Civil servants should be very, very worried. Your time is up. You’re about to be killed. Hunted like mongrels and executed before your weeping families. It sounds fanciful, but it is definitely, definitely going to happen.

That’s because the good people of Britain are unable to form opinions of their own, instead, they wait for celebrities to say things so they can be followed out to the letter.

Y’see, supreme leader of men, Jeremy Clarkson has called for all public sector workers to be shot dead in front of their families. He made an impassioned plea via popular chatshow, The One Show.

During his interview, Clarkson was asked what he would do with strikers, he replied:

“I would have them all shot”.

“I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families… I mean how dare they go on strike when they have these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed, while the rest of us have to work for a living.”

With that, twitter exploded in a flurry of activity. Within minutes of his comments, 46 civil servants in Lincolnshire had been rounded up in a public square and culled. The families of the executed were devastated but said to be understanding of the action.

One recent widow cried:

“I loved my wife. I really, really loved her… but Jeremy spoken, and well, we know that everything he says is incredibly grave and serious. We would’ve liked the opportunity to fight our corner, but when Clarkson speaks, there’s no stopping what follows.”

A 20-year-old lady who watched her father being shot through the face by Clarksonites, noted:

“I’m obviously saddened by this, but in time, I’ll remember that everything Jeremy Clarkson says is considered, thought-out infinitely and deadly, deadly serious.”

The cull is set to continue today. All public sector buildings are advised to keep a look-out for marauding individuals wearing double denim and chanting the riff from ‘Black Night’ over and over. This is just like the time Clarkson made all the lorry drivers of the world go on a killing spree of prostitutes.

Stay vigilant folks.

Presenter, pertrolhead, slipper wearer, tall chap and all round good egg James May has been hospitalised after a severe head injury while filming for Top Gear’s Christmas Special.

The floppy haired one took a tumble while filming Top Gear’s attempt to drive from Baghdad to Bethlehem, presumably an exploding caravan was involved, or an expensive supercar, or something phenomenally fast.  Or maybe just a bit of rope.

Yes, we’ve checked. It was a bit of rope.

The flowery shirted gent was rushed to hospital, given a brain scan, put on a drip and given stitches because he tripped over a rope.

No, wait, we’ve checked that too.  The rope attacked him, and had an accomplice rock.  Captain Slow was involved in some kind of towing manoeuver, attempting to free a car only to find himself becoming a human projectile;

“I stood in the line of where the tow rope went taut. I told the driver to move off and became part of a giant catapult.”

There are pictures out there of this wipeout.  But they do look as though May is pulling a truck up a hill using nothing but a very long foreskin. On Mars. Which would just be silly.

Of course, this isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened to a Top Gear presenter. Injuries, not using genitals to hoist vehicles on other planets, that is.

Remember Richard Hammond’s spectacular, skull busting crash in a 300mph jet car? You do? Good, because he doesn’t.  His brain fell out.

We’re not even going to bother checking that.  The point it May’s injuries were tiny in comparison.  Hammond’s injuries were devastating.  May’s were, well, less impressive;

“There was a lot of blood. It was all very worrying.”

But he still went to hospital, just to be safe.  And make sure his brain hadn’t fallen out;

“They gave me a brain scan, but to be honest I think the Syrians were just excited to be able to use their new scanner.”

May was jolly brave about it all and even had enough manners left to not cause a scene, after all his chums have had worse.  Hey what;

“I don’t want to pretend I had an accident as bad as Hammond. He bashed his head on the whole of Yorkshire. I just hit mine on a stone.”

So there you have it.  If you are a moderately famous Englishman with a taste for hideous shirts, constant references to “giving Jerry a good licking” and silly hair; go to Baghdad.  Apparently it’s perfectly safe as long as you don’t go near ropes.

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This week hasn’t proved too kindly for females has it? To hecklerspray, all women are wonderful creations that make our lives better on a daily basis. Even though you need an instruction manual the thickness of a washing machine to work out how they work. Unless you’re a gay man it seems.

Some of the fascinating facts about women will never be discovered. But we won’t make fun of Stephen Fry. We don’t want him to cry and threaten to leave Twitter.

Now men have come in for a ticking off. Not off a lesbian like Claire Balding, but a shaggy haired motoring bloke, James May. You know, the fourth most popular presenter after Clarkson, the one that does the terrible Morrison’s adverts and the recently ousted Stig.

May won’t be winning any fans as he’s claimed that all modern men are morons. Further still, you might bore women senseless, only interacting with them until they beg for your sperm juice.

This is turning in to some sort of sexual conundrum that no-one seems capable of solving. Not even the replacement for Carol Vorderman on Countdown could work this one out. We’ll start the beginning, cast your mind back to what knowledge guru Stephen Fry allegedly said:

“I feel sorry for straight men. The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want.”

“Of course, a lot of women will deny this and say, ‘Oh no, but I love sex, I love it!’ But do they go around having it the way that gay men do?”

Okay, so women only want sex if it’s in a relationship. Great, we’ll throw that in to our calculator, totally forgetting one night stands, flings and situations of cheating whilst in a marriage/relationship. But James May has oddly decided to have a go at the modern bloke and wade in to the argument that men nowadays don’t know their arse from their elbow.

The Daily Mail report May saying:

“I keep reading that women are better at school and now better at parking, better at navigating. And we are sort of laughing at it going, “Ho ho ho, I’m just a bloke”

Reading between the lines as best we can, he wants to stop this culture of boys not being bothered about underperforming and waiting till they grow up to learn key life skills. That’s all well and good, but randomly a huge line is crossed as May switches from innocent education issues to the murky world of sex.

The Daily Mail again quote May as saying:

“In my lifetime men will only be required to keep sperm at operating temperature and they will have no other functions. If men do not return to their more masculine roles, women will soon no longer have a use for them except as sperm donors.”

But hold on a second! We thought women didn’t want sex unless they were in a relationship?! Surely if a rubbish bloke can’t impress with skills like capturing a spider in a cup or opening a jar of pickles we’re all doomed!

No-one will want to get down and dirty, therefore the animal kingdom seems likely to rise up and knock us off our position as top species.

What we need is a sex off between Stephen Fry, James May and a group of women to see who is right once and for all.

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You know Thingummy Chops? That fella who could drive cars really fast? Him who was The Stig for a few years? Yeah. Him. He’s called Ben SomethingOrOther. No. We don’t care either. Well, Mr Whatsit is moaning and complaining about the BBC and the people at Top Gear because they paid him to drive a car and asked him not to ruin the secret of Christmas.

The Man Who Played The Stig, who will now be referred to as ‘The Man Who Played The Stig’ is being a whiny bitch because the Top Gear folks are being nasty to him. Rather amusingly, they’ve likened The Man Who Played The Stig to a Dalek and a Blue Peter dog.

You would’ve thought that, after all these years, he would’ve learned that the Top Gear team aren’t known for being overly sensitive about… well… anyone on Earth.

In his first (and quite possibly last) interview since the BBC failed to block his memoir, That Stig Bloke has accused the BBC of hypocrisy because they first revealed his identity.

The driver told the Sun today that the BBC was took him for granted:

“People seemed to have got used to me doing a stunt or slide brilliantly. If you do it right they look easy, but they’re not. Yet Andy [Wilman, Top Gear executive producer] has since said I was the same as a Dalek or the Blue Peter dog. With respect to the Dalek operators, I don’t think it’s quite the same thing and I thought I could leave with more respect than that.”

In all due respect, there’s probably a good number of former racing-drivers out there with loads of time on their hands who would kill to be paid to appear on one of television’s biggest shows and do a slide, brilliantly. No?

He continued, melodramatically:

“It is a travesty that a state-funded broadcaster gagged my free speech. It was hypocritical to suggest I’d done any more to reveal myself than they had.”

Here, he’s referring to the fact that the Radio Times (part of BBC Worldwide) speculated about the Stig’s identity and his name was one of the published possibilities.

“I was astonished. I was being outed by the very people I worked for. Yet I knew nothing about it. It caused a huge question over whether I was viable any more.”

“It was becoming clear that it was either jump or be pushed. Last Christmas I began writing my book.”

Sounds like someone needs to call a Waaaaahmbulance for The Fella Who Drove Cars In Disguise On Top Gear For A Bit. Seriously, he needs to man up. If you hang around with pricks like Top Gear, they’re going to treat you like a prick when you ruffle their feathers.

Anyway, the BBC have made a statement which says:

“Today’s interview appears in a newspaper that is owned by the same company that is publishing Ben’s book. It seems to have been designed simply to attempt to generate further sales.

“The BBC categorically refutes any accusations of bullying. Once Ben informed the BBC of his intentions, he was reminded of his confidentiality obligations and it was made clear to him that if he went ahead with the book, he would not be able to remain in his role.”

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We’ve been playing it coy and cool for the last few weeks because we’ve been sitting on a story so big that we assumed it must be a massive, outrageous lie. We still can’t quite believe what we’re about to announce.

The crux of the matter is that we’ve known the person behind the helmet of Top Gear’s new Stig. The BBC have threatened us with legal action should we reveal the identity of the new driver, but as Ben Whateverhemightbecalled proved, the BBC cannot suppress this information.

Of course, like Santa Claus or Jesus Christ Our Lord, it’s more fun to believe in the myth rather than find out the boring truth. As such, we’ll give no information until you get over the jump. If you want to find out who the new Stig is, please read more.

The announcing of a new Stig is timed with the departure of a infamous media node within these very walls and we can exclusively reveal that the new ‘mystery driver’ on the show will be our soon to depart editor, Stuart Heritage.

As you can see from this leaked mobile phone photo, the moment when Heritage met Richard Hammond for the first time is captured for all to see.

Stuart will be departing Hecklerspray at the end of the week, with the customary parting gift of a P45 and a £10 voucher for the now defunct Andy’s Records.

We wish him all the best in his new role and we hope that this revelation will not see him fired from Top Gear like that last guy who got fired.

Stuart said:

“I’ve loved writing for Hecklerspray all these years. Five, long, gruelling, miserable years. I really have. Remember that story about Alan Davies biting a tramp? Salad days bruv. Salad days. However, when the Beeb came knocking on the door, having seen my punditry work on Sky News, they told me I was the perfect stature to sit in a car and drive it at death-inducing speeds. How could I say no?”

He added:

“The said that my face was perfect for the role of The Stig and they couldn’t wait to stick a racing helmet on my head. They were so eager and excited that until I placed the infamous mask on, the producers of the show spent their time pointing at my head whilst dry-heaving.”

Let us just hope that the producers of the programme don’t discover that Stuart is currently only in possession of a provisional driving license which already has three points on it after he careless mowed down a cyclist by the name of Mr. B. Johnson.

Here’s a clip of our Stu’s first car test, due to be shown on the first episode of the new Top Gear series, due in the autumn of 2011.

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People were up in arms about The Stig’s unmasking being considered newsworthy. So, of course, this article is dedicated to those people in an attempt to wind them up to the point where they grind their teeth into dust.

Of course, you’ll be more than aware of the fact that Some Bloke told the world that he was The Stig. If you really want to know his name before you forget it for the rest of your life, he’s called Ben. Ben Collins. He can drive cars really fast.

Or at least he used to because Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has revealed he’s been handed his P45 after his little court battle with the BBC.

Thanks to all this, the world will spin the wrong way on its axis as Clarkson announced that the show’s format will change after The Stig outed himself. Imagine that. A TV show doing things slightly differently than it once did. Trying to process that notion is making us collectively feel like we’re coming down off bad drugs.

Clarkson said:

“He is history as far as we are concerned, he is sacked.”

“It was a shock. I was hurt, actually, because I liked him and he came around to my house and had drinks and all the time he was writing a book, so I feel a bit hurt.”

So what’s next? Well, apart from Ben Whatshisface wondering whether his book was worth it and whether he should’ve given up such a well-paid and prestigious job, Clarkson said that Top Gear won’t be short of options.

“We’ve many, many thousands of people queuing up to be whatever it is that we create.”

“I have spent the last three weeks doing nothing but trying to figure out what we will do instead. We will get somebody. Top Gear is damaged but not out.”

So there you have it. Earth shattering stuff. Jeremy Clarkson feels hurt and Ben Thingy will now sit at home, alone, dressed in a boiler suit with a pan on his head, making the sound of shrieking tyres and shouting the word ‘Gambon’ over and over until he finally ends his life with a hose attached to the exhaust of his Toyota Prius.

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You’ve got to hand it to us Brits haven’t you? We certainly know where our preferences lie and what key issues are the most important in determining the outcome of our lives.

Or whatever makes the trending topics on Twitter. Forget the plight of some Chilean miners stuck down a hole or the flooding in Pakistan.

WE KNOW WHO THE STIG IS, SO WE CAN CROWD AROUND HIM IN SHOPPING CENTRES AND ASK WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DRIVE FAST CARS WHICH GO BRUMMMMMMMMMM BRUMMMMMMMMMM.

The Stig, who’s that then? Petrolheads everywhere bow down to the fourth member of BBC’s Top Gear, as he was the once anonymous character paid to drive cars round a track to unfunny narration from Jeremy Clarkson. Supposedly, the secret of The Stig’s identity was never meant to be revealed, but a court injunction from the High Court has allowed an autobiography to be published by a bloke who drives cars in a mask.

The formula for Top Gear is very basic. It’s presented by ringleader Jeremy Clarkson, with help from James May and Richard Hammond, collectively known as the three musketeers of the mid-life crisis. Each spouting overgrown hair and wearing ill-fitting clothes, the trio shout and emphasise each word as they entice the studio audience into watching the same rehashed footage of cars zooming round a track, cars being slagged off, cars being praised, cars being blown up and cars being priced so highly you’d wish you’d starting saving for one whilst you were in the womb.

So just who is The Stig? Well take a deep breath – he is apparently racing driver Ben Collins. No, us neither. We have no idea who he is and won’t be searching Wikipedia for his tampered biography page. Exciting stuff or what? The Telegraph reports:

“The High Court has refused to ban a book which reveals that Top Gear’s The Stig is racing driver Ben Collins. After more than a day of legal argument in private, Mr Justice Morgan said he would not grant the BBC a temporary injunction blocking publication of Mr Collins’s autobiography.”

But before you start to create an effigy of Ben Collins, it seems that if you used basic detective skills, then the identity of The Stig wasn’t quite as top secret as the secret recipe used by Colonel Sanders in his greasy chicken. Reporting further, The Telegraph says:

“It was widely reported that The Stig was Mr Collins after his company’s financial reports listed Top Gear among its work.”

How will the producers of Top Gear react? Will they bloke up The Stig and nickname him The Stag? Thus widening the appeal to the shows alpha male audience? Or will the simply hire someone else and threaten to attach his testicles to a car battery if identities of future Stigs are breached?

Probably the latter if Jeremy Clarkson gets his way.

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Ups and downs.

Folded:

• Nicolas Cage’s best work in ten years (and it’s short)
• Twenty five minutes on Chatroulette (there will be penises)
• The ending of Red Dead Redemption (sorry for the OMG, but O…M…G)
• Lindsay Lohan’s abusive nail wear (got to hand it to the girl, she does down bitching)
• Charlie Brooker explains why you’re a pleb (if you own an iPhone that is)

Creased:

• The Sun’s coverage of the Raoul Moat story (responsible as always)
• Murray misery (it doesn’t matter that we expected nothing, it still stings like a big fat bee caught on your testes)
• Top Gear mini-movies (If just one second of them wasn’t faked that would be nice)
• Scratchcards (when was the last time anyone won more than a £1 on these? Second thoughts, who still buys them? Idiots)
• Early Inception reviews (don’t read them; you’ll be just too hyped. There’s even one that mentions the word ‘miracle’.

Now, here at Hecklerspray sometimes even we have to hold our hands up and give begrudging praise where it is due.

So it is with a heavy heart that even we have to concede that Top Gear is a fantastic TV show. It’s so good even people who aren’t particularly interested in cars like it. For God’s sake, even our mums like it. It’s that good.

In fact, it’s so good, it can even afford to have that annoying, smug, pubic-haired twit Jeremy Clarkson in it – and still be good. It’s that good.

But don’t just take our word for it. Take a look at the show’s best moments and judge for yourselves. And if you have some suggestions of you own, please let us know.

14. Beating the Germans

OK, but beating the Germans should always be enjoyed.

13. Killing a Toyota pick-up

Toyota – the Rasputin of pick-up trucks.

12. Car darts

Darts with cars – brilliant.

11. Crossing The Channel

The only way to cross The Channel.

10. The Ariel Atom

Clarkson becomes even more grotesque than normal.

9. Bugatti Veyron v Eurofighter Typhoon

A car racing a plane? Doesn’t seem like a fair challenge.

8. Football, with cars!

Cars and football – genius!!

7. Richard Hammond’s return

It’s an emotional return for The Hamster after he almost died in a high speed crash. Hankies out.

6. The Top Gear Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics was never this interesting.

5. The car v the tank

We’d all like to shoot Jeremy Clarkson with a tank.

4. The Arctic adventure

Richard Hammond by sled, Jeremy Clarkson and James May by car. Who will win the race to the North Pole? Are we the only people who wished Jeremy Clarkson had frozen to death?

3. The Reliant Robin space shuttle

A Reliant Robin suddenly becomes interesting.

2. Turning a car into a boat

Turning cars into boats! Water a great idea!! Get it?

1. The American road trip

Welcome to the United States. Welcome to TV gold! For the full episode, click below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOyDLUzAAOY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2syY12OPkwI

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