Civil servants should be very, very worried. Your time is up. You’re about to be killed. Hunted like mongrels and executed before your weeping families. It sounds fanciful, but it is definitely, definitely going to happen.
That’s because the good people of Britain are unable to form opinions of their own, instead, they wait for celebrities to say things so they can be followed out to the letter.
Y’see, supreme leader of men, Jeremy Clarkson has called for all public sector workers to be shot dead in front of their families. He made an impassioned plea via popular chatshow, The One Show.
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Presenter, pertrolhead, slipper wearer, tall chap and all round good egg James May has been hospitalised after a severe head injury while filming for Top Gear’s Christmas Special.
The floppy haired one took a tumble while filming Top Gear’s attempt to drive from Baghdad to Bethlehem, presumably an exploding caravan was involved, or an expensive supercar, or something phenomenally fast. Or maybe just a bit of rope.
Yes, we’ve checked. It was a bit of rope. Read More >>>
This week hasn’t proved too kindly for females has it? To hecklerspray, all women are wonderful creations that make our lives better on a daily basis. Even though you need an instruction manual the thickness of a washing machine to work out how they work. Unless you’re a gay man it seems.
Some of the fascinating facts about women will never be discovered. But we won’t make fun of Stephen Fry. We don’t want him to cry and threaten to leave Twitter.
Now men have come in for a ticking off. Not off a lesbian like Claire Balding, but a shaggy haired motoring bloke, James May. You know, the fourth most popular presenter after Clarkson, the one that does the terrible Morrison’s adverts and the recently ousted Stig.
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You know Thingummy Chops? That fella who could drive cars really fast? Him who was The Stig for a few years? Yeah. Him. He’s called Ben SomethingOrOther. No. We don’t care either. Well, Mr Whatsit is moaning and complaining about the BBC and the people at Top Gear because they paid him to drive a car and asked him not to ruin the secret of Christmas.
The Man Who Played The Stig, who will now be referred to as ‘The Man Who Played The Stig’ is being a whiny bitch because the Top Gear folks are being nasty to him. Rather amusingly, they’ve likened The Man Who Played The Stig to a Dalek and a Blue Peter dog.
You would’ve thought that, after all these years, he would’ve learned that the Top Gear team aren’t known for being overly sensitive about… well… anyone on Earth. Read More >>>
We’ve been playing it coy and cool for the last few weeks because we’ve been sitting on a story so big that we assumed it must be a massive, outrageous lie. We still can’t quite believe what we’re about to announce.
The crux of the matter is that we’ve known the person behind the helmet of Top Gear’s new Stig. The BBC have threatened us with legal action should we reveal the identity of the new driver, but as Ben Whateverhemightbecalled proved, the BBC cannot suppress this information.
Of course, like Santa Claus or Jesus Christ Our Lord, it’s more fun to believe in the myth rather than find out the boring truth. As such, we’ll give no information until you get over the jump. If you want to find out who the new Stig is, please read more. Read More >>>
People were up in arms about The Stig’s unmasking being considered newsworthy. So, of course, this article is dedicated to those people in an attempt to wind them up to the point where they grind their teeth into dust.
Of course, you’ll be more than aware of the fact that Some Bloke told the world that he was The Stig. If you really want to know his name before you forget it for the rest of your life, he’s called Ben. Ben Collins. He can drive cars really fast.
Or at least he used to because Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has revealed he’s been handed his P45 after his little court battle with the BBC.
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You’ve got to hand it to us Brits haven’t you? We certainly know where our preferences lie and what key issues are the most important in determining the outcome of our lives.
Or whatever makes the trending topics on Twitter. Forget the plight of some Chilean miners stuck down a hole or the flooding in Pakistan.
WE KNOW WHO THE STIG IS, SO WE CAN CROWD AROUND HIM IN SHOPPING CENTRES AND ASK WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DRIVE FAST CARS WHICH GO BRUMMMMMMMMMM BRUMMMMMMMMMM.
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Ups and downs.
Folded:
Creased:
- The Sun’s coverage of the Raoul Moat story (responsible as always)
- Murray misery (it doesn’t matter that we expected nothing, it still stings like a big fat bee caught on your testes)
- Top Gear mini-movies (If just one second of them wasn’t faked that would be nice)
- Scratchcards (when was the last time anyone won more than a £1 on these? Second thoughts, who still buys them? Idiots)
- Early Inception reviews (don’t read them; you’ll be just too hyped. There’s even one that mentions the word ‘miracle’.
