Well, hecklerspray has decided to rustle up the top 10 worst offenders into a handy, easy-to-carry-home format. Now, be warned, this list will definitely contain plot spoilers. Look, it would be impossible to talk about a film's ending and how bad it is without revealing what actually happened. But that doesn't mean we're the sort of people who enjoy spoiling endings.

Notoriously, some git once decided to spoil the ending of the The Usual Suspects for thousands of Londoners by drawing a big arrow on the identity parade poster for the film pointing at Kevin Spacey's head. Shit, now we've just done it. Also, apparently, the Portuguese translation for the horror classic Psycho was 'The Story Of The Man Who Killed His Mother'. D'oh! Done it again.

See, when we do it, it's by accident. we find ourselves constantly revealing the fact that Bruce Willis is a ghost in The Sixth Sense. Bollocks!

Look, here's the list…

10. King Kong (2005)
OK, we already knew what the ending was going to be, but it's the terrible Jack Black line at the end about 'beauty killing the beast' – or something like that – that just stinks. Come to think it, there's only one bit of the film that's really worth watching anyway. Plus it take about five hours for them to get to the sodding island. Rubbish!

9. The Breakfast Club (1985)
Everyone gets together, apart from the geek, who writes the report for all of them. Geeks everywhere weep.

8. The Village (2004)
The problem with M. Night Shyamalan now is that everyone expects a good twist at the end after the success of The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable. And when it is coming a mile away, it makes you wonder why you bothered in the first place.

7. Dead Man's Shoes (2004)
Dodgy plot twist did some damage but the real disappointment was it actually finished at all. Shane, please make a sequel!

6. Titanic (1997)
Bloody history teacher spoiled this for us.

5. No Country For Old Men (2007)
We really enjoyed this film until suddenly it ended. Did they run out of money or something? It's like when you used to write an essay for school, get halfway through it and then realise there is a good film on TV so you rush the end. What was on that was so good? Not bloody No Country For Old Men that's for sure.

4. War of the Worlds (2005)
Not so much for the fact that the aliens all catch colds and die within about three or four seconds of each other; more that, by chance, Tom Cruise stumbles across the one house left in America that hasn't been turned to rubble – and his entire family are in it, all spotless and happy. Terrible ending – a much better alternative would have been to get Tom Cruise stomped to death by a giant metal alien foot. In slow motion. For two hours. In real life.

3. Sunshine (2007)
A man comes out of nowhere and chases everyone around. It was like, 'shit, we've realised this is really boring, the sun isn't that interesting, so let's get a nutter on board'. No, it was just fine as it was and you fucking ruined it. Left us with sunstroke.

2. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)
Why not pick just one ending and go with that? For fuck's sake! So Sam and his hobbit bar wench have kids. Big deal. Meanwhile, we've all put our coats on in the cinema and we're praying that the credits come soon so we can have that slash we've been holding in for the last four hours.

1. Return of the Jedi (1983)
Even to this day we get angry about this. Okay, Return of the Jedi was the worst of the first three films (we don't even want to think about the next three). But it has some good moments. There's Princess Leia in a gold bikini, Jabba, and the bit where Boba Fett gets eaten by a giant anus. But the bloody Ewoks! What were they thinking? Actually, we know exactly what they were thinking. Money! What better way to sell merchandise to little girls than to come up with teddy bears? To make it worse they do a little dance at the end.

Whether it's pointless shot-by-shot rehashes of Psycho or awful renditions of classic British films such as Get Carter and the Italian Job, it seems nothing is immune to Tinseltown's obsession with recycling. When was the last time producers in Hollywood had an original idea?

Well, hecklerspray has decided to help the ailing American movie monolith by coming up with 10 films they should remake. It hasn't been easy. A lot of films on the list we love. But we are a giving site and have decided to stick our heads on the block. So why do it? Well, like we said, most of the films listed are films we love. But maybe it's time we updated them. That could be for a variety of reasons. Some films started as great ideas but just ended up as a pile of shit, while others have dated badly and could be improved upon by the latest special effects techniques. There are also movies that could simply do with a bath and clean clothing.

Oh, there is one proviso. George Lucas cannot get his hands on any of them. Here goes:

10. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Ok, a controversial choice. Everyone loves this movie. But it is a rites of passage film and for it to succeed with later generations it needs a new set of clothes and a new MP3 collection. Oh, and while you are at it, could you make sure the two girls in it are more attractive than Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy.

9. Ghostbusters (1984)

We know, another controversial choice, but we watched it the other day and the special effects looked really ropey. Of course, when we watched in our youth we thought they were cutting edge. But then again we also thought the Commodore 64 was state-of-the-art technology and Elite was the greatest game ever made. Times change. It's like when you watch those who old dinosaur films from the 50s and 60s and Raquel Welch is being attacked by lizards magnified several times to look big. Ghostbusters is starting to look like that. Just make sure Bill Murray's in it.

8. Jason and the Argonauts (1963)

This is a great movie. But just think what they could do with it now. We would put Peter Jackson at the helm, but only if he agreed to a limit of 1 hour 45 minutes in which to cram it in.

7. Battle Royale (2000)

We're astonished that there hasn't already been an American remake of this hugely popular Japanese cult classic about kids kicking the crap out of each other on an island. Just think of the carnage.

UPDATE: Apparently there was a remake of this, but we rule that it doesn’t count because it had a different name and Vinnie Jones was in it. Nothing starring Vinnie Jones counts.

6. Weird Science (1985)

We mentioned this in the pub the other day and not one person raised any objection. It's a great film and has not particularly dated. The real fascination is over who would play Kelly LeBrock's part. The crap TV series in the 90s does not count.

5. Outlaw (2007)

This much-derided British film about a bunch of ordinary citizens that decide to take the law into their own hands could have been so good – but it really wasn't. Keep the same premise, but give it a much better script and it's a
sure-fire winner.

4. Risky Business (1983)

We love this film, but we just hate the fact that it has Tom Cruise in it.

3. Waterloo (1970)

This is a fabulous film about the last days of Napoleon's reign, but the battle scenes could do with a bit of spicing up. Just as long as whoever does it sticks to the facts. No, the Americans were not there!

2. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956, 1978)

OK, so it's been remade twice already, but both are superb films. Plus, the political undercurrents in the film make it a must to be updated for each generation.

1. The Star Wars prequels (1999-2005)

We know what you are thinking, not again! But remember how excited you were when George Lucas announced he was going to make them. Admit it. You were like a giddy schoolgirl. You didn't know of the horrors there were to unfold: the crap dialogue, the pointless plotlines… Jar Jar bloody Binks. You couldn't wait to see it. Well, imagine if they actually did make it again, but with George Lucas as only a producer, and somebody else directing it, and another person writing the dialogue. Wouldn't it be nice? They could keep Natalie Portman and the kung-fu kicking Yoda and just start again.

So let us present to you the top 10 worst singer celluloid performances by musicians who frankly knew they really stunk as actors but signed up for the goddamn movie anyway…

1. Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard (1992)

There's no denying her status as an R&B diva, but when you take away her singing voice what are you left with? Well a temperamental rich diva playing a temperamental rich bitch diva, who continuously mounts pussy fits and gives a largely soap operatic performance that is more in tune with an overblown episode of Dynasty than a glossy thriller, (then again it was the early 90s). With absolutely no spark ignited between her and her equally wooden co-star Kevin Costner (who should have known better) this 'romantic thriller' falls flat no matter how high Houston can belt out a note.

2. Tom Jones in Mars Attacks! (1996)

Blurting out It's Not Unusual comes naturally to the Welsh singing sensation, but unfortunately acting doesn’t! In Mars Attacks! – Tim Burton’s preposterous parody of 1950s sci-fi B-movies – Mr Jones is required to perform his signature tune and then act all concerned when he, and the entire population are under attack by a sudden slew of intangible aliens from outerspace. The result is… well frightening!

3. Madonna in Die Another Day (2002)

To be honest Madge is pretty awful in almost every movie role she chooses (Evita was a musical performance above anything else), but Die Another Day bears special mention for both her equally dogawful contribution to the title score, and hopelessly flimsy cameo appearance as a lesbian fencing instructor who jabs "I don't like cockfights". Well, as Bond once said in Live and Let Die, "There's no sense going out half-cocked" is there Madge?

4. Phil Collins in Hook (1991)

In Buster the Genesis front man gave a fine, witty performance, but his bit-part performance as Detective Good in Steven Spielberg’s disastrous fairytale flop was… well, not good at all. In fact it's a largely pointless embarrassment, rather like the film itself.

5. Diana Ross in The Wiz (1978)

The former Supreme was revealed as an acting calamity when she put in a truly preposterous turn as Dorothy in Sidney Lumet's musical take on The Wizard of Oz. By all accounts her hammy 'acting' is so out of sync with the story that you wonder whether she was caught up in her own dizzy chain-reaction?

6. Wayne Newton in License to Kill (1989)

A truly cringeworthy turn for the American singer and Las Vegas entertainer. Newton stars as  manipulative faith-healer Professor Joe Butcher in what amounts to a largely forgettable turn as an odious Bond henchman, who irritatingly hisses "Bless your heart!" at regular intervals.

7. David Bowie in The Prestige (2006)

Under normal circumstances Bowie is usually a show-stealing presence in the movie limelight, installing an appropriately surreal and supernatural charge into his characters (see Labyrinth, The Hunger and The Man Who Fell to Earth). But in Christopher Nolan's brilliant mystery thriller The Prestige his performance is destroyed by his decision to adopt a goofy voice, making him sound more like a dreaded Frank Spencer impersonator then a powerful enigmatic wizard.

8. Bob Dylan in Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (1973)

While he contributed a suitable rich, nostalgic and atmospheric score for Sam Peckinpah's seminal western, Bob Dylan also put in a largely thankless role as the constantly mumbling gunslinger Alias. It's an unfortunate pitfall amongst the beautifully sun-drenched aesthetics, but we're  thankful for the music.

9. Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

OK so the material for this detestable horror sequel is dog shite at best, but it isn't helped by Mr Rhymes's cockamamie presence as a kung-fu kicking victim. His performance is so incredibly awful that his iconic status in the American hip-hop scene should have been subsequently tarnished. It certainly Ain't Safe No More!

10. Britney Spears in Crossroads (2002)

Judging from her feeble appearance at the London premiere in Leicester Square, Britney blatantly didn't have much faith riding on her acting debut. And appropriately her pitiful turn in this teen road movie was so critically panned it garnered her a Razzie Award for Worst Actress. Threatening to hit us one more time with another comeback movie role pegged Memoirs of a Medicated Child will inevitable make it clear that she should have stuck to the Mickey Mouse Club.

[story by Oliver Pfeiffer]