What’s nice about America’s Next Top Model is that it takes a young girl who really isn’t good at anything at all, and somehow turns that into a positive.

Throughout a typical season several competing girls learn to take their overall dearth of life-skills and fling them at the camera like a monkey flings fecal matter that’s been picked clean of all its nutritional value. It’s an ode to humanity if you think about it; girls come from nothing, Tyra intervenes, girls receive the potential to make loads of money all over the place by blankly staring into the business end of George Eastman‘s big glass eye.

But what happens if a would-be contestant just has too many penises? Would his bulgy bikini shots be a life-long demerit.  Not if Tyra has anything to say about it. Which she does, especially in this case – she’s paying to have one of the show’s contestants get their man-hammer cut off with knives.

Seriously. Sounds like a ratings winner.

The thing about gender is it’s very fickle. Why, in New Guinea there’s an entire tribe of people whose gender for the day is decided by whatever melon they choose to eat for breakfast. It’s potent stuff. Has something to do with seed count. Science can’t explain it, and so we don’t feel obligated to either.

The point being when someone is born into this world it’s never with a specific masculine or feminine destiny in mind. The human race was not meant to be dictated by the little stick figures that grace most public bathroom doors. Just ask Stu.

Think about it – why else would the male penis be so easily detachable. The only thing really separating man from becoming a more genderless woman is getting caught naked in a strong gust of wind too near a pile of loose shingles.

Is that vague?

Tyra Banks understands this all too well. That’s why she’s taking the opportunity to help the first gender-bending contestant on America’s Next Top Model get a free sex change. As Hollyscoop puts it:

“Isis [the transgender contestant from ...Top Model] appeared on Tyra to talk about her struggles with her situation, and that she tried not to let it affect her time on Top Model.

“Tyra Banks then introduces Isis to Dr. Marci Bowers, a leading gender reassignment surgeon who has experienced the surgery herself. Isis hasn’t been able to pay for the pricy surgery, which is why Dr. Bowers offers to pay for it herself. Pretty nice of her, huh?”

Well, hecklerspray just hopes Isis understands this surgery could have heavy-handed consequences when it comes to his/her right to vote in several countries around the world.

Also it’ll probably reduce his/her lawn mowing ability. These are the kind of things pre-op transgenders just don’t ever really think about.

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Sometimes, in nature, females of any species have to fight to achieve their instinctive goals. Sometimes those goals include protecting newborns from the slobbery jaws of a vicious predator, and sometimes they include trying to change the channel away from Oprah in a posh mid-Manhattan nail salon.

Thousands of women are killed every year from the latter offense. These battles are often epic, lasting for days on end  – victory only being claimed when one contender drops to the ground dead, possibly with large chunks of hair missing, and Lee Press-Ons lodged in different parts of their face & shoulders.

So it was, recently, in some island airport when two sub-D-list female celebrities crossed paths. In one corner it was Nikki Blonsky, the lead from the movie Hairspray. In the other corner it was Bianca Golden, an America’s Next Top Model cast-off. They actually fought – physically. Hate raged as their blood and spit intertwined mid-air, possibly pushed to and fro by a mediocre ventilation system. Also hate raged as the Top Model girl had her foot bitten by a human being. Hate also raged as somebody’s father beat somebody else’s mother to the point of hospitalization.

That’s all that hate raged though. We wouldn’t want to exagerate – and we haven’t.

Yet.

Picture it if you will – you were a contestant on America’s Next Top Model, you’re in an island-vacation airport somewhere, and you just want to sit down. You see a seat available, but the hefty lead from the Hairspray movie has her suitcase on it. What do you do?

You fight, apparently. And that’s just what happened. According to Monsters & Critics:

“Nikki Blonsky from the recent film, “Hairspray” and her father were arrested at Providenciales International Airport in Turks and Caicos. They were reportedly involved in a fight with Bianca Golden from America’s Next Top Model. UsWeekly.com reports that the Blonsky family had their luggage on the seat and refused to move it. The fight allegedly also started because Nikki’s family was also saving five seats and Bianca’s family wanted them. TMZ reported that one of Bianca’s family members bit Nikki’s foot.”

Bit a foot? Well you don’t get that big from abstaining, you know what we mean, gang? The fight involved far more than the two women who are questionably famous. Their parents got way into it too – to the point where Nikki’s dad gave Bianca’s mom enough injuries to send her to a Miami hospital. He’s still in jail, incidentally.

This reminds us greatly of hecklerspray’s last family vacation wherein our dad got head-konked by a coconut, lost consciousness for two minutes, then swam up a whale’s lady-parts to help it give birth. We took baby whale home but the 65 mph winds it experienced while strapped to our roof rack for the ten hour drive dried it up dead.

Our one sister still brings it up at least monthly. Possibly because for the last three hours she was strapped up there with it.