hoard some publicity is sure to backfire as members of the public lash out at Tori and her derivative behaviour.

“Get some originality!” they may cry, “everyone’s having kids now! You’re copying lovely Jessica!”

But Spelling, with her many years in the limelight – or, more accurately half-in, half-out of the limelight – knows exactly how to react to her ‘your baby is a cynical ploy’ critics. She used the power of words:

“I’ve always wanted a little girl since I’m such a girly girly.”

But the wily veteran knows this wouldn’t be enough to shut the fools up, so she went on when talking to People Magazine:

“I immediately started crying. I couldn’t believe it. I have my beautiful little boy and now I’ll have my little girl! It’s amazing.”

Tori knows full well that an outpouring of emotion is something that even the harshest of critics will falter at – the sheer joy surrounding the birthing of a new life into this world is one that only utter bastards could be scornful of. Like hecklerspray, for example.

But such a blatant rip-off of another celeb’s actions has managed to reap dividends for the washed-up ’star’, who is set to star in the re-imagining of 90210. Or reinvention. Or whatever bullshit buzz word they want to use to make it sound as if it’s a good thing that no one in any realm of television or the movies seems to have an ounce of genuine creativity about them.

But at least Tori didn’t completely copy Jessica and saddle her child with a future psychological problem (commonly referred to as ‘a stupid name’), calling her a living cry for attention Stella Doreen. Granted, Doreen is stupid, but Stella is fine. Probably as it makes us think of beer.